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#31 of 44 Old 10-29-2009, 02:28 PM
 
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I think that Goestoshow is getting help. She has PTSD. Just because people here are uncomfortable with what she's saying doesn't mean we should belittle her or criticize her for her feelings. I understand why Goestoshow doesn't want to celebrate ds's birthday. She has had an incredibly difficult first year with her son. She had an emergency c-section which continues to cause her health problems. Her milk never came in because of the trauma her body experienced, her baby had colic, and he's an incredibly active child. She is feeling cheated out of a happy mommy experience. People with PTSD can't "snap out of it". Her feelings are totally valid. She isn't just disappointed by her birth experience, she is traumatized by it. I applaud her honesty, because I think she needs to express how she feels in order to get better. I have to say that I am really taken back by some of things people have said to her.
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#32 of 44 Old 10-29-2009, 02:53 PM
 
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I am so sorry your experience has been so terrible. It is heartbreaking to read.

Is there a way you can shift the way the birthday celebration is done? Maybe you don't need to be there this time & your family can celebrate with your dc? Or perhaps you can have a conversation with your mom/dp/whoever is most instrumental in the plans & say "listen, something SMALL would be nice but I am NOT willing to go through his birth story one iota. A hat, a couple gifts & sing happy birthday. That's it, that's all."

Is there a way you can try to reframe this occassion in your head? Instead of a celebration of his birth make it a celebration of the life ahead?

Surviving sleep deprivation one day at a time with dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08).

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#33 of 44 Old 10-29-2009, 03:55 PM
 
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Were you induced? My first ended in much the same way as yours, because I was induced. To this day, I blame myself. I blame myself for all that went wrong and so on. He was not in the right position to be born, and therefore, could not come out. If I had left things alone and allowed him to be born when he was ready, then he could have been in the right position by then. It was my fault.

In your case, it is not fair to blame the baby. It is not his fault. It is the fault of your body or your choices medically or so on. Celebrate the baby's birthday and forgot the anniversary of the bad birth. It is wrong to focus on this as mourning the loss of the birth rather than as the day you met your son and became a mother. The baby is not to blame for any of this.
Why does it have to be some one's fault?

I have boys! My first baby boy was born 10/08 and my second baby boy was born 7/12

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#34 of 44 Old 10-29-2009, 04:15 PM
 
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OP- are you attached to your son? Do you have a partner? Does your son have a relationship with his grandparents or anyone else? Would it be possible to get some family therapy for all of you in order to support the attachment?

I have boys! My first baby boy was born 10/08 and my second baby boy was born 7/12

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#35 of 44 Old 10-29-2009, 09:00 PM
 
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I'm so, so sorry for the hell that you are going through. I urge you to see a new therapist. Please continue to feel welcome to voice your feelings here. The women here care

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#36 of 44 Old 10-30-2009, 11:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#37 of 44 Old 10-30-2009, 04:39 PM
 
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Wow. Yours words about the old you and the new you really struck a chord for me. I definitely have not experienced the trauma or the pain that you have so I don't want it to sound like I am saying that I know what you are feeling. I really related to those words. I have felt the same kind of thing but have not known how to express it. I actually feel stronger since his birth, I feel more like ME, the me i guess i have been waiting to become...but I also felt this disconnect..i couldn't quite incorporate my labor into my sense of myself. I felt okay being a new mom but there was something about the labor that I just couldn't process. I feel totally different than the woman I used to be. I am emotionally distant now from a close friend who wasn't around for me after his birth. I now feel like she doesn't know me. The truth is...she doesn't. Anyway, sorry to make this all about me. I am still working on processing my labor. It still seems very strange to me that I was in labor at all.

I have had depression in my life and the things you were saying about the emotion of the moment and not being able to see the "emotional continuum" sounded familiar to me.

Have you thought at all about some meds??? I know the community here is generally a natural minded lot but you've been though a lot, are still going through a lot, and have tried alternatives. Do you think perhaps this could be some bad PPD combined with PTSD combined with health issues which has become something that is overwhelming you? I had a friend who was totally not herself, anything like herself, after she had her baby. She went on Prozac for a couple of months and she said that it saved her life and her relationship with her daughter. She also did talk therapy but it was the meds that kicked her out of it.

Have you thought about getting your hormones checked? Perhaps they are totally out of whack and making it impossible for you to have any feeling of well being.

Let's be real. You had a traumatic birth, a traumatic year. It is not strange that you are so unwell emotionally. I feel like I felt something like the way you feel in the weeks after my son was born. My body was a mess, my hormones were a mess, my emotions were a mess....maybe you are trapped in that place because of the health issues or whatever else.

I know it sounds corny but I want to think that you can come out of this...that you don't have to spend the rest of your life like this...that you can fix this somehow, someway, someday. That is the nasty little thing about depression...you don't want to fix it. You have more at stake now though than I did when I was depressed years back. You have a child. You are his mother. The only mother he can ever have. Maternal depression is a huge obstacle to healthy attachment in the child and attachment is everything in human development. If you have anything left at all...try to pull yourself out of this for him...so you can have a relationship with him.

I have boys! My first baby boy was born 10/08 and my second baby boy was born 7/12

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#38 of 44 Old 10-30-2009, 04:49 PM
 
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Just forget about the party. Just tell her no. You aren't ready. I felt like this first birthday was more about me than him ( I did have a party the day after) but I really wanted the day for just the three of us. I sort of traced the whole thing(the days of labor)...ate at the same restaurants, had the same milkshake, etc. I just wanted to be drinking champagne at the moment of his birth. I was going to get a massage but that seemed to close to the birth experience...nudity...a table...etc. I drank my champagne though!!!! The whole thing actually really helped me to process it more. I don't feel as "obsessed" with my birth now.

Not meaning to compare or say I know what you're going through. Just sharing.

I have boys! My first baby boy was born 10/08 and my second baby boy was born 7/12

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#39 of 44 Old 11-02-2009, 10:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lillacfaerie View Post
I think that Goestoshow is getting help. She has PTSD. Just because people here are uncomfortable with what she's saying doesn't mean we should belittle her or criticize her for her feelings. I understand why Goestoshow doesn't want to celebrate ds's birthday. She has had an incredibly difficult first year with her son. She had an emergency c-section which continues to cause her health problems. Her milk never came in because of the trauma her body experienced, her baby had colic, and he's an incredibly active child. She is feeling cheated out of a happy mommy experience. People with PTSD can't "snap out of it". Her feelings are totally valid. She isn't just disappointed by her birth experience, she is traumatized by it. I applaud her honesty, because I think she needs to express how she feels in order to get better. I have to say that I am really taken back by some of things people have said to her.
well, i agree that the OP has attempted to get some help. i don't think the help is helping her that much, however, and i think she should be pursuing other routes more aggressively. i have said so repeatedly.

as for the "she has PTSD," i understand that. i had it too. as much as it sucks, PTSD is not a license to resent your child indefinitely for how he was born. it's not fair to the child.

i'm not suggesting she snap out of it, or that she can. getting help, and getting well, is not the same as snapping out of it.

you can recover from PTSD. once you have, you can actually be happy about your child's birthday. i am merely offering that viewpoint. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the OP can do things to hasten her way toward it rather than staying stuck in the tunnel.

dissertating wife of Boo, mama of one "mookie" lovin' 2 year old girl! intactlact:: CTA until 7/10 FF 1501dc
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#40 of 44 Old 11-02-2009, 10:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lillacfaerie View Post
I think that Goestoshow is getting help. She has PTSD. Just because people here are uncomfortable with what she's saying doesn't mean we should belittle her or criticize her for her feelings. I understand why Goestoshow doesn't want to celebrate ds's birthday. She has had an incredibly difficult first year with her son. She had an emergency c-section which continues to cause her health problems. Her milk never came in because of the trauma her body experienced, her baby had colic, and he's an incredibly active child. She is feeling cheated out of a happy mommy experience. People with PTSD can't "snap out of it". Her feelings are totally valid. She isn't just disappointed by her birth experience, she is traumatized by it. I applaud her honesty, because I think she needs to express how she feels in order to get better. I have to say that I am really taken back by some of things people have said to her.
double posted.

dissertating wife of Boo, mama of one "mookie" lovin' 2 year old girl! intactlact:: CTA until 7/10 FF 1501dc
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#41 of 44 Old 11-03-2009, 06:15 PM
 
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Sort of off-topic of the questions you asked, but I was reading about a couple of different studies that have found a link between the outcomes of someone who experienced or witnessed a trauma and sleep. And the conclusions were along the lines of the more normal sleep a person can get shortly after a trauma, the better the prognosis for the person. And clearly normal sleep doesn't happen when someone has a newborn, so outside of the "this-is-not-what-birth-should-be" feelings and thoughts, there's just no possibility for normal sleep --- and as someone who has always really needed a good 7 - 8 hours of sleep, I have to wonder if the no-sleep factor of having a baby is getting in my way. And more, if it is, what on earth I can do about it? Sorry to derail. Just something I've been speculating on.
I do think you have a really good point about sleep. I really struggled after my dd was born with sleep due to a chronic condition. I take sleep meds. I stopped taking them when I was pregnant but I am back to taking them again.

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#42 of 44 Old 11-04-2009, 10:38 PM
 
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OP, s to you. Just a thought: you had a terrible "birth day" experience with lo, but instead of seeing him as the culprit, could you choose to feel sympathy for his experience as well? He may not have had expectations, per se, but he didn't get to have the experience you wanted *him* to have either (I'm assuming - cesarean birth, cold surgery suite, not laid on your chest etc). Both of you were victims of a birth that was upsetting and scary. Could you see him *with* you in this, as opposed to against you? This isn't meant to add guilt to your heart - his position and not being able to get him out is neither your fault nor his - it's meant to perhaps soften your heart towards him and see that his birth day was hard and scary for him, too. You can grieve for both of you, and remember that he did share in some of your pain, not cause it.

That said, I agree with one of the pp about separating this terrible series of events from the fact that you love your son and you celebrate *him*, not the way he came into the world. Maybe it's not this year, but when his birthday comes around again, perhaps you can focus on it - and ask your family to do the same - as a day that just celebrates him and who he is, and not as a rememberance of the day he was born. Maybe this year it isn't a birthday party - it's a "DS's name Party" with the focus just being about him as a member of your family. Maybe there are party decorations, but not birthday decorations. Maybe you don't do the whole cake and candles thing, but have other food or snacks. Maybe it would be good to do it, as was suggested, on a date totally separate from the birthday, so it has nothing to do with his birthday or that anniversary whatsoever - it's a totally separate concept.

I also second the idea of exploring your options for a new counselor if you're not feeling any better after 10 months. You may have just gone as far as you can go with this one.

Married to my best friend for 9 years. Loving being at home with my busy boy. Praying for a vbac.gif next time around!
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#43 of 44 Old 11-05-2009, 02:17 PM
 
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So, if there's a good day and I'm doing mommy-things and really feeling like maybe things are looking better, and then the next day is a bad day, I can't seem to carry any sense of "Well, yesterday was good, so it'll be okay if today isn't" or remember from day to day the good things. The part of this that is probably encouraging that the same is true for bad days. The bad doesn't carry over into the good days as much as it used to.

But I can't seem to connect them in an emotional continuum, if that makes sense. And this is what is making therapy so hard right now is that quite concretely, I just don't remember my feelings from any point in time during my week. I can't seem to focus on more than the moment I'm in emotionally. And I do have these individual moments that are really good, but once they're over, it's as though it doesn't matter because now there's this new moment with a new set of emotions to navigate through.
This is where journals and diaries can help you track what you are feeling or have felt in the past week. Or just put a gold star on the calendar every time you have a really good experience, or a normal hectic "mommy day". When things get overwhelming, look at the journals and the stars.

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Part of it is that I used to be a very self-reflective person, and I was able to translate that into effectively dealing with other people's emotions and problems. My self-reflection was one of my greatest strengths and one of the qualities I worked to really develop as I went through my counseling classes. And I've completely lost any ability to reflect on my own experience
Write it down as it happens, so you won't lose the feeling, and then reflect on it later.

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So this entire traumatizing birth experience didn't cause me to just lose what I wanted for the birth or just completely destroyed my future birth options, it also caused me to lose everything else of who I believed myself to be from before the birth.
You have not lost it ... you fear you have lost it.

As for what you wanted for the birth - how big a factor was having a healthy child as the outcome versus having it all go according to your wishes during labor and delivery?

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My entire self-concept has been ripped apart. So in addition to dealing with the trauma, I have to deal with that I am not who I thought I was. Absolutely nothing about myself pre-birth and pre-baby makes any sense. I can't reconcile who that person was with who I am.
Stop trying to merge the pre- and post- selves. Deal with what you have and who you are now.
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#44 of 44 Old 11-14-2009, 06:52 PM
 
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OP, I feel for you. DD was very poorly positioned. Pushing boggled my mind, hurt my legs (made them numb and purple). I think I at least fractured my cocyx. I tore very badly.

I find myself wondering what it was that caused this...I believe that birthing is a very complex process and I want to know what interrupted it. Because I remember just a couple days before birth, feeling DD in a great position. And I know that she moved during labor. Why? What happened? I like to think that she did what she had to do to get out safely. But at the same time I'm terrified of doing that pushing again with another baby.

I hope you find what you are seeking, even if that doesn't seem to be 'healing' or 'feeling better.' A 1yr old doesn't NEED a birthday party. If you want to appease others, maybe grandma can watch him in the morning and have a little cake for him while you go to the spa or something.

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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