Little More than Two Months from the Anniversary - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 44 Old 09-28-2009, 01:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#2 of 44 Old 09-28-2009, 10:36 PM
 
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I hope you can find some way to seperate the upsetting events of that day, from the happy occasion of welcoming your son into your life. I would just tell your mom you don't want to do the birthday party, he's too little to care or really enjoy it. It would be better to wait.

I hope in the meantime you can find a therapist or someone to talk to who has been through a similar experience.

I've always thought I should try re-writing my son's birthday story in a positive light, because he'd feel bad if he read it the way it is written right now. I think this is called "reframing."

Best wishes for your recovery.

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#3 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 12:23 AM
 
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Were you induced? My first ended in much the same way as yours, because I was induced. To this day, I blame myself. I blame myself for all that went wrong and so on. He was not in the right position to be born, and therefore, could not come out. If I had left things alone and allowed him to be born when he was ready, then he could have been in the right position by then. It was my fault.

In your case, it is not fair to blame the baby. It is not his fault. It is the fault of your body or your choices medically or so on. Celebrate the baby's birthday and forgot the anniversary of the bad birth. It is wrong to focus on this as mourning the loss of the birth rather than as the day you met your son and became a mother. The baby is not to blame for any of this.
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#4 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 10:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#5 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 10:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#6 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 06:10 PM
 
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First

Second, I've been there. I'm still there to a certain extent. DD was also malpositioned - managed to get there *during* labour, despite my having done *everything* right. I was so angry with her for not just helping me to give her the peaceful birth I'd tried so hard to give her. I also had a really hard time around her first birthday. I have a very hard time separating my birth rape and our abuse by hospital staff from her arrival into the world. I'm not at the stage of being able to reframe the story in a positive light; I'm not sure I ever will be.

Third, is it possible you could be suffering from PTSD? I know I am, and I tried counselling to no avail in the months after DD's arrival. In fact, recounting all the gory details to the counsellor made the flashbacks even more powerful and frequent, so I gave up after a few sessions. But, coincidentally, I was just reading about this last night and came across information that 'debriefing' (recounting the trauma) has been shown to be counterproductive for people suffering from PTSD. Now they recommend things like NLP (neurolinguistic programming), CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) or EMDR (can't remember what it stands for!). I'm thinking about giving one of them a try if I can afford it, as the PTSD is still ruining my life (and we're coming up on birthday no. 2 soon...)

I hope you can find healing, but meantime remember that you are perfectly entitled to feel angry and hurt and guilty and disappointed and all sorts of other negative emotions. Don't let anyone tell you that you 'should' be over it by now, or that you shouldn't feel the way you do. It is perfectly possible to be angry with your baby and even resent them, and yet at the same time love them with all your heart and be a good mother to them. (I do.) Let yourself feel what you feel; fighting it only makes it worse in the long run, IMHO. And be gentle with yourself. If you're not up to a birthday party then don't do one. Your LO is far too small to remember it anyway, so don't feel bad if you just want to take that day 'off' - go do something nice for yourself for a couple of hours.


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#7 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 07:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#8 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 10:23 PM
 
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In your case, it is not fair to blame the baby. It is not his fault. It is the fault of your body or your choices medically or so on.
Ouch!
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#9 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 10:27 PM
 
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But if babies know how to be born, or are supposed to, then babies are also culpable when things go wrong.
It sounds like you had a rough time, but I can't believe you're actually blaming your baby for his birth going wrong. If your first therapist didn't help you, try a new one. You really sound like you need it . I really hope you can find some joy in your baby's birth.
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#10 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 10:47 PM
 
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No. Spontaneous labor.

No emergency regarding his heartbeat or anything. He was in the wrong position and wouldn't come out --- and aren't we taught that babies know how to be born? Isn't that what the natural birth community teaches? At least, that's what my childbirth educator, who was a midwife, said --- women's bodies have been doing this for centuries, babies have been doing this for centuries. That's what she said. I acknowledge the parts of the situation where I may be at fault, too. I do. But if babies know how to be born, or are supposed to, then babies are also culpable when things go wrong.

Your midwife lied. The natural birth community lied. They all lied by omission. And your son is culpable for nothing!
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#11 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 11:22 PM
 
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But if babies know how to be born, or are supposed to, then babies are also culpable when things go wrong.
Is this seriously your outlook? I'm sorry that your birth experience was traumatic... I had a friend that basically went through the same thing, but the difference is she is nothing but elated that despite the craptacular experience that was her son's birth, she now has a sweet baby boy in her arms that she is nothing less than greatful for. If therapy is not working then find something else because this does not seem healthy. At some point we all have to take ownership of our feelings. To realize that our perception of our experiences create our realities might make a difference at some point for you. If you choose to fault your sweet little boy for his entrance in this world for the rest of his or your life... That would be heartbreaking. I'm sure he is greatful to be in this world safely in your arms.
I know our personal experiences seem minuscule to others - even those who are going through similar experiences but sometimes looking in from the outside can help put things into perspective. I was in court this morning listening to the account of a baby who was birthed at home at 34 weeks and then stuffed into a duffle bag for 2 days before someone discovered him. Despite all odds he was found and brought to the emergency room covered in sores and meconium.He is alive today. His entrance in this world... The perfectly positioned, head down, posterior decent down the birth canal- was met with something so horrible that it's almost incomprehensible. His "perfect" birth made not one bit of difference to him, his mother, or those who sat by his hospital bed for months not knowing whether he would make it or not. Every day I see situations like this and it makes it hard to comprehend how birth trauma can overrule an otherwise loving set of parents, a happy and healthy baby.
I didn't at all intend to seem harsh... But sweetie you need to diligently work at getting past this.

Blessed with two BEAUTIFUL little girls: Kylie (09/06) and Maggie (4/09) :
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#12 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 11:56 PM
 
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But if babies know how to be born, or are supposed to, then babies are also culpable when things go wrong.
I'm going to come at this through logic and semantics in the hope that that approach will help a bit.

You've come up with a syllogism here:

Premise: Babies know how to be born.
Premise: Possessing knowledge makes an individual culpable when things go wrong.
Conclusion: Babies are culpable when birth goes wrong.

Your conclusion is sound but the first premise is faulty.

There are two ways to define "know": "to know about" (the French savoir) and "to be acquainted with" (the French connaitre). I knew about birth before I got pregnant but I know birth now that I've given birth twice.

A baby doesn't "know about" anything in the way an adult "knows about" birth.

A baby can't "be acquainted with" birth before being born.

So a baby does not know how to be born. You were told/sold some semantic nonsense there.

As for women and babies having done this for centuries, yes they have, but what was left out of that statement was that some of them died doing so.

I agree with gsd1amommy: You could blame the people who told you half-truths and nonsense, instead of yourself or your baby.

I am very sorry for your suffering.
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#13 of 44 Old 09-29-2009, 11:59 PM
 
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Your midwife lied. The natural birth community lied. They all lied by omission. And your son is culpable for nothing!
I agree 100%
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#14 of 44 Old 09-30-2009, 01:26 AM
 
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Your midwife lied. The natural birth community lied. They all lied by omission. And your son is culpable for nothing!
Exactly.

Please consider finding a new therapist - there is no reason that you should be suffering 10 months later like this.
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#15 of 44 Old 09-30-2009, 08:24 AM
 
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He was in the wrong position and wouldn't come out --- and aren't we taught that babies know how to be born? Isn't that what the natural birth community teaches? At least, that's what my childbirth educator, who was a midwife, said --- women's bodies have been doing this for centuries, babies have been doing this for centuries. That's what she said. I acknowledge the parts of the situation where I may be at fault, too. I do. But if babies know how to be born, or are supposed to, then babies are also culpable when things go wrong.
Sorry that your childbirth educator BSed you. Babies don't know how to be born. They don't know anything. They don't know how to scratch their own butts if they want to - how could they know what the outcome would be of the position of their bodies in the womb? I know people buy it, but if you think about it, it's ridic. Babies don't know how to be born, any part of anyone's body can malfunction (my nose and throat are malfunctioning currently - does that mean I am a broken person who never deserved to breathe?), and it's just plain old BAD LUCK.

It's not your fault, it's not your baby's fault, and it says exactly nothing about your baby or yourself personally. If you need a target for your anger and blame, I suggest the people selling "trust birth" woo. It's not any more trustworthy than any other body process; in fact being so big and so few times in a lifetime, it's less so. And who is telling you "trust your intestines! If you get diarrhea it's your fault!" Nobody. Because it's bologna.

Do you know that depression likes to protect itself? It will tell you stuff like, "I'm the one who sees things the way they really are, and everyone else is just fooling themselves. I could never take medication, I don't even like to take Tylenol." Suffering from depression is also no one's fault, crummy bad luck, and needs *medical treatment,* especially when it has been tormenting you for almost a whole year.
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#16 of 44 Old 09-30-2009, 12:06 PM
 
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The first birthday is very difficult. I think actually setting the birthday party off from the actual birthday will be helpful. I know that I did that for DD's first birthday. Her party was AFTER the birthday, so I had her actual birthday (and the events that led up to the cesarean section) to deal with my difficult memories privately. I realize you are doing it in a different order, but perhaps you can do the same thing with having the early birthday party. The party will celebrate your baby, and you can use the birthday to mourn the events of the birth.

If your counselor isn't working for you, try to find another one. Please realize that it takes time. I had the most excellent counselor for my PTSD/PPD and it still took me about a year and a half until she released me because I was doing well enough. I still contact her as necessary when other events cause a minor relapse. My daughter's fourth birthday is this weekend. I no longer dread the day. I can separate those traumatic feelings from the joy of my love for my daughter. I have forgiven myself for the choices I made, I forgave my midwife and doctor for the choices they made, I have found forgiveness. One day I know you will find forgiveness too. I am certain that these feelings of anger about your baby being in the wrong position (which was really a matter of circumstance and not the baby's fault) are completely related to the PTSD/PPD and when you can overcome that, they will go away.
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#17 of 44 Old 10-01-2009, 05:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#18 of 44 Old 10-01-2009, 06:36 PM
 
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No. Spontaneous labor.

No emergency regarding his heartbeat or anything. He was in the wrong position and wouldn't come out --- and aren't we taught that babies know how to be born? Isn't that what the natural birth community teaches? At least, that's what my childbirth educator, who was a midwife, said --- women's bodies have been doing this for centuries, babies have been doing this for centuries. That's what she said. I acknowledge the parts of the situation where I may be at fault, too. I do. But if babies know how to be born, or are supposed to, then babies are also culpable when things go wrong.
Birth has been happening for centuries, and while you're right that most of the time it works it could have been worse. What I mean is that when babies didn't come as they should or a woman's body was unable to birth the baby as it should babies and moms were damaged or died.

While your birth was traumatic, nothing like you expected and has left you with long lasting grief, anger and trauma, it's the perfect example of how technology has and can save lives. Is it possible for you to acknowledge that and reframe it in that way?

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#19 of 44 Old 10-01-2009, 07:52 PM
 
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Birthdays are not for the mom!! They are for the child. ( but if it too painful for you right now- a one yr old really doesn't care) As soon as we give birth we start gradually separating from our children. As a wise man said to me regarding raising children in general "It isn't about you!" I often think about that when I am feeling frustrated as a parent.

That being said- I'm sorry you had a c section and are still having pain.
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#20 of 44 Old 10-01-2009, 08:41 PM
 
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I appreciate the concern.

But I don't believe in "healing" as it seems defined here. There will never be a time when his birth will be okay or acceptable to me. It's completely unacceptable. That will never change.

I don't think I can move forward until I'm recovered, as much as possible, physically. I've had so many complications and 10 months later they're still ongoing. To be expected to move on in other ways when my body is so messed up from the birth is, I think, expecting too much of me. If I weren't in physical pain every day, if it didn't take finally being able to get a second opinion, if it weren't suspected that I have either a lingering infection from the c-section or endometriosis (more likely the infection), I might be able to make some progress in other areas. But if my body can't even move on from the birth, how can the rest of me?

I have a CT Scan tomorrow. Maybe that will yield some answers. Maybe the course of antibiotics I've started will be enough. Maybe I'll learn I have even more complications because maybe the infection or the endo is so bad that nothing can correct it. Or maybe it won't be either and we'll be looking at a laparascopy. I won't know until next week. Right now, I'm just trying to make it through each day. I can't do more than that.
I know that while your body is not recovered, you can't be "healed" per se.

But I think maybe what people are hoping is that even while you still have lingering issues from the section, that someday you will be able to separate the section from your baby, and realize that he is not culpable in any commonly understood sense of the word. Your baby didn't choose to be malpositioned or choose to make you undergo a C-section, just like you didn't do anything to cause your issues either.

Sometimes crap just happens, and it leaves you breathless with horror and in ongoing pain -- and it doesn't require conscious action by anyone to radically change your life in ways you always thought you could avoid if you did "the right thing."

savithny, 42 year old moderate mom to DS Primo (age 12) and DD Secunda (age 9).

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#21 of 44 Old 10-02-2009, 03:22 AM
 
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Nothing we say can help unless you want it to.

You say you are not willing, that is something you are going to have to address with your Dr. We can't make you want to get better.

This is your burden, not your son's and you must carry it. It isn't right to refuse to celebrate his birthday because you will not heal from his birth.

We all know it is difficult, but you have to want healing in order for that to happen.

As for your symptoms why don't you make sure that you write them all down as you notice them so you don't forget anything. I also had laparoscopy after my c-section but it didn't get better. It turned out that I also had a bladder condition that was causing me a lot of issues, that didn't have anything to do with my c-section at all.

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#22 of 44 Old 10-02-2009, 05:29 PM
 
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Were you induced? My first ended in much the same way as yours, because I was induced. To this day, I blame myself. I blame myself for all that went wrong and so on. He was not in the right position to be born, and therefore, could not come out. If I had left things alone and allowed him to be born when he was ready, then he could have been in the right position by then. It was my fault.

In your case, it is not fair to blame the baby. It is not his fault. It is the fault of your body or your choices medically or so on.
or...it's no one's fault, a.k.a. "stuff happens." maybe it helps you psychologically to lay the blame on yourself, but self-blame was toxic to me. i only started getting better when i stopped blaming myself for DD's bad birth.

dissertating wife of Boo, mama of one "mookie" lovin' 2 year old girl! intactlact:: CTA until 7/10 FF 1501dc
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#23 of 44 Old 10-02-2009, 05:32 PM
 
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OP, what about EMDR? it really helped me immensely.

dissertating wife of Boo, mama of one "mookie" lovin' 2 year old girl! intactlact:: CTA until 7/10 FF 1501dc
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#24 of 44 Old 10-03-2009, 06:03 PM
 
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EMDR might be a good route to try. Even if it only works a little it might really help your frame of mind.

When I was feeling awful after my dd was born, it was really the little things that would be the catalyst to helping me get out of that hole.

Birth doesn't always go perfectly, I think most of us posting in this area realize this. When I was planning a HBAC my husband joked that I was a bit "unlucky" as far as medical issues go. Little did he realize that I would soon be facing so many complications.


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#25 of 44 Old 10-06-2009, 11:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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#26 of 44 Old 10-24-2009, 07:54 PM
 
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Wow, I can't imagine blaming my child for a bad birth experience.

As others said, babies don't *know* how to be born. Most of the time, they get in the right position, your body does what it'd supposed to, and theres a baby. Others it just doesn't. Its luck of the draw. For instance, I had HELLP at 33 weeks with my last son. I was having hard, painful contractions, one on top of another for hours. My body was obviously saying yeah, he needs to get out of there. And then at the same time, my cervix was thick and closed. Its like one part of my body realized he needed to be born and the other part was like nope, its not time to open up yet!

Again as someone else mentioned, things have always gone wrong with birth. The difference is that now, baby's are usually saved despite the problems. Prior to this, mom's life always came first, if there was a major issue and baby couldn't be born, they would save the mom. I'm very very sorry that you were made to feel that nothing ever goes wrong if you're prepared for it. Thats just not right to make someone believe. I was prepared and nothing could change that my body just reacted weird to this particular child.

I realize you don't feel that you can heal at this point. Thats fine. But I would really look for specific help with this idea that your birth trauma was your sons fault. Its not, its a huge combo of factors and truthfully, you'll probably never know why he was malpositioned. Its very well possible that he stayed that way for a good reason...or he just ended up being comfy like that. Maybe he tried to move and just couldn't. Regardless, blaming an unborn child for his birth going wrong just isn't right.

Celebrate his birthday. It doesn't have to be about you and your birth-its about celebrating HIM.

Cari-mama to Eriq, Lile, Paikea, Kaidyn, and Mieke is here!! 2/9/10
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#27 of 44 Old 10-24-2009, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#28 of 44 Old 10-29-2009, 01:13 AM
 
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Wow, I can't imagine blaming my child for a bad birth experience.

As others said, babies don't *know* how to be born. Most of the time, they get in the right position, your body does what it'd supposed to, and theres a baby. Others it just doesn't. Its luck of the draw. For instance, I had HELLP at 33 weeks with my last son. I was having hard, painful contractions, one on top of another for hours. My body was obviously saying yeah, he needs to get out of there. And then at the same time, my cervix was thick and closed. Its like one part of my body realized he needed to be born and the other part was like nope, its not time to open up yet!

Again as someone else mentioned, things have always gone wrong with birth. The difference is that now, baby's are usually saved despite the problems. Prior to this, mom's life always came first, if there was a major issue and baby couldn't be born, they would save the mom. I'm very very sorry that you were made to feel that nothing ever goes wrong if you're prepared for it. Thats just not right to make someone believe. I was prepared and nothing could change that my body just reacted weird to this particular child.

I realize you don't feel that you can heal at this point. Thats fine. But I would really look for specific help with this idea that your birth trauma was your sons fault. Its not, its a huge combo of factors and truthfully, you'll probably never know why he was malpositioned. Its very well possible that he stayed that way for a good reason...or he just ended up being comfy like that. Maybe he tried to move and just couldn't. Regardless, blaming an unborn child for his birth going wrong just isn't right.

Celebrate his birthday. It doesn't have to be about you and your birth-its about celebrating HIM.
i agree with everything docsnemesis said. the birth stuff is largely luck. lots of times here on MDC, people focus on the things we can do as mothers to have better birth outcomes. this is fine and well because there ARE things we can do to improve our chances of having lovely natural births, but it does not, and it CANNOT, remove the huge element of luck involved.

you had bad luck, i had bad luck, simple as that. you will probably never know why, and it sucks not to know, but knowing wouldn't change the past anyhow. when i stopped trying to figure it out and find a reason for what happened to me, i started getting better.

there is no reason.

dissertating wife of Boo, mama of one "mookie" lovin' 2 year old girl! intactlact:: CTA until 7/10 FF 1501dc
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#29 of 44 Old 10-29-2009, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#30 of 44 Old 10-29-2009, 01:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
Well. I'm of the camp that believes people make their own luck as opposed to luck just happening....
if i'm crossing the street and get hit by a bus, did i create my own luck? i see what you're saying, but sometimes, truly, sh!t happens. do you blame everyone around you for what happens to them, or do you only blame yourself for what happens to you? i'm assuming you're being way harder on yourself than you are on others.

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And it's not that there is "no reason." There really is a reason, I'm convinced. It's that I may never know what it is, that's true. But that doesn't mean one doesn't exist.
what i meant by no reason is more that IMO there's no reason this thing happened to YOU. of everyone in the world, it happened to you (and some others) and that part of it, there is no reason for. it's not like you did anything to deserve it. neither did i. neither did our kids.

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and nothing about motherhood has prodded any feelings except those of failure. I live everyday knowing I am a failure.
that is sad. you need some serious help, and i still don't see why you won't get it.

dissertating wife of Boo, mama of one "mookie" lovin' 2 year old girl! intactlact:: CTA until 7/10 FF 1501dc
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