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#1 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 03:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I went into labor sometime late Saturday (July 11th) afternoon. I was sure it was labor by about 6 pm and called My midwife (who was out of town). She sent two other local midwives over to my house. They checked me and I was a 2. They waited an hour and checked me again and I had had no change, so they decided to go home to sleep.

Around midnight it got really tough and Chris called the midwives at that time. They showed up at 2 am.

They checked me and much to their surprise, I was a 7! They really started bustling around then, I'm sure thinking that the baby would not be too terribly much longer. (They were supposed to call my midwife when they were sure labor was for real, but they didn't. She thinks they figured I would go too fast for her to get there from Austin, but of course, that wasn't the case.)

I was complete by 3 in the morning. And then I pushed for 6 hours. I kept saying "She isn't moving [down]" and they kept saying she was moving "a little." After 6 hours I was too exhausted to go on and we decided to transfer. It was only at this point that the midwives admitted to us that she hadn't moved down since the first hour. This really bothered me because if we had known that, we would have gone to hospital A, where the midwife-friendly doctor is, is after the fourth hour or so - while I still had something in me. Instead all I wanted was relief and we went to the closest hospital. That was where it all went downhill. I just wish so much that they would have called my midwife when they were supposed to, because even though the birth result might have been the same, she wouldn't have let us go to that hospital and everything after the birth would have been a million times better.

The doctor came in. He started yelling and screaming (no I'm not kidding) the second he walked in the door, did a rough internal on purpose (he does this to all homebirth transfers I've heard), started threatening us with a court order for a c-section even though I never said I wouldn't have one. He was HORRIBLE. Chris had to ask him to leave the room so we could even discuss our options. I have since found out he has a reputation all over Houston. He also said that someone like me would "never want to VBAC." That I'd "opt for the nice, easy c-section next time after having done all this."

We consented to the section and at noon I went into the operating room. At 12:17 she was born. That is where the nightmare begins. There was a tiny bit of meconium in the water, so they immediately pulled her away and suctioned her extremely aggressively, then they let me see her for 30 seconds and made Chris wheel her to the NICU. Even though her apgar was a 9, they were going to put her there to give her antibiotics for 2 days because I was GBS +.

Once in my room I begged and pleaded for them to let me see her. I tried to get out of bed but couldn't. The hospital policy was that I couldn't walk until 18 hours later and that was shift change for the NICU. I didn't get to hold her for 20 hours.

The NICU fed her though the IV for two days just because it was in. They introduced a bottle first and then let me "try" to breastfeed on day 4. All knowing I wanted to breastfeed her. They had no LC and we were not able to latch. They had arbitrary feeding guidelines (like baby can only be fed for 30 minutes every 3 hours) which made me feel like if I tried hard to BF, and wasn't successful, that I wouldn't have time to give her the bottle and she would go hungry.

The IV whacked out her electrolytes and they kept my (in obviously perfect health) baby there for an additional 3 days to give her saltwater in her bottles. They wanted to keep her 3 more at least, but we finally guilted the Ped into letting her go. Our pediatrician called them later to ask if they truly suspected renal failure (which would have been the only reason to keep her.) They answered, "No, I don't really know why we had her on that [the saltwater supplement], you should probably discontinue it." That bill is in dispute.

At some point in there we recieved a visit from the hospital social worker because the Dr had filled out a CPS request form because we refused eye ointment and vitamin K. THAT was fun.

Those pictures people take of their babies, just born, naked on a warming tray and screaming their heads off? They break my heart. I just think "That baby needs to be in someone's arms!! That is not the way to come into the world!" And then there was my baby, screaming on a warming tray. The pain I felt made me want to die right then and there. I felt I had failed her in every way. I will never forgive myself or those nurses for that.

Between the suctioning and the orthodontic nipples in the NICU, Elle developed a serious biting problem. This in addition to a high palate and a couple other nursing issues led to me having to exclusively pump and supplement with formula for 7 weeks. Thankfully I had the help of two wonderful IBCLCs and my midwife and we finally, finally started nursing. I still have a low supply and it doesn't look like anything, including prescription drugs, is going to help at all.

Next time I will be doing tandem care with my midwife (who has promised to stay in town!) and the midwife-friendly OB. I want to plan an HBAC, and I am sure I will, but I am so SCARED. I am obsessing over this even though it's three years in the future, I just can't get settled about it. I am so, so, so angry that the option I would prefer most, and feel safest in (an evidence-based, natural hospital VBAC) is not available to me here. I have to choose the option I feel is next safest, and while I would LOVE an HBAC, I am terrified of rupture. I know the chances are less than 1%, but well, I beat the odds this time by being one of the 4% of my midwife's clients that need a c/s. I just wish I could come up with a plan for next time and let it go.

I know that's long. I actually cut out all the parts about how terrible they were to me. The thing I can not ever get over is not seeing my baby for 20 hours. That she was taken from me for no real reason and held hostage in the NICU. I can't let that happen again. I just have to post somewhere where someone might actually understand. My obsession with "the next birth" is consuming me.

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
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#2 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 03:27 AM
 
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I'm sorry. I read this and I really have nothing constructive to say other than I am so sorry.
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#3 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 01:37 PM
 
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o my god

peace to you mama

I have boys! My first baby boy was born 10/08 and my second baby boy was born 7/12

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#4 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 04:48 PM
 
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I am so sorry that you had to go through that!! Take care of yourself and your sweet little girl.

And if that doctor actually does "rough internals" on purpose, he's no better than a rapist. Just disgusting.

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#5 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 04:56 PM
 
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I am so sorry...

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#6 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 05:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am so sorry that you had to go through that!! Take care of yourself and your sweet little girl.

And if that doctor actually does "rough internals" on purpose, he's no better than a rapist. Just disgusting.
I know it's sick, but that seems to be the report from everyone who has transferred to him, while clients of his certainly don't report that kind of treatment. Unfortunately more and more transfers are having the misfortune of getting him these days.

Thank you for the support everyone. I don't know why I can't just move on. My mom doesn't understand and just thinks I should focus on the baby I have now. She doesn't get that I have to focus on the future not to dwell on the past. But the future is scary too!

My midwife said that in 17 years she has never had a transfer treated like me. I'm a lucky, lucky woman, huh?

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
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#7 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 05:20 PM
 
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I think it's pretty normal to want to "do it over and do it better next time." After my first birth, I felt like this & read about it online, and all the sources I found said don't jump into having another birth too soon. Give yourself time. You will get a do-over. It'll never make up for having a bad first birth, but it does help. s

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#8 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 05:26 PM
 
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I'm sorry. I for one would have a hard time "just focusing on the baby" too. The trauma involved IS a big deal, a life-changing experience, and it blows my mind that people think we should just "forgive" the assault that happened just because it resulted in a live birth.

That said... please do be sure to focus on the baby Not to forget the trauma, but to attach in spite of it. Well wishes.

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#9 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 05:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, we are definitely not rushing into anything. My midwife requires at least one year between delivery and another pregnancy for VBAC, but we were already thinking 2.

And yes, I LOVE my baby girl. She is an angel and it is not her fault how she came into the world. I was a bit disconnected from everything for the first week or so, but now I could spend 24 hours a day just kissing her chubby little cheeks. I think it comes from having to leave her in the NICU. I swore once we got her home I'd never put her down.

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
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#10 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 05:40 PM
 
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I am so, so, sorry for the way your were treated. That is so inexcusable. I couldn't read this and not respond because I doula'ed in a similar situation several weeks ago...

One recommendation I have it to seek out a professional hypnotherapist to do regressive bonding. A skilled and compassionate hypnotherapist can take you back to the moment of your baby's birth and help you to experience bonding with your baby in the moments following her birth.

I wish you much peace.

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#11 of 31 Old 10-08-2009, 06:00 PM
 
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I am so so sorry. Some of your story reminds me of my own, planned homebirth, transfer after pushing for hours. During pushing, I never remember feeling my baby move down either. My birth also ended in a c section and I was treated poorly by hospital staff. Not as horribly as you were, but definitely judged and treated disrespectfully because of being a homebirth transfer. My after birth experience was better not as long a separation, and no NICU, but I still grieve what I missed. I am so sorry that you were separated for so long, and all of the hassle the staff gave you. I also understand about the hopes for a future birth, when I get pregnant again, I will plan a hbac, but I am scared. I am scared of making all the right choices again, of doing my best and laboring for hours naturally, and being cut again. I am scared that I have pinned so much hope on next time will be different, (better, I'll have my homebirth, it will be empowering, peaceful, no separation from baby, easy time breastfeeding) that if it isn't like that, what will I do? There are no guarentees, just because I want something so bad doesn't mean I'll get it. Thinking positive doesn't mean I'll create the sitaution I want either, I felt very positive last time, and still got an experience I never wanted, that has wounded me. Again, OP I am so sorry, can relate in some ways, and I hope that when you are ready you will have a healing, positive experience next time.

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#12 of 31 Old 10-16-2009, 06:22 PM
 
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Wow thank you for sharing.
I just had to be transferred from a HB to the hospital to find out she was breech minutes opun arrival...to be rushed to a c-section.

My story is no where near as traumatic as you but I feel your pain. This is our first and I feel I was robbed of ever having a vaginal birth - because like you I worry about the risk.

I also struggle with wanting to blame my MW for the experience because she had misdiagnosed the breech baby for months. When my daughter came out it was very apparantent she had been breech for a long time! How were you able to get over the questioning of your mw not telling you sooner than you were not progressing?

For me, the worst part of this experience is my husband is so mad at the mw for messing up that he is now mad at me for paying her.

I hope that your wound heals and truly believe talking about it will help.
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#13 of 31 Old 10-16-2009, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow thank you for sharing.
I just had to be transferred from a HB to the hospital to find out she was breech minutes opun arrival...to be rushed to a c-section.

My story is no where near as traumatic as you but I feel your pain. This is our first and I feel I was robbed of ever having a vaginal birth - because like you I worry about the risk.

I also struggle with wanting to blame my MW for the experience because she had misdiagnosed the breech baby for months. When my daughter came out it was very apparantent she had been breech for a long time! How were you able to get over the questioning of your mw not telling you sooner than you were not progressing?

For me, the worst part of this experience is my husband is so mad at the mw for messing up that he is now mad at me for paying her.

I hope that your wound heals and truly believe talking about it will help.
Well, my midwife missed the birth, she was out of town, and these were two midwives standing in for her. They were supposed to call her so she could come back, but they did not. I know she has spoken to them about it. For me, I ADORE my midwife. She is one of my favorite people ever, and she has sworn to me that she will be at my VBAC no matter what. That's all I care about.

I have let my anger at the midwives go. Mostly because I am grateful that they came to assist me even though I was not their client. No, the birth was not handled the way I would have liked, but I just blame that on the fact that these were not my midwives and I did not have a relationship with them. C'est la vie. All I can do is plan for the next time to be different. So my situation is a little different from yours.

As for next time, after tons of patient counseling from my midwife, and TONS of research, I have decided that I am a perfect candidate for VBAC and will attempt to have one, with my midwife, at home.

Can you tell I've kind of reached a peace about it since I last posted this? I hope you can too.

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
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#14 of 31 Old 10-16-2009, 07:25 PM
 
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So sorry to hear about how things went, but congrats on the baby!

I had a great HBAC in Houston , so PM if you need to talk.
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#15 of 31 Old 10-17-2009, 08:36 AM
 
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I'm so sorry, how incredibly horrible for you

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#16 of 31 Old 10-17-2009, 09:07 AM
 
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Please write letters and file complaints - doctors and hospitals won't stop this abuse unless they are called on it.

Sounds like you have several justifications to file a medical board complaint against the doctor - abusive treatment, not respecting your decisions, etc...

And same for the hospital - file a complaint with Joint Commission for their abusive treatment, and overtreatment of your otherwise healthy baby.

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Make sure you cc your complaint to plenty of people.
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#17 of 31 Old 10-18-2009, 02:56 PM
 
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I'm so sorry mama! I'm sorry your baby girl was also treated so poorly to "punish" you.
I also encourage you to report the OB for harming you, he is not allowed to treat you in such a way...he has to follow a code of ethics as does the hospital...not to mention follow the law of informed consent. Honestly, if I was in your place, I might consult a lawyer...

I had a home transfer crash section and two 1/2 years later an awesome HBAC!

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#18 of 31 Old 11-09-2009, 10:40 AM
 
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but now I could spend 24 hours a day just kissing her chubby little cheeks. I think it comes from having to leave her in the NICU. I swore once we got her home I'd never put her down.
I have a July 09 baby too and can totally relate to this. I had a transfer and c-section and was separated from my baby as well (because I wasn't doing well). I feel like I will never get that time back, but I can make the best of the rest of his life.

A supportive military wife and mama to my busy boy and sweet girl.
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#19 of 31 Old 11-11-2009, 03:46 PM
 
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I am so sorry mama! You are doing a wonderful job BFing your baby despite the struggle. Much respect.

And yes, report that doc- I really do not understand these insane OBs that are out there. How they got to that profession and why they're still in it is beyond me...

Minimalist-living mama on an urban ecovillage with DH and DS- Jack (9/18/09)
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#20 of 31 Old 11-12-2009, 03:30 AM
 
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I just wanted to say how sorry I am.Hugs mama!
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#21 of 31 Old 12-01-2009, 02:53 AM
 
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Oh my God... I am soooo sorry that this happened to you. I live in the Houston area. What hospital and what was this doctor's name? I'll go give him a rough prostate exam for you... or at least a kick in the homeboys... What a jerk!!! I had an ER doc do an unnecessarily rough pelvic exam on me... He, however, got kicked in the jaw for it. Some people just can be total a-holes! I'm so angry for you. How dare he think it acceptable to treat you that way!

On a happy note, congrats on your little one. I'm sure she's gorgeous and absolutely perfect... Maybe you could let HER bite the doctor... Just a thought.
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#22 of 31 Old 12-01-2009, 03:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks. It was Cy Fair Med Center. I just found out that they're building a West Houston Methodist close to my house, so even in an emergency, I will never have to set foot in that god forsaken place again.

She is gorgeous! And she is such a dream baby! DH and I joke sometimes that she's trying to make up for the birth by just being the easiest and most joyful baby ever. She just smiles and smiles. I being her mom so much!!!

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
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#23 of 31 Old 12-01-2009, 06:41 PM
 
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yeah... Cy Fair sucks... never heard a single good thing about them. I'm trying to carefully and optimistically plan a UC... We'll see what happens. I'm glad she's a great baby. My sis when through a horrible pregnancy and delivery and got a wonderful daughter.

You seem to be really upbeat about the whole thing. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
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#24 of 31 Old 12-28-2009, 10:12 PM
 
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I am so sorry that you went through such a horrible experience. Were you able to find out why she never came down into the pelvis? It sounds like a posistion thing.

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#25 of 31 Old 12-28-2009, 10:25 PM
 
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I agree with TCA2008. If you feel up to it, you have many, many grounds for complaints. I am a midwife who has worked exclusively in hospitals and I am appalled by the treatment you and your baby received. In nine years of practice I have never heard anything like your story. The treatment you received was neither humane nor evidence-based and you have every reason to be upset and traumatised even though your baby is now fine.

Would it maybe be possible to talk with someone who has experience in dealing with birth trauma to help you process what happened?

I am very sorry you were treated in such a fashion.

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#26 of 31 Old 12-28-2009, 10:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You seem to be really upbeat about the whole thing. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
I seem to be doing pretty well now. There were a few really emotional months.

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I am so sorry that you went through such a horrible experience. Were you able to find out why she never came down into the pelvis? It sounds like a posistion thing.
You hit the nail on the head. She was deep transverse - head sideways. It was her favorite position all through pregnancy, and even though she was optimally positioned many times in the last weeks, she just always made her way back.

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I agree with TCA2008. If you feel up to it, you have many, many grounds for complaints. I am a midwife who has worked exclusively in hospitals and I am appalled by the treatment you and your baby received. In nine years of practice I have never heard anything like your story. The treatment you received was neither humane nor evidence-based and you have every reason to be upset and traumatised even though your baby is now fine.

Would it maybe be possible to talk with someone who has experience in dealing with birth trauma to help you process what happened?

I am very sorry you were treated in such a fashion.
Thank you, while it is pretty common for transfers to be treated pretty horribly here, I seem to have gotten some extra-awful treatment.

Talking to a counselor with experience in birth was going to be my next step, but really, my midwife and doula friend/Bradley coach were so amazing and sympathetic that I think I am OK now.

I could turn into a nervous wreck when I get pregnant again, but I'll deal with that when we come to it.

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
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#27 of 31 Old 12-28-2009, 11:08 PM
 
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I have had five babies. One of my babies was posterior brow presentation (96% of which can't be born vaginally). She was my middle child and the ONLY reason that I was able to birth her vaginally was because of the fact that I had birthed two previous babies before. It was the most painful thing that I have ever felt.

I say this because the chance of you having a baby in a transverse posistion again is very small!! A different baby means a different posisiton. Faster birth and much much easier to push when you baby isn't looking at your thigh...not to mention most likely not being flexed in the right way.

I am so sorry that you went through hell. Birth should never be like that.

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#28 of 31 Old 12-28-2009, 11:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you. I always like hearing that.

My midwife said of 4 moms with deep transverse babies, I had the c/s, two had high forceps rotations , and only one could push it out that way - a mom with 4 prior vaginal births, AND it split her pubic bone apart!! (Was OK after chiropractor.)

I am going to be spinning babies obsessed next time, I swear - anything to avoid it again!

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
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#29 of 31 Old 01-07-2010, 02:28 AM
 
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Let me tell you how much we have in common. It's not as severe as yours, but there are similarities.

I planned a birthing center birth with my first, and they had 4 midwives who rotated in and out for prenatals and births, only ONE we really connected with. We had prelabor off and on and the oh so mild contractions got us to 4 cm, after coming for about an hr one day then coming back a week later. So 4 cm at 41 wks. We go into REAL labor, contractions a couple min apart about a min long, and 27 hr later we are only at 6 cm. Yeah, I'm pooped, my midwife says "it sounds like a missfit". Oh, and did I mention we had every other midwife rotate through our birth except the one we connected with, what luck. So, we go to the hospital, I know we need a cs, something isn't right, baby is in there funky, but I don't know what to do about that, yes the midwife should have, but she didn't

The OB in the ER and the nurse actually tore the inside of my vagina by their exams, I literally, not kidding came off the table. They wouldn't even make eye contact with me. The OB insisted on Pit, I didn't want it, she kept uping my dosage, thankfully I had an epirual at that time. So we go back, after laboring another hour or two, and I say, we need a cs. So we go back, and the whole time it's like I'm a patient in an episode of MASH where they all talk over you about you like you are not there. Yeah, I glance at my baby, and then I hear him screaming, thankfully hubby was there to go with him.

We get back to the room, he didn't have to go to NICU thankfully, in that we do differ. Every nurse is rude, one even said "there is no need to be stoic, take the pain meds". The last nurse upon discharge said that they don't know if they will discharge the baby because we didn't get the vit K or the eye drops. I said, first he wasn't born vaginally so there is no need for either, and I don't have any STDs. Also, the Vit K is only good up to 6 hrs after birth, it's now 3 days. So she leaves, the Ped comes in and says we can leave (with baby) and the nurse comes back with a vit K needle IN HAND ABOUT TO GIVE IT TO HIM!! Yeah, "we are not getting the vit K" she goes, "Well, i went all the way down stairs for this". Like that is going to make me change my mind. "we are not getting the vit K".

She leaves, we leave, we have crappy BF, there was only 1 LC who came in once during our stay and was able to show me how to latch him on and have an effective feeding. The midwives at the BC said that since we had a CS, we will ahve a lot of trouble feeding, and they were no help getting me a latch and never once suggest an LC. We pump and pump and do everything we know. Looking back, we had little knowledge. So we stop BF at about 3 weeks. yeah, we had no encouragement, and a lot of bad advice. Then he get's an intolerance to milk formula, then an allergy to soy formula, and can't do the hypo allergenic formula. Things finally settled down at around 8 mo.

I was on anti-anxiety meds for about 6 months, and I had nightmares of being in the OR room for about a year PP. I had severe anxiety about everything and would cry till I couldn't breathe. It was really hard. None of my friends were supportive, all talked about how I should be happy with a healthy baby. And how a CS was just another way of birthing. That didn't help.

Now, he's 18 mo, and we are prego with #2 and are planning a HB HBAC. We have a great midwife who had a CS with her first due to acynclitism, and a HBAC with her 2nd. She is wonderful, and we will have a Doula as well.


I only have one correction/comment on your story, you said you were one of the 4% who had a cs in your midwife's practice. Yes, that may have been a long shot, but keep in mind, your midwife wasn't at your birth. If she was, she may have done something different that the accompanying midwives did or didn't do. So, even if you are under that same midwife next time, don't count yourself out. Very few moms have acynclitc babies, and the ones that do, most of them could be prevented with a few good maneuvers.

Our bodies can and will do this. We were made to give birth as much as babies were made to be born.

Hope things are better.
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Originally Posted by AustinMom View Post
Yeah, "we are not getting the vit K" she goes, "Well, i went all the way down stairs for this". Like that is going to make me change my mind. "we are not getting the vit K".
Ha! HAHAHAHAHAH!

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Originally Posted by AustinMom View Post
I only have one correction/comment on your story, you said you were one of the 4% who had a cs in your midwife's practice. Yes, that may have been a long shot, but keep in mind, your midwife wasn't at your birth. If she was, she may have done something different that the accompanying midwives did or didn't do. So, even if you are under that same midwife next time, don't count yourself out. Very few moms have acynclitc babies, and the ones that do, most of them could be prevented with a few good maneuvers.

Our bodies can and will do this. We were made to give birth as much as babies were made to be born.

Hope things are better.
Thank you for your story. I am sorry your experience was so bad too.

That is one thing I was talking about with my best friend (same midwife, due any day now). Our midwife is virtually obsessed with position. She checks position every time she sees you and always has suggestions for getting baby in optimal position. The midwives who came in her stead never even checked the position once! I mean, after I pushed for 9 hours there was no turning that baby, but I could put money on the fact that my midwife would have felt position first thing when she walked in the door. She will always attempt to turn a malpositioned baby, and has good success at it. Since Elizabeth had been in optimal position several times in the last few weeks, I know there was no cord issue or anything preventing it.

The more and more I dissect it, the more I feel that the midwives who attended me were merely adequate, where the midwife I chose is excellent. I try not to torture myself wondering what a difference it could have made.

The more I read and stay on ICAN lists, the more it drives home that there are real risks to VBAC - or just to birth in general. I absolutely would not accept substitute midwives next time. You're trusting someone with your life and your baby's life - my midwife has promised to be there no matter what, but if she wasn't - we would go to a hospital.

I feel like I am healing (emotionally) well. When they were wheeling me into the OR I told Chris to get the camera, well of course he couldn't find it, so my mom gave him hers. I JUST NOW got those first pictures. I kind of feel like it's good it worked out that way. Had I seen them 5 or 4 or even 3 months ago I think I would have broken completely down. I had no preconceptions about the birth. No "plan." No idea how it would go or what I would want. There was just one thing I cared about, and that was a picture, immediately following the birth, with the baby on my chest. I think that is THE most beautiful picture.

Needless to say, I still get teary thinking how I never got that moment, but my only reaction upon seeing the pictures I do have was . They are our first pictures together and they melt me - even if we are wearing shower caps and masks.

I am thankful for everyone who has commented and shared their stories with me. I am glad there is a place like this and like ICAN. I am so thankful that there was somewhere I didn't have to pretend to be a shiny happy person - where I could work through all this. There is something to be said for the healing power of fellowship - even when it is over something awful.

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
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