This is my first post on Mothering... My name is Lacey. I am a first time mommy and 38 weeks pregnant. My husband, Dustin, and I are trying to navigate our way through this situation that we thought we understood and are now completely lost in... Thank you for reading and responding.
ETA: I didn't know which forum to post in... but not knowing how to get the birth I want made it seem like this was the best place.
Let me begin by saying: I am not a control freak. When I know that I can handle a situation, I like to take responsibility for it, but when the situation is something larger than I can handle I am more than happy to step aside and let someone else take the reins.
That being said-- I believe that childbirth is a natural, non-medical event that (when no other health risks are present) can be handled almost entirely by an educated and well-supported woman. I also believe that a woman should give birth in an environment that makes her most comfortable and that this makes labor easier.
I chose to give birth at home because it is where I feel most comfortable. I spent weeks readying my home, gathering supplies, and learning everything I could about home birth. I had all of my prenatal care with a team of experienced nurse midwives-- one of whom would attend my home birth along with 2 birth assistants. I did research on the benefits of waterbirth and purchased a tub and supplies so that my baby could be brought into the world in the way that I feel is best. This pregnancy, this childbirth, this baby-- they are all things I can handle and I want to be responsible for them.
...
At 36 weeks, I started to have some health concerns: moderate swelling and higher blood pressure. I took responsibility for this, too, knowing it was something I could take care of. I ate better, drank more water, swam almost daily, received acupuncture, gave up coffee for the sake of my kidneys (my kidneys will never know the sacrifice I made for them), and cut back my hours at work. Owning a cafe, it was not easy for me to just step out and turn over the operation to someone else. I felt that I could still handle the happenings of the cafe while training my managers to take over for me in the coming weeks. I worked 4-6 hours a day, mostly sitting, through Thursday of my 37th week and then, knowing that I'd be stepping out soon, worked 11 hours on Friday. On Monday of my 37th week my blood pressure was high. On Wednesday, it was higher. I didn't worry, though, because my labs were all coming back normal. On Saturday, the day after working 11 hours and making a to-list for myself that was at least a page long, my blood pressure was extremely high.
I was able to relax and bring it back down to normal-high and, with the midwife, Dustin and I decided that if we wanted the home birth that we had planned we needed to get this baby out before my blood pressure crept up any more.
Saturday night I went by the cafe long enough to tell my managers "it's go time" and then I went home to prepare for a natural induction the next day. I planned to be holding my baby by late Sunday night or early Monday morning.
Sunday morning began with breakfast and a quarter cup of castor oil. Then every 15 minutes for the next 4 hours I would alternate black and blue cohosh with another herbal tincture for uterine tone. At noon the castor oil had not started to work so I chased lunch with another quarter cup of oil and repeated the 4 hour herb cycle. At 2:00 the castor oil began to work and I began to have mild contractions. At 3:00 the contractions were beginning to increase in intensity so we started to time them. They lasted about 1 minute and were 10 minutes apart. After two hours of these, I thought I should rest up in case I'd be laboring through the night and I laid down to take a nap. When I woke up an hour later, the contractions had stopped.
The midwife came out to the house that night to check on me and the baby-- and my blood pressure was high. We decided that I should go to labor and delivery at my back-up hospital for monitoring.
The midwife came with us to make sure we got checked in and that the nurses had my most recent records. The nurses strapped monitors to my belly and a blood pressure cuff to my arm, drew blood, and then left Dustin and I in the room. The baby was fine, I was still having mild contractions but couldn't feel them, and my blood pressure was dropping. At 1:30 in the morning we were sent home with instructions to contact my back-up OB doctor the next day.
The next morning, I called the midwives to let them know I had been sent home. It was during this phone call that I realized I was no longer having a low-risk pregnancy and I would no longer be able to give birth at home with the midwives. They were asking me to formally transfer my care to the OB doctor. It felt like an awkward break-up: "it's not you... it's your blood pressure."
I met with my OB doc and left with mixed feelings. He seemed to not want to rush the baby out, which I appreciated since my blood pressure was regulating again. He also seemed not entirely judgmental about my desire for a home birth. However, he also ordered up an ultrasound, gave me an internal exam, and told me my pelvis was small. These medical interventions and discouraging words may be the norm in the medical community, but they are far from normal in the midwife model of care that I had been working with for the past 8 months.
I was so confused and lost in the process that I didn't even remember to discuss my birth plan with him. Would he support my wishes for an intervention-reduced birth? Would I be able to reclaim any aspect of control in this situation? The hospital has labor tubs-- but not birth tubs-- so my waterbirth is out. I won't be at home to bake my baby's birthday cake any more, but will I be able to eat for strength while in labor? Can I move about freely and deliver in any position? Will my baby be whisked away from me immediately for tests and measuring?
These are all issues I did not need to think about in my home birth plan. It was my plan; I was calling the shots. I have lost control of the situation.
…
Dustin deflated the birth tub last night. I am on bed rest and just waiting... waiting and sad. I want to be safe-- but if my blood pressure stays down then I feel like I am still safe at home. I know that it is too late to have that back and I am sad because it is my fault. I took responsibility for my health and this pregnancy and I continued to work rather than rest. I can control my blood pressure and I chose not to. And now the locus of control has shifted and I feel completely powerless, and sad.
How can I regain any sense of control over this situation?
How can I still have the best birth for my baby?
ETA: I didn't know which forum to post in... but not knowing how to get the birth I want made it seem like this was the best place.
Let me begin by saying: I am not a control freak. When I know that I can handle a situation, I like to take responsibility for it, but when the situation is something larger than I can handle I am more than happy to step aside and let someone else take the reins.
That being said-- I believe that childbirth is a natural, non-medical event that (when no other health risks are present) can be handled almost entirely by an educated and well-supported woman. I also believe that a woman should give birth in an environment that makes her most comfortable and that this makes labor easier.
I chose to give birth at home because it is where I feel most comfortable. I spent weeks readying my home, gathering supplies, and learning everything I could about home birth. I had all of my prenatal care with a team of experienced nurse midwives-- one of whom would attend my home birth along with 2 birth assistants. I did research on the benefits of waterbirth and purchased a tub and supplies so that my baby could be brought into the world in the way that I feel is best. This pregnancy, this childbirth, this baby-- they are all things I can handle and I want to be responsible for them.
...
At 36 weeks, I started to have some health concerns: moderate swelling and higher blood pressure. I took responsibility for this, too, knowing it was something I could take care of. I ate better, drank more water, swam almost daily, received acupuncture, gave up coffee for the sake of my kidneys (my kidneys will never know the sacrifice I made for them), and cut back my hours at work. Owning a cafe, it was not easy for me to just step out and turn over the operation to someone else. I felt that I could still handle the happenings of the cafe while training my managers to take over for me in the coming weeks. I worked 4-6 hours a day, mostly sitting, through Thursday of my 37th week and then, knowing that I'd be stepping out soon, worked 11 hours on Friday. On Monday of my 37th week my blood pressure was high. On Wednesday, it was higher. I didn't worry, though, because my labs were all coming back normal. On Saturday, the day after working 11 hours and making a to-list for myself that was at least a page long, my blood pressure was extremely high.
I was able to relax and bring it back down to normal-high and, with the midwife, Dustin and I decided that if we wanted the home birth that we had planned we needed to get this baby out before my blood pressure crept up any more.
Saturday night I went by the cafe long enough to tell my managers "it's go time" and then I went home to prepare for a natural induction the next day. I planned to be holding my baby by late Sunday night or early Monday morning.
Sunday morning began with breakfast and a quarter cup of castor oil. Then every 15 minutes for the next 4 hours I would alternate black and blue cohosh with another herbal tincture for uterine tone. At noon the castor oil had not started to work so I chased lunch with another quarter cup of oil and repeated the 4 hour herb cycle. At 2:00 the castor oil began to work and I began to have mild contractions. At 3:00 the contractions were beginning to increase in intensity so we started to time them. They lasted about 1 minute and were 10 minutes apart. After two hours of these, I thought I should rest up in case I'd be laboring through the night and I laid down to take a nap. When I woke up an hour later, the contractions had stopped.
The midwife came out to the house that night to check on me and the baby-- and my blood pressure was high. We decided that I should go to labor and delivery at my back-up hospital for monitoring.
The midwife came with us to make sure we got checked in and that the nurses had my most recent records. The nurses strapped monitors to my belly and a blood pressure cuff to my arm, drew blood, and then left Dustin and I in the room. The baby was fine, I was still having mild contractions but couldn't feel them, and my blood pressure was dropping. At 1:30 in the morning we were sent home with instructions to contact my back-up OB doctor the next day.
The next morning, I called the midwives to let them know I had been sent home. It was during this phone call that I realized I was no longer having a low-risk pregnancy and I would no longer be able to give birth at home with the midwives. They were asking me to formally transfer my care to the OB doctor. It felt like an awkward break-up: "it's not you... it's your blood pressure."
I met with my OB doc and left with mixed feelings. He seemed to not want to rush the baby out, which I appreciated since my blood pressure was regulating again. He also seemed not entirely judgmental about my desire for a home birth. However, he also ordered up an ultrasound, gave me an internal exam, and told me my pelvis was small. These medical interventions and discouraging words may be the norm in the medical community, but they are far from normal in the midwife model of care that I had been working with for the past 8 months.
I was so confused and lost in the process that I didn't even remember to discuss my birth plan with him. Would he support my wishes for an intervention-reduced birth? Would I be able to reclaim any aspect of control in this situation? The hospital has labor tubs-- but not birth tubs-- so my waterbirth is out. I won't be at home to bake my baby's birthday cake any more, but will I be able to eat for strength while in labor? Can I move about freely and deliver in any position? Will my baby be whisked away from me immediately for tests and measuring?
These are all issues I did not need to think about in my home birth plan. It was my plan; I was calling the shots. I have lost control of the situation.
…
Dustin deflated the birth tub last night. I am on bed rest and just waiting... waiting and sad. I want to be safe-- but if my blood pressure stays down then I feel like I am still safe at home. I know that it is too late to have that back and I am sad because it is my fault. I took responsibility for my health and this pregnancy and I continued to work rather than rest. I can control my blood pressure and I chose not to. And now the locus of control has shifted and I feel completely powerless, and sad.
How can I regain any sense of control over this situation?
How can I still have the best birth for my baby?