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Getting Really Sick of Everyone Around Me Having Natural Births

12K views 74 replies 47 participants last post by  Jane91 
#1 ·
#28 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by JBH View Post
Try to think of the good things that came out of the birth, is your baby healthy? Thats the most important. Now you can focus on being an amazing mom. The birthing (although at times life changing and traumatic) is almost the easier and shortest part considering the postpartum period and beyond.
I have to agree with a PP that the "healthy baby" comments are some of the most destructive, and least helpful, comments when it comes to dealing with birth trauma. OF COURSE the baby's health is important, don't make us feel more guilt by implying that we don't care about the baby's health, but we had certain expectations, wants, needs surrounding the birth that we are, and should be allowed to mourn without being made to feel that we are ungrateful for our healthy or not-so healthy but living, babies. Our journey into motherhood, via the birth, has to account for something. I am 9 months out from my traumatic, unplanned, unwanted, but urgently necessary c-section. I still mourn what I lost with my son's birth. I am still in pain daily from the operation, in fact I was just on the phone with my MW this morning asking her for help because I spent most of the night doubled over in pain and in tears from severe pain at the incision site and I can't get my primary doctor to believe it is anything more than "constipation" (her words, certainly not mine).

I know that vaginal births can be traumatic, can cause permanent terrible changes, but I also agree with OP that c-sections are on another level onto themselves. A traumatic vaginal, while still traumatic in and of itself, will only rarely impede a future repeat vaginal birth or a pregnancy; however, a prior c-section will always be a complication to a future pregnancy and birth, whether you go on to have one or a half dozen babies vaginallly, you are forever classified as ___BAC (CBAC, HBAC, VBAC).
 
#29 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dana_305 View Post
I have to agree with a PP that the "healthy baby" comments are some of the most destructive, and least helpful, comments when it comes to dealing with birth trauma. OF COURSE the baby's health is important, don't make us feel more guilt by implying that we don't care about the baby's health, but we had certain expectations, wants, needs surrounding the birth that we are, and should be allowed to mourn without being made to feel that we are ungrateful for our healthy or not-so healthy but living, babies. Our journey into motherhood, via the birth, has to account for something. I am 9 months out from my traumatic, unplanned, unwanted, but urgently necessary c-section. I still mourn what I lost with my son's birth. I am still in pain daily from the operation, in fact I was just on the phone with my MW this morning asking her for help because I spent most of the night doubled over in pain and in tears from severe pain at the incision site and I can't get my primary doctor to believe it is anything more than "constipation" (her words, certainly not mine).

I know that vaginal births can be traumatic, can cause permanent terrible changes, but I also agree with OP that c-sections are on another level onto themselves. A traumatic vaginal, while still traumatic in and of itself, will only rarely impede a future repeat vaginal birth or a pregnancy; however, a prior c-section will always be a complication to a future pregnancy and birth, whether you go on to have one or a half dozen babies vaginallly, you are forever classified as ___BAC (CBAC, HBAC, VBAC).
i'm not trying to be dramatic, but can you go to the er and get your pain checked out? i think severe pain on an incision sight should get urgent medical attention. i know that the section was months ago, but that sounds really, really suspicious to me. i would be worried about a bowel obstruction.
 
#30 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post
i'm not trying to be dramatic, but can you go to the er and get your pain checked out? i think severe pain on an incision sight should get urgent medical attention. i know that the section was months ago, but that sounds really, really suspicious to me. i would be worried about a bowel obstruction.
I thought about it ever so briefly last night, going to the ER that is. But then I played out what would happen in my head -- I would wait for hours upon hours in the waiting room, wait some more in a little curtained area, someone would come and take some blood, someone in a white coat would come and poke at my incision and give me some B.S. explanation and tell me to follow up with my PCP (who's an idiot if you couldn't tell from my prior post).

A appreciate your concern and it's probably a good suggestion, I just couldn't stand the thought of that anxiety-fest while in such pain. I haven't set foot anywhere near a hospital since my son was released from the NICU and I intend to keep it that way for, forever(?).

I'm not worried about a bowel obstruction because things are still moving down there, but if that changes, yeah I'll get it checked out. Dr. Google says maybe adhesions or, in rare circumstances, endometriosis (sp?), and nothing can be done for either of those except more surgery. My MW said it could be that my incision did come open some and is re-healing (not sure that is the case since I didn't actually see it opened at all) or a hernia. The severe pain like last night is not an every day occurrence, thankfully.
 
#31 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
And what, exactly, would those things be? My body is destroyed. My family is destroyed. I will never have a second child, let alone the five or six I wanted. My life has been destroyed.

As for the baby being healthy, not so much. Weight gain problems from day one. He wasn't even on the growth charts until he was five months old and has been pretty much completely formula fed. It's countdown time to allergies and asthma.
I am preg with a planned HBAC in Sept, and I TOTALLY understand where you are coming form. I hated EVERYTHING and EVERYONE after my CS. Especially the ones who chose to be induced because they were "uncomfortable" with ALL 3 BABIES AND HAD VAGINAL BIRTHS!!! I was pissed, and no one understood. We couldn't breastfeed either, so on top of not being able to birth my baby, I couldn't feed my baby. Then the allergies DID start. No milk, so we switched to soy, besides all the crap in soy, he developed an allergy to that. The hypoallergenic formula was WAY too expensive, and we didn't qualify for WIC. It wasn't till about 8 mo PP that things settled down, he has been on Hempmilk since with Coconut milk. After talking with a Ped. Nutrtitionist, things got better too. I was though, on anxiety meds for 6 mo, and marriage counseling for 5 mo, and had many thoughts of just leaving everything behind and starting over. But that scar......the scar reminded me of my job as a mother and what I still had to do for my family.

I had one of the midwives that I interviewed tell me that not every mom has a perfect birth, but they have the ideal birth for them and their circumstance. If you would have told me that a year ago, I may have punched you in the face. seriously. The birth of my son and the lack of support and skill from our midwife and my hubby and the way I was treated in the hospital, was enough for me to see my "calling" into the NCB field. I'm studying to be a Doula, with future as a midwife once my babies are bigger.

As far as another child goes, if you look at the number, a mom has about a 80% chance of VBACing in the hospital and today with a non VBAC mom having 30% chance of cesarean, I'd say the numbers are in your favor now more so than starting over. If you want a homebirth, the study I found showed a 98ish% percent of successful VBAC, so that means only 2% of moms had cs, much similar to what a first time mom or 5th time mom with no prev-cs can be looking at.

I'm not going to tell you to "get over it" or to "be thankful" or to "not be angry". Be angry, be mad, do whatever you have to do go grieve for you loss. It's worth it even if you don't have another baby.

Much love to you....
 
#32 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dana_305 View Post
I thought about it ever so briefly last night, going to the ER that is. But then I played out what would happen in my head -- I would wait for hours upon hours in the waiting room, wait some more in a little curtained area, someone would come and take some blood, someone in a white coat would come and poke at my incision and give me some B.S. explanation and tell me to follow up with my PCP (who's an idiot if you couldn't tell from my prior post).

A appreciate your concern and it's probably a good suggestion, I just couldn't stand the thought of that anxiety-fest while in such pain. I haven't set foot anywhere near a hospital since my son was released from the NICU and I intend to keep it that way for, forever(?).

I'm not worried about a bowel obstruction because things are still moving down there, but if that changes, yeah I'll get it checked out. Dr. Google says maybe adhesions or, in rare circumstances, endometriosis (sp?), and nothing can be done for either of those except more surgery. My MW said it could be that my incision did come open some and is re-healing (not sure that is the case since I didn't actually see it opened at all) or a hernia. The severe pain like last night is not an every day occurrence, thankfully.
you may want to look into visceral manipulation. i hope you feel better mama. i worried about you all night!
 
#33 ·
Quote:
less than four hour labor and pushed her stupid baby out in two stupid pushes.
Something that helped me enormously was to do my best not compare myself or my birth to anyone else. Fast births can often be extremely traumatizing, too, so IME, it's definitely not a reflection of an easy birth...and even if it was easy, that's going to be okay, too. It's just really hard to process right now
I had to get to a mentally healthy place to realize that what happened to me during my first birth had nothing to do with anyone else's birth or baby. If you are still feeling like your life is destroyed, I would most definitely, definitely recommend professional counseling if you are not currently seeing someone
 
#34 ·
I am one who didn't care. Breastfed only bc I knew it was healthy for baby.
And then, I went to LLL and discovered this whole society and belief system that was exactly how I felt deep inside but had never heard of! I learned through my baby and thru the hormones of breastfeeding that mothering is so much more than I ever dreamed of. That's SOCIETY'S fault. Women are told that c-sections are safe, that epidurals and Pitocin are practically risk-free, and no contradicting info is readily available above ground.
I am angry, too, about an episiotomy, Pitocin, and epidural, too, now that I'm informed. And I'm no shallow dummy- I looked for books and read tons- just never had heard of certain books. Those aren't available at BabiesRUs. I boycott that place now.
I am so grateful that I didn't have a section- my husband refused to allow it and the resident got chewed out by her superior for not having me sign the paperwork when I walked through the door.
Some people just don't know. Women have been so disempowered for so long, we don't even know of these other worlds. I post about natural childbirth on FB every 2 hours, now, so women who've never heard of it will hear before it's too late.
 
#36 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
And what, exactly, would those things be? My body is destroyed. My family is destroyed. I will never have a second child, let alone the five or six I wanted. My life has been destroyed.

As for the baby being healthy, not so much. Weight gain problems from day one. He wasn't even on the growth charts until he was five months old and has been pretty much completely formula fed. It's countdown time to allergies and asthma.
*hugs*

I wasn't able to breastfeed,so I can sympathize with that loss. (I did manage a few day of nursing,thankfully). Please don't assume there will be serious health repercussions for your child. I can't promise you there won't be, but i can tell you I have a healthy 4.5 now. It gets easier. But it was very hard the first 2 years,while my mommy friends were still nursing. I was angry at my body for not working the way it was supposed to. Angry at the people who thought I 'just didn't try hard enough'.

I do recommend counselling and or meds for ppd. Prozac helped me A LOT.

I did have a c-section, but I'm ok with that. Not thrilled, but ok. The first week was beyond awful, but I was lucky after that,and recovery was ok.

Altho my reasons are different, I can also relate to giving up the dream of having more children. It's hard, and I still struggle with it.
 
#37 ·
I had a csection as well, after 4 days of unmedicated labor and 2.5 hours of pushing. I labored in every position possible and it was not for lack of trying. I would have hung upside down from the ceiling if it would have meant I could have had a vaginal birth. I read so much and wrote out a birth plan and tried SO freakin' hard and still ended up having my uterus cut open and my baby pulled out.

It sucked. The whole experience was so disappointing and I had spent 9 months invisioning the moment when my baby came out all wet and slimy and was handed to me. That never happened. I didn't get to see him at birth, didn't get to hold him, didn't get to nurse him for 6 hours. Luckily once we got home things went smoothly from there, other than the emotional trauma.

I understand your anger, I've been there. I know people who go in to the hospital, are induced flat on their back, and pop out the baby in a few hours. They don't care about the birth experience, they don't care about whether they have pain meds, nothing. It makes me sad for them, sad for me because I TRIED so HARD and I wanted it SO MUCH and got the exact opposite. It's really hard to choke down.

It gets better, it really does but you need to talk about it. Even if you find a friend who's had a similar experience it's so helpful to get it out. I don't know how old your baby is but time and talking, really, really helps.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, just now you're not alone.
 
#40 ·
Goes to show,
s,
s,
s. I remember reading your story during my pregnancy I think. I'm so sorry for what you have gone through.

I *know* my body could have birthed my son, but his heart rate just kept dropping and he was not desending.

The epidural wouldn't work. (The anesthesiologist literally told me that it was in my head that it wasn't working). I ended up having a c-section with general anesthesia.

I feel such a disconnect, even now, between the baby I have in my arms, and the baby that I carried during my pregnancy. And so very jealous of even elective c-section mom's who will have the opportunity to see their babies exit their bodies birth, to see their DH's become fathers.

s
 
#41 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
I can't stand it. Someone else I know had a freaking less than four hour labor and pushed her stupid baby out in two stupid pushes.

you just made me snort!! you sound cute..little angry (understandable) but cute!
I'm sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted and deserve.
I had all csections, 4 to be exact! (medical reasons) I know where you're coming from.
 
#42 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by GoestoShow View Post
And what, exactly, would those things be? My body is destroyed. My family is destroyed. I will never have a second child, let alone the five or six I wanted. My life has been destroyed.

As for the baby being healthy, not so much. Weight gain problems from day one. He wasn't even on the growth charts until he was five months old and has been pretty much completely formula fed. It's countdown time to allergies and asthma.

Is there a reason why you couldn't have a large family despite the c-section? I know two women who have large families (one has four and the other five) both had c-sections for all of their babies. I know that may not be ideal, but they felt okay about it and continued having children, with no ill effects that they have shared with me.

And I do want to say that I was formula fed and I have no allergies or asthma. This is also true with many adults and children that I know. I think you can do a lot to keep your baby/child healthy with probiotics and a clean diet. If there are allergies, there are a lot of things that a well informed mom can do to help.

Not that this makes the c-section okay, but it is important to take control of what you can and not lose yourself in negative thinking. Attitude is everything.
 
#44 ·
I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I understand (as much as someone who has not been through what you have can understand). Based on my personal experience, one more is all I'll put myself through. Even though I want 4-6 kids, if the VBAC attempt with #2 fails, 2 kids it will be. For me there's no way I'll risk putting myself through it more than once more.

Sweetie mommy, your friends sound lucky to me. The complications for both mom and baby go up with every section. Mom usually ends up with extensive and painful adhesions as the least of her worries. I have them so bad now, I can't imagine after 5! From what I have heard other women with many sections talk about, I could never, ever do that to myself.
 
#45 ·
This story just breaks my heart.

I just had my second C-section after a planned HBAC...everything was supposed to be perfect, I had done so much planning and research and soul searching. I was ready to have the perfect birth. But my cervix had other plans. Turns out my body grows really lovely babies, it just never wants to let them go...with DS after EPO, and an iv drip of pitocin, I still had not one contraction, not even a Braxton Hicks. With DD, I did go into labor. It felt so good. So amazingly powerful and scary and transcendant and I felt so in touch with my baby and my body and the world...but after more than 36 hours of active labor, and 2 hours of what should have been my transition, my cervix was no more than 3.5 cms.

My cervix is just uncooperative.

I have, however, been very lucky to heal easily, two weeks later I feel almost as good as new apart from the strange numbness across my mid-section and a sort of sore pulling sensation when I sneeze or laugh too hard. Healed well with number one as well...I can't imagine having a second if my first was bad as you describe.

I can understand your anger, though. I stalk my DDC's birth stories and weep and weep as I read about these women who had the birth I had planned. Instead I am 3000 dollars in debt, and feeling like a failure. I think I believed in my head that if I could have a homebirth, I would have nothing left to prove to myself or anyone. I would have connected with a part of my womanhood that had elluded me thus far...I believed it would heal me and most importantly it would prepare me to raise my daughter with strength and confidence.

Now I question who I am as woman, as a feminist, as a teacher, and a valuable individual in society, in so many ways. So, yes, hate may be a strong word, but I know that the feelings *I* feel as I read these stories is incredibly strong, soul crushingly strong, and it is difficult to muster the engery to say "Congratulations!", when all I want to say is "I hate you!" and by you, I mostly mean myself. I can only imagine how much stronger those emotions would be if I was still in physical pain, or I couldn't breastfeed my baby.

It's not fair, and you do deserve to have the life you dreamed of, and I am very very sorry for your loss.
 
#46 ·
I also know many women who have had successful VBACs, we have a very supportive midwife in our area. I guess I just think that there is still hope for the family of your dreams. I know that after my first birth I still felt traumatized a year later and was looking into adoption and foster options for our family. But here I am 5 years later with two additional children. At some point I made peace with everything, and to be honest I got pregnant without meaning to, so I kind of had to work through everything before the time came! My last birth was very nice, but my uterus tried to exit my body after the placenta and I had a huge hemmorage. I would love to have more children, but I think it is wise for me to stop, I don't want to lose my uterus or bleed to death! So I understand the idea of changing your mind after a difficult birth. I don't mean to minimize your pain, but I have to say that nothing worth doing comes easy. Just because some stupid Bradley book tells us that birth is going to be this wonderful idealized thing, does not change the simple fact that all of our bodies respond to pregnancy, birth and injury differently. We are all individuals who have different responses to pain, injury and healing. And the way that your body responds to the first birth is not indicative of how it will respond to subsequent births. As an athlete, I know that the body has muscle memory and responds better to injury after it is has been injured. In other words, we get better at healing the more we experience pain. Anyway, I wish you healing and peace.
 
#47 ·
Hi mama,

I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you're coming from. I had a very rough (and IMO unnecessary) c-section after almost 4 days of labor, and I had a very long and rough recovery. I can't say that I've had all of the same complications as you have, but I did deal with crippling pain for about the first 6 months, along with some infections at the incision site, and am now having some pain again with my second pregnancy.

I don't wish what we've been through on anyone, and while I have been jealous of mamas who have been able to pop out their babies seemingly effortlessly, I've found that the way my anger and disappointment has manifested more is in that I've been secretly glad when any of my friends have ended up with c-sections too. Like I said, I don't wish this fate on anyone, but I think it makes me feel like less of a failure when other people can't do it either, you know?

I'm slowly moving past these feelings, as I plan for a vbac, and for me, it's been very helpful and empowering to attend ICAN meetings. That's really the first place where I've felt like people really understand how traumatic the c-section was. I hope that you can find something that helps you deal with the grief and trauma. I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time.
 
#49 ·
I don't know about permanent sterilization, I think a lot of women experiencing birth trauma have those kinds of feelings for quite some time. There are a lot of really good birth control options available that do an excellent job at preventing pregnancy, so sterilzation would probably not be advisable until a few years go by at least. And I also think that feeling resentful of the child is within the range of normal, but it might help to focus on the OB at fault, rather than the child. A traumatic c-section was not his idea of a good time either.
 
#50 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sk8ermaiden View Post
I think she was giving a grossly insensitive comment the response it deserved.

"At least you have a healthy baby" or any variation thereof is about the worst thing you can say to a mom dealing with birth trauma.

http://www.birthtruth.org/grateful.htm
That is a really beautiful essay, Mama. Thanks for sharing that.

ETA: No mother I know who has been through a traumatic birth experience is not counting the blessing of having a healthy baby and indeed even surviving themselves, Bejeweled. But denying the sadness and the pain one feels, hiding it behind a sacchrine smile and the mantra of "I'm so glad I have a healthy baby", doesn't heal anything. If a woman were almost killed in a sexual assault, would we suggest she count her blessings that she is alive rather than face her trauma and pain? Of course not. The truth is if you never heal the pain of any trauma, if you never allow yourself to feel it, face it, and wrangle it to the ground, you can't heal from it, and you will never be the mother you long to be.

Faking it, or hiding it to make those who don't get it feel more comfortable will just make a painful wound to the spirit fester and rot until there is nothing left of the soul to eat away at, and at the end of the day, that does not make for a good mother, or a productive human being.

I love my babies. I am grateful down to the ground for them, their perfect health, the fact that I conceive them with as much planning as it takes to forget to take my birth control pills for a day or two, but the fact that my body had to be ripped open twice to get them out, despite all the planning research, reading, meditation, and exercises a woman could possibly do in nine months, makes me feel about one inch tall as a woman. How does talking openly about that (ON A FORUM FOR HEALING TRAUMA, BTW) negate the immense appreciation I have for my healthy babies?
 
#51 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweetiemommy View Post
I don't know about permanent sterilization, I think a lot of women experiencing birth trauma have those kinds of feelings for quite some time. There are a lot of really good birth control options available that do an excellent job at preventing pregnancy, so sterilzation would probably not be advisable until a few years go by at least. And I also think that feeling resentful of the child is within the range of normal, but it might help to focus on the OB at fault, rather than the child. A traumatic c-section was not his idea of a good time either.
I don't think she should get sterilized tomorrow. I just wanted to say that it's ok to only have one child. I think it's nice to have your feelings validated. If she feels like she can't go through it again, then I support her choice. I for one am contemplating whether or not I'll ever have another baby. I never in a million years thought that my body would be so traumatized by birth. I was examined a few days ago and was told that I should have a c-section for my next birth because the damage to my perineum is so severe. This is after 13 months of healing. I love my child so much, and it was worth it, but I don't know what sort of quality of life I'll have if I go through multiple deliveries.
 
#54 ·


I just wanted to say I've been following this thread & thinking of you. I've been worried about you but couldn't really respond because in many ways your posts triggered some hard feelings for me to deal with. I am very happy to see that you are in some ways "holding it together" even as you're falling apart. I hate that we have to put on happy faces for the benefit of others but still, I was worried about how extreme your anger & depression seemed. Your last post has left me a little more hopeful but I know that it's a rollercoaster ride. I use this place to vent as well but I kind of censor myself (how sad that I can't even open up completely here! I'm proud of you that you can!!) I've dealt with a lot of trauma in my life prior to becoming a mom, & my son's birth was very traumatic for me & my family as well. So I really do know where you're coming from & just want to offer you lots of hugs & love. Hang in there!!
 
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