So, long story short, I had a classic homebirth FTP turned c/s with infection and week long hospital stay. It sucked. DS was posterior, 11 lbs, 3 weeks past due, severe shoulder dystocia during c/s("worst I've ever seen" said by both midwife and OB). He and I both were perfect and healthy post birth and I love that, but, well, guess I don't need to tell you ladies
I've processed a lot of it, but of course, being pregnant again is a wee bit of a trigger as I think about our final and upcoming birth. I'm 20 weeks.
We are planning a HBAC with the same(well, one, it was a team before, one is retired. Sucks because they were, literally, the perfect team for DH and I) midwife from before. As the pregnancy progresses, its seeming that we are ALL traumatized to some degree from my birth. My midwife was supposedly yelled at by otherwise cool OB after birth for letting a seemingly, but not, diabetic baby go that long. My DH...well, he checked out for a bit, but came through in the end, but he's scared to go through, what for him, was a REALLY tough emotional battle. It was an insane and unexpected experience for all of us after what was, otherwise, a really healthy and easy pregnancy.
And I find myself walking that fine line between realizing that, no matter what, this HBAC journey is in MY hands and that I am the only one who can birth this baby, and also really want to depend on others when I need to and know that they will be what I need them to be. I feel all mixed up between the two. And meanwhile, birth team, to me at least, seems to be unsure and scared and only kinda able to tell me they think I can do it. Maybe thats coming from my trauma, but they have both admitted that its messed with them and its hard.
Sigh. I just want to be at peace with them and myself on this. I feel strong and confident, and know this is up to me, but want to feel like they know it to, especially when I get weak and scared.
Suggestions? Thoughts? TIA!