Just need to vent *long* *stillbirth mentioned* - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-25-2010, 06:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm pretty new here. Mostly find myself lurking around. But I think I really need to share my stories, maybe just to get it off my chest in a place where I know others will relate and not judge.

My first baby was born the summer between my junior/senior year of college. I worked on a mother/baby unit in a large hospital and had great family support. I wanted a natural birth in a hospital. Went into labor 5 days before her due date and labored for about 24 hours at home. When I thought I could take it no more we went to the hospital. I was 3cm. =( After an epidural, pitocin and 3 1/2 hours of pushing my baby went into distress. They rushed me to the OR but I had an old school doc and he used the forceps (twice) to turn my little OP baby and I pushed her out very dramatically. She was a little slow to pink up, but all in all ok. I, however, had pushed out my foley cath and had no bladder control for months afterwards.

When I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd baby I was so excited. I had grown alot and knew this time I could have the birth I dreamed about. I would have him in the small hospital I worked, assisted by one of the wonderful midwives. A week before his due date we went into the hospital because I had not felt him move that day. He was gone. I was induced with double the amount normally used of cytotec. I had a fast, painful labor with no drugs. It was what I had always wanted, as far as that part went. I reached for him as he came out, scared they would take him from me, and he went to my bare chest. It was so beautiful and deeply emotional. I believe that his natural birth was exactly what I needed, but the pain of losing him will always define that moment.

I knew I wanted to be pregnant again very soon. Not to replace the son I lost, but I needed a baby to hold. I needed to feel life inside of me. I was pregnant with my 3rd baby, 2nd son, just months after we lost our baby boy. The whole pregnancy was uneventful, but full of anxiety and doubt. I went in at 38 3/7 weeks to be induced. I had a heavy heart about this decision, but ultimately I didn't want to live every moment in fear that I would lose this baby too. I progressed very fast (mere hours) and was soon at a 9. There was no time for an epidural, although I think I would have like one if I could have. There were just two many emotions going on inside me. The midwife broke my water and my baby's heart rate plummeted to the 40's and took a long time to recover. They called for a doc, turned me this was and that, tried about everything to stabilize him. At one point they lost his heart rate completely and then when they picked it up again it was 20. It was a mad race to the OR. I was in transition and out of my mind with worry. The last thing I remember is being strapped down to the table in a middle of a contraction and seeing the mask come at my face. I woke up in the recovery room in immense pain and worry. They quickly told me my baby was ok, that in fact he had done amazing! From that point on I forgot about everything but my screaming baby. Music to my ears!

Its been a little over a year since my 3rd child was born. 3 babies in 3 years! I am still grieving the loss of my 1st son and just recently I realized I am grieving the loss of control I've had over my labors. Does this make sense? I know I can not change what is past, but I still feel a desire to "do it right" even though I know this is irrational. Sorry to vent like this, I just needed to get this out and share it, I guess.
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Old 02-25-2010, 08:05 PM
 
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couldn't read and not post.
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Old 02-25-2010, 08:47 PM
 
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Thank you for sharing your story, your babies are all lucky to have a loving mama. What you are saying about wanting to "do it right" makes a lot of sense from an emotional standpoint, but I just really wanted to mention that you didn't do anything wrong. We all hope to have a textbook natural labor, but there are a million and one factors that go into a single birth, anything can happen, as we all know. With my third birth, I finally had one of those quick births and no drama, but then of course my placenta wouldn't come out properly and I started bleeding like crazy...so there is no such thing as a perfect birth (even though some people describe their birth that way). Your body has done an amazing thing by creating, growing and giving birth to three precious babies. I just wanted to say that, for the record.

homebirthing organic mama to three crazy boys very blessed!!
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Old 02-25-2010, 08:57 PM
 
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Thank you for sharing.

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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Old 02-25-2010, 09:48 PM
 
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Thank you for sharing.

caffix.gifChristine: Mama to bouncy.gif  DS 04/17/08  *Infant Stroke Survivor*  Always remembering:  brokenheart.gifbrokenheart.gifbrokenheart.gif

 

Took a 'break' from TTC and look what happened:  2ndtri.gif!!!!    praying.gif  for a healthy, full term baby to be born August 2012!!  Hoping for a vbac.gif!

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Old 02-27-2010, 02:54 PM
 
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, mama.

My 2nd son was born under general anesthesia also after cord compression during labor caused his heart rate to plummet, repeatedly. It was absolutely terrifying and I thought I was going to lose my baby.

I can't imagine going through that after having lost a child. My heart goes out to you.

Sending you healing vibes.
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Old 03-01-2010, 04:22 PM
 
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You are such a strong mama! Your story is amazing. Love and light to you and your family.

Lovestruck luxlove.gif mama to Girlie #1 energy.gifand Girlie #2 on the way!
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jenagrl View Post
Its been a little over a year since my 3rd child was born. 3 babies in 3 years! I am still grieving the loss of my 1st son and just recently I realized I am grieving the loss of control I've had over my labors. Does this make sense? I know I can not change what is past, but I still feel a desire to "do it right" even though I know this is irrational. Sorry to vent like this, I just needed to get this out and share it, I guess.
You've been through a lot. Your feelings don't have to be rational. They just are.

to you. We both know you'll never forget your lost little one, and it's hard to go through something (labour and birth) so important with no feeling of having any say in what happens. I completely understand why you feel this way, and why you need to vent.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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Old 03-02-2010, 09:43 PM
 
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Storm Bride said it perfectly.

Tanya
Mom to John (age 11), James (age 9) & Katherine (age 5)
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