I guess it's my turn. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 04-19-2010, 12:20 PM - Thread Starter
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It's been 11 years since my traumatic birth and I'm *really* not handling it well. I'm 17.5 weeks with my second and feelings I have been able to ignore, are coming to surface.

Friday Feb 5th 3 days *before* my due date I was warned "If you don't have the over the weekend we need to start talking induction" I was 20, single and scared. Very scared. I swear I willed my body into labor. Friday night I started vomitting, saturday I wasn't hungry at all, and it didn't even occur to me that I should probably still be drinking water or something to prevent dehydration. Saturday night around 10pm I started having contractions. Instead of going to bed, I sat up all night (alone) timing them on the TV guide channel.

They stayed about every 5 minutes for a good 8 hours before I woke up my aunt. Around 10am Sunday we went to the hospital. They sent me home. I was only dialated to 2. I cried. I had already been up all night and was making zero progress.

Around 4pm my labor coach and bff finally had made the 2 hour drive to be with me. We hung out, joked between ctx and all was well. If I tried to eat or drink I'd vomit and I hate vomitting more than anything else on the PLANET. So I quit trying.

6pm we make it back to the hosptial. It's been 8 (more) hours of regular ctx every 5 minutes like clockwork. I'm dialated to a 4. We're told we can go home or stay, it's up to me. I stayed.

I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what labor was supposed to feel like. I was having pretty severe back labor the whole time. Not once did I feel a ctx in my belly.

At some point my dad showed up. I hadn't called him, he called the hospital and they told him I was there. He wasn't really invited. He called my mom (they wern't together) and she showed up. She *really* wasn't invited.

Somewhere in there I'm told I have to get an epidural now or get it when they give me a c-section. I consent. I'm relieved. I'll finally get some reprieve from the pain. I've been laboring for 24 hours with regular ctx. That's not counting the 8 hours of "Could this be labor" I was feeling all of Saturday.

The Epi didn't work, or something. I still felt every ctx. The right side was less painful but they still hurt. There was no pain relief on the left.

Around 3am they gave me stadol so that I can get some sleep. I napped for 45 minutes, I needed that sleep so badly I thought I was going to die. Of course this whole time I'm laying on my back, with a fetal monitor on my belly. I finally wake up and start calling for a nurse. I tell her I need Amy my bff/labor coach. Nurse tells me she's sleeping and I should let her rest.
No.. I need her NOW. Nurse checks me and I'm dialated to 6cm. I've been in the hospital for 10 hours and I've only made 2cm progress. I cried.. she offered to check again... Ok maybe I'm to a 7. (it's right around 4am) I tell her to go get Amy NOW. The baby is coming. She insists I've got time but went to get her begrudgingly.

Everything else is a blur. At 4:14 I sending Amy to the bassinette to watch them give Reya 30 seconds of oxygen. She joked that DD has my mouth. I assumed that was because she was screaming (finally! That was the longest 30 seconds ever!)
Somewhere in there I felt scissors, and screamed "Stop cutting" then I felt another snip. I didn't push at all.. My body did it and I screamed through that process. I felt like I was ripping in 1/2. I was prepared for "Ring of fire" pain, but never felt that. The bed was broken down pretty fast and they put my legs in some crazy U shaped calf holder. Me still flat on my back of course.

I don't know how much time passed, but it wasn't long before my Dr put her hand inside me to manually remove the placenta. I could feel her scraping the inside of my uterus. Then she did it again. I was screaming. Apparently I lost a lot of blood. I didn't look, but do remember seeing bloody footprints thinking "that's my blood"

I don't remember how long passed another nurse came in and gave me a catheter. As she spread my knees I cried. I cried and tried to tell them how violated I felt. I used those words. No apology, no explaination as to why that may have been necessary, no kind words.

At 6am they took her to the nursery to bath her and whatever they do to the babies back there. Amy went with her as planned. I napped after 45 minutes I decided that they had her long enough. I start hitting the call button begging them to bring her back. She was in the nursery for 2 hours.

It wasn't surgical, there was no pit, but I still feel violated. Last night DH asked what I was reading.. It was an article about "birth rape" and I just cried. He's trying his best, but he doesn't understand. He's humoring my want (need) for a natural birth, but his ex "had" to have sections, and he just assumes that I will too.

My first prenatal appt is in 4 hours. That'll be my first pap in 11 years. I've managed to avoid stir-ups for that long. I'm nervous as hell and don't really know how to work through this.

Mom to Reya (13) and Little baby Lila 9/22



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#2 of 5 Old 04-19-2010, 04:07 PM
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I'm so sorry you experienced that.

Do you think talking about it with your hcp before your pap might help? They should know your history before you begin receiving care from them And I would also *highly* suggest meeting with a holistic, woman-centered midwife for your prenatal, birth, postpartum, and well-woman care.

me, my man, and our boys (1/08 and 3/11)

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#3 of 5 Old 04-19-2010, 08:02 PM
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You have every right to feel violated and nervous...that would only be natural. I am heartbroken for your terror and hurts. There is a support group that is spacific for this kind of issue: http://www.solaceformothers.org/ I suggest you contact them and get help!!! Really! Also, contact ICAN, http://www.ican-online.org/ they are spacific for vbac, but might be able to get you in touch with birth professionals who will be supportive and encouraging! I just want to say you're not as alone as you feel. Hold on and believe that you're not in for another trauma...OK? Also, tell your doctor and nurse about the experience you had...make it crystal clear that you're not in for the same ride! I personally would think about birthing at home, but that is a very personal choice and only you can make it.

Birth Blessings!

Wife to Mark, Momma to Matt & Bryan : Joe & Jonathan - Labor Doula
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#4 of 5 Old 04-20-2010, 02:13 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you. I really feel like I was heard at my appt yesterday. I'll meet the midwife next time. If she's as comforting as the OB was then I really think I'll be ok.

Mom to Reya (13) and Little baby Lila 9/22



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#5 of 5 Old 05-12-2010, 06:13 PM
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My children are 10 years apart because of my first birth. No details are necessary, really. I had a HEALING experience with DS's birth and I owe it ALL to hypnobabies. Please invest in the home study course and keep an open mind when making all the decisions that you will make when preparing for your new babe.
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