I had my baby girl almost 8 months ago. I was at a birth center, my water broke b/4 labor started, and after 24 hours I was made to go to the hospital for augmentation. The pit caused decelerations, which caused my very traumatic c-section. It has been so hard. I am in therapy (I wrote about it in another thread), and am definitely on the mend. I am trying to take care of my body, my spirit and my soul. At times though, probably a few times a day, I engage in wishful thinking. I go back over the events, and try to think of things I could have done differently that could have prevented my hospital transfer. There were many of those moments, other choices I could have made, things I should have known.
I really think I would be fine if I felt my c-section had been necessary. My baby girl is my prize, and I am one lucky Mama. But, it didn't have to happen that way, she wasn't meant to be born in that violent and cold place. I lost my voice, allowed them to lead me around and agree to things I knew were wrong. I let their policy dictate my birth. I didn't know that I could say no. Oh, how I wish I had known that! Which leads me to my question-
For those who have been there and had traumatic birth experiences, was there ever a point when you could truthfully not wish you could go back and do it all over again? What does it feel like? I can't imagine it, and I guess I am looking for some insight. Thanks, you all have been a really big help to me.
My experience did not involve a c-section, but it was extremely traumatic and had every single kind of intervention other than a c-section that you can get in a hospital setting. What kills me is that I had read all the books, watched all the documentaries and birth films, etc....so in my mind "I knew better!" which makes it so much worse. I can`t hide or justify my guilt behind ignorance. It just got to a point in my labor where I had no support from my now ex husband and I was in too much pain and too tired to keep going on my own, so I went to the hospital....and once there it became a nightmare.....they injured me and almost killed my daughter.
Lots of love and healing thoughts going your way. I have thought many times about having a second child and trying a home birth again, but then question my desire to do so and wonder if it would be just so I could heal or to prove myself that I can do it, or to feel what it`s really like to have a good birth. Then I wonder, if I do have a good home birth, how bad I would feel for my DD1 since I wasn`t able to provide that for her. As you can see, I am still torn up about it. But it has gotten a lot easier to deal with. I used to cry remembering the birth for quite a few months after my little treasure was born. I don`t cry any more, but the mental and emotional anguish persist inside my head.
May we both find ways to bring peace and leave the pain behind.
i spent the first 3 months thinking every detail through over and over, wishing i done things differently...i like that you call it wishful thinking. i just felt like i was being constantly weighted down with regrets and resentments.
not so much now. although they do rear their ugly head
this has a lot to do with the fact that i am now obsessed with doing the research necessary to convince DH that we should have a HBAC next go around. this is a big battle, so it has consumed most of my energy.
what has also helped me was getting my medical records and now knowing for a fact that the c/s was not necessary. now i have no doubt that my anger with the OB and the hospital is totally justified, and although i could have done a lot of things different, i am letting myself off the hook.
that was my first time in labor, there was no dress rehearsal. i did the best i could....as for the OB and hospital, they have birthed hundreds and hundreds of babies, they should have done better!!!!
Another turning point for me was 18 months after the birth, which is also when I signed up for the MDC forums and started sharing my experience here. Connecting with other moms with experiences that I could relate to and really finding my voice in this community has been incredibly healing.
Things change over time. It's just how it is. Healing does happen.
Good luck to you, mama! I hope you will keep sharing your experiences here.
Living in Wisconsin with my partner of 20+ years and our DD(Born 10/09/08 ). Why CI Mama? Because I love contact improvisation!
Lovin my sweet babygirl 3-17-10 and expecting another in March!
I now look at my first birth as the catalyst to learn more & grow and become the birth advocate I am today.
That's not to say that I'm not emotionally affected by my traumatic births, I am very much so and I still can't read birth stories because of the anxiety and emotions that swell inside of me, but as for wanting to go back and do it over, no, I don't. I hope that made sense!
I'm so sorry you're in pain
Single Mom with a BF Mommy to 2 girls & 2 boys
Using the Law of Attraction Loving my Family