You wanna know what I resent? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 17 Old 06-03-2010, 02:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Our 4th baby was born via c/s on Christmas Eve after we transferred to the hospital at 7cm in labor for undeliverable face presentation.

Our baby was breech throughout my pregnancy and we used chiropractic, acupuncture, moxibustion, homeopathy, pelvic tilts, slant board, you name it, to turn her. She did turn finally but was in a face presentation and would not descend. On the car ride to the hospital, she flipped back into her preferred breech presentation.

My midwife caught all of our babies (1st in birth center, 2nd and 3rd home waterbirths) and is a wonderful CNM. Our babies were 8.14, 8.15 and 9.9 so we expected this baby to be large too. My midwife would not have agreed to a home birth with a breech baby. We thought we were in the clear when she turned vertex but I *knew* my whole labor that something was wrong. I kept saying, "This isn't working." It all felt wrong.

We got to the hospital, my midwife's back up OB came in, u/s showed my baby was breech and he said we needed a c/s. He refused to attempt a version because my water had broken hours earlier. I spent several hours in the hospital waiting and trying to see if she would flip back to vertex. She wasn't budging so we had the section. She was 8 pounds even. Perfectly healthy, just hiney first.

What I resent is the unspoken assumption in the natural birth community that having a c/s makes you a sucker or a failure. Like you fell for a trick or didn't do your homework or got duped. I was upset by having a c/s but I was not tricked and I did not FAIL. I think we are doing women a tremendous disservice by painting all c/s as unnecessary interventions that equal failure. Are loads of women being misled and suffering unnecessary c/s? YES! Are all c/s necessary? NO! I realize it is a slippery slope. But there has to be a way for us to make room for mothers like me. The disappointment of having my homebirth taken away is compounded 100 fold by the unspoken message I have received that 'cesarean section' is synonymous with 'mother's failure.'

As some of you know, I had a life-threatening hematoma as a direct result of the section, underwent emergency surgery 5 hours after my daughter's birth and was close to becoming a tragic statistic. I hate the way women and their babies are treated during most c/s . C/s are major surgery and they come with all the risks of major surgery. I am not pro-section by any stretch.

I am just trying to say that sometimes, they are necessary. Shunning the mother, discrediting her providers and trying to poke holes in her birth story hurts a woman who is already hurting. I really resent the treatment I have received and it has heaped pain on top of pain. I appreciate the opportunity to share my feelings here.

Amy

Wife to K since 6/95 Mommy to "The Fellas" ages 13, 10 and 8 and our rainbow girly 12/09.
Always remembering my babies who could not stay '08 '08 '09
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#2 of 17 Old 06-03-2010, 03:59 PM
 
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I am terribly sorry if anyone treated you like you were tricked or uninformed.

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#3 of 17 Old 06-03-2010, 04:18 PM
 
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Bless you. I had a csection with my first, I know exactly what you're talking about. Like you have to prove every single step of the way that you did what you could to get out of it.

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#4 of 17 Old 06-03-2010, 04:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jtrt View Post
The disappointment of having my homebirth taken away is compounded 100 fold by the unspoken message I have received that 'cesarean section' is synonymous with 'mother's failure.'

...

Shunning the mother, discrediting her providers and trying to poke holes in her birth story hurts a woman who is already hurting.
Amy,

I'm glad you posted. I think you have a really important message, and I agree that some of us who had truly medically necessary c-sections are (I believe unintentionally) marginalized within the natural childbirth community.

There was a really thorough thread on this not too long ago.... I'll try to find it and link it here. I'm really sorry that people have been hurtful. We grieve the births we didn't have enough without negativity from others.

Here's the link: where do c-sections fit or something like that. It does get a little heated, as the OP anticipates, but I think they come to a good resolution at the end.

More to you.

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#5 of 17 Old 06-03-2010, 04:31 PM
 
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Totally get that...you are certainly not alone. I have a c-section after a hospital transfer. I was exhausted...36 hours on 48 hours of no sleep. I actually feel like my midwives could have managed my birth better...I really needed someone to advocate for me and educate me and they just disappeared into the walls.

"Breastfeeding is a robust, biologically stable activity so central to our evolutionary identity that it names the class of animals to which we belong" (Breastfeeding Atlas, Third Edition)
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#6 of 17 Old 06-03-2010, 04:33 PM
 
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Wow I am sorry you are getting that feeling from people. That's the last thing you need after having an experience like that.

Mama to (DS 7) and (DD 5), wife to DH

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#7 of 17 Old 06-03-2010, 04:43 PM
 
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I agree. I've veered away from some of the natural birth communities in my area, because I'm tired of justifying my c-section. Pre-eclampsia, HELLP, and 212/120 blood pressure is a NECESSARY c-section. No midwife that I'd trust my life to would disagree with that.

Welcoming our twins :: born February 21, 2009 at 33 weeks! :
C-section due to pre-eclampsia and HELLP:
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#8 of 17 Old 06-03-2010, 07:23 PM
 
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Those people are just total control freaks. They react with fear when they hear these birth stories and they delude themselves into thinking they have some sort of magical control over their health. The truth is that they are terrified of having happen to them, so they decide you must have done something wrong. They can't stand the idea that sometimes s*** happens. It's not about you, it's about their own insecurities and fears.

Wife to amazing dh, mama to dd 12/08
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#9 of 17 Old 06-06-2010, 01:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, mommas, for your thoughtful replies. I did read the entire thread referenced above and experienced a wide range of emotions while reading it. Thank you, justKate, for directing me to it. There is nothing new under the sun...

I honestly think you nailed it, scottishmommy. The really vehement opposition to my birth story comes from people who believe they can control *every* birthing situation with whatever tactic they personally like. Whether that is Bradley, hypnobirthing, manifesting, UC, a CNM, a CPM, whatever "magic bullet" they think worked for them the 1 or 2 times they have birthed. It is a way of saying to themselves, "That will never happen to me because I.... and she went wrong by...."

I have to let it go and know that I made the best possible decisions for my births and my babies. The exact same choices led to a beautiful birth center birth, two glorious outdoor home waterbirths and one beautiful labor that culminated in the surgical birth of my daughter. Same strategies, same midwife, same husband, same preparation, etc. The birth that should have been my magnum opus was my c/s. The "rules" the critics apply about preparation, education, experience, trust, etc just did not hold up for my breech darling.

But such is life! I have lived and learned. I am not ashamed of my c/s. Just like I will never be able to convince a hard-core opponent of homebirthing that my homebirths were safe, desirable experiences, I will never be able to convince the opposite end of the spectrum folks that my c/s birth was the correct choice in my situation.

This birth taught me that there will always be critics and naysayers. I am the only person I have to please with my choices. And I am perfectly cool with me. Thanks again, wise mommas.

Amy

Wife to K since 6/95 Mommy to "The Fellas" ages 13, 10 and 8 and our rainbow girly 12/09.
Always remembering my babies who could not stay '08 '08 '09
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#10 of 17 Old 06-24-2010, 11:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jtrt View Post
What I resent is the unspoken assumption in the natural birth community that having a c/s makes you a sucker or a failure. Like you fell for a trick or didn't do your homework or got duped. I was upset by having a c/s but I was not tricked and I did not FAIL. I think we are doing women a tremendous disservice by painting all c/s as unnecessary interventions that equal failure. Are loads of women being misled and suffering unnecessary c/s? YES! Are all c/s necessary? NO! I realize it is a slippery slope. But there has to be a way for us to make room for mothers like me. The disappointment of having my homebirth taken away is compounded 100 fold by the unspoken message I have received that 'cesarean section' is synonymous with 'mother's failure.'

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#11 of 17 Old 06-24-2010, 11:12 PM
 
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Well said, mama
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#12 of 17 Old 06-24-2010, 11:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post
Those people are just total control freaks. They react with fear when they hear these birth stories and they delude themselves into thinking they have some sort of magical control over their health. The truth is that they are terrified of having happen to them, so they decide you must have done something wrong. They can't stand the idea that sometimes s*** happens. It's not about you, it's about their own insecurities and fears.
This, completely.
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#13 of 17 Old 07-03-2010, 12:47 AM
 
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I am not ashamed of my c/s.

This birth taught me that there will always be critics and naysayers. I am the only person I have to please with my choices. And I am perfectly cool with me. Thanks again, wise mommas.

Amy
Amy,
You have spoken so wisely! I am not ashamed of my C/S either, but still wish things would have gone the opposite way. I emailed my care provider about it recently & the response I got was heartbreaking to me. Healing from some postpartum depression issues & still grieving my loss of a vaginal home waterbirth & I need to have some reassurance sometimes to get my head & heart aligned. Had a TON of feelings come up after I attended my first birth back as a doula that I wasn't expecting at all.

I am so proud of your journey through hell & back. You are a strong woman and a great mother. You truly are an inspiration to me.

A doula who married a cop & became a mama to 3 boys: G 12/22/00, my rainbow baby B 2/2/07 and L 2/10/10 my CBA2V baby, waiting for my little caboose late February 2013 & always remembering my two angels 2006 & 2012.

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#14 of 17 Old 07-03-2010, 01:05 AM
 
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Thank you for this thread. I needed it. I am sick and tired of feeling so defensive.

coolshine.gif Mama to DS ('06), DD ('08), and DD (9.18.11).

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#15 of 17 Old 07-03-2010, 12:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by justKate View Post
Here's the link: where do c-sections fit or something like that. It does get a little heated, as the OP anticipates, but I think they come to a good resolution at the end.

More to you.
One of the best threads I have read in a LONG LONG time

A doula who married a cop & became a mama to 3 boys: G 12/22/00, my rainbow baby B 2/2/07 and L 2/10/10 my CBA2V baby, waiting for my little caboose late February 2013 & always remembering my two angels 2006 & 2012.

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#16 of 17 Old 07-03-2010, 12:47 PM
 
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What I resent is the unspoken assumption in the natural birth community that having a c/s makes you a sucker or a failure. Like you fell for a trick or didn't do your homework or got duped. I was upset by having a c/s but I was not tricked and I did not FAIL. I think we are doing women a tremendous disservice by painting all c/s as unnecessary interventions that equal failure. Are loads of women being misled and suffering unnecessary c/s? YES! Are all c/s necessary? NO! I realize it is a slippery slope. But there has to be a way for us to make room for mothers like me. The disappointment of having my homebirth taken away is compounded 100 fold by the unspoken message I have received that 'cesarean section' is synonymous with 'mother's failure.'
Amen Sister!!

If I hear someone else say that all c/s are unnecessary or that we must have done something to cause it, I'm going to scream. Women and their babies die all over the world everyday because they have no access to c/s. It's used too often here, but that doesn't mean that it's never warranted.

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#17 of 17 Old 07-03-2010, 12:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post
Those people are just total control freaks. They react with fear when they hear these birth stories and they delude themselves into thinking they have some sort of magical control over their health. The truth is that they are terrified of having happen to them, so they decide you must have done something wrong. They can't stand the idea that sometimes s*** happens. It's not about you, it's about their own insecurities and fears.
Yes, yes, yes and yes!

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