Hi. I am new here, and I hope no one will mind if this first post is kind of long. My friends and family all have had very practical, matter-of-fact responses to what happened to me, and I would like to talk to women who had also wanted what I wanted, and didn't get it.
I had had a perfect pregnancy, and was super confident about my coming home birth, when my membranes ruptured about a week before my "due date." At first this was exciting, and I was sure I'd go into labor like I was supposed to. Over two days later, despite acupuncture and herbs, nothing had happened, and the midwife wasn't happy with what she saw on the monitor. I had to go to the hospital, and she and the hospital midwife agreed they had to start the pitocin.
It seemed the birth might still be okay, but when I went for a walk in the hall I hadn't got far before a nurse came running after me and told me the baby wasn't doing well. From that point I think I knew what would happen. But I never dreamed, in spite of my midwife making clear months beforehand to the hospital staff that I HAD TO have a female doctor if I wound up there, I still wouldn't get one. (I was sexually abused by a male pediatrician, and I have a pathological fear and horror of male doctors.) But the hospital couldn't or wouldn't find a woman.
At that point I had crying and shaking so hard, with chattering teeth and everything, they had to hold me down as I was wheeled away. The surgery was so horrible, all I could think of was how I would kill myself as soon as possible afterwards. Not joking there, I'm afraid. But I changed my mind when they gave me my son. I loved him right away, and began to feel happy again, so it was a shame they only waited about ten minutes, with me in the state I was in, to tell me he probably had Down Syndrome. (He did.)
Now we're home, and he is the sweetest baby I could have imagined, and is with me every minute, but I am still so angry. I don't know if it will ever go away.