Waking Nightmare - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 3 Old 08-04-2010, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi. I am new here, and I hope no one will mind if this first post is kind of long. My friends and family all have had very practical, matter-of-fact responses to what happened to me, and I would like to talk to women who had also wanted what I wanted, and didn't get it.

I had had a perfect pregnancy, and was super confident about my coming home birth, when my membranes ruptured about a week before my "due date." At first this was exciting, and I was sure I'd go into labor like I was supposed to. Over two days later, despite acupuncture and herbs, nothing had happened, and the midwife wasn't happy with what she saw on the monitor. I had to go to the hospital, and she and the hospital midwife agreed they had to start the pitocin.

It seemed the birth might still be okay, but when I went for a walk in the hall I hadn't got far before a nurse came running after me and told me the baby wasn't doing well. From that point I think I knew what would happen. But I never dreamed, in spite of my midwife making clear months beforehand to the hospital staff that I HAD TO have a female doctor if I wound up there, I still wouldn't get one. (I was sexually abused by a male pediatrician, and I have a pathological fear and horror of male doctors.) But the hospital couldn't or wouldn't find a woman.

At that point I had crying and shaking so hard, with chattering teeth and everything, they had to hold me down as I was wheeled away. The surgery was so horrible, all I could think of was how I would kill myself as soon as possible afterwards. Not joking there, I'm afraid. But I changed my mind when they gave me my son. I loved him right away, and began to feel happy again, so it was a shame they only waited about ten minutes, with me in the state I was in, to tell me he probably had Down Syndrome. (He did.)

Now we're home, and he is the sweetest baby I could have imagined, and is with me every minute, but I am still so angry. I don't know if it will ever go away.
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#2 of 3 Old 08-04-2010, 03:16 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that happened to you, mama...I can imagine your fear and the pain and anger that still exists for you. Have you checked into the Birth Trauma resources that are stickied here? Healing can happen, and perhaps in seeking healing for your birth trauma, you can also begin to heal the hurt and horror of the past. It takes time...love your baby and be gentle with yourself...healing can and does happen, I can say from my own experience and witnessing others as well.
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#3 of 3 Old 08-06-2010, 02:45 AM
 
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i'm so sorry mama that your request for a female dr. wasn't honoured and that the birth experience you had hoped for didn't happen.

i can tell you that my eldest nephew is special needs and has brought so much pure love and joy to our family. i babysat him a lot when he was a baby and often until i went away to school (he's in his 20s now), and he may have been a challenge (compared with his younger brothers and sister), but as he got older he seemed much easier than the other 3.

i hope your beautiful bub brings you much joy and that you continue to voice what you need and feel to help you with your own healing.

i don't know what it feels like to be going through what you are now, but having had 2 preemies and 2 surgical births, i certainly can empathise with how tough it can be when "normal" birth doesn't occur.

be gentle with yourself - you've been through a lot.

mama to callum (april 8,07) and everett (sept 24,09) - blessed to be married to my life's love since '98. novaxnocirc.gif

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