My own birth trauma never really clicked with me - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-07-2010, 03:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Until one morning I woke up and I was just thinking.... I was thinking about every comment i had ever heard about me being born and i was like, "ooohhhhh......"

Comments like, "when they brought you back to me I thought they had given me the wrong baby. You looked like a little Mexican baby! All bright red and thick black hair" ( to me this says i was taken from my mother right away since she didnt know what i looked like, then when i was given back to her she had doubts that i really was hers)

And, the fact that my mother was induced 3 weeks early ( I still have no idea why and i dont talk to my mother, so I cant ask her) by a doctor who came into her room while she was sleeping and broke her water(can you break someons water while they're sleeping?) without her consent.

was in labor 22 hours (wonder what that was like for me tryin to make my way out before i was really ready)

Had trouble breast feeding

Not to mention the fact that my mother felt she had conceived me out of "sin" and had to make up for it by making her child a child of "god". A child who was also naturally "born into sin" <---- thats a whole nother jar of cookies for maybe a different site though.


I feel like i can remember it almost and its not something that gives me the feeling of satisfaction or content. I feel I see how alot of what happend at my birth has translated into other areas of my life.


It seems like my mother giving birth was the experience of alot of women in those days (unfortunatly for a lot of women these days) induction, stirups, epidural,the whole push for 3 counts of ten even though we arnt even sure your having a contraction, episiotomy, baby being taken to go to nursury with other screaming babies. But is this typical birth scene what has givin alot of us our mentality? This clicking together has come after I had already been having a growing interest in pre/perinatal psychology. Am I anaylizing it too much? Am i being harsh on my mother for having these feelings of resentment for not protecting me in my first impressions of the outside world? (a continuous theme in mine and and my mothers relationship). Is my determination to do it so differently from my mother clouding my judgments?


Not really expecting responses to this..... not sure why.
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Old 09-07-2010, 03:45 PM
 
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that's interesting. I don't feel like I remember my own birth, but I have heard lots of stories about it and it was traumatic. I know that the stories have shaped the way I think about birth.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:50 AM
 
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I think, as long as you realize your mother was a victim of the system, it is a healthy thing to mourn the trauma you went through in your birth. It most definitely affected you and your perceptions, your decisions about what this life was all about (that it was a hostile place, for example, not to be trusted). If you feel anger at your mother, it might be good to do a meditation where you take yourself by the hand and go back into your babyhood until the moment of birth. Let the baby show you how she felt and you can give her some insight so she can forgive her mother if she has issues there. I find it helpful to visualize a cord of light that I/the baby/child can yank on and pull herself out of there if things become too frightening.

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Old 12-11-2010, 04:50 AM
 
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It sounds like it was probably a traumatic affair for both you and your mother.  It is interesting that you blame your mother for "not protecting you" ans i wonder if she made grosser errors of this type later on and thus you view your birth through the lens of those mistakes and not purely on the grounds of the birth...?  My mother had a non-labour cs at 37+4 to have me (VBAC was not possible).  I was "ready" (i.e. could breathe) but it was certainly sooner than i would have come (she went to 40weeks with all her previous vaginally born kids).  Apparently i looked at her with a "hey we made it" expression when she was shown me right after they took me out.  Later in life she was one for making sweeping decisions which affected us profoundly without making too much trouble to see/consider beforehand how it would affect us, and i could have looked back and thought "she did that RIGHT from the start" but i didn't, because i can see that to do so would be to frame one mistake with a different circumstance and make them stack up in a way that they didn't in reality.  So maybe it's the way you frame it, which is tied up more in how you and your mom got on later on?

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