I am wondering why something that I came to terms with 14 yrs ago is whipping my arse still when it happened again 8.5mos ago? We'll never know if either were truly necassary, although I have 2 blessings from it all. I am not a vain person, so the physical scar, twice cut, doesn't compare to the emotiional ones beneath. I had 6 natural blessings between, shouldn't that be enough? I made it 15 yrs and 6 babies before it happened again, can't I remember that?
Why do I think ignoring it all this long will just make the shadows disappear? But yet, they lurk. They remind me of my pain when I read brief discussion on my newsfeed. I see beautiful art that reminds me of the cold and lifeless white walls and the flat table and my arms laid out as my Lord's was that horrible day. I am reminded that twice broken means future blessings will be passively taken out of me.
It was better the second time. I need to remember that, right? It wasn't as painful, I got to get up sooner, I got to eat sooner, my baby never left my side. Shouldn't that pacify me? I have lived it all, I have done all that there is to offer in the myriad of options. I should be proud.
But, yet, I sit still in denial. I knit, I eat, I sleep a little, I drink my Diet Coke and iced coffee, I enjoy my 8 children, I teach my children. We go about day to day. Denying what is there, what is inevitable shall the Lord bless us again. How will I deal with it again? How do I tell my husband that I just can't do that again? How do I deny my Lord after the promise I made him so long ago?
I must recognize it. I must say it. I have to say it. I have been silent so long. I have to express myself so that I can move on. So, I can welcome what the Lord has for my future. With all abandon, I must keep moving forward. ------Kymberli
Hello! I haven't been around a lot, just a little, and I have been sooo avoiding anything that has to do with dealing with my last Csection. I am REALLY needing some hugs. I just can't deal with it. I go about and I know it is there. How do I start all over again? TIA Kymberli