First time writing my birth story... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 10-08-2010, 09:03 PM - Thread Starter
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My birth did not at all turn out the way I wanted it to... I haven't been able to write up more than a 1 paragraph summary because it upsets me so I figure this is the place to do it.... here we go...

DH and I only planned on having 1 biological child, so this was in my mind my one shot to get it "right" pregnancy, birth, the whole deal. We decided long ago that if we were to have more than one child the others would be adopted.

My birth control was making me crazy, so as soon as we figured we were in the clear to get pregnant I just stopped taking it. My cycles were totally screwed up (some times 3 weeks long, sometimes 8!) so it was always hard to tell if i was pregnant, we even got one possible "false positive" either that or it was a very very early miscarriage, I'll never know in this life. About 6 months later I was pregnant. Turns out we conceived sometime just before christmas.

My sister had a son year earlier (unplanned pregnancy when she was only 19, gave birth at 20) and had an almost completely natural birth. I believe the only drug she had was cirvidal as a means to induce, and that was all it took. She also hired a doula, something I had never heard of at that point. As the father of her son was out of the picture, that was a very smart move. her birth changed my view on birth a lot, as I always assumed I would be in a hospital from the first contraction, full of pain meds. After she gave birth she taught me a lot, and I did a lot of my own research and quickly was convinced that I had to have a drug free birth, for the sake of my child. I had been terrified of birth my whole life, but I already had decided that I would easily die for my child, so why not go through labor for them? Once I knew that was what was best, I was determined to do everything I could to make it happen. Did lots of reading, and took a class that focused on natural childbirth, talked to DH A LOT, about what he could do for me to help since I'm very differant from a lot of women (very hands OFF). I explained to him many times how I would probably want him within reach of me but not actually touching me (turned out to be very true).

We came up with a plan that DH would be my main support person, any my sister (who was now on the path to becoming a doula herself!) would be there to back us both up and help deal with drs and nurses (as DH was really only comfortable with a hospital birth). My doctors (there were 5 in the practice) varied on thier support. One started out supportive, but then wasn't so much when I told her I refused to be induced at 40 weeks for GD (she looked right at me and told me I was putting my baby at risk for still birth for wanting to wait 1 week, bitch) Oh yeah... I was diagnosed with GD, which I'm still not convinced that I had as a normal dose of glyburide would send my sugar crashing to the 50's..... so there goes my drug free pregnancy. I actually ended up quiting the glyburide without talking to my dr at 38 weeks as I wanted to be sure it was all out of my system before I gave birth. By the time I gave birth only ONE dr at the practice was truly supportive of my plan to have a natural childbirth in a hospital.

At my 20 week ultrasound they said my baby was head down, but posterior. I spent many nights with my head on the floor trying to get him to turn. At 29 weeks he was still posterior. By this point I was having LOTS of back pain, that they attributed to his not so great position, but at least he was head down. They did NSTs every week starting at week 35, every one was FANTASTIC, also the baby consistently measured (fundal height) right on or 1 week ahead. I was very happy with this, as the doctors kept hanging "big baby" over my head becuase of the GD. Not to mention that I'm a very tiny person 4'10'' 135lbs (pre-pregnancy) and I only gained 10-15 lbs during my pregnancy. The most I ever weighed was 150 ar 37 weeks. So they kept saying your too little to have a big GD baby, we need to get this baby out of you. At 39+7 weeks they made me do an ultrasound to check fluid levels, and they told me the baby was ANTERIOR! I was so happy!! Also they said I had great fluid levels and the baby was measuring a little above average! I was fine with this. They stripped my membranes (I was 1.5cm), but planned on induction at 41 weeks if I didn't go into labor by then.

The next day was my due date. DH and I went out with my sister, her son, and her boyfriend to a festival down the street from her house. I had been having B-H contractions all week, and had thought I was in labor more than once, so when I was having contractions after the fireworks I thought nothing of it. My sister even felt my belly through one of them commenting on how hard my stomach felt. I just ignored them as best as I could.

By the time we got home that night around 11pm they still hadn't gone away so I started timing them, they were just under 10 minutes apart. I couldn't sleep becuase they were so strong, so I watched TV and kept timing them. When they were about 5 minutes apart they started to really hurt, so I got in the tub and breathed trough them. By this point I was starting to think this might actually be it, so I tried to get some food down. They just kept coming at by 3am they were 3-4 minutes apart and hurting pretty bad. So we made the decision to head out to the hospital. The car ride SUCKED as I couldn't get in any comfy position.

When we finally got up to the labor room, I found I was only at 2cm!! I was NOT HAPPY. I had been having contractions since 9pm, it was now 4am. My sister met us there. Then I was stuck on the monitor for an hour in misery stuck in the bed. That was horrible too.... Soon I was able to get up and I put my ball on the bed and leaned over that. I spent a lot of time in that position. We had Alexi Murdoch playing the entire time, from the car ride though all of labor and every time the song "Don't forget to breath" came on it really helped me. At 6:30 my sister and DH shared thier breakfast with me, I mostly ate eggs as they were monitoring my blood sugar every hour and it was around 120. Sometime around 7am my doctor (THE GOOD DR! YAY!) came in and checked me, I was at 5cm!!!! YAY!!!! I was so encouraged!! I kept going, forcing myself to change postions after every few contractions (they were still about 3 mins apart).

This is when things start to get blury.... Contractions continued about 3 mins apart, but got stronger and stronger.... They were doing monitoring every 1.5 hours or so and the baby was doing great. I was getting tired though, it was getting on 24 hours with no sleep. I'm not sure when I got nauseous... but eventually I started puking with my contractions, then they put me on ice chips only. At some point a few hours later I was checked again and I was at 6cm. The pain was getting unbearable, and I wanted to give up, but my sister pushed me to try to shower, so I did. I think we spent about a half hour in there... it sucked.. the shower head wasn't movable, and it was really hard to get a good water temperature. I was in agony. In tears I made the decision to get a narcotic and try to sleep for an hour. This was really scary for me, as most drugs stronger than tylonal make me loopy. Luckily whatever they gave me (I really don't remember) didn't. I slept for a very short period of time, then was half asleep listening to DH and my sister talk for a while...Not sure when the shift changed, it may have been before the drugs.. or after... not sure.... but it did... and that is what I think sealed my fate. In came Dr. Novas.... I was STILL at 6cm. I got up and labored for a few hours.. till about 4pm. Then I was MISERABLE... AGAIN. I was crying and crying... and talked to DH about an epidural.... eventually with much fear and sadness I got one. When they told me DH and my sister had to leave the room I cried more. Luckily I had the most AMAZING nurse ever. Caitlyn was her name. She told me all about her birth, she had an epidural with a vaginal delivery. Despite that she had seen my birth plan and was extremely supportive of it. She held me through so many contractions that day. Thank God I was her only patient, she was amazing despite being the youngest nurse I had all day. She was there for me when I got the epidural. She held my head so I wouldn't move as a man came in a stuck needles in my spine. I was TERRIFIED something would go wrong. Nothing did, it worked like a charm. That is until the catheter was in... the catheter hurt a lot, and they attributed it to the baby pushing on it.

I forget when I let them break my water.. Dr. Novas did that, and I think it was before the epidural. It didn't do anything though. I really felt no difference despite a LOT of water coming out (such a weird sensation). The pain wasn't worse, the contractions didn't speed up. Nothing.

After being on the epidural for quite some time, my contractions slowed down to about 5 minutes apart. Around 5 or 6 I let my parents come in for a little bit as my sister went home to see her son for a while. My mom wasn't as stressful as I expected, but she didn't help either. Around this same time I allowed them to start pitocin.... it didn't seem to do much, but my contractions were stronger according to the monitor. I got checked at 7:45 after 2 hours on pitocin and I was still at 6cm.

I broke at this point. I HATED not being in control of my body. I HATED being flipped on to my other side by the nurse every hour. I HATED my dr who kept coming in and telling me my labor was abnormal. I wanted my awesome dr. back soooo bad. I HATED that my good nurse had gone home at 7 and now I had to get to know someone else (she was just fine, just after 12 hours it SUCKS to have that change). I HATED that I was sooo exhausted I couldn't lift my arms to hug my husband. I HATED the hunger pains, the monitors, the sugar checks. EVERYTHING. I was soooo upset and felt completely useless and like the biggest failure. I couldn't even birth my own son.... I couldn't even pee on my own....

My sister was calling all her doula friends included my child birth class instructor, and they all agreed, this baby was still posteror. They told me to swtich which side I was laying on every half hour... well... the nurses had been doing that all day, it hadn't done anything. I realized that even if I were able to get to 10 cm... I didn't have the strength to push. It was gone... I had never felt so weak (physically) in my life. I could barely turn my head. I hadn't eaten anything for over 12 hours, and it was only a few bites then. I had been in labor for 23 hours, and hadn't gotten any real sleep in 36 hours. I knew it was over. My dr. came in and pushed pushed pushed me to get a c-section. She told me my labor was extremely abnormal (BULLSHIT) and that normally she wouldn't let a person stall for more than two hours (I feel horrible for her patients). I sent her out and told her to come back in a half hour. I had the nurse check me because I didn't trust my dr that I was still only at 6. She agreed I was still at 6. Through many tears, I made the agonizing decision to have a c-section. I made the decision at 8:40, by 9pm I was in the OR.

They wouldn't let both DH and my sister in, even after lots of arguing, and me crying. So I had to make the heart-wrenching decision to have DH go with baby once he was born. As we would be separated when I went to the recovery room. I would be alone as they finished sitting me up, and in the recovery room for 20 minutes minmum. This scared me... a lot.

It was so weird to see DH all dressed in blue, but he remembered how important it was to me that we get a picture of the baby immediately after birth and he had his camera with him. They upped the epidermal and poked my belly till I couldn't feel it anymore. Very very soon they said "here comes the baby" and I felt a wierd pulling and heard a cry. I was crying so hard... the showed me a little red body with a tuff of hair on the top of his head for a minute then took him away. He cried and cried then all the sudden I heard DH talk to him and boom... silence. It was amazing. My son heard his daddy's voice and was quieted by it. A few minutes later they brought him over by my head and I just kissed his forehead. I was upset he was bundled in a blanket and I couldn't see all of him. But I was so happy to touch him. I just put my head by his a cried for a minute. I knew they were pushing DH to leave the room with the baby, so I let them go.

I was alone... alone with a much of stupid drs. Amazingly the the man who I didn't like earlier in the day was who got me through it. He told me how things were going, and kept telling me that they were almost done. I laid there half asleep smiling and crying at the same time. I knew there was nothing I could do to speed things up so I just relaxed knowing my long hard work was over and I would soon be enjoying my son. Soon they were wheeling me to the recovery room where I very anxiously watched the clock for the 20 minutes to pass. I talked the nurses head off and constantly asked for the baby. Every time the door opened I got excited... it took 5 extra minutes but soon enough my baby was in my arms. I ripped his blanket off and put him on my chest. It had been 45 minutes since he had been born so he was VERY READY to nurse. It was now 10:10pm. I was nearly midnight before we were settled in the recovery room and the grandparents got to come in and see our baby.

Its really hard for me to look back and think about my birth experience, because it just didn't go at all how I imagined. There are times I look at my son and wonder how he got out of me because I never really felt it... there is a strange feeling that I feel like wouldn't be there if he had been born vaginally. I'm so upset with the dr. that ended up delivering that I avoid speaking to her at all costs. At my 2 week follow up I didn't ask her if he had been posterior, I still doubt she would have be truthful anyway. I have no trust for that woman and I'm absolutely dreading my 6 week follow up where they are going to do a pap. She gave me the most horrible exam around 36 weeks. After that I made sure I didn't have a single appointment with her. She doesn't have any compassion. She was VERY VERY nasty to my sister during my labor as my sister was trying to help me avoid a c-section. I didn't even like bringing my son into the same room as her during my 2 week appointment.

Today I saw some birth show on TLC and had to turn it off becuase I was so upset by the fact that the women on the show was having a natural birth and it was working. Why didn't mine work??? It drives me crazy that I did everything right and it didn't work.

Oh yeah.. and my baby was 7lbs 9oz and 21inches at 40+1 with perfect blood glucose. HA! I really want to rub that in all the faces of the people who told me I was going to have a big GD baby.

My baby is perfect. He's amazing and I love him more that I could imagine, but I'm still dealing with the fact that my labor was crazy and went nothing like I expected. I sat at 6cm for 10 or so hours, having contractions the entire time..... just not sure how to deal with the disappointment.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this whole thing.

- Mom to Baby Mark (9/18/10) and 4 wonderful dogs!
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#2 of 7 Old 10-08-2010, 09:40 PM
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Awww, congratulations on the birth of your baby! I am so sorry you had to have such a difficult birth experience.
Regarding the doctor you hate- I would say just don't go back to her if you can. Is there a different doctor you could see?

I also had one when I was expecting a natural birth, and things just did not go as I had hoped either.

I hope you find healing about it.
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#3 of 7 Old 10-08-2010, 09:46 PM
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So sorry you didn't have the birth you wanted.

You have every right to mourn and grieve for the loss of your natural birth. It sounds like you fought hard and lost. I hope time will ease your pain and bring you peace.

CD'ing, homebirthing, milk making school teacher. Supporting my family on my income and trying to get out of debt in 2013!
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#4 of 7 Old 10-08-2010, 11:15 PM
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I am so sorry your birth did not go as planned. I know how that feels. I had a long natural labor, that also ended in a c section that devestated me. Sometimes you can do everything right, and things still don't go the way we had hoped. I hope in time you can heal, and in the meantime, try not to be to hard on yourself.

Maria, wife to DH, mama to DS 09/2007, #2 12/2010 and hoping for a
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#5 of 7 Old 10-11-2010, 03:25 PM
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this is the first birth story i have read since i was robbed of my natural home/WB on 9.7.10.

it made me cry because i completely relate to what you are feeling and saying.

my daughter is amazing and i know that fate stepped in and took over when i was 42+4 and labored naturally (in the hospital) for 28 hours - she had severe meconium aspiration and kept d-celling in me (while i was at 10 and had been pushing for 2 hours) - they talked me into the c-section- we spent 30 days in the NICU - we are now home.

i think all these things happen for a reason and we just can't keep going back and doubting/saying 'what if'...
this is what happened and now we must move on and work to keep healing- by talking about it, by writing about it, by crying about it...
it will get better. we will be okay.

i hope this helped you- i really appreciate you writing it, it may give me the strength to really do the same.

love and positive thoughts-
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#6 of 7 Old 10-11-2010, 07:19 PM
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I am sorry for your experience. I had a similar experience that actually got worse.

I had a c-section after a planned home birth. My baby was also posterior the whole time. I was a day with on-and-off contractions then 45 hours with very intense, very painful, contractions on top of each other (just seconds between when one would end and another would begin for the 45 hours). After all that, I was so exhausted, sleep deprived, and hungry I was pretty much delirious and they couldn’t get any of the drugs to work for the c-section. I was getting sick on small sips of water days before my daughter was born so it was actually closer to 60+ hours without food or sleep. I had an epidural after 30 hours of the hard labor when I got to the hospital that only sort of worked (they took it out and tried to reposition but it still wasn’t 100%) and it quickly wore off, they tried to top it off (which didn’t work at all), they tried to give me a spinal block for the c-section (which didn’t work either) and they ended up having to put me under general. They didn’t allow my husband in because of the GA, and I was unconscious (obviously) – so neither of us were present for our daughter’s birth. The surgeon ended up cutting too far and nicking a blood vessel so I had a major hemorrhage. (the ob at the hospital also took off after the c-section without talking to my husband who was left standing outside the OR and never allowed to come in and saw a blood transfusion brought into the room then taken out without any explanation) After the 3 days of labor, c-section, and hemorrhage, it was just too much for my body for my milk to come in quick enough for my (very angry) baby and I was unable to nurse…

Not quite the experience I was looking for, but my daughter is beautiful, healthy, and happy now and I am recovered.
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#7 of 7 Old 10-22-2010, 01:12 AM
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I am so sorry.

I also had a long, natural, difficult posterior labor that ended in a tearful decision to have a c-section. It suuuucks.

I have found healing through attending ICAN meetings and telling my birth story over and over again to women who have BTDT.

Give yourself time and space to mourn and work through your emotions. It's a heavy load.

coolshine.gif Mama to DS ('06), DD ('08), and DD (9.18.11).

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