I spoke with a person who is doing a study about birth trauma & online support. It was a lovely conversation and lasted almost an hour.
It brought up many feelings that I thought I had jumped over & through. I ended up writing a letter to my care provider. I cried through most of it-but I feel better. I don't feel that I can actually mail the letter to her, but acknowledging my own feelings about my birthing experience makes me feel stronger. Like I am getting my voice back from my heart being broken a million times over.
I have alot of regrets and wish I could turn back time a bit. I wouldn't have lost my voice during his birth and I should have stood my ground more. The letter helped me see that I didn't do anything wrong and that my body isn't broken. It was laboring like it should have and trying to birth my son. I wasn't failing.
It just makes it nice to see my pain in writing. It is a different perspective I haven't seen before.
I'm glad to hear you had that opportunity...both to speak with someone in depth about your experience, and to write that letter. It sounds like healing stuff And yeah, healing takes time--12yrs later, I still find myself at times swamped by 'those feelings'. But I can say that it happens less and less as time passes, and is shorter-lived each time...I don't have to live there anymore!
I hope you'll consider sending your letter to your care provider. Either just 'as-is', or edited later, when you're up to it. Drs and midwives (and nurses and anasthesiologists...) need to hear this from us--to know how they affected us.
I'm glad you're feeling much better! I COMPLETELY understand what you mean, i'm still battling my own issues of regret too. I agree with MsBlack, you should send the letter in... Your provider will be thankful to know how he/she was able to help you!
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