four years ago today it all started, and a stab through the heart - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 04-20-2011, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Four years ago tomorrow before the sun had even risen I went into labor with #3. Two days later just before 11pm I gave birth to her in a hospital room full of angry faces, harsh words, and a bullying doctor and midwife after a hospital transfer from what would have been the homebirth of my dreams. The next morning my midwife called to tell me it was my fault, that had failed, that I had wanted to stall, that I set out to be the failure I was. 

 

And today four years later with Lamictal and Zoloft in my system that I have to take every single night or I can't get out of bed, want to die, can't control my anger... I sign onto to Facebook to see images of the Pampers comercial all over my wall. You know, it's great! Pampers includes a home water birth in their commercial and that is just fantastic! Really! And I can't blame people for celebrating that. But I feel like I have been stabbed through the heart. I can't blame anyone. I'm not blaming anyone. I'm certainly not mad at anyone. But I'm angry. And I'm shaking. And I'm holding back sobbing. 

 

You failed. You set out to fail. You're a failure. I'm a failure. I'm a failure. I'm a failure. 

 

That's what I keep hearing. And I want to vomit. 

 

I remember the pain. The endless pain that ripped through me. I remember hearing someone screaming in agony and then realizing it was me. I remember my husband being unwilling to comfort me and being silent when I turned to him after that godawful phone call. "Do you know what she said to me? She said I failed, that I set out to fail!" and I laughed and he turned away from me and said nothing. I didn't understand "deafening silence" until that moment. His silence hurt me more than if he would have gotten up and hit me across the face. I'm so glad for that woman in the Pampers comercial with a caring family and a caring attendant. Really! I promise I am! But my heart hurts so much right now. 

 

I was doing so good! I thought this year would be the year I didn't have a meltdown, I didn't revisit it all. I didn't even connect the fact that I haven't been able to sleep the past few nights, that whenever I close my eyes I have nightmares of being violated. It just now dawned on me what that has been. I cuddled with daughter #3 today and I felt like I was mourning and I tried not to. I just kept looking at her and smiling. Nothing's wrong, my love! Nothing to see here! 

 

She's so excited for her birthday. She can't wait. 

 

I remember being excited for her birthday, too. I remember all of the hopes and the planning. But now it's "Olive's birth". That's what I talk about in therapy and still yell at my husband over and still hate myself for. "Olive's birth". It makes me want to scratch into my flesh and scream and hide myself out of shame. Don't look at me. Don't look at the failure sprawled out and naked crying and bleeding and so scared. Don't look at me failing. Don't look at my shameful behavior. 

 

But really I am so happy for those who have successful and happy births at home or otherwise. Really! I'm not trying to be a natural-birth naysayer. I still support it, I really do! I just can't see it anymore. How sad is that? Even a comercial does this to me. 


Maggie, blissfully married mama of 5 little ladies on my own little path. homeschool.gif gd.gifRainbow.gif
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#2 of 12 Old 04-20-2011, 04:59 PM
 
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Sweetheart.

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#3 of 12 Old 04-20-2011, 08:46 PM
 
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Oh honey, I am so, so, so sorry you had such horrible birth trauma.  You deserve support.  You need to seep support.  Please.

 

 

And how HORRIBLE of your midwife to call and say that to you.  Shameful.


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#4 of 12 Old 04-20-2011, 09:01 PM
 
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I'm truly sorry that you are hurting so deeply.

I can't beleive that a midwife or any HCP would say such things to anyone, much less a new mother.

I think what you wrote is good for you. I think that you need to continue to speak out your hurt and anger of your birth.

Do you think it would help to write a letter to your midwife about your pain over this?

I pray that you are able to heal.


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#5 of 12 Old 04-20-2011, 09:28 PM
 
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I am so sorry.  


SAHM to Chloe«- 6/2008 (10 lbs, 5 oz), Hannah- 9/2010 (9 lbs, 12 oz), Liam- 2/2013 (9 lbs, 6 oz)

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#6 of 12 Old 04-21-2011, 10:10 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you are struggling with this.  Have you come at it from a different angle - have you thought "well, okay, so what if you can blame this on the mom...  I didn't have the homebirth of my dreams...  I found out my midwife was a real a$$...  My partner struggles to support me emotionally through this...  My beautiful daughter is here even after a horrible, dramatic birth and I survived, too, even with many scars...  Do I want this to drag on me for the rest of my life or am I ready to call it what it is, accept it's weight and learn to thrive even having to carry it around???  Even if this is my fault I'm choosing to move forward.  Blame will get me no where but where I've been, my anger at my midwife will not hurt me for the rest of my life and I'm going to try a new point of view."

 

I am in no way saying just get over it.  That doesn't work and if it were that easy then there wouldn't be a need for this forum.  But, having been through a traumatic birth that resulted in the loss of my perfect son I can tell you I understand your anger at your midwife.  My discussion with my counselor was different in that she explained as I moved toward the second anniversary of my son's death last year I was having to let go of the "new grieving parent" role and time was forcing me farther and farther away from the memories of my son and pregnancy.  Society would view me differently as each day passed and I had to figure out where I wanted myself to be.

 

It's been tough.  The third anniversary of his birth and death will be coming this summer.  I can already feel it and I'm sad and angry all over again.  I understand when you say you look at your daughter and mourn.  My daughter was born 11 months after my son's death and she is a constant reminder of all of the stages we missed with him.  They also favor so much there are times that looking at her brings my grief right to the surface.  But, as you say, I will not let her see that - it is not her burden. 

 

I wish you the best as you work through all of this.  And, I wish you a peaceful and happy celebration of her birthday and the memories and anger of the birth fade quickly.

 

 

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#7 of 12 Old 04-21-2011, 06:30 PM
 
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You did not fail.

You are not a failure.

I had a traumatic, emergency, c-section after 24 hours of labour. Would you call me a failure? I highly doubt it. I don't know you but I imagine you would be comforting and supportive. You would show me grace because of the situation that I was in. Please show yourself that same grace. You deserve it.

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#8 of 12 Old 04-27-2011, 03:22 PM
 
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I am so sorry that you have had such a traumatic experience.  And how dare your midwife say that to you!  It is not your fault.  I hope that you are able to get the support and help you need to work through this experience.  Hugs to you.

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#9 of 12 Old 05-13-2011, 05:53 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you are hurting.  What an awful thing your mw said to you.  Just awful.  And not true, either.  Try to be gentle with yourself.  hug2.gif


ariana, mama to beautiful redheaded girls (oct 07) and (nov 10)

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#10 of 12 Old 05-15-2011, 07:46 PM
 
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It sounds like your midwife felt like she had failed and was projecting her shame onto you because her pride couldn't handle it.  "I'm such a great midwife that if one of my clients transfers that's clearly her fault and has absolutely nothing to do with my care." irked.gif  Yeah, right.  It's really no one's "fault", it's just how it all played out, probably for several different reasons.  Whenever I've been through something that brings me shame, I look at the situation from every angle possible, inevitably reaching the point where there's no way to unload the blame on any one person or thing...try it for yourself, if you like, and see if that rings true for as well. hug2.gif

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#11 of 12 Old 05-25-2011, 05:38 PM
 
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You are NOT a failure. That midwife is full of it...wow.

 

I know what you mean about hearing amazing homebirth stories and seeing women glow when they talk about theirs. I was supposed to have a waterbirth at home, but we had to transfer (very long story) and I ended up with a cesarean. We are happy for all of those women, but at the same time I just want to scream "it's not fair". 


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#12 of 12 Old 06-01-2011, 10:01 AM
 
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I cannot believe how women suffer from the cruelty of medical personnel.  Just today I was crying my heart out in the car at the thought of last July 11, the thought of my guts getting ripped out, reliving a sexual assault because the hospital (where I wasn't supposed to be) refused to find me a female doctor and my midwife didn't care to help.  Nobody had to call me a failure for me to feel like one--my stupid body didn't know enough to even go into labor after the membranes ruptured.  I was angry they wouldn't acknowledge my status as a dud.  It was all gushy, "Oh, you did so well... you were so brave..." b******t.  I wanted to tell them to leave me alone to die of grief.  If I had money to burn, I would have presented that hospital with a fancy new sign to put over their door, with an appropriate quote from Dante: "Through me the way to the Suffering City.  Through me the way to eternal pain.  Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."  I am angry for myself, and I am angry for you, and for all who endure this.

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