I am still in so much emotional pain. I feel the need to find justice by filing a complaint with the state. I already knew from other people as well as from past experience that the state never holds any doctor accountable. Doctors are holy gods who can do no wrong. But I still feel like I need to complain to the state and hope there will be an exception.
Instead, without the state even investigating what happened, they sent me a letter back denying any wrongdoing on behalf of the doctor and saying it was my fault. The doctor simply claimed she never told me to jump off a bridge and that I was the one who was abusive to her and that she tried to convince me to go in. SO, the state takes that as fact, even though it was my story against hers. I, at least, had evidence and they did not even look at it. They just chose to believe her, without questioning either one of us, without speaking to witnesses, without looking at the medical records.
So, I am sending in an appeal saying she was the abusive one, and I have witnesses. I also pointed out that I did in fact go in to the hospital and even had the baby that same day, just by a different doctor from a different practice. I also have to file an appeal against the main vbac doctor. He said he was excused from charges because he was not on call that weekend. However, I have witness to him saying his other doctors will not take his vbac patients (except one) so he will have to come in when I go in to labor. I have multiple witnesses that he told us that he put me on a list for him to be called directly if I came in. I think that obligates him to have come in even though he was not on call. Leaving someone on call who you know will not take your patients is not the same as leaving someone on call who will take your patients. His staff told me he knew I was in labor and chose not to call me back and left me in that condition with no medical care.
So, I just cry and cry and cry. I hate it. I hate how I have been abused by these two. I hate that certain people are such zealots about these evil doctors that they sent me nasty emails about him, started a prayer chain to support him against me in my complaint against the state, and a couple who were on my facebook put me on block (like the Doula I almost hired until I saw her contract. She was not willing to do the work most Doula's do, it said she would meet with me one time prior to the birth and then for the birth, she would meet me at the hospital. I could not see feeling supported by someone I met once before in a quicky meeting. How was she to know how to support me if she did not know me at all or if we were not on the same page at all as far as childbirth prep goes or anything? How would she even recognize me as the patient who hired her when she showed up at the hospital if this is how she would handle it? How was she going to be any different from any other nurse at the hospital if she only meets me once prior to the birth like that?) I never even got the chance to talk to her and ask if the contract was correct or if perhaps she sent me the wrong thing because I did not think doula's worked like that.
Anyway, the point is, I am miserable and wish I did not have to feel this way. This whole pregnancy was rotten and traumatic because of the horrible nasty OB and my inability to get any support. I was stupidly in an ICAN group where if I tried to say at all that I was having troubles, I was quickly shut down and told how wonderful the OB was and if I was having troubles, it was just me. Only..it was not. And I almost died because I allowed myself to be manipulated by that "support" group.
I don't have any advice here either. Here you can't even sue. All medical people stick together like glue. Does not matter if it is right or wrong, truth or lie. It's worse than superglue. Just sending more hugs. It takes forever to get over it. I think. It's a never ending process. I don't think one will ever be 100% again. But you will get BETTER. Little by little. And you will be different. Profound events affect you profoundly. Sounds cliche, but how could it be otherwise? Your reactions - the anger, frustration, hurt, pain.... are a NATURAL, NORMAL reaction to an angry, frustrating, painful event.
*hugs* I'm so sorry about your experience. I'm sorry I don't have advice either but you aren't alone. I too, sent letters to the state about the OB and the nurse attending me. Apparently, the state didn't see any wrong doing by either of them and my case was closed. As far as ICAN, I've been part of my chapter for 4 years now, that's a real shame they aren't truly listening to you. Even though no one there has the same scar as I do or had to deal with a physically abusive nurse, they do empathize that my experience was a traumatic one. Everyone deserves to vent and be heard.
I agree with Alison's entire post. My traumatic birth was almost 5 years ago and despite everything I've tried to heal, the hospital will never have all my trust again. That's just a part of who I am now. The journey to healing is different for everyone, what happened was not your fault and you will get there.
3 boys 11, 9 and 4 and a half, DH married for 10 years, #4 due 08/31/2012