I am not a BTDT mama, and I hope I won't be, either (currently pg with my 4th!)
But I am a BFW childbirth teacher and have some experience helping mamas process birth trauma.
I think what I would say to you is that it's okay to process what happened a little bit at a time. And that how you feel about it will change over time. I'm sure you know that, having previous experience with birth trauma. But it doesn't hurt to be reminded.
Here as mama to W (2/04), R (5/06), D (7/09), and J (12/9/12!), co-parenting with my DH
I WOH part-time, am a doula & childbirth educator, home/unschool, and hope we are nearing the center of chaos
I have BTDT and it was my fourth labour as well. It did take me a while to process it and much of it still does remain a blur. I am so sorry that your little guy did not have as gentle of an entry as you would have wanted. Your midwife did what she believed to be necessary to help him out. It sounds like you did great! You body did what it had to do to get him out just in time. If you had not laboured so quickly the outcome could have ended much worse.
For me personally, over sometime I have accepted that labour as "the traumatic one" that I never want to experience again. I was able to do this by grieving and getting over the experience that I thought I would have and shifting all my focus to the baby that was the blessing that I had as a result of said trauma.
It's very, very scary when a baby doesn't respond right away. My second twin was like that, they yanked her out with a vacuum, ran her to the NICU, and thank goodness also after 5 minutes she was fine. But dh followed and was quite traumatized by it.
Thankfully today she is a happy, healthy, 8.5 year old.
Just wanted to send you some words of encouragement so you know you are not alone in the feeling.
Three big girls (10) + (almost 9!);
One little boy (6) and a full on toddler (8/12) born with TAPVR (repaired at 6 days old).
That sounds so scary, I'm sorry that you went through that. I understand how much you wanted a peaceful gentle birth for this being your last birth, and how hard it's been because it wasn't. My heart goes out to you.
How are you doing since you last posted?
I had a baby with a true knot in 2010. She was fine immediately, but reading your story i felt some of that retrospective "what could have happened" emotion.
I'm sorry it was so traumatic for you, i found it took a number of weeks for me to find perspective on what had happened and what could have. But now she's 2, i'm expecting another, and i've read everything there is to read on cord "problems" (some of which are serious problems and some of which are just feared but not really fearsome if that makes sense).
I think my daughter's personality and birth are linked, and the older she is and the more i know her the more i feel that the cord knot was so "of her" and i don't feel so bad about it anymore. As he grows i bet you'll see more of your son who gave you that bad scare, and it will turn out to be a memory which, in the context of his being, feels more familiar, natural (to who he is) and less frightening and traumatic. I hope so.
Thanks, ladies. Definitely doing better now with more time having passed since the birth. Still think about it a lot and still mourning the final birth that I hoped for and so believed I could have. But the most important thing is that DS is here and safe and healthy, which is the most important thing in the end. I will forever wish that this birth had been peaceful and smooth and dreamy, as it was so close to being, but with the cord and the speed of the labor it just couldn't happen that way. I have just accepted that things happen how they happen for a reason...and count my blessings that he was not inside of me for another week with the cord around his neck, etc., etc. There could have been many other worse scenarios, so all in all I have to embrace this as a pretty good outcome!
livelovelaugh, I'm glad to hear that you are finding some peace and acceptance around what happened with the birth. It sounds like you have a really healthy perspective about it, but still, it's not to say that it is at all easy to do that... There is grieving process around these experiences, I believe. I've had a difficult time myself, and I feel that I can say similar things to what you have said about being grateful for having our LO safe and sound with us and finding a way to move on with time, and yet there are days still where it's on the mind a lot and some things come up and the heart feels especially tender. Big hugs to you!