Thanks in advance for any advice that is given.
2 years ago I planned a natural hospital delivery (yea, right...) at 41 weeks pregnant and after 3 days of labor I finally ended up in the hospital with a cascade of interventions that thankfully ended just before they prepped the surgery room. I had pitocin, an epidural, and finally a 3rd degree tear because I had vacuum assistance and the doctor couldn't fit the vacuum into the vaginal opening. After which I got little postpartum care, suffered severely from postpartum depression and struggled through the first weeks of having every breastfeeding problem in the book (inverted nipples, thrush, mastitis, bleeding nipples, poor latch, oversupply). All of this was after experiencing 2 mc, 1 at 5 weeks, 1 at 11 weeks (maintained because my OB put me on progesterone) and a D&C.
When my son turned 2 I reluctantly agreed to wean him as my husband had pushed far beyond our original goal/limit of 1 year. About the same time I found out I am pregnant again with a surprise baby.
Now, I've come to terms with the birth I had with my son. It happened, I've accepted it. My husband and I were going to start TTC in October and I was going to begin discussing birth options with him before that. Of course our surprise made us jump into the conversation much earlier. I made an appointment at our local birth center fully staffed with certified midwives and talked to him about the possibility of delivering at the hospital instead of at the birthing center since I know he would be more comfortable with it. (this is a different hospital from where I had my son and I have several friends who have had intervention free births there.) Today, he asked me to meet with an OB in addition to the midwife. Ostensibly he wants to compare care. He's as uncomfortable with the idea of a midwife as I am with a doctor. As soon as I made the OB appointment I had an anxiety attack. I just don't think I can go back to a doctor's office.
I'm terrified that I'm going to end up like I did with my son, immobile on a delivery table with 4 people leaning over me, exhausted as my child is ripped from my body.... is that extreme?
He knows how important this is, but he doesn't get my fear. How can I help him to see what I need?
goodness, after everything you went through i do not think it is the least bit extreme that you want to avoid an OB! have you met with your midwife yet? often they are able to help dads feel more comfortable with the idea of having a midwife.
i would find out specifically what your husband is worried about with a midwife and write down a list so that both you and the midwife can address it.
i know this is not really a popular viewpoint but it is your body, you have suffered enough with your first birth, this birth should be all about *your* comfort level, and not your husband's. yes, it is a baby you share with him, but your baby's life is not going to be at risk with a midwife.
personally i would not make an appointment with the OB.
anyway, sorry for that bit of a rant but i fully support you trying to get your husband on side of the midwife.
Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids.
That is so not an extreme reaction, OP. I would feel exactly the same way!
No doubt your partner wants what is best for you, even though that is at loggerheads with what you feel is best for your body and your baby. I agree with the previous poster about it being your body and your choice. But of course, I understand that you want to help him come to see your way of thinking rather than simply demanding that this is the way to go. Cooperation is much more peaceful. :)
What is his sense of your first birth experience? I know sometimes partners feel that the mothers of their children were "saved" by the very people that the mother feels traumatized them or didn't listen. Is his perception that the hospital staff helped to cause the problems, by their cascade of interventions, or that they "saved" you when things "went wrong"? If it is the latter, he may believe that the only way to avoid a scary situation again is to have you in an environment that handles crises.
Could a midwife help connect you to other couples who've had homebirths or birth center births to talk about what that's like? Maybe if your partner could hear about times when midwives have handled things, or when they've recognized that a transfer was truly needed, his concerns would be allayed.
Good luck with this, let us know how it's going.
"The Mothers are the brave ones." - Call the Midwife
mandib - Unfortunately I did schedule an OB visit. Maybe not unfortunately. I practically had an anxiety attack in the parking lot before we got there and I cried my eyes out when we left. We submitted to an ultrasound, which I didn't want having lost 2 pregnancies around this time and the doctor was concerned because the heartbeat was 4 beats per minute lower than she would like even though it was 16 beats per minute higher than "textbook" for 6 1/2 weeks. I think how everything went down at the doctor clued DH into how I'm feeling.
Pataria - DH doesn't see our son's birth as traumatic. He doesn't see the connection between the first intervention and the vacuum delivery and the vacuum delivery and the problems our son had breathing after he was born. He sees that our son had problems breathing, the doctors were there to fix it, and it was all good. He also was apparently clueless about my 8 months of post-partum depression after our son was born. (granted, I did try to hide it!)
I promise this guy is a great husband and father, we just apparently live in completely different worlds. But I think we are making some progress. We saw the OB on Tuesday and the midwife Wednesday. DH actually said on the way home Wednesday that it was my decision and he would try to deal with it no matter what I decided. I know he wants to go with the OB but every instinct in my body is saying that's a bad decision. Luckily, the midwife has the ability to do a hospital birth. As of today they aren't allowed to attend the birth as a care provider, but they are working on it and there's a chance they would be able to be in attendance when I deliver in March. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that because DH's biggest concern now is seeing a midwife throughout the pregnancy and being delivered by the collaborating doctor. (I'm not sure why he's concerned about this because we weren't delivered by my OB last time...)
After meeting with the midwife my decision was made. I figure a midwife at a hospital birth is an even compromise. I'm giving DH a few days to process everything before I tell him my decision. I guess it comes down to trust. The OB was great, she was very nice, very knowledgable. But her answer to "are you concerned about my previous 3rd degree tear and what can be done?" was "at least it wasn't a 4th degree, that's an automatic c-section." When the OB said things like that, and like "keep an open mind, if you need a c-section, you need it" it made me uncomfortable. She also wouldn't tell me her C-section rate for low-risk patients, she just said "it's low." Her c-section rate for all patients (including high-risk) is 30%. DH saw it as she would be making sure we were safe, I didn't. I trusted the midwife when she said "we (the midwives and collaborating doctors) will do everything we can to make sure that you get the birth you want while still making sure you are safe."
Again, trust, I just need DH to trust me to make the best decision for us. I think that's one where I feel the most comfortable and I'm not having a panic attack at every doctor's appointment.