I just delivered our fourth child via repeat planned c/s last week. Nursing has gone great but I am feeling myself slipping under this dark cloud. I don't want to start down the anti-depressant road. I've been here before and forgot how dark the world can be when slipping into one of these postpartum funks. I am supplementing with a great prenatal and extra calcium/mag. etc. The c/s was very family friendly and the baby was with me the whole time. My OB was very confident and stood by my side during my spinal and honored all of my wishes. The thing is that I no longer want to see him ever again. He delivered all of our kids through c/s. I feel very threatened by this man even though he is probably one of the area's best and most requested OBs! People often have nothing but good things to say about him. At the same time, I've been having nightmares of intruders, a lot of them involving strange men, and I have no history of known trauma that I can connect with this. I feel like my OB has delivered our babies and, with his ultra conventional approach toward women, is now about to embark down the road to pathologizing this body that just gave birth and feeds my newborn. I feel like it'll only be a matter of time before he's after my uterus and everything else. It's sick, but I feel as if my body is on loan from him. Something just feels very off at a gut level and I have not, nor do I want to schedule any post-partum visits with him or anyone else. I literally get anxiety over the thought of ever coming face to face with him again.
Thanks for listening. Any ideas as to what might be going on with me?
You know, there is a variant of post partum depression that is very much like obsessive compulsive disorder. Intrusive, repetitive thoughts/fears that don't correlate with reality. Like some women are afraid they are going to hurt their babies, when they would never actually do it.
If you are feeling so bad you are not wanting to get postpartum care (from your current OBGYN or any other), in my opinion, you should link up with a therapist. Meds don't have to happen. There are physical problems that can cause you to have symptoms of depression, too.
Wishing you the best!
At home amongst the redwoods with my husband and my son, born 7/5/11 Instant CNM, just add !
I just want to add that birth is such a personal and powerful experience, I think our culture really underestimates how painful it can be to have it as medicalized as it often becomes, even in situations where that may be the best decision. I've struggled with some similar feelings and although they were made much worse by postpartum depression, at the same time, it's ok to grieve the loss of control.
That said, you are suffering with excessive and damging thoughts that may need meds or therapy during this postpartum period. Does your doctor have female collegues or someone else who could access your records and see you instead if you explain your feelings? Even if it was just having someone else do the physical exam, that might make you feel so much better. I don't see why you would have to see him again if you are not ready but please do follow up with someone.