Holding onto anger from unplanned C-Section birth and tongue-tie that was undetected at birth - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 04-04-2014, 04:00 PM - Thread Starter
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Think I'm holding onto a lot of anger….I had to have a c-section rather than a natural birth as I expected…(need to let go of a lot of expectations, I'm learning!) Really angry that even though I had a c-section (and thank God it all went well and we were all healthy), they still could have followed some of my birth plan wishes, to have him breastfeed with me right away and still do skin to skin, but NO….they ripped him out of me in about 5 minutes, held him up and said "here's your baby" then whisked him off to clean him, cut the cord, etc…..all the things I didn't want them to do to my precious baby when he was born!! I was so out of it and in shock that he was here (2 weeks before his dues date) and that I just had major surgery so I didn't advocate for him or myself. My anger goes all around to the hospital and back to myself, not too healthy I know!
Also so angry and frustrated that the nurses and lactation consultants didn't catch my son's tongue-tie in the hospital!! So focused on flushing out his jaundice with the little breast milk I could pump out (they thought my supply was low, that it was an issue with me, but turned out later he wasn't able to get enough milk out with his tongue tie!!) and they started giving him formula too (which I REALLY did not want but they said was the only choice) so he wouldn't have to stay in the hospital on his own. I couldn't bear the thought of going home without him so we went along with all these undesirable options. And our DS did too, he was a great trooper, always did what was needed and he was just barely able to come home with us!!!!
They found his tongue-tie at a month old when his weight was pretty low. I had put off seeing a lactation nurse so that delayed things so I'm a bit angey at myself for that. And with insurance approvals and such, didn't get to have the procedure to fix his tongue until he was 2 months old!! I will never forget his innocent little eyes looking around at the harsh tools the nurse placed on the table beside him. He laid down without a fuss, had been good at dr. appointments until then. (and hard to forgive) myself and my husband for having to hold him down while the doctor took way longer to cut the tissue under his tongue, several minutes (we thought it would be one quick snip!) . And that cry will haunt me, though it did solve the feeding issues, it was still traumatizing for all of us.
SO…I just recently realized that this could be at the root of why I freak out when my son cries a lot, especially waking several times at night. I have all this anger and it transfers back to all those events. ESPECIALLY when he was first home and cried way too much and hard, most people and doctors said "oh, he's a newborn and they just do that". NO, he was so hungry poor guy, not getting enough milk from his mommy!!! :( SO now his cries are attached to that in my mind and heart. BReaks my heart!|
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#2 of 5 Old 04-04-2014, 04:52 PM
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I really don't know what to say bc I am still working through my birth anger from 12 yrs ago, but I just wanted to at least tell you that you are not alone.

Bring back the old MDC
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#3 of 5 Old 04-08-2014, 10:41 AM - Thread Starter
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Thanks, that means a lot. Sometimes the most simple words are the best :) It can be a trauma, so 12 years of holding onto it can be understandable. Though I am learning it can build up a lot of stress and come out in not so pretty ways and especially be taken out on those we love. 


Lately I am learning to be thankful….to really appreciate all that I have each day, each moment. It can become routine to let negative thoughts and anger overshadow the blessings and positive things in our daily lives. But once we are thankful, for the little things and big things, those positives can outweigh the negative thoughts and experiences. Even being thankful for the struggles…..they are where we grow, where we learn and connect, and sometimes where the greatest blessings come through to us!!


And as my mom, a woman of great faith and courage, would constantly tell me…..EVERYTHING always turns out fine. She's right, it does. My son is happy and healthy, as am I (when I'm not moody or exhausted LOL) and each day is a gift. I'm learning to be in the present moment, to be still and just be. :)

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#4 of 5 Old 04-10-2014, 07:43 PM
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I'm sorry about your negative birth experience: your anger is absolutely justified. I too had a C-Section (baby was breech and wasn't descending), and I too had to deal with an undetected posterior tongue-tie that complicated things beyond anything I would have imagined. I will never, ever forget having to deal with the post-surgical pain/exhaustion, with the early postpartum hormones, with the pain breastfeeding caused, with the fear that my daughter was losing weight,  and with the incredibly unhelpful hospital staff all at once. Again, I'm so sorry that you went through such trauma, and I fully relate to the feelings you express in your post. Being treated in such a way has caused me to retain a great deal of anger as well.


Now that you are two months postpartum, now that the breastfeeding issues have been resolved, and that you've had time to heal physically from surgery, it might be a good time to address your anger in the form of complaints to the hospital - have you thought about doing so? You mention that you had a birth plan that was entirely disregarded during the birth of your son; was this plan in writing, signed by your doctor? If so, you have a clear case to make in a complaint. You can also write more personal letters to your doctor and to the staff; even if they do not understand your concerns, you might be able to raise some awareness on their part. 


Hang right in there, fellow mama! You have done an amazing job so far - it's inspiring that you were able to keep up with breastfeeding so long with a tongue tie. Try to use that anger of yours to (diplomatically) help those doctors, nurses and lactation consultants find better ways to help other future mamas.

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#5 of 5 Old 04-15-2014, 10:03 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for your sweet and caring words! So appreciated and good to relate to someone else. Though I too am so sorry you had to experience what you did. Yep, it was so tough being hooked up to so many iv's in the hospital and trying to breastfeed, on top of recovering from the majjor surgery! So hard to hold my little angel to feed him in the first place (I refused any kind of pain meds, even motrin).


I'm actually 13 months postpartum (my son's tongue-tie was resolved when he was 2 months). And still breastfeeding. Definitely still dealing with the anger. I realize every time he cries, I get really upset at myself. Probably because when he was a newborn and first home, he cried so much and we couldn't calm him, couldn't figure out why. everyone said oh he's just a newborn and that's what they do. 


When his weight was really low the first week, our then pediatrician suggested I see a lactaction nurse. Well, I mistakenly thought I could handle breastfeeding on my own, it was the natural thing and I could wait and see how it goes for a bit. I month later I finally went to a lactation nurse and that's when she caught the tongue-tie. I am so angry at myself for not listening to the doc and going to the lactation right away, it was my fault he had to wait so long to find out what the problem was. And all those times of crying when he was hungry!! MY FAULT!!! So whenever he cries now, I mean really cried hard and usually when waking during the night (and throw in mommy's exhasution there too) if when I really get upset with myself. I take his cried personally, like whatever it is is my fault, I made him cry like that. Sometimes I do make him cry when I'm so tired and very cranky, not a happy mommy to him. But mostly he's teething, maybe hot or cold, had a bad dream, stuffy, you name it. Mostly he's trying so hard to communicate lately and super frustrated with it. All these things lead to the cry but I blame myself so much. Really need to let go of that and just be there for him, whatever he needs.


Writing to the hospital would be a good idea. It might resolve some things with my anger and channel it into an action where I would feel maybe it would be a wakeup call for them or help them or those they're caring for in a postive way. Also talking to other moms like you who have been through similar experiences. I have really allowed myself to be not too social with other moms for too long, it's very much needed. I appreciate the time you took to read my words and write your caring response. It's so great how much total strangers will come forward to help comfort someone.


Thank you!

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