Thanks, that means a lot. Sometimes the most simple words are the best :) It can be a trauma, so 12 years of holding onto it can be understandable. Though I am learning it can build up a lot of stress and come out in not so pretty ways and especially be taken out on those we love.
Lately I am learning to be thankful….to really appreciate all that I have each day, each moment. It can become routine to let negative thoughts and anger overshadow the blessings and positive things in our daily lives. But once we are thankful, for the little things and big things, those positives can outweigh the negative thoughts and experiences. Even being thankful for the struggles…..they are where we grow, where we learn and connect, and sometimes where the greatest blessings come through to us!!
And as my mom, a woman of great faith and courage, would constantly tell me…..EVERYTHING always turns out fine. She's right, it does. My son is happy and healthy, as am I (when I'm not moody or exhausted LOL) and each day is a gift. I'm learning to be in the present moment, to be still and just be. :)
I'm sorry about your negative birth experience: your anger is absolutely justified. I too had a C-Section (baby was breech and wasn't descending), and I too had to deal with an undetected posterior tongue-tie that complicated things beyond anything I would have imagined. I will never, ever forget having to deal with the post-surgical pain/exhaustion, with the early postpartum hormones, with the pain breastfeeding caused, with the fear that my daughter was losing weight, and with the incredibly unhelpful hospital staff all at once. Again, I'm so sorry that you went through such trauma, and I fully relate to the feelings you express in your post. Being treated in such a way has caused me to retain a great deal of anger as well.
Now that you are two months postpartum, now that the breastfeeding issues have been resolved, and that you've had time to heal physically from surgery, it might be a good time to address your anger in the form of complaints to the hospital - have you thought about doing so? You mention that you had a birth plan that was entirely disregarded during the birth of your son; was this plan in writing, signed by your doctor? If so, you have a clear case to make in a complaint. You can also write more personal letters to your doctor and to the staff; even if they do not understand your concerns, you might be able to raise some awareness on their part.
Hang right in there, fellow mama! You have done an amazing job so far - it's inspiring that you were able to keep up with breastfeeding so long with a tongue tie. Try to use that anger of yours to (diplomatically) help those doctors, nurses and lactation consultants find better ways to help other future mamas.
Thanks for your sweet and caring words! So appreciated and good to relate to someone else. Though I too am so sorry you had to experience what you did. Yep, it was so tough being hooked up to so many iv's in the hospital and trying to breastfeed, on top of recovering from the majjor surgery! So hard to hold my little angel to feed him in the first place (I refused any kind of pain meds, even motrin).
I'm actually 13 months postpartum (my son's tongue-tie was resolved when he was 2 months). And still breastfeeding. Definitely still dealing with the anger. I realize every time he cries, I get really upset at myself. Probably because when he was a newborn and first home, he cried so much and we couldn't calm him, couldn't figure out why. everyone said oh he's just a newborn and that's what they do.
When his weight was really low the first week, our then pediatrician suggested I see a lactaction nurse. Well, I mistakenly thought I could handle breastfeeding on my own, it was the natural thing and I could wait and see how it goes for a bit. I month later I finally went to a lactation nurse and that's when she caught the tongue-tie. I am so angry at myself for not listening to the doc and going to the lactation right away, it was my fault he had to wait so long to find out what the problem was. And all those times of crying when he was hungry!! MY FAULT!!! So whenever he cries now, I mean really cried hard and usually when waking during the night (and throw in mommy's exhasution there too) if when I really get upset with myself. I take his cried personally, like whatever it is is my fault, I made him cry like that. Sometimes I do make him cry when I'm so tired and very cranky, not a happy mommy to him. But mostly he's teething, maybe hot or cold, had a bad dream, stuffy, you name it. Mostly he's trying so hard to communicate lately and super frustrated with it. All these things lead to the cry but I blame myself so much. Really need to let go of that and just be there for him, whatever he needs.
Writing to the hospital would be a good idea. It might resolve some things with my anger and channel it into an action where I would feel maybe it would be a wakeup call for them or help them or those they're caring for in a postive way. Also talking to other moms like you who have been through similar experiences. I have really allowed myself to be not too social with other moms for too long, it's very much needed. I appreciate the time you took to read my words and write your caring response. It's so great how much total strangers will come forward to help comfort someone.