need urgent help with dealing with my fears - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 10-15-2014, 01:55 AM - Thread Starter
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need urgent help with dealing with my fears

I am 41 weeks pregnant with baby number 3.
My last birth (home birth), was traumatic to me.
Shoulder dystocia (baby over 11 pounds), baby transferred right away by ambulance to NICU, and remained there for 3 weeks (meconium aspiration syndrom, several days of intubation, then cpap...). He suffered a lot in those early days. Now he is a perfect 2 and a half year old.

This third pregnancy was not planned. I was scared of giving birth again even before this baby was conceived. I am not scared of pain, but scared to let the baby out. That the baby will get stuck, or end up in NICU again.

Baby number 1 also stayed 5 days in NICU (hospital birth)

Now I have GD on insuline, MW can not take me as a patient, i have an MD and I refused induction at 38 weeks.
10 days ago, my labor was starting, had good contractions, cramping, lost lots of mucus plug, dialated from 0 to 3 cm and effaced to 50%, and then I stopped. I am convinced it is because I was too afraid to let the baby being born.

Now, I have to deal with those fears to let the labor happen again. I tried writing them down, talking about them with DH and a good friend (she was with us at the last birth). I have a doula this time, I talked to her about it.

any advice?

I will go with the induction in few days, if I am still not able to go into labor spontaneously. But I am not even sure induction will work, since I have so many fears.
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#2 of 4 Old 10-15-2014, 08:31 AM
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This is sort of "un-Mothering" of me to say... But....

Don't blame yourself, or hold yourself so responsible for going into labor. You did not cause the shoulder dystocia, you did not cause the GD, and you are not going to cause a failed induction. Don't give yourself too much credit. You have done important work towards dealing with the trauma- talking with the doula and DH, and there will be others here with good suggestions for professional techniques that might help too, and it's good to do because you need and deserve it for your mental health.

You are a 3rd time mom at term with a very favorable cervix. You have every reason to think an induction will work. Yes, it would be nice to go into labor on your own, but there are many women on Mothering who can tell you all about how ready and welcoming they were for labor yet still needed an induction. You can always second guess the role your mind played in all this, but sometimes, it just works out different than the ideal.

I think we should do things like focus on our mental and physical health NOT because they guarantee good outcomes, but because they are good in and of themselves. Yes, it probably improves the chances of a good outcome, but statistics are meaningless to the individual, to a certain extent.

I have been at many many many births in various roles. Babies come out, easily or not, and sometimes we can "Monday morning quarterback" about why it went one way or another- blame a complication on the epidural, or the pit, or mom being uptight, or whatever. But mostly, it's impossible to pin down like that. And the truths that do become clear are pretty standard: Like, a 3rd time mom has a good chance at a successful induction. Babies with a shoulder dystocia need immediate high-level care (ie being in a hospital). Inductions can suck but women are strong.

There's no easy fix for the trauma you went through; it sounds awful and I'm so sorry you have to confront that in such a large way in the upcoming days. Whatever happens- you are a strong person and you will make the best choices at the time with the info you have, in the place where you are at mentally and physically, and that's all we can ever do.
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#3 of 4 Old 10-15-2014, 08:45 AM
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Ah yes....I have never gone into labor on my own, with the exception of my premature first baby-34 weeks NICU, and my 7th who I'm not convinced was in active labor when I was given pit because he seemed stressed-he came out eyebrow presentation and I pushed from 8cm to do so.

My homebirth was me having my water broken at 42 weeks so that I didn't need to be transferred. I get it.

I got wickedly tired of hearing that I needed to relax to go into labor. I got tired of the midwife telling me that if me and my husband would just "have some fun" and go on a date the baby would come. All bologna. She had preconceived notions that because we are an "organized large family" that we're uptight. I wanted nothing more than baby to come..and I wasn't scared.

We cannot control all things. My baby at 42 weeks was 10 lbs 9 oz, non GD. I don't know if 43 weeks is when he'd come naturally or 44, or if my body would hang on until the placenta didn't..all questions in my mind.

I have also had very difficult and traumatizing births. However, my 8th was absolutely my easiest birth and recovery that I've ever had. I had to be reminded I did just have a baby, because I felt so great..very light blood flow, no soreness, tearing..etc. He was 9 lbs 12 oz when I was induced at 39 weeks. The midwife I know didn't like my decision, but something in me told me he needed to come. When he was born he had a true knot, so I think that was my feeling inside. It affirmed I still do know my body, even if that means I need "help".

Try to remember this birth is separate from your previous won't necessarily have to experience trauma again. I know it must be scary to have the baby on the outside when outside has meant NICU for you.

I will be thinking of you, and hoping for a wonderful birth.

Blessed Christian Wife and Homeschooling Mother to 10 children.

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#4 of 4 Old 10-15-2014, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
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WOW, thank you so much for your responses! they are so helpful.

Ratchet: it is not the kind of response I was expecting, but it is probably exactly what I need to hear! I guess it is reassuring for me to have the illusion of control by giving myself too much credit.....

MyFillingQuiver: thank you for sharing your experience. It will help me get ready for induction. DS1was born at 40 weeks, DS2 at 39+2, so I didn't expect this one to stay in after 41 weeks. And then that ''false labor'' last week really made me think.

Both your posts made me feel better!
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Birth Trauma , fears , Nicu , shoulder dystocia

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