I've heard from many women that had traumatic first births- whether it be a homebirth transfer or a hospital birth intended to be natural that had a cascade of interventions... that having their next baby the way they wanted completely healed the first trauma.
in my case... I had a really traumatic disappointing homebirth to hospital transfer. I spend at least 2 hours a day thinking about it, processing it, going over scenes in my head and acting out how I would have done them differently, fantasizing, and I cry about it a couple times a week still and my daughter is just over a year old. my midwife also transferred to the hospital with her first baby and then had her second at home and it was healing. I know that I need that.... but I know it's also stupid to have a baby just for the birth. I even looked into surrogacy, but I couldn't do that- but that's how intense the feeling of wanting to re-do the birth is. I seriously wish there was a way I could go back in time and do it differently- because now I know EXACTLY what I needed (to be left completely alone and have the room dark)... it kills me how close I was to birthing my daughter when I transferred.... I was at +1/+2 station!!
but then of course having another baby doesn't guarantee a good experience. it could be another even more traumatizing experience because now I also know,, NOTHING in birth can be planned or is predictable.
I just want my homebirth so bad. It's really frustrating when people in NB community talk about their preparations for their birth and how they came to peace with whatever way the baby wanted to come and then they ended up having their perfect waterbirth anyway. I doubt they would say they are at peace with their birth if they did all that prep and had a c-section.
So.... I guess the question is- did you have another baby and hope that the birth would heal your first traumatic one?
did you get your intended birth experience?
did it heal you?
and.... if you are in my position and you've felt this way- have you been able to be healed in other ways? I do want to have 2 children, I always have, and I don't want to rush into the next one just because I have this burning desire to "fix" the experience of the first one.
in my case... I had a really traumatic disappointing homebirth to hospital transfer. I spend at least 2 hours a day thinking about it, processing it, going over scenes in my head and acting out how I would have done them differently, fantasizing, and I cry about it a couple times a week still and my daughter is just over a year old. my midwife also transferred to the hospital with her first baby and then had her second at home and it was healing. I know that I need that.... but I know it's also stupid to have a baby just for the birth. I even looked into surrogacy, but I couldn't do that- but that's how intense the feeling of wanting to re-do the birth is. I seriously wish there was a way I could go back in time and do it differently- because now I know EXACTLY what I needed (to be left completely alone and have the room dark)... it kills me how close I was to birthing my daughter when I transferred.... I was at +1/+2 station!!
but then of course having another baby doesn't guarantee a good experience. it could be another even more traumatizing experience because now I also know,, NOTHING in birth can be planned or is predictable.
I just want my homebirth so bad. It's really frustrating when people in NB community talk about their preparations for their birth and how they came to peace with whatever way the baby wanted to come and then they ended up having their perfect waterbirth anyway. I doubt they would say they are at peace with their birth if they did all that prep and had a c-section.
So.... I guess the question is- did you have another baby and hope that the birth would heal your first traumatic one?
did you get your intended birth experience?
did it heal you?
and.... if you are in my position and you've felt this way- have you been able to be healed in other ways? I do want to have 2 children, I always have, and I don't want to rush into the next one just because I have this burning desire to "fix" the experience of the first one.