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Did your next birth heal your traumatic one?

2K views 9 replies 5 participants last post by  cyclamen 
#1 ·
I've heard from many women that had traumatic first births- whether it be a homebirth transfer or a hospital birth intended to be natural that had a cascade of interventions... that having their next baby the way they wanted completely healed the first trauma.

in my case... I had a really traumatic disappointing homebirth to hospital transfer. I spend at least 2 hours a day thinking about it, processing it, going over scenes in my head and acting out how I would have done them differently, fantasizing, and I cry about it a couple times a week still and my daughter is just over a year old. my midwife also transferred to the hospital with her first baby and then had her second at home and it was healing. I know that I need that.... but I know it's also stupid to have a baby just for the birth. I even looked into surrogacy, but I couldn't do that- but that's how intense the feeling of wanting to re-do the birth is. I seriously wish there was a way I could go back in time and do it differently- because now I know EXACTLY what I needed (to be left completely alone and have the room dark)... it kills me how close I was to birthing my daughter when I transferred.... I was at +1/+2 station!!

but then of course having another baby doesn't guarantee a good experience. it could be another even more traumatizing experience because now I also know,, NOTHING in birth can be planned or is predictable.

I just want my homebirth so bad. It's really frustrating when people in NB community talk about their preparations for their birth and how they came to peace with whatever way the baby wanted to come and then they ended up having their perfect waterbirth anyway. I doubt they would say they are at peace with their birth if they did all that prep and had a c-section.

So.... I guess the question is- did you have another baby and hope that the birth would heal your first traumatic one?

did you get your intended birth experience?

did it heal you?

and.... if you are in my position and you've felt this way- have you been able to be healed in other ways? I do want to have 2 children, I always have, and I don't want to rush into the next one just because I have this burning desire to "fix" the experience of the first one.
 
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#2 ·
I had a traumatic, unplanned, essentially unassisted birth (supportive care afterwards, too little, too late) and it ended in the death of my second child. I got pregnant again right away. The pregnancy was difficult, and I had a hard time feeling connected to my son. I did not make plans for his birth. I trusted I would be able to connect with him once I saw him, and I had the singular goal of getting to the hospital and then having whatever interventions were necessary in order to give him the best shot at life possible. I could not even bring myself to plan for him to live. In the end he tolerated labor well and I was able to bring him home. It took me many months after that to really believe he would live. (Eventually I did come to believe that and he and I are very connected now.)

I felt that most of my healing came not from the "do over" of his birth, but from remembering my daughter, celebrating her life, finding a new way to be her mother, and learning a new way to be a mother to my living children. I began to develop a new identity for myself, and I went back to school in a field I am passionate about. I took SSRIs, and met with a counselor who encouraged me to go back and talk to the ambulance company and the hospital in order to get answers to my many questions. I did a lot of creative work, writing, making a video, painting and drawing, and communicating with other families who had lost a child. These things helped me to let go, to say good bye to the dream of my daughter's life that I wanted, and to accept the reality of our relationship - that she was dead. In the beginning I spent most of my day crying and thinking about her, about her birth, about what I should have done. That went on for about a year and gradually got better. Now I think of her mostly with fondness, occasionally with sadness. When I think of her birth I no longer fixate on what I should have done. I know there are things that could have saved her, but I also understand that those things were beyond my control.

I think having children is wonderful, but you point out correctly that it's a great gamble to have another baby as a way of healing, because you do not know what you will get. It is possible to find peace with our experiences but it does just take time. Time and work. Honestly I was super into the whole natural childbirth thing until I had my second. Then I just dumped all the expectations. It's too much riding on things that can't be controlled. Forget the people who say they were at peace with it all and had easy births. They were lucky, nothing more.
 
#3 ·
Cyclamen, I'm so sorry for your lost. Your write about your daughter with such grace.




I had my second child for many reasons, and one of them was wanting the birth experience that I had planned but didn't get to have with my first. (Many things went wrong with my first birth. She has special needs that may be linked to lack of oxygen at birth).

My second birth was also traumatic, but in different ways, and it ended in a way that left any future pregnancies so high risk that I would most likely be required to be hospitalized for months of pregnancy.

I had a very, very hard time emotionally dealing with it. So much that I had trouble connecting with my baby, who was perfectly healthy, because I was busy grieving my birth experience. I ended up with PPD, and spent time in therapy. It took me a very long time to make peace with her birth.

She's 16 now and totally amazing, and I've been over her birth for a very long time. It happened gradually. Eventually I got so busy being in the present with her that I was able to let go of her birth. Also, watching friends struggle with infertility or have miscarriage after miscarriage put things in perspective for me. I'm very blessed, in spite of everything that happened. You only have to read the post above mine to know that. It doesn't matter how many interventions I had, or how badly the hospital handled things, or what the resident said during my unplanned c-section, or any of that. My daughter is here, and she is amazing, and the rest is just bullshit.

My advice is not have another baby until you find some measure of peace, so that if you next child arrives safely, you will be able to celebrate their entrance, even if they have to cut you open to get him or her out. Even if you baby has to stay in a NICU, or have surgery. There are real reasons why parents grieve, but requiring some medical care doesn't need to be one of them.

Looking back, I think that it is pathetic that I spent the first months of my daughter's life grieving. All the hype about natural birth sets women up for that, and looses sight on what matters.

I hate it when women brag about their easy births, as though they have done something right or made better choices. They got lucky, but some how think it makes them better mothers. If you have people like that in your circle, either speak to them if you think they can understand, or just avoid them. They really are poisonous.
 
#6 ·
My first birth was a very traumatic home to hospital transfer. I was drugged, starved, kept against my will, abused, and battered while at the hospital. I REFUSE to euphemize what they did or condone it in any way. The truth is that the history of hospitals abusing pregnant women is as long as the history of women giving birth in hospitals. That women nurses do it to women patients only shows how ingrained our views about the acceptablity of violence against women are.

Before having my first baby i knew i wanted a second. So even though i was PTSD from the hospital experience i started trying soon after. Eventually I got pregnant and dd was born 22 months after ds.

I did have a very healing unassisted second birth. It was ecstatic. The light was shining in, no one abused me or talked down to me. The baby was born and I touched her first and i held her when she cried and i cut her cord. I did what i knew my body could do and it felt beyond amazing. I am SO happy that it was unassisted. There was a midwife but she didn't arrive until the baby was almost 10 minutes old.

You can have a baby for any reason you want. You don't have to justify your reproductive choices to anyone but yourself. You can give birth in any way you want. You can make bad decisions if you want, including selfish decisions. It's your body. The government, the doctors, the nurses and midwives, none of them has ANY legitimate say over your body. It is your dominion and yours alone.
 
#7 ·
You certainly can make bad and selfish decisions if you want, but it's not a great plan.

When I got pregnant, I was hoping for a healing second birth after a long and traumatic first one. And I did feel healed by the end, but nothing went the way I'd been hoping or envisioning - I had an emergency c/s at 32 weeks due to dangerous hemorrhaging, and afterwards I was able to make peace with both birth experiences, I think because I finally let go of the idea that I controlled them.
 
#8 ·
I would like to add that i think everyone here who said that there is an element of luck is totally right. I don't think it makes sense to blame women who have traumatic births for not trying hard enough to birth "naturally", just like it doesn't make sense to be too congratulatory when women do have the ideal birth. At the same time, I think it would be an error to think that the element of chance can be removed, or even reduced, by giving birth in a hospital. There is always risk with birth, regardless of where you do it, and I believe women should birth wherever they are most comfortable.
 
#9 · (Edited)
pft. Ok, rephrasing this post to be less cranky. I don't agree that all choices are equal in safety. There are certain things we can do that manifestly increase the probability of survival for both mother and child. No one has to do those things. That's a choice, if you have it. Lot's of women don't.
 
#10 ·
One thing about trauma/ptsd is that it can really warp your perception of safety. Some things feel safe that aren't, and other things that feel dangerous aren't. That's why ptsd has such an impact on our day to day life.
 
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