No one told me about this trigger - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 3 Old 11-03-2015, 10:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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No one told me about this trigger

People talk about how the birthday of a child born violently can be triggering and traumatic - but I have not had this happen with my toddler's birthdays. It seems to me that his birthday is his day, and my trauma is elsewhere.

Well, I seem to have found the day where it resides. Today. Today is the gestational day when I went into labor with him and I can't stop thinking about it.

I feel out of control, depressed, on the verge of tears. I keep having flashbacks to my labor, to that spiraling, out of control, terrifying feeling of having black vultures flapping their wings all around my head and razoring me with their beaks.

And when the vultures were gone, my broken, bleeding body all alone, my baby elsewhere, isolated, fed by an anonymous nurse from a bottle. Like Chinese water torture, they would bring him to me and I would hold him, not knowing if I would have an hour, or two, sometimes three, before they would come and take him again. Not knowing if he would be gone for one, two, or five hours.

I don't know if it would be better or worse if there had been any actual medical problem with him or with me. Would I feel better, knowing that he needed life-saving procedures? Would I feel better, knowing that the hospital was the only way one or both of us would come out alive?

I don't know - maybe I would feel worse. All I know is how I feel, which is that I was beaten and lacerated and violated, and my baby taken from me, as a part of standard hospital practice when NOTHING at all was wrong. That, for me, is the most frightening part.

I can only hope it will be different this time, but again I am terrified to have people around me.

I just don't want anyone around me.

Has anyone else experienced this trigger, in subsequent pregnancies? I am really hoping that this day will pass, and the feelings would pass too. I had done so much work, good work. I didn't know it could come back so strong like this.
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#2 of 3 Old 11-17-2015, 10:55 AM
 
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Hugs @Coriolus

I'm relating a lot here. I have JUST (as of yesterday) begun hypnotherapy for birth trauma and it's a scary place to get jolted back into. I was not prepared to sit on a therapist's sofa and completely lose it just telling the most basic "this is what happened" version of my story before beginning. But the truth was bigger and harder than I ever thought. As I get closer to my due date I am feeling a stronger and stronger visceral reaction to the language of labour and feel like deep down my body wants to hold this baby in... I'm very hopeful that I can process pain in this state of heightened emotions of pregnancy and use birth to re-birth. Last night I recounted the scene of post-birth to my husband who had helped the terrified student midwife with the administration of first aid that slowed the bleeding and saved my life. He didn't know how serious things were, nor did I really but your body knows. On one level I was calm, below I was doing the dark arithmetic of a mind having a near death experience. Would these minutes be the only minutes my son would know me? How could I make him know they mattered?

I'm hoping to hear of birth healing stories and feel like this hard work of digging in and exposing a dark truth will mean peace at last.

Married my husband in 2007 & welcomed our first little boy in March 2013 and second boy in December 2015 | We are serial expats on our third international relocation. We are into slow food, organics, holistic health care, attachment parenting, child centred learning, traveling with children, home birth and breast feeding
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#3 of 3 Old 11-30-2016, 09:09 AM
 
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You'd be surprised how little people know about birth trauma. It's not common knowledge and some people get really shocked when i tell them it's a thing that affect a lot of woman.
It's not easy getting over it, but definitely possible. Good luck!
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