No one told me about this trigger
People talk about how the birthday of a child born violently can be triggering and traumatic - but I have not had this happen with my toddler's birthdays. It seems to me that his birthday is his day, and my trauma is elsewhere.
Well, I seem to have found the day where it resides. Today. Today is the gestational day when I went into labor with him and I can't stop thinking about it.
I feel out of control, depressed, on the verge of tears. I keep having flashbacks to my labor, to that spiraling, out of control, terrifying feeling of having black vultures flapping their wings all around my head and razoring me with their beaks.
And when the vultures were gone, my broken, bleeding body all alone, my baby elsewhere, isolated, fed by an anonymous nurse from a bottle. Like Chinese water torture, they would bring him to me and I would hold him, not knowing if I would have an hour, or two, sometimes three, before they would come and take him again. Not knowing if he would be gone for one, two, or five hours.
I don't know if it would be better or worse if there had been any actual medical problem with him or with me. Would I feel better, knowing that he needed life-saving procedures? Would I feel better, knowing that the hospital was the only way one or both of us would come out alive?
I don't know - maybe I would feel worse. All I know is how I feel, which is that I was beaten and lacerated and violated, and my baby taken from me, as a part of standard hospital practice when NOTHING at all was wrong. That, for me, is the most frightening part.
I can only hope it will be different this time, but again I am terrified to have people around me.
I just don't want anyone around me.
Has anyone else experienced this trigger, in subsequent pregnancies? I am really hoping that this day will pass, and the feelings would pass too. I had done so much work, good work. I didn't know it could come back so strong like this.