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#1 of 2 Old 05-02-2016, 09:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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what helped you?

Please tell me if you found a way to feel better after your traumatic experience. I am angry about everything.

Pregnancy itself is trauma for our whole family... severe hg (like ruptured vessels and throwing up blood by the handful), i barely crawl out of bed for months. I have guilt because my first son subsisted off of cereal for months and months, now he wont touch vegetables he used to love. I set my mind to a natural birth for my first, water broke a week late with meconium, induction, epi ensued... disappointing but ok. Second son, pregnancy awful awful, i was a spewing zombie the first 5 months and a crazy person the rest, tried to gouge out my husbands eyes several times. Baby in 3rd percentile, all kinds of dire warnings, i was certain he would die (hes healthy and beautiful). 41 weeks, water leaking but no contractions so i had my water broken and all hell breaks loose. I dilated 7 cms in 4 hours and turned into a shrieking wild animal. I was delirious with pain, throwing up, and made it to the bitter end where i demanded an epidural, his head was on an angle and not coming down. As they were putting the needle in i could feel him move down to push but it was too late. The delivery went well but i was flat on my back with an epidural headache for three days after that before i decided the excruciating pain couldnt be normal and went in for a blood patch, more needles in my spine... the whole thing was traumatic for myself and for my husband to see me in pain like that and then the disappointment and lack of joy during our first few days at home. We always wanted a larger family, but pregnancy and birth is extraordinarily stressful and painful for me. i cant subject my two children to a whole year of watching mom in a fog of puking and crying, not to mention now both natural and medicated childbirth terrify me. No other women in my family ever got sick and are very conventional and all had typical hospital births, they wouldnt understand. I am angry because i am the most positive and can do person i know and i feel the choice has been taken from me, i am so sad my wonderful children wont get to enjoy any other siblings and i never got to enjoy pregnancy...

So if you found a way to make peace with circumstanced beyond your control, id live to hear it. Thanks
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#2 of 2 Old 05-23-2016, 10:05 AM
 
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Talking, writing, and sharing helped

Hey there. I'm sorry to hear about the difficult time you're having with birth trauma memories. How are you doing now? I'm in a similar situation where it took me a long time to not get too down on myself for feeling resentful about my birth (and raising a colicky baby with some health issues). I was induced, and my son was vaccumed out after 7 hours of pushing. For several weeks, every time I closed my eyes I'd re-imagine that pain! We had a lot of fertility issues (IVF three times) so I expected myself to be happier when my son finally graced us in our lives. I was so ashamed for resenting him for the painful and slow recovery from 3rd degree tears. I feared being judged for having these feelings so I kept a lot of it to myself.

I know our stories and struggles are different. I'm still working through some of my feelings, but what I found (am finding) helpful is sharing how I feel with a few people I trust. The ones who have been most helpful so far are the ones who haven't judged me but just listened and told me I wasn't alone (and you're not alone in thinking those things). My postpartum doula was also good at reshifting my focus and reminding me that it's an adjustment period. I'll have good days and bad. I got help recovering from the physical pain and I see a family therapist who has put my resentment and challenges in context of how hard motherhood can be on women in our culture rather than telling me I shouldn't feel that way. I also write down my feelings a lot, and that has helped. Also, time and not getting too attached to the traumatic story I initially told myself about my birth and early months has helped too. I'm still working on it but it's much better.

Not sure if this is any comfort or use, though I hope it helps a tiny bit!
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