There is so much I want to say, but I honestly don't know where to begin....
Your fear of the next birth is so normal. But you did everything in your power to do what your heart wanted. And that includes listening to your baby and what her needs were. I understand the fear and pain clouding the reason or the end result: the baby! But it does happen, and you have to trust that you made the right decision for THIS baby. The fact that you had someone so horrible come and strip away your power, well...that her HER blame, NOT yours. You are the victim. You should feel no guilt. She should feel the guilt. You are blaming yourself for something that was not your fault.
For the next baby, don't change a thing. Give birth at home, fill up the tub of water (put on some coffee for the midwifes) and don't pack a bag. Don't lose your trust in yourself and your ability to give birth because someone took away your power. You will learn in time (as so many of us have) how to take that power back!! It is the saddest, scariest, most heartrenching thing in the world to have gone through what you did. And I am so so very sorry for the loss of your birth, and for the trauma to your body and soul. But you are still a strong powerful lactating and AMAZING woman, who absolutely knows KNOWS!!! how to give birth. You went through something so horrible, you were stripped of your powers in the most vunerable moment you will ever have, and you have the right to scream and cry and rant and rave as loud and for as long as you want to. But while you are doing that, don't forget that you still have your power. YOU, not the doctors, or the nurses, gave birth to that baby. You did it. Just like you were born to do.
I am so PROUD of you. And you can go on to tell other women about birth now. With conviction. With passion. With your whole entire being. For as low as they made you, you will rise up to be that much stronger. I am so so PROUD of you and I am so sorry for your loss.
wife - mother - midwife
The more you know, the worse it gets.