Dealing with the grief of a really bad birth experience. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 04:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello,

I am posting my birth story here. I am somewhat anxious about opening up this very intimate and horrible experience to a bunch of people that I don't know. But I think it is a part of the healing process for me. So here it is. Please be gentle in your responses. I still can't read this or talk about the birth without crying and it has been over 6 months now...



My baby was delivered at Community Medical Hospital on June 21st at 9:13 PM. I cringe when I hear women say “may baby was delivered” rather than “I gave birth to my baby” – but now I use the phrase intentionally. My baby was delivered. The loss of my peaceful, home, water birth is something I will be dealing with for some time.

Pre-labor started at around 4 AM on the 20th. I woke up with lower back pain and light contractions. I spent the day with my family. We went for a walk, ate some gelato, made final preparations for the birth and generally enjoyed the day. Around 5:00 PM we started timing the contractions. They were very irregular still – sometimes lasting over a minute and less than a minute apart, and sometimes lasting only 30 seconds and 2-3 minutes apart. Some contractions were really intense – others were like stronger Braxton Hicks contractions. Around 9PM both of our midwives came over. They suggested that I get in the water. I did, and shortly after the contractions became more regular. They got more intense around 2:00 AM. I labored in the birth tub, walked around the house, and took comfort in having Eric hold me. The midwives were sleeping at this point. I think they were trying to get me to sleep. This was actually annoying because there was no way I could sleep through the contractions. I remember feeling somewhat scared and alone and tried to get Eric to stay awake with me. I wanted him to get into the tub, but he was hesitant. Eventually he did get in for a few minutes. The contractions were really getting intense and I wanted to time it so that I was in the water for the contractions. I would get out to go to the bathroom or to cool off in between contractions. They were still ranging from between 1 minute apart to three without a regular pattern.

At 4:00 AM, my water broke. There was lots of meconium. This was the first sign that things were not going to go well. The midwives said that there was a lot of meconium and that it was thick. We had talked about what we would do if there was meconium and had decided that if it was thick, we would not have a water birth so that the baby could be suctioned while she was crowning. This was a hard thing to accept. I wanted my water birth and imagined giving birth on land to be much more painful. I had to really work to let go of this idea of not having water when pushing my baby out. At this point, I allowed the midwife to check my dilation. I was only 3 cm dilated. I labored in and out of the water for a few more hours – I tried various positions, squatted through contractions tried some belly dancing. My contractions were not getting any more regular – although they were really strong and painful. At about 6 AM, I took some homeopathic blue cohosh and a labor aid that the midwife had. We went out for a walk.

During the walk, the contractions got very strong. I was scared and had forgotten the entire point of the labor – that I would have a baby at some point. I was grateful when the midwife reminded me of this. It felt strange to be in public and in so much pain. I was very aware of the sun, the way the air smelled, the sound of my feet hitting the pavement and the people we passed. I remember feeling very annoyed at the midwife and Eric for talking about “normal” things. We were gone for about an hour. When we came back, I was so exhausted and fell asleep for the first time since labor had started. I slept for about 15 -20 minutes. After I woke up, the midwife wanted to check my dilation. I felt sure that I would have dilated more – the contractions felt powerful and I had walked and taken herbs. I was devastated to hear that I was only “maybe” 3 ½ cm dilated.

This was the lowest point for me. I felt discouraged. I was crying, scared and feeling like a failure. The worst part was that I knew that a moment like this would come. I just assumed that it would be at transition. But I was still very far from this – at 3 ½ dilation I had a long way to go. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I really lost it when the midwife took the baby’s heartbeat – it was up quite a bit – by about 25 bpm from the start of labor. This combined with the meconium, my “failure to progress”, and the swelling of my baby’s head made the decision to go to the hospital a pretty easy one. I was scared for my baby.

The moments in-between making this decision and arriving at the hospital are a blur. I vaguely remember packing a bag and noting the irony of this. I had consciously decided NOT to have a bag packed because I wanted to put all of my attention on having a safe and successful homebirth. I remember packing my pillow and the book I had been writing to Cora in. The car ride is a blur. The next thing I remember is walking by the NICU and really losing it. I saw all of those babies hooked up to all sorts of machines and all that I could think of is that I wanted to escape – to leave this situation. But I stayed. I was given a room – a sterile, cold, hospital room that was everything I didn’t want. I was scared. I don’t think I stopped crying for an hour or two.

I remember trying to explain my fear to some of the nurses. Some listened and understood. Some did not. At some point, I decided to get an epidural. I think my logic was something like, “as long as I am here, I might as well get some of the good things about being at the hospital” – and pain relief at this point was clearly a good thing. I could not handle the pain and the anxiety of being at the hospital. I was hooked up to IV’s, monitors and feeling very much strapped to the bed. Contractions are really more painful on your back and I could not move around as much as I wanted to.

But before I got this pain relief (about 2 hours after I arrived at the hospital), I learned who the on call physician was. Valeria Knudson. I had heard many stories about how bad she was. I immediately was scared and worried that I would have the kind of hospital horror birth I had read so often about. I started asking about how to get a different doctor. I was advised by my midwifes to meet Valerie first and then ask about switching. She was in the room for less than 5 minutes. She was rude, cut me off, did not listen and communicated that she disapproved of my choice of having a home birth. After she left, I started talking to the nurses about trying to switch doctors. It was about 11 AM at this point.

The discussion was interrupted by the arrival of the anesthesiologist. He was unwilling to take the time to answer my questions and made me feel horrible. I tried talking to him about turning down the medicine when I started pushing. He was very against this and generally refused to engage in any sort of discussion about the pros or cons of this decision. Here I was – about to accept a form of pain relief that only “lesser” women use. I was not supposed to be having this done. The degree of judgment I had about birth has really been a point of reflection. But it was there – and I was terrified. Within a few minutes, I started feeling less pain and my body started itching. The sensation was annoying at worst. I started to relax a little.

The nurses came back and had talked to the program director about switching doctors. I was told this is not something that usually happens. I was told that there was no guarantee that I could make this change. I was afraid of making things worse. I didn’t want Valerie to have another reason to take anything out on my baby or me. So I didn’t push it. I didn’t feel like I had any options.

Valerie came in and out – the monitor was left on constantly. But it didn’t matter. I was stranded on the bed and couldn’t even roll over without help. I felt really helpless. My baby was not doing well. She was having decelerations in her heart tones after every contraction. Valerie started talking about C-Sections. I resisted and let her know that even though I had to let go of my idea of a home birth, a natural birth and an active birth, I was not going to accept a C-Section.

Somewhere in all of this, they started pitocin because I was not dilating. The does was increased until they were giving me close to the maximum amount possible. Valerie was horrible. She would walk in, roll her eyes at my questions, and showed me very little respect. I felt so violated, scared and degraded. Looking back on it I can’t imagine how I survived the experience. My visual memory is not from my body looking out, but from some vantage point above myself looking down.

Throughout all of this the midwives were wonderful. I can’t imagine not having them there. I felt like at the very least, I was not the only one who was powerless in this situation. And they were a comfort. But it was clear that they could not challenge the doctor.

As the evening progressed, the talk of a C-section intensified. At one point, Valerie actually walked in and said, “Now, if I think there needs to be a Cesarean, I am going to do it and I don’t want to hear any argument”. I think I was too shocked by that to respond. We continued to state that we wanted a vaginal birth. I had started to dilate – however slowly and the baby’s heartbeat was stable. There was no reason to even talk about a C-Section.

About 7PM, Valerie went to perform a C-Section for another client who had been laboring down the hall. I was really scared. I knew we had about an hour before the pressure to have this operation would become very intense. I had dilated to about 6 at this point. I asked my baby to please let me give birth to her vaginally. I prayed, meditated and put all of my energy on the final dilation.

About 8:30, the epidural started to wear off. Since the dose was constant, this could only mean that the contractions were getting more intense and birth was close. I knew this internally, but felt so defeated in this environment that I didn’t even allow myself to hope this was the case. When Valerie came back, she checked me and said I was ready to push. She then did one really good thing – she asked my midwife to “coach” me with pushing. I was grateful for this one gesture. Pushing was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was incredibly painful as the epidural had been turned off. I felt like my body was totally out of my control. There was hardly a minute to catch my breath in between contractions. I wanted to escape the situation but felt totally trapped. I had lost the reason for the pushing – thoughts of my baby were the furthest thing on my mind.

And then in-between contractions, I heard Valerie ask the nurse if the lytocaine was ready. I asked her what this was for. She looked at me, rolled her eyes and said that she would do an episiotomy if she thought it was necessary or I would rip all the way to my anus. I can not describe the horror I felt at that moment. My body was out of my control and the woman that I had given that control to was disrespectful to me in this moment. The emotional pain of that is something that I will be dealing with for some time.

The rest is a blur. At some point, I pushed my baby out. They took her away. I cried.

It was a good 5 minutes before I got to hold her. But the moment was magical. I lost everything else around me except for Eric and my baby girl. There are no words.

But then they took her away again. Valerie pulled at the cord – it had been less than 10 minutes since I had given birth. The placenta came out with a gush of blood. And more blood. I remember looking down and realizing what she had done. Although pulling out the placenta is something routinely done in the hospital, midwives would never do this due to the risk of hemorrhage. And so there I was, alone (Eric was with the baby) and for a moment, I honestly thought that I could die. There was so much blood. They had to try 3 different drugs to get my placenta to clamp down and stop the bleeding. The concern on the faces of the nurses was more and more evident.

But they stopped the bleeding and brought my baby back to me. The next few hours is a blur. I remember being wheeled to our room, I remember holding my baby and looking at her beautiful face. I remember nursing for the first time. I remember the intense pain after the lytocaine wore off. I asked the midwives about the episiotomy and was shocked to learn that Valerie had done the most drastic kind of cut – once down the middle and another cut off to the side.

It was not the birth I had wanted. The physical pain lasted a good 3 months. I am still dealing with the emotional pain. It has taught me a lot – about myself and Cora. But I will be dealing with the loss of the birth I had wanted for some time.
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#2 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 04:34 AM
 
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s I'm sorry mamma!

Sounds like this may have left you with a touch of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A therapist may help you deal with these residual feelings - sounds quite traumatic.

On the plus side - you and your baby survived the ordeal!!! Yayyy! Try to stay focussed on the positives ... and I would be complaining formerly to someone about the way your midwife treated you.
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#3 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 06:43 AM
 
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Oh mama, I am so sorry for you! No wonder you are still suffering with the memories! That was medical rape. : I came to tears reading your birth story...so full of fear! Hell, I wouldn't have even known what to do!! That hospital and dr. had you trapped.

Labor can't move along well with the mother in fear...what the heck where they thinking!!?? And the episiotomy? UGH! : That dr. had NO respect for you, what so ever. It sounds like you are not her only victim, I pray that she is not in practice very much longer. If you feel up to it, maybe file a complaint?

It is awesome how you were able to stand your ground on the c-section! In my opinion you are a very strong mama.

In the future (well, of course if you plan on having more babies ) I would have a close friend or relative that can be your voice when you feel at your weakest during labor.

And I'm glad you came here to talk about it, and maybe talking about it will help you heal in some ways. Thank you for sharing, it must have been so hard for you.

Again, I'm so sorry your planned homebirth ended with such stress.

Tamera hearts.gifwife to Rod moon.gif Mama to Ty jammin.gif Nathan Peace.gif Hunter bikenew.gifMila energy.gifAndrew sleepytime.gif Kyle REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif& our last baby # 7 due June 2011 1sttri.gif We homeschool.gif  nocirc.gifcd.gif  h20homebirth.gif
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#4 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 07:31 AM
 
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You are such a strong mama! You made it clear that you didn't want a C section, and that took serious guts in such a hostile environment. You DID NOT FAIL in any way, during any step of labor and delivery. You carefully considered what was best for you and for your baby, and made your choices accordingly. While reading your account, I was nodding at everything you wrote ~ I'd have made exactly the same decisions at each point.

Your hospital failed in a big way ~ some of their employees failed to treat you with the compassion and respect you deserved. It should have been a simple matter to switch caregivers if you felt strongly about it. In most hospitals, this is clearly stated in their "patient's rights" documents. It sounds like you were given an episiotomy without informed consent, and that is very, very wrong. When you are ready, it might be healing to address complaints directly to the hospital administration, providing written descriptions of the ways in which you were mistreated and by who. Complaints like that often get a surprising amount of attention, and can result in appropriate disciplinary action and/or policy changes.

more and healing vibes to you,
Carolyn
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#5 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 12:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all of the suportive words. I think the hardest thing for me is that I have tried really hard to make some changes and have been unsuccessful. I have met with the hospital administration (for like 1 1/2 hours!) and told them all of this. Unfortunately, they wouldn't do anything to change the changing doc policy. It is also a shame that I am NOT the first woman this doc has hurt. She is awful. If anyone is living in Missoula MT, please remember her name and RUN if you have anything to do with her. I also tried starting a class action lawsuit -- and no attorney would take it on even though I have a list of women who would participate. The nurse who works at the attorny's office said, "I wish I could find a way to get this woman, you have no idea how many calls we get like this". I also tried to get the local media to do a story on it -- but they were too concerned about the liability issues and wouldn't do it.

At this point, I don't know what else I can do (as far as activism). I really wanted to find a way to make something positive (aside from my babe of course) come from this horrible experience. The last idea I have is to send this doc my birth story and hope that she can realize how her behaviors affect women.

I think I probably do have some PTSD. I am seriously looking into seeing someone about it. Right now, I can't imagine having another baby and I think it is affeceting my sexual relationship w/ my partner. But it is getting better I think - a few months ago, I couldn't even imagine posting this here...

So thanks for your help and support.
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#6 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 01:40 PM
 
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I just want to give you a big hug!
It is so hard to get past something like this, but time heals and you will one day find peace with it.
I wanted to also let you know that i had a completely unnecessary and unwanted episiotomy (at my homebirth!) I did not heal or feel good where the incision was probably for 6-9 months.. but felt back to normal after that.. definitely doing a LOT of kegels helped strengthen the muscles i also put vitamin e oil on the scar. And two years after that birth i had the most perfect amazing pain free homebirth of my last baby. My episiotomy scar never bothers me at all now.
Look at your last birth as a learning experience, educate your self and empower yourself and some day when you are ready to think about birthing again you will be prepared for that perfect healing birth!
I have to run the kids are calling me!! HOpe this helped!

T mama to R,J,B,M !
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#7 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 02:12 PM
 
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You made the first step by getting your feelings out momma! I had a similar experience with my first birth and you never accept what happened but you do
heal the pain and frustration with time. I am comforted by the reality that having a baby ( birthing and becoming a mother) is full of surprises and you can never be fully prepared. I had a wise friend tell me that It was also the babies birth and babies are born paying thier karma, so this could have been the birth that your baby needed to begin her life earthside.
Be prepared that when you talk about your birth you will want people to understand that you wanted a homebirth and all those injusticies that happened to you were wrong. ( I always had to tell my story). I always felt like less of a natural momma because my birth ended up in the hospital but I see now that those feelings were from inside me and not from othe peoples judgements. Be kind to yourself. I hope that if you choose to give biirth again it will be a healing one. My baby is also 6 months ...I love this age! How is brest feeding going? Let your heart heal with each let down!
Blessings

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#8 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 02:16 PM
 
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Oh, mama...

You didn't deserve that horrible experience, that miserable doctor, that terrifying birth. It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't right. The doctor should be ashamed, and hope that she never has to feel like that in a similar situation -- but if she does, maybe she'll change her ways. Probably nothing else will help.

For you, though, I strongly recommend counselling. I am coping, as I am now 10 weeks into my 2nd pregnancy, with healing from my own frightening end-of-pregnancy and birth experience last time by seeing a counsellor who specializes in such things. She has been helping me to distill my overwhelming feelings of "oh no, lord no, I can't do this again" into more specific fears and concerns, help me grieve the experience I didn't get, and find ways to feel more in control this time so that, in the end, I can look back without regret even if things don't go exactly as I want. I have no doubt that this will be a valuable thing for me -- and perhaps it will help you if you decide someday to have another child.

Again,
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#9 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 02:22 PM
 
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What an awful experience...but with a happy ending! A beautiful baby! Both of my births were nothing what I wanted. With Owen I was a perfect example of "one medical procedure resulting in another" stopping short of an episiotomy or c-section. I will never understand the way laboring women are often treated in hospitals. I am so sorry that you were made to feel so vulnerable and horrible during the birth of your child. There is no excuse for that. (((hugs)))
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#10 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 03:00 PM
 
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((((hugs))))) I 'm sorry that you were treated with such disprespect. I'm angry and sad for you.
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#11 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 03:12 PM
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ugh i'm so sorry! my first birth was nowhere near the intensity of yours and even now, i still don't like talking about it. congrats to you for talking about it! it's definitely a step towards healing.

you were violated and what should've been the most wonderful day of your life was taken from you. i'm sorry things turned out this way.

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#12 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 08:20 PM
 
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I am so sorry to hear your experience. I identified with a lot of your feelings, especially about crying on arrival at the hospital and being trapped and stranded on the bed. It took me a while to come to terms with how my baby had been born; I remember crying to my husband on about the third day that this was not how I had wanted to bring a child into the world, especially as I had had two relatively peaceful births with my other children.

Here in the UK there is a service where you can get your notes and talk to a midwife about the decisions made during your labour. This doesn't help if you have issues with a person's attitude as you did, but does show a willingness to discuss albour and how it affects women.

All I can say is that having taking the steps that you have, all you can do now is try to put what happened into a place where you can accommodate it without anxiety. This took me a long time, still after two years if I lie awake thinking the whole sequence of events is replayed in my mind. I don't know how to stop it, but it is not the only thing I think about now, which it was in the beginning.

Hugs to you in your healing
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#13 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 09:13 PM
 
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what an incredible and strong woman you are. You did it you really did it you had your baby despite incredible resistance.


i know that you are processing all the different components of this birth-
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#14 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 09:45 PM
 
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I think sending a letter to your doctor is a good idea. Even is she resists accepting her role in the bad birth experience, it will still make an impact on her, even if it is slight.
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#15 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 10:52 PM
 
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hugs to you, mama. how disrespectful of that doctor! while i can't relate to everything in your experience, i can say that some of those things sound familiar from my first birth. what helped me was to truly grieve and then realize that what happened was the best that could have under the circumstances (not being able to switch doctors, meconium, baby in distress, etc...). you were doing what you thought was the best for your baby, that is all we can expect of ourselves.

what also helped me was to go on and plan a completely different kind of birth experience and to just MAKE it happen. having had my second baby at home, in water, with privacy and peace, really helped me to heal from my not-so-ideal first birth experience.

i hope you can come to peace with your experience and just love that precious baby of yours.

peace.
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#16 of 43 Old 01-06-2005, 10:58 PM
 
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wow, thats harsh! i know where you are coming from in a small way though. when i was pregnant with my daughter i got very sick when i was about 7 months along and i spent a week in the hospital and there was one nurse in particular that, it seemed to me anyway, would go out of her way to treat me like crap. she would come in and talk down to me, treat me like a child, roll her eyes at me when i would ask her a question and mumble stuff under her breath when she would leave my room. one time she did it when i had a couple of friends in my room and when she left my best friend said "man, what a b****!" and i said "yeah!! i know! thats what ive been dealing with for the past week!" i almost always cried when she left my room. it was horrible. after that experience, i told my ob gyn that i HATED that hospital and i asked if she was going to be the one to deliver my baby. and she said no that the doctor on call would be delivering her. i felt so disheartend. but then she said the most wonderful thing. she gave us her number and said to tell them to call her when i went into labor and she would come and deliver her. and she did, and just having dr gambrell there made all of the difference.

i cant say that you will ever forget about your bad hospital experience, because i only had that one week where i was sick and i cant even begin to imagine how it would have been to be in that situation during birth. however you have a little one that you can hug to make up for it, even though the birth didnt go as planned the outcome was still the same, one adorable baby girl
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#17 of 43 Old 01-07-2005, 12:26 AM
 
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So sorry to hear the disrespect you had to deal with, so happy for you and your little girl! I know lots of mamas who have birthed in Missoula, I'll have to ask about that evil Doctor.. Take good care of yourself and your little one!

Happy, busy mama of 2 - A (9/05) and W (2/08)
Acupuncturist to pregnant and post partum mamas!
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#18 of 43 Old 01-07-2005, 03:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,

Thanks for all of the supportive words. I think that right now I am stuck in the "why" phase. Not so much the why me, poor me thing, but more the what did I do wrong thinking. Even though I do believe that everything happens for a reason, I want to know what caused the mec? Why was I not dialating? She was a big baby -- 9 lbs 6 ounces -- and I am a pretty small person.

Anyway, the thought of another child right now is really terrifying. And before this, I wanted a big family. But it is getting easier to deal with each day. And time will probably take care of things. I just keep thinking how unnecessary the docs negativity was....

Anyway, thanks again for the positive words,

Rachel
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#19 of 43 Old 01-07-2005, 10:02 AM
 
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Rachel,
You'll get through this.
You did a wonderful job with all the obstacles you faced. I mean that too!
I could not have stood up to that Doctor. I would have taken the c-section the moment she mentioned it. Thats because I am pretty weak around authority.

You stood up to her until the end! That is a strong women imo.

Katie
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#20 of 43 Old 01-07-2005, 10:48 AM
 
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I have been thinking about your story since yesterday. What a truly horrifying thing to go through! I can't believe that the hospital was so unhelpful in at least changing the policy to help women request a different doctor. Unfortunately, I think legally there is no way to make a physician take care of you EXCEPT to show up when they are responsible for covering emergencies. I know in my hospital a loaboring woman can request a different doc, but the doc has to be willing to take them on, otherwise they are stuck with who they get (and actually, we only have 1-2 walk-in deliveries every year anyway.)
I would write a letter to that physician, which I don't think she'll pay much attention to, but it's at least worth a try. I would try to be non-emotional in your writing and stick to statements like "Your actions made me feel . . . " Then send a copy to the hospital administration, and her boss if she's employed, or her practice's director if she's a partner. You could also send a copy to your state's licensing board.
Also, the issue of performing a procedure without consent could be pursued, since I'm thinking you did not consent to episiotomy. I would address that through the hospital administration and the state licensing board, also. You may not get any results, but complaints made about physicians stay in their personnel files at hospitals and may follow her if she ever looks for another job.
I don't think you are doomed to a repeat performance next time. Perhaps your baby's position made things slower, perhaps you do just labor slower. Do you trust your homebirth midwives? Would you feel comfortable with them attending you again? If so, perhaps there is a way to come up with a better back up plan. If not, then you'll need to look again for caregivers you feel comfortable with.
If you can find a counselor with some experience with birth counseling, it might be really helpful. Also, the book "Birthing From Within" came help with healing from a traumatic birth.
There is nothing that you did wrong. The medical system and doctor failed you.
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#21 of 43 Old 01-15-2005, 06:37 PM
 
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I could have writen the same story. In fact, i have never been able to write my story at all. I applaud you for that, i know how hard it must have been. It has been 17 months here and i can tell you that it does get easier to deal with. I can also say that you did the best you possibly could have. That is all we can ask from anyone. You are a strong mama and your healing is comming. Hugs and love.
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#22 of 43 Old 01-16-2005, 08:52 AM
 
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I read your story and felt really angry on your behalf. You truly deserved to be treated with respect.

But anger was not the only thing I felt. I felt inspired. It sounds so strange, I know, but I sense a deepness within you that contains a lot of healing energy and postive change... The pain you are going through is deep and will take time to subside. But you are strong and I truly believe that in the wake of the emotional turmoil there will be an equal depth of goodness.

Take care of yourself...
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#23 of 43 Old 01-16-2005, 09:28 AM
 
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Hi
my son was a c-sec after HB transfer and tbh, I didn't read your story as my PTSD is playing up today. My birth story is in this section too. My son is 14 months old now and I am no longer depressed and suicidal, which occurred when he was about 6 months old and it all caved in on me. I started a group for women recoving from birth trauma and you'd be amazed how many HB transfer mamas are in the group. Sadly, I've discovered it's a common experience. Writing your story down is a really good start on the road to healing. I can PM you the stuff my group uses on recovering, if you like. It's lowkey pamphlets with lots of selfhelp hints and internet and book resources.
You're not alone, trust me! Hugs to you,
J
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#24 of 43 Old 01-18-2005, 06:10 PM
 
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Thanks for having the courage to share - I know how you feel about having that episiotomy ! I remember the pain from mine very well - it's terrible. I would say don't dwell too much on what went wrong - with the meconium and no dilation, you had to go the hospital for your baby's sake - it could have been worse - you are both in good health !
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#25 of 43 Old 01-18-2005, 06:26 PM
 
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Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry theat you had to go through this. May you find peace with it soon. I wish I could do something to help...

Be good to yourself. Many blessings to you and your family!

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#26 of 43 Old 01-18-2005, 10:34 PM
 
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Oh mama, I am so sorry for you! Thanks for sharing!
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#27 of 43 Old 01-20-2005, 03:36 AM
 
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I am so sorry to hear this story. Another place you may want to complain to about the epis without permission in Joint Commission. They look at quality in hospitals. JCAHO.org is the website, there is a custumor complaint form in the quality check area.

I hope you continue to heal physically and emotionally from your birth.
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#28 of 43 Old 01-26-2005, 08:49 AM
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hugs im sorry... in the good hands.. you have a daughter to raise and love forever
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#29 of 43 Old 01-26-2005, 03:48 PM
 
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I was thinking about your story last night...then read it again. That Doctor did not have your permission to treat you. You must give consent for care. I would complain to JCAHO and you Dept of Health about the unnecessary epis AND being treated without permission. Consent is required by law and if they got the unit manager involved it's obvious that they knew you didn't want that doc touching you.

That's a nurse's prospective.
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#30 of 43 Old 01-27-2005, 07:02 AM
 
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I'm so sorry your family had to endure that birthing! My DS is 11mos. and I am healing from his birth as well. I will pass this article on to you with warning that it may make you even angrier. It made me angry but answered a lot of questions for me. I'm furious at the medical establishment and I'm doing something about it by educating myself. "They" had my last birth and *I* am going to have my next one! This article is beautifully written and I consider it a must read for all women.

http://www.birthlove.com/free/rape_complimentary.html

P.S. I see there has already been someone who was unable to respond in an appropriate manner to this thread. I think it is perfectly clear what you mean when you describe getting the epidural. The point of this thread is not to debate medicated vs. non-medicated births. I hope you can ignore that post and focus on continuing to work through your grief.

Best wishes!

Laura
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