disappointing, or traumatic birth experiences (and moving on from them) tribe - Page 11 - Mothering Forums
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#301 of 321 Old 07-25-2008, 11:04 AM
 
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I just wanted to let everyone know i finally finished and posted my birth story over on Solace.

the real one is here: http://forums.solaceformothers.org/t...ost?id=2859650

the one I wrote for my daughter is here:
http://forums.solaceformothers.org/t...ost?id=2859663
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#302 of 321 Old 07-25-2008, 04:46 PM
 
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Lost my mucus plug the morning of the 9/24. had a dr appt that day as I had been suffering for excessive swelling and high b/p and had already been off put off work for a month because of it. Dr. sent me the hospital (next door) because of the b/p and to have yet another NST. The midwife left the induction decision up to me, so being miserable and worried about seth, I agreed. Pitocin was started (big regret here). I proudly labored DRUG FREE for 28 hours. standing made the contractions much easier to deal with, that and my sense of humor. Finally after going from 1-3 cm during the night of the 24th into the 25th and effacing 100%, my cervix was done. Seth came down and I even felt the urge to push. I would have had seth right then and there if I had been dilated to 10. The midwife said he was ready but I wasn't. So after talking it over with the midwife, I agreed to the c-section. They had already broke my water and I guess they only let you labor so long after than. I reluctantly agreed to the epi, and still no dilation after it. So at 9:12 pm on the night of 9/25, Seth Colton was born weighing in at 9lbs 1oz and 20in long.

I had my c-section on monday night, came home on Friday. my MIL had just invited herself to stay with us! OMG, it was a nightmare. first of all I had baby blues or something, plus BF did not go as planned so I cried practically all day long. I finally told Jason she was going to have to go home I felt like she was a guest and i couldn't' take care of her and Seth. He didn't understand at first, but finally realized I was going to have a nervous breakdown if she didn't leave. so she had planned on leaving on a Tuesday after taking me on Monday for my checkup and to have my staples removed. Tuesday morning I woke up and I felt like I had a pile of bricks on my chest. Just to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen I was so out of breath, not a long walk. I called the Drs office and left a message. they called straight back and told me to come right in. I was sent next door to have a oxygen test done. By this time it is all I could do to breathe while walking I was so out of breath, I didn't understand it. To shorten, I had the oxygen test done and my O2 level was below 88% which is really bad, they gave me a cat scan, u/s of my legs and a heart u/s to rule out a blood clot. The Dr originally thought I was having a complication to my c-section. I had already checked in 3 times at registration and finally they just admitted me. I had to be rolled in a wheelchair to be put back on the labor hall and was in the same room where I recovered after having seth. once admitted They put me on oxygen cause my ablility to breath in was getting shorter and shorter. My friend Eliaine who is a baby nurse came in and tried to cheer me up, when suddenly I got to where I couldn't breathe, she ran out and got another nurse who upped my oxygen to 6, which is literally blowing the heck into your nose. but man, did it help. I tried going to the bathroom later, with my husband's help, without the oxygen and when I got back to the bed I was scrambling to get the tubes in my nose, it was SO scarey! I cried everyday because i was away from seth, (the nurses told me I was never going to be able to breathe better if I didn't stop crying) but they determined I was anemic somehow, had pneumonia and was not losing any of my fluid from pregnancy. They ordered lasix which will make you pee your brains out. The night nurse (whom I LOVED) asked if she could please put in catheter (I had refused it) because I would never be able to keep up with the fluid loss. so I let her, because she was so nice to me. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but man it was good that she did, when that stuff kicked in I dropped 3 liters over night!(I lost 20lbs while there due to fluid) I stayed in the hossy until that Friday when the stupid lung doctor finally released me. I hated him. I didn't think I was ever going to get to go home. My mom came and stayed with me at the hossy because Jason's mom had to get back to work and I wanted him to be with seth, not his mom anyway. He didn't like it, but he got over it. Which, it did help she was there because jason had to take me all over the place that first day. It was just terrible. Just having seth and not being able to be around him was the worst.

My story is not the worst, but I have struggled with the fact I had a c/s and could not breast feed for almost a year now...

Sorry so long. So I am reasearching everything I can about a VBAC for next time.
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#303 of 321 Old 07-27-2008, 07:34 PM
 
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Hi, I check in here, but haven't been online much due to a broken arm and family visiting.

A gal in my tribal area posted the link for this article on "Making Peace with your Birth Experience". I hope it blesses you as it did me.

Mama to 2 year old and :: June 14th!
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#304 of 321 Old 07-28-2008, 01:30 AM
 
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Although my story is nothing in comparision to the brave women that posted above, I have my own traumas of my daughters birth. I had planned a homebirth and I had a normal healthy preganancy. When I visited my midwife at 38 weeks, I had high blood pressure. she began her own tricks to induce me. They worked. I wne tinto labor at 9 o clock that night. My blood pressure remained high, by 3 in the morning, she told me it was time to go the hostpital. Throughout my whole preganancy this was my number one fear, that I would go to a hospital, pressured and manipulated, and have a horrible birth experience where my baby was taken away from me during precious bonding moments. My mother in law had somehow worked into this ewuation and met us at the hospital, when all I wanted was my husband, I wanted this to be our experience alone, I didnt even tell my own mother. I never found the will, or strength, to ask her to leave and she stayed almost the whole time, and was there during the birth of my daughter. My daughter was born naturally after over 15 hours of labor. I was very lucky, the OB on call was in a c-section of twins at the time, and my midwife, who is a homeborth CNM, was allowed to deliver my daughter. She was brought right to my chest and didnt leave for over two hours, for that I am grateful. I remeber the nurses just standing around after, like they didnt really know what to do. Although the OB showed up at the end of the birth, the delivery, and talked rudely the whole time, he was asked multiple times to be quiet and eventually did. It was a mircle pretty much that my midwife was allowed to do what she did, she said so herself. That OB resigned one week later. But the nurses irriated me so bad, they were course, and rough, and that damaged me a little bit. They made us stay in the hospital for two days, I later found out, I could have signed a wavier to that. I just keep reliving each moment and think each part over, it is hard for me, so many things I wanted different for me and my daughter my husband as well. I wanted such peace, quiet, love, privacy, to be home, just so many different things, but maybe this is all just part of the process.
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#305 of 321 Old 07-28-2008, 11:38 AM
 
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Hi Bingham, I hadn't seen your post earlier. Welcome.

I found this book looking for some other birth book. It looks and sounds good.
Rebounding from Childbirth by Lynn Madsen.

ETA: I can't add another post, but there is now a Healing from Birth Trauma forum in Birth and Beyond.

I think we should do a sticky of all the resources listed in this thread.

Mama to 2 year old and :: June 14th!
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#306 of 321 Old 08-14-2008, 05:16 PM
 
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I've posted over on Solace - the most complete story I've written to date is over there, but I've just posted a synopsis here in Birth and Beyond, trying to get more input and ideas to help me get my head around what was done to me. Link here.

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#307 of 321 Old 08-16-2008, 09:33 PM
 
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for some mamas who are new to the board and looking for this thread

Flowers, fairies, gardens, and rainbows-- Seasons of Joy: 10 weeks of crafts, handwork, painting, coloring, circle time, fairy tales, and more!
Check out the blog for family fun, homeschooling, books, simple living, and 6 fabulous children, including twin toddlers

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#308 of 321 Old 08-17-2008, 03:25 PM
 
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You know it was really cool to read what I posted to this thread long ago and see how now I am really okay with the whole thing! My c section was completly necessary and I didn't fail, my body didn't fail! As I plan my HBAC, I am completly at peace with the fact that sometimes things happen and you have to do what you have to do. Do I want another csection? No I don't but at this point its more about the recovery than anything else...the recovery from the section was way longer and harder than the recover from my two vag deliveries.

Eden yikes.gif, working on a PhD in Education mama to Laurelleshamrocksmile.gif (16), Orijoy.gif (6), Yarrowfaint.gif (4) and Linusfly-by-nursing1.gif (1) partner to Brice. 
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#309 of 321 Old 08-18-2008, 02:35 AM
 
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I'm really glad I found this thread and tribe.

DD was a full 2 weeks late when my OB scheduled my induction. At 7AM on Monday, I checked in. They were not pleased with my lack of progression and started me off with cervical softener. I started having contractions and DH and I spent the entire day walking the hospital. By dinner time, I was nearly 100% effaced and having regular contractions at 10-minute intervals. I was asked if I wanted an epidural to get me through the night, and I said no. I felt like things were progressing enough to where maybe, just maybe, DD would be born very late that night or very early the next morning.

Well, she wasn't. I breathed through contractions all night long, so I didn't sleep at all. The OB came in around 9 the next morning. I was finally 100% effaced but only 4cm dilated. My contractions were coming every 7 minutes and I was exhausted. At 1pm - 31 hours into labor - he came in to check again and said I was 6cm and that DD would most certainly be born today. However, my water had not broken yet, so he told me he was going to break my water. He didn't even give me a chance to protest before he broke my water. I felt so ... violated.

By now, my contractions were coming every 5 minutes and I was delirious from the exhaustion. Honestly, my contractions were NOT painful, but I was having a very hard time recovering between them because I just did not have the energy. I asked to be left alone to talk with my doula and DH. (I had planned for an unmedicated hospital birth.) I just felt that there was no way I'd be able to adequately push unless I got some rest. My doula agreed that I needed energy. So, as my contractions were coming 3 minutes apart, I consented to an epidural. I had never felt so defeated. I was handling those contractions SO well, but I knew I needed to rest.

Rest, I did. When I awoke 7 hours later, I was in transition. I could feel immense amounts of pressure in my rear end. The nurse checked me and moved me t to the birthing room. She said I was 9.75cm dilated, so she was going to be back in 20 minutes for me to start pushing. (Is there even a way to tell between 9.75cm and 10cm???) I told DH to tell her to get back in the room because I was going to start pushing NOW. He ran to get her while I pushed through the first couple of contractions alone. (She came back and remarked at how quickly I got to pushing. How long was she expecting it to take??)

I pushed for 3 hours. DD would get to a certain point in the birth canal and just spring right back up after I stopped pushing. The OB offered 2 choices - vacuum extraction (followed by a c/s if it didn't work) or go straight for a c/s. I picked the c/s. I'm glad I did, because when they got to DD, she had the cord wrapped around her neck twice. They had to cut the cord while she was still in me to get her out. I watched them carry her over to the pediatrician. I wanted to hold her so badly. I had waited 42 long weeks.

The biggest moment was when they gave her the eye ointment and THEN read our birth plan, which specifically said NO EYE OINTMENT. So, instead of fessing up to it, they just tried to wipe it off. When they FINALLY brought her over to me, I got a mouthful of eye goop while trying to kiss her. : They wouldn't let her come into recovery with me, and so I didn't get to see her until 3 hours after I had her. They had already fed her formula from a bottle and she was sleeping.

The only part of DD's birth that went according to plan was that she was born. There wasn't anything traumatic in the sense that anyone was hurt or injured, aside from having my water broken when I did not want it to be broken. Her birth was very disappointing for me. I HATE that I got an epidural. Hate it hate it hate it. I think I would've been ok with it had I delivered her vaginally, because there is no way I would've been able to push for 3 hours without the rest I got. But, I feel like it was for nothing since I ended up having a c/s anyway. I feel like it was just one more drug in my, therefore in her, system. What really scares me is that the OB suggested a vacuum extraction without checking for a wrapped cord. At the time, I didn't think about it, but no one even checked! DD was SO close to crowning that it would've been an easy check. I shudder when I think about what could've happened had I chosen a vacuum extraction. For a long time, I couldn't even talk about it.

No one seems to really understand. I get a lot of, "it doesn't matter how she got here, as long as she's here." Well, it matters to ME how she got here ... her birth wasn't traumatic as we both are healthy and unharmed from it. And really, I probably can't even say it was disappointing since she arrived healthy ... but, in a way, it was pretty disappointing for me.

DD#1 dust.gif (May '08); new sweet baby girl (May '11) vbac.gif
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#310 of 321 Old 08-18-2008, 11:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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kmb9906,



I'm sorry about what happened with your birth.

Perhaps some other Mama's will see this and be able to relate. I know what it is like to feel so upset about how things went, and not be able to let it go. No one seems to understand birth trauma, it is very hard to deal with in your day to day life.

A lot of Mama's on this thread have gone over to the Solace For Mothers Online Community for Healing Birth Trauma , which I'd like to invite you to as well. It is a private board, which is more conducive for this type of discussion. It also has several resources you may find helpful.
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#311 of 321 Old 08-20-2008, 03:42 PM
 
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My c section was completly necessary and I didn't fail, my body didn't fail! As I plan my HBAC, I am completly at peace with the fact that sometimes things happen and you have to do what you have to do.

It took getting my hospital records & going through them with my MW to find that peace for me. I still kept thinking that I had somehow failed, that my body had failed, then my hospital records proved otherwise. My MW suspected that baby had been hung up by the cord (of course thr Dr. just said that baby was "too big" whitch of course is BS!) The records though proved my MW right, the cord was arround baby's neck near the placenta, and I had been pushing on her so hard that the cord had begun to detatch from the placenta. It is one of those random flukes that nothing other than a c/s can be done for. I had a perfect, wonderfull, normal, healthy pregnancy. It could not have been forseen, prevented, or fixed. I really think that baby planned it that way simply for Mommy to learn big lessons. And yeah, sometimes sh** happens, and we just have to do what we can. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. If we can come through the other side of trauma alive, it just means that we are stronger, wiser women for it!

Elisha; happy, working, mountain/river/music, single mamma to Charlotte hearts.gif 03/16/08.      http://rivermamma.blogspot.com/

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#312 of 321 Old 08-20-2008, 04:07 PM
 
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Throughout my whole preganancy this was my number one fear, that I would go to a hospital... My daughter was born naturally after over 15 hours of labor.
I think you are very blessed to have been a hospital transfer that was still allowed to birth naturally, with you MW even! I still had hopes of birthing vaginaly when my MW took me to the hospital, I hadn't really even thought about c/s, it just didn't exist as an option in my mind. So when it was presented to me as my only option, I had a bit of a hard time comming to terms with it (to say the least!) I am glad to hear your story though, it is inspiring to think that a hospital transfer could end so well!

Elisha; happy, working, mountain/river/music, single mamma to Charlotte hearts.gif 03/16/08.      http://rivermamma.blogspot.com/

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#313 of 321 Old 08-20-2008, 04:51 PM
 
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The biggest moment was when they gave her the eye ointment and THEN read our birth plan, which specifically said NO EYE OINTMENT. So, instead of fessing up to it, they just tried to wipe it off. When they FINALLY brought her over to me, I got a mouthful of eye goop while trying to kiss her. : They wouldn't let her come into recovery with me, and so I didn't get to see her until 3 hours after I had her. They had already fed her formula from a bottle and she was sleeping.
No one seems to really understand. I get a lot of, "it doesn't matter how she got here, as long as she's here." Well, it matters to ME how she got here.
kmb9906
Yeah, my birth plan had nothing to do with the hospital, so I have no idea
what all they did to her that I would not have agreed to. I was totally out of my element, and even though they realized this & tried to be accomidating, they still pressured me into some things that I would have otherwise declined. I'm really sorry to hear that they gave her formula, I hope BF is going well now though! Also, I understand about how important it is to feel like baby arrived in the right way, espically when the birth went totally different from what you had invisioned. I was very angry about my c/s too. I have recieved allot of positive feedback on c/s babies since my birth though, not so much "it doesn't matter," but more allong the lines of "It matters greatly, since c/s babies tend to be better connected to their higher selves." Something about not having all of the Earthly energies "squashed" into them. Also, allot of people have told me that c/s is a much more peacefull birth for the baby (not for the mamma obviously though.) My MW commented on me showing signs of a traumatic birth, but DD showing signs of a peacefull birth! I have a dear friend in Scotland who has had 4 homebirths, and reciently had a schedualed c/s due to placenta previa, she researched the spirtual side of it looking for her own solace, and in doing so helped me find peace, acceptance, and gratitude. Also, I was told reciently that Buddha was a c/s...

Elisha; happy, working, mountain/river/music, single mamma to Charlotte hearts.gif 03/16/08.      http://rivermamma.blogspot.com/

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#314 of 321 Old 08-21-2008, 01:35 AM
 
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Originally Posted by kmb9906 View Post
The only part of DD's birth that went according to plan was that she was born.

....

No one seems to really understand. I get a lot of, "it doesn't matter how she got here, as long as she's here." Well, it matters to ME how she got here.
This is exactly how I feel about my daughter's birth. It does matter, dammit.
I hear you.
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#315 of 321 Old 08-21-2008, 10:10 AM
 
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: even my DH who understands me better than anyone says that.

Makes me feel really crazy.
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#316 of 321 Old 09-03-2008, 06:13 PM
 
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Giving you all a bump. I pulled this out of the FYT archives and moved it to the new forum. Peace, mamas.

Flowers, fairies, gardens, and rainbows-- Seasons of Joy: 10 weeks of crafts, handwork, painting, coloring, circle time, fairy tales, and more!
Check out the blog for family fun, homeschooling, books, simple living, and 6 fabulous children, including twin toddlers

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#317 of 321 Old 09-03-2008, 06:58 PM
 
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I am so glad to see this forum! After my much dreamed about homebirth turned to a hosptial transfer and ended in a c section I had a hard time coming to the birth board on mothering. I felt like I didn't fit in. I am a natural birth advocate and tried my hardest for a natural childbirth but things didn't go my way and I felt I didn't have a place at mdc to talk about it. The VBAC forum is great, but I am not at the point of planning another child or birth, so this forum is very apprecitated.

Maria, wife to DH, mama to DS 09/2007, #2 12/2010 and hoping for a
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#318 of 321 Old 09-04-2008, 12:48 AM
 
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Thank you, Annette!

Mama to 2 year old and :: June 14th!
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#319 of 321 Old 09-09-2008, 03:59 PM
 
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First time Mama - check out Solace, links in my sig, and other posts above, I think you will find us a VERY supportive place, where most people will understand EXACTLY where you are coming from.

I am sorry for your experience,

I felt like a failure for my unnatural birth, like I didn't belong in the forums.
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#320 of 321 Old 09-21-2008, 03:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by First Time Mama View Post
I am so glad to see this forum! After my much dreamed about homebirth turned to a hosptial transfer and ended in a c section I had a hard time coming to the birth board on mothering. I felt like I didn't fit in. I am a natural birth advocate and tried my hardest for a natural childbirth but things didn't go my way and I felt I didn't have a place at mdc to talk about it. The VBAC forum is great, but I am not at the point of planning another child or birth, so this forum is very apprecitated.
Me to, my homebirth dream ended in a c/s. But that was the whole reason I came to MDC. My friend Jeremy (riverundine) told me that there was a c/s support group here. This thread has been helpfull, as well as the all children by c-section tribe here is the link
Three days of labor at home, two days of pushing... that was the easy part! I can do that! Going to the hospital... that was hard. Finding acceptance to say OK to the c/s, that was the single most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. (& I'm not a sissy, I'v done some pretty hardcore things in my life.) I cried & screamed long & hard. I prayed & prayed & prayed (once I was done screaming.) Oh, BTW, I went from 10cm all the way down to 2cm when I walked into that hospital. I am gratefull to be alive, I am gratefull to have my beautifull DD. I have found acceptance allong with my gratitude, but that doesn't make the experience any easier. It was not easy. I still cry about it sometimes (like now.)
May I ask you what happened?

Elisha; happy, working, mountain/river/music, single mamma to Charlotte hearts.gif 03/16/08.      http://rivermamma.blogspot.com/

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#321 of 321 Old 09-22-2008, 12:27 PM
 
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It's been so nice to read your stories and see that I'm not alone in having these feelings. Some of the feelings are so hard to describe to people who haven't experienced it -- lots of people have the simplistic view that if you have a healthy baby, you should just get over any feelings about how s/he got here. And sometimes I feel that way too, and it just makes me feel guilt and embarassment on top of all the painful stuff I'm already feeling.

My two traumatic birth stories can be read here (post #1 and post #15).

DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
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