disappointing, or traumatic birth experiences (and moving on from them) tribe - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-19-2007, 08:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jennica View Post
Anyone know how many posts or commentors we need before they will give us a forum?
dang, i was hoping you'd know.

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Originally Posted by Julie1014 View Post
We've almost all said something about wanting to "get over" or "move on" from our birth experiences (that just saddens me to think that so many women feel that way about an experience that is supposed to be wonderful) but very few have said how they are moving on.

I would really like to hear how other women are coping.
i've shared a lot about my healing process, both in my story and in the c-s thread.... but i love talking about this, so i'll jot down a few quick notes while ds is napping....some may be repeats.

(insert my usual disclaimer here: healing is different for everyone, what works for one may make another's hurt worse, etc etc etc.):

~shutting out all the noise. in my case, everyone wanted to tell me how to heal. they wanted me to join ican, to share on mdc, to talk with other new mommas, etc. but all of that made it worse for me... like, A LOT WORSE. until i'd let myself stop trying to heal the ways they all thought i should.... and focused on how I heal--

~getting "back" to me. so, it turns out, i heal best on my own. no one could help me, because no one "got" it... at least, no one "really" got, kwim? so, i started pulling out my old tricks-- silly things, like things you did in HS when your bf dumped you... pampering my body, treating myself well, doing things i loved, re-reading my fave books, watching my fave movies, listening to my fave music.... for me, having lost my vaginal birth, i felt like i lost "me"... and felt like i was never going to "get" to be me again, so reminding myself of who i am, and that i was still me... was so so important.

~finding my goddess self. this was huge for me.... because for me, birthing was going to be my ticket to Really Being A Woman... i read a ton of stuff on finding/healing the goddess within... i did a lot of yoga (slowly, as i could manage), did some chakra work, explored loads of new agey stuff... i felt that if i could imagine someone worthy of being a goddess who hadnt birthed vaginally (or, in the case of a non-c-s, hadnt birthed ideally/etc)... then surely, i could reclaim that goddess sense....

~forgiving the awful comments. i think i might have finally given up the anger towards those around me who said awful things to me. i realized that as long as i still held on to being mad at MIL for saying that "it's probably better this way"... that i was keeping myself from really healing.

~surrounding myself and my baby with beauty. the world can be an ugly place. ugly experiences in hospitals are, to me, some of the worst. surrounding myself with beauty, as much as i can, has helped me so much. we spend a lot of time in the garden. gardens and gardening is, for me at least, so theraputic. green growing things... paying attention to the cycle of life... sometimes just letting the water wash over us, literally... we play naked in the garden a lot.

~affirmations... the power of thought! sometimes, when i just couldnt bare anything, i could make myself write in my journal, over and over, some affirmation... "I am healed. I am whole. I am complete. I am at peace with ds's birth." .... over and over and over. while breathing deeply and intentionally. (this was especially powerful after i saw "what the bleep do we know"... they talk about how if you think something over and over, you can actually physically alter the pathways of your brain.... i think i got that switch... the path that had been saying: "I failed, I am horrible, my life is over...." i got it to say "I am whole, I am vibrant, I am wonderful..." or-- it's just another form of LOA, for you LOA mommas-- actually, i made healing and being whole a major part of my Treasure Map this year, for those who do TMs. i credit that A LOT, to be honest.)

ok, the babe is stirring... better wrap up. HUGS mommas, and let's keep this thread active!!!
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Old 07-20-2007, 01:04 AM
 
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Wow. Great suggestions. Thanks so much for sharing those. I am definitely going to bring some of those things into my life.
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Old 07-20-2007, 03:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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dang, i was hoping you'd know.
Who knows? I know the green living tribe thread is pages and pages long, and they still don't have a forum.


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We've almost all said something about wanting to "get over" or "move on" from our birth experiences (that just saddens me to think that so many women feel that way about an experience that is supposed to be wonderful) but very few have said how they are moving on.
I don't think I'm doing such a great job at moving on, but here is what I have done.

1. Two weeks to a couple months after the birth I wrote the birth story out from start to finish.

2. I wrote a letter of complaint to the hospital. You can view it here.

3. I started seeing a therapist who specializes in mothering issues including dissapointing birth experiences, when ds was 4 months old, and now almost 2 years later I am still seeing her with no end in site : But so many other issues have come to the surface that therapy is going to take a while.

4. I refused to pay our $250.00 co-pay to the hospital and after dh debated with a few rounds of hospital staff people the fee was waived.

5. I ordered a copy of my medical records (I have yet to order Ds's, though I think of it from time to time).

6. When ds turned 1, I started taking antidepressents, which I am still on, and he is now 26 months.

7. I did a lot of art therapy for awhile, a lot of drawings of how I felt about my birth experience. For me it was easier to express my feelings that way and I hope to put those drawings on the web at some point.

8. I read and read and read about birth. I read everything I could get my hands on, I devoured all information related to birth, and I still do. I wanted to find out what went wrong, and why things happened how they did. I found out that I will never really know, but in the process I learned a great deal more about birth than I knew before Ds was born, and I realized that I want to use that knowledge to help other women.

9. I write a lot. I write about the birth, about being a mother, and about how the hospital mistreated me. I used to have a blog that no one in my real life knew about that I would write everything on. I deleted it at one point, and now I have a public blog that I write in about birth issues at times. I also write privately about the birth a lot. I have probably written pages and pages and pages about it.

10. I had an idea of creating a web site were women could take a survey about their birth experience, which would help other women find providers and facilities. I then hooked up with someone from a thread here on MDC who was volunteering with the Grassroots Advocates Committee (GAC) of CIMS (The Coalition for Improving Maternity Services). They had been working for over a year to create a survey very much like the one I had envisioned. I provided them with detailed feedback on their survey, and was then invited to join them in developing the survey. I am now one of the The Birth Survey subcommittee members! The survey pilots in NYC in just a few days, check it out here!

That's about it I guess. Therapy is a big part of moving on for me. It has helped me a lot, even though my personality is pretty ressistant to it, it has been really good for me. There are a few things that I would still like to do though, and here they are;

1. I want to talk to my doula. I have questions and comments for her. I want to hear her impressions and just tell her about everything that has happened to me since the birth. As far as I know, she knows nothing other than that I was a little dissapointed.

2. I want to talk to, or write a letter to (haven't decided yet) the midwife who delivered ds. I have questions and comments for her, and I want her to know what she did to me, and how her actions have affected my life.

3. I want to let the nurses know in some way how their actions affected me as well.

4. I want to order ds's medical records.

5. I really want to sue the hospital or the midwife and nurses. I know that this is not advisable from a lot of people, and I have been discouraged against it for over two years now. However, I have PTSD, and this is going to last for the a long time, maybe the rest of my life, and I feel like at the very least they should pay for my therapy and meds, and for Ds's craniosacral therapy. Perhaps it is unrealistic, but I want to try to do something. It just isn't fair that my life is forever damaged and they continue to practice and probably treat people the way I was treated, and they probably don't care or even remember me. I want them to never forget me, the way I have to never forget them.
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Old 07-20-2007, 10:35 AM
 
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for all the mommas. I cried just reading each birth story.

Just want to say, thats wonderful Jennica how you ended up helping with the survey! can't wait to see the results of it.

Both of my births were traumatic unfortunately but in different ways. My first I had no clue about anything about birth and was like "well they'll tell me what to do" I had ptl labor issues starting at 31 wks with her and was in and out of hospitals for 5 weeks, this was my first taste of how disgusted I was with one hospital I was in. I was 34 wks and was 5 cm and I went to my OB and she said oh you need to go in again, i figured they would just let me deliver this time. I went in and they put me on mag sulfate which I was extremely irrate over, i put up a fight over it but they still did it. I was told at the other hospital i was in that had a bit more experience with ptl issues than this one that I would only get mag sulfate that one time and after that if I progressed they probably wouldn't try extreme measures to stop labor.

Well i hated mag sulfate and they had it on me for 5 days, on which the 4 th night a nurse suggested that I'd pee frequently as she noticed my ctxs lighten when they happen, because I was holding it in because it was a pain going to pee with that IV. So I did pee when i needed to that night and the morning a different nurse came in and gave me a bed pan and said "you got up to pee too much last night, you aren't allowed out of bed anymore, doctors orders" (i hadn't seen a doctor in 3 days there) I said excuse me?? well I wasn't about to follow that crap and use a bed pan. So i ignored all the staff and called my SIL who was a doctor and she was gonna come down and help me get discharged to another hospital. Eventually during the day, they sent in a shrink to figure out why I wasn't talking, so I told her. 10 mins later the head nurse comes in, I told her. 5 mins later an OB finally sees me. I told him how I felt and wanted off the mag and he said "fine we'll take it off you tonite and see how you do and release you in the morning" great! I was off and I didn't progress anymore, so I scrammed out of there as fast as I could. A few days later I ended up in the other hospital. I was there for a week and they gave me an amnio to see if her lungs were mature so they could induce at 36 wks but came back negative so they sent me home. Two days later I came back.

My water had leaked, so they decided to induce me. Of course looking back now I wonder why? When they checked me I was 7 cm, so obvsiously I was pretty close so why bother inducing? Maybe have me walk around etc....but nope I got some pitocin. That was at 4 am. The ctx weren't bad at all, totally managable but I was stuck in bed. The nurse said I was too comfortable and decided to check me at 8 am and I was still 7 cm. So she talked to OB and said do another pit bag, must be something wrong with that one. So I get another bag and bang it hurt like heck. Then I screamed for an epidural. They were there in a heartbeat and after it was in I was checked and was 10cm. But I started having a weird reaction, i was itching like crazy and then my rash started spreading everywhere ( I had PUPPPS also but it was only on a few spots on my belly and legs) Within 30 mins I was covered head to toe in a big red blotch and was going crazy. So there was no way I was gonna push like this so they gave me more meds to counteract that. I fell asleep, it made me so tired. I remember them waking me and it was around noon, she said the baby's heartrate isn't doing well you need to push. I was so out of it and I didn't even know if I was pushing, I did this for 3 hours. They were gonna try forceps but not sure if they did but did ended up trying the vacuum. I just remember the nurse saying "if you don't get this baby out in the next 5 mins your going for a section" Well that managed me to get the baby out.

They didn't show me her, they brought her to warmer. I didn't have my glasses on, so I didn't even get a glimpse of her. They said she needed to go the NICU because she was coughing? (i don't remember hearing any coughing, neither did my dh who was near her watching) So my dh goes with her and I'm left there getting stiched up and feeling all dazed about what just happened. They sent me to my pp room and still no word on my baby, this was 3 hrs later. I was sorta like a zombie just sitting there, no body with me just the nurse coming in ever so often pushing my belly for some reason and then left. Where was my baby??? I actually remember I was so numb that it really didn't bother me much that my baby wasn't there. I just wanted to see her but yet I felt like I really didn't care if I did or not. I think all those meds were still affected me and just making me feel so loopy. Then nurse came in and said, baby was fine and you'll see her shortly and even said "she has the most beautiful eyelashes, all the nurses just had to go check her out" um thxs you dimwit i haven't even seen her yet but apparently the whole nursing staff has? grrrrr. So I see her like 2 hrs later finally. She ended up being very sleepy baby for the next few days, ended up needing blanket therapy for jaundice, i had to keep her in that blanket, i couldn't even hold her except for feeds. My milk came in on the 6th day, after I almost gave up and went to formual. That first week was just not how I imagined it. Over the enxt year I started to process it and things just didn't seem right somehow. I was still dealing with back pain which I'm sure was related to the birth.

Then I started looking into birth more and reading more about it. I was determined with my second that things would be different, very different! Well they were different alright. I had noticed blood tinged mucus at 24 wks and went in to get checked and I was 2-3 cm and water bag bulging. Oh boy!! So get to hospital and I was at 4 cm. Luckily I did make it 6 days on complete bedrest. The staff there was so much better. They really did their best to make me as comfy as possible. I expressed my wish that I didn't want a c-section and to deliver her natural without pain meds. They said fine, as long as she isn't breech when it's time. Luckily she was head down the time I had to deliver. I was checked when a nurse noticed blood on my sheets and I was at 10 cm. I never had any ctxs with her. They all came rushing in and I felt ctxs about 1/2 later. OB wanted to puncture my water because she was still floating about. My water bag never broke. I did push her out about 1 hr later, it was very easy physically. She came out intact in her bag. After she came out a tremendous release of pain came about me, not physical pain but emotional. I just cried and cried. I didn't even want to look at my baby, I thought she would die. They kept asking if I wanted to see her before they brought her to NICU and I said no, I can't. Took about hour before I finally settled down. This wasn't suppose to happen this way. I didn't go see my baby till 24 hrs later and even then it was brief. They told me I could touch her but I didn't want to touch her. I saw her for a couple mins and I had to leave. Looking back now, i feel so horrible about this. I mean how could I feel like that? why didn't I want to be with my baby? During the next 3 wks I barely saw her, never mind touched her. I didn't get to hold her till 3 wks after birth, I think it was this point that it all started to sink in. I was having major emotional issues going on with me. I ended up seeing a physchologist who specialized in these circumstances. It did help tremendously!

I am still dealing with both births today, although I don't think I'll truly be over them. I still cry when I think of them both. I cry whenever I drive by the hospital exit. I cry whenever I am driving alone (this is when I drove to see her everyday and I was alone and I used that time to let out my grief by crying so no one would see me)


It always feels good to me by talking about it and writing it out, I think that helps the healing in so many ways. It's always good to have others that understand.
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Old 07-20-2007, 12:39 PM
 
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Jennica, I am reading your letter to your hospital. did they respond?

I am wanting to do something to help c/s moms get their babies faster at the hospital I was in. I did not see my baby for 5 hours after he was born because I was still in recovery (no rooms available) and he was in the warmer in the nursery. how can I go about starting a campaign or something to make them hand over the babies even if there are no rooms in maternity?

Dara Mommy to Gabbie (4/05) , Zachary (6/07) , and Simon (8/10)
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Old 07-20-2007, 05:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Jennica, I am reading your letter to your hospital. did they respond?

I am wanting to do something to help c/s moms get their babies faster at the hospital I was in. I did not see my baby for 5 hours after he was born because I was still in recovery (no rooms available) and he was in the warmer in the nursery. how can I go about starting a campaign or something to make them hand over the babies even if there are no rooms in maternity?
Yes, they did respond. The midwife in charge, one who I had never met, called me a couple weeks after I sent the letter. She apologized on behalf of the hospital and told me that my experience would have been different if I had not been put in the L&D section, and they are going to look into fixing that. She said that portions of my letter would be used to help increase staff sensitivity to patients, and that portions of my letter would be shown to the hospitals board of directors to try to change policy. I never heard back again, and I don't know if any of those things every happend. She talked a little about the midwife who delivered my son and her reaction to my letter, which prove to me that she still didn't get it. She told me that the L&D nurses don't like working with the midwives or their patients, and vise versa, and that there must have been some tension there that I "picked up on". Yeah, : I just happened to "pick up" on the fact that they were horribly mistreating me. I asked her a few times, in a few ways, why ds was taken away from me when he was born, and while I was being stitched. All she could say was "well, that is not our policy, the midwives usually put the baby right on Mom, and the midwives usually don't take baby away while mom is being stitched because we find it keeps everyone calmer that way". She didn't answer why MY baby was taken away, and why MY midwife didn't stop this from happening. It just made me firmly believe that they were punishing me.

I think you have a great idea about trying to help the moms who deliver in your hospital. I would say try writing a letter first. Briefly explain your situation, and why it was unacceptable to you. Offer ideas as to how they could possibly change policy to accomidate this situation. End it by asking for what you want. This is something I didn't do in my letter because I didn't know what I wanted at that time. In fact the midwife who called me kept asking me "what do you want from writting this letter?" and I didn't really have an answer. So, at the end of the letter state that you want to be contacted and made aware of any changes made because of your letter, or something like that. Whatever it is that you want from it. If you do not recieve an answer or if the answer is unacceptable, then contact the hospitals Patient Represantative. Apparently every hospital has one, and it is there job to represent you, the patient. If you want me to proof read your letter or anything either pm me or post it here.
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Old 07-20-2007, 05:22 PM
 
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thank you Jennica, I will work on that! Who do you think the letter should be addressed to, the head of maternity? I am going to discuss this with my doctor and ask his support in advocating that his patients get to hold their babies right away, but I think once the baby is out of the mom the doctor doesn't have control anymore. I think it is then the maternity floor, is that right? thanks!

Dara Mommy to Gabbie (4/05) , Zachary (6/07) , and Simon (8/10)
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Old 07-20-2007, 05:46 PM
 
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Here is what I have so far. Advice would be great! thanks!

To Whom It May Concern:

On June 7, 2007 I gave birth to my second child at your hospital. I was planning on having a vaginal birth after a previous Caesarian Section, but my doctor felt it was necessary for me to have a repeat c-section. While I was not happy about the surgery, I was thrilled that my son was born completely healthy and with Apgar scores of 9 and 10.

When my daughter was born, also via c-section at your hospital, there were no rooms available on the maternity floor for 24 hours. I spent this time in a very uncomfortable recovery room where no one was available to help me breastfeed or care for my daughter. Yet, my daughter remained with me in the recovery room, and I was grateful. Therefore, I was surprised when after my repeat c-section I was not able to hold my son for the next 5 hours while I waited in the recovery room for a room on the maternity floor. I was told that my son needed to remain in the nursery until his temperature was regulated.

According to the AAP paper “Breastfeeding and the use of Human Milk” of December 1997, not only do AAP physicians recommend that all babies get breastmilk, they recommend that babies get it immediately. These guidelines call for breastfeeding to begin as soon as possible after birth, preferably within the first hour. Not only should the newborn feed, but he or she should also remain with the mother throughout the recovery period. Rooming-in with mother is recommended, and any procedures that interfere with breastfeeding or traumatize the newborn should be postponed. Therefore, I found it unacceptable that my son was not able to breastfeed until 5 hours after his birth.

Being that your hospital has a c-section rate of over 37%, I feel that the least you could do to facilitate mother / baby bonding is to allow mothers to hold and nurse their babies immediately following a c-section if there are no medical issues causing this to be impossible. I understand that it is your policy for the baby to go to the nursery while the mother is moved from recovery to post-partum, but it is important for mothers to be with their babies while they are in the recovery room, especially if they will be there for more than the first hour of their baby’s life.

I thank you for your consideration in this matter and would love to be made aware of any changes in your hospital policy regarding babies breastfeeding immediately following Caesarian Sections.

Dara Mommy to Gabbie (4/05) , Zachary (6/07) , and Simon (8/10)
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Old 07-21-2007, 03:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Here is what I have so far. Advice would be great! thanks!

To Whom It May Concern:

On June 7, 2007 I gave birth to my second child at your hospital. I was planning on having a vaginal birth after a previous Caesarian Section, but my doctor felt it was necessary for me to have a repeat c-section. While I was not happy about the surgery, I was thrilled that my son was born completely healthy and with Apgar scores of 9 and 10.

When my daughter was born, also via c-section at your hospital, there were no rooms available on the maternity floor for 24 hours. I spent this time in a very uncomfortable recovery room where no one was available to help me breastfeed or care for my daughter. Yet, my daughter remained with me in the recovery room, and I was grateful. Therefore, I was surprised when after my repeat c-section I was not able to hold my son for the next 5 hours while I waited in the recovery room for a room on the maternity floor. I was told that my son needed to remain in the nursery until his temperature was regulated.

According to the AAP paper “Breastfeeding and the use of Human Milk” of December 1997, not only do AAP physicians recommend that all babies get breastmilk, they recommend that babies get it immediately. These guidelines call for breastfeeding to begin as soon as possible after birth, preferably within the first hour. Not only should the newborn feed, but he or she should also remain with the mother throughout the recovery period. Rooming-in with mother is recommended, and any procedures that interfere with breastfeeding or traumatize the newborn should be postponed. Therefore, I found it unacceptable that my son was not able to breastfeed until 5 hours after his birth.

Being that your hospital has a c-section rate of over 37%, I feel that the least you could do to facilitate mother / baby bonding is to allow mothers to hold and nurse their babies immediately following a c-section if there are no medical issues causing this to be impossible. I understand that it is your policy for the baby to go to the nursery while the mother is moved from recovery to post-partum, but it is important for mothers to be with their babies while they are in the recovery room, especially if they will be there for more than the first hour of their baby’s life.

I thank you for your consideration in this matter and would love to be made aware of any changes in your hospital policy regarding babies breastfeeding immediately following Caesarian Sections.
I think that looks really good.

You might want to add something about how skin to skin contact with either parent has been proven to regulate a newborns temperature just as well as a warmer, since that is the reason they gave you for not allowing your baby to be with you (and if they used skin to skin contact they wouldn't need to bring a warmer into the recovery room, just the baby. They are likely thinking of the baby/warmer combo as an unseperatable unit).

Also, you touched on it not being advisable to interfere with breastfeeding in the first hours of life, but maybe you can add what might happen if it is interfered with. If you experienced any problems with breastfeeding include that, otherwise explain why it isn't advisable, they may not really be aware of this info.

Looks great, I hope it makes a difference.
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Old 07-21-2007, 01:44 PM
 
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i would love a forum like that...i think it would be really wonderful to have a place to go and talk about the many different kinds of ways you can have a disapointing or traumatic birth experience, and how to get over it!
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Old 07-24-2007, 08:41 PM
 
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i would love a forum like that...i think it would be really wonderful to have a place to go and talk about the many different kinds of ways you can have a disapointing or traumatic birth experience, and how to get over it!
yeah... i was thinking about this, and what was said about that other tribe that wants a forum.... thing is, there are so many issues here, it's really difficult to ... meet all the needs with just one (or two, or three, or ten) threads....
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Old 07-26-2007, 02:13 PM
 
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oh, just a little bumpity bump.... :

hugs, mommas!
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Old 07-28-2007, 01:55 AM
 
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Ah, bless you all - this is the kind of thread I was looking for!

My first daughter was born in the hospital, unmedicated pitocin-augmented vaginal birth, but with several interventions like a monitor, being in bed, IV, catheter, and being in horrible pain!

My 2nd was a home waterbirth. Three hours total, beautiful, perfect.

But its my third that has me upset... it was another planned homebirth but I was miserable for days before delivering. As I labored all day, and called the MW at night as contractions finally started getting stronger, I felt like something was different. Long story short, the contractions were irregular and HORRIBLE. So intense, I was begging to go to the hospital. I kept saying it felt wrong. MW, her horrible assistant and DH kept telling me that I didnt want to go to the hospital. The assistant was especially aggressive, telling me that the hospital would take 2 hours to get me an epidural and that it was too late for me. After enough dillydallying I told DH to take me to the hospital RIGHT NOW.

So we get to the hospital, I am at 7-8, I get an epidural immediately and I have maybe 5 contractions during it, I can feel the pressure and not the pain. Within an hour of getting it, I had delivered. Vaginally and everything was fine.

Then when my placenta came they saw what the problem was - an abruption. It had been detaching, bleeding, and clotting inside. The concealed blood hurts worse than if I had been bleeding vaginally. Having looked it up now, I see that it causes horrifying pain and irregular contractions, back pain, etc. I felt vindicated like "See, I told you UAs that something was wrong"

The baby and I are fine btw. Everything is good. I did get sick a few days later, probably some virus because both my other daughters got fevers too, it was horrible, had to go back to the Dr, thinking I had some horrible hospital infection, but anyhow I am fine.

I feel upset though... 1) the MW has not been supportive. She drained her tub and packed up before coming to the hospital. She made 2 comments after birth: "next time you can just skip me and come here" and "well now the insurance will pay the hospital and now me so you still have to pay me" When I told her about the abruption the next day she was not concerned, never expressed anything like "well im glad you went to the hospital, you were right to trust your instincts." that sort of thing. I still have not found the courage to confront her about any of this. 2) I feel like all the people I told about HB now look at me like, see thats why you shouldnt homebirth, your baby could have died, this is why you should be at the hospital. Even my dad said that to me - I feel like I have let down people and now they would never attempt homebirth. 3) I am judging myself, even though its not my fault what happened. I wish I hadnt had to go to a hospital. I wish I could just say "yeah she was born at home, easy as pie" but I cant.

It just was not the birth I had envisioned. Now I am off to read the rest of this thread to see how other people deal with disappointments. Thanks for letting me unload.

~Shannon~ Proud Mama of 3 girls, ages 7,4, and 2.
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Old 07-29-2007, 07:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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JessasMilkMama,

I'm sorry about your bith experience and it's really sad how your midwife treated you.

I am interested in what you said about the placental abruption. How did they determine that you had this? I ask because I had horrifyingly painful contractions and when Ds was born I lost a gush of blood and they were all very concerned, and the midwife had me push the placenta out right then and then everything was fine. She said that my placenta had started to detach which caused the gush of blood. She never said the word abruption though, but I wonder, this would explain the horrible pain that most people just can't seem to understand.
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Old 07-29-2007, 08:44 PM
 
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I had an extremely traumatic c-section birth after laboring naturally (drug-free) for over 30 hours, and totally thinking I was gonna be able to deliver naturally. I just was not prepared for a c-section because I built so many expectations on how I, like most "natural mommas" out there, was gonna be able to do it naturally too. And I think this is where my trauma began: I just wasn't prepared for the Plan B, wasn't ok with the idea of a c-section, wasn't ok with meds, and ended up with a big ol' slap in the face as I needed all those things in the end.

I see here a lot of pregnant moms and their captions "future water birth", "future home birth", if only I could tell them that that's not always the case and that they might be in for a surprise! You never know how it's gonna go. I thought I had EVERYTHING on my side (young age, great MW, doula, dh, excellent health history, etc etc etc), I have an oddly-shaped pelvic bone, and my baby just wasn't coming out after 5+ hours of intense pushing (her skull got deformed by this and she came out with a long pointy head - unlike the more subtle VB cone-shaped baby heads).

Luckily my MW helped me restore my confidence in my body through breastfeeding. BF really helped me heal from it all (physically and psychologically). Not totally though. I think about my C everyday when I look at the scar and remember all the frustration and disappointment.

: : :
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Old 07-30-2007, 12:06 AM
 
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I am so glad you guys are doing this thread -
I love this quote:
~finding my goddess self. this was huge for me.... because for me, birthing was going to be my ticket to Really Being A Woman... i read a ton of stuff on finding/healing the goddess within... i did a lot of yoga (slowly, as i could manage), did some chakra work, explored loads of new agey stuff... i felt that if i could imagine someone worthy of being a goddess who hadnt birthed vaginally (or, in the case of a non-c-s, hadnt birthed ideally/etc)... then surely, i could reclaim that goddess sense....
I had a rupture during the c-sec birth ( after being stauled at 10 cm for 12 hours - I been to the white place of total pain) of my only child 3 1/2 years ago.
For the last 8 months I have been going to mayan abdominal message. It's changed to process for me . I feel less broken. Although, everyday it crosses my mind...one child/broken womb/different for everyone else. Really old dumb tapes.
Last week during my message the scare tissue was movable for the 1st time and my whole body felt this rush of energy. My massuse said it was because the blood stagnates in the scare tissue...emotions of loss and regret have stagnated there too.
I've started making art about it...ripped paper and broken glass on wood planks. It's really interesting people love them and ask to buy them. It's amazing that out of something sooo deeply painful, so many years later it comes across and people relate.
Hang in their ladies, your stories have value, the dark side of the red tent is still an important thing to speak about.
-R
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Old 07-30-2007, 06:45 PM
 
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Would love to see some of that art, lady!
And I still think the natural parenting community needs to break some of these taboos regarding C's and also not being able to breastfeed - seems these two issues are regarded as a major failure on the mother's side most of the time(in the case of the C's is always a 'don't be fickle, they will always try to push C's on you-oh look, now you fell into their trap!'-kinda thing, and with BF is like "everyone can breasfeed"), without remembering that C's date back to Roman times and were a huge breakthrough (my friend volunteered in Africa as a doula and said women with stalled, 5-day labors are just left to die), and that yes, a lot of moms are lazy but some really cannot BF, and for that were wet nurses available throughout history.
Anyway. We should start talking about those issues more in the natural parenting world. Preferable not so judgmentally...
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Has mothering mag ever done an article on disaster births?/ I am so ready to write it. I'm realy tired of the sad faces, feeling so sorry for me. I'm sorry for myself too, but I am who I am with the experience that life has given me. What am I going to do.
I would love to post photos of my art. Is there a way to do that?
-R
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Hey mamas. If you have a question about new forums, it needs to go in Q and S or be PM'd to an administrator, and not discussed in FYT, as that is against the User Agreement.

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Old 07-31-2007, 01:24 AM
 
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I am so glad this thread started. Now I can share my birth story. First Iknow my story is not as nearly traumatic for me as some of the former stories are, but I still am having a hard time with it. I hesitate having another due to my inability to resolve this birth issue.

First a quick history:
Married Nov 05 said we were going to wait a year to concieve.
Jan 4 06: The stick turns pink.

I am a birth Doula and a lactation counselor so from the get go I new I was going to a gentle birth. I really wanted a home birth but Dh wouldn't have it. We agreed on a free standing birth center. I in a way did not feel like our condo was home so I agreed. Mt mom is a Lactation consultant (15) and in her former life was an l&d nurse (30) This comes in later.

My pregnancy was great. We only had one issue the big circ. I was no he was yes. Then at 37 weeks one of the midwives in the group (the one I disliked the most) noticed Ds had a heart arythemia. Next visit it was still there. She calls me the next day and said I had to go to Chioldrens Hospital in Boston and have a fetal electrocardiogram the very next day. They also were not sure of they were going to let me birth at the center. All of a sudden my worst night mare started to come true. So we went do the electrocardiogram and yes he had one but the Do said it was not deadly and that he would not change the birthplan. We did have to flex on our after birth plan. Originally we had planned to go home 4-12 hours after the birth. The said ds would have to stay overnight or a day for observation. Fine we agreed to go over to the hospita after birthing.

I carried 41 weeks and went into labor at 4:30 am
Called my Mom and our Doula
Everyone showed up around 8:30 my contractions picked up to evety 4-5 minutes. Then the vomitting began. Of course just because they allowed birthcenter patients to eat and drink what they wanted I could hold boo down. Since we were planning a h20 birth. I decided to go the birth center a little earlier because I did not have a tub. I am glad I did because I stayed in the h20 Until transition after that I felt better on land.
My labor went like clock work they only checked me 3 times By 4:24 I was fully and pushing. Then the hell began After 2.5 hours of pushing they had to consult the Dr on call because I was crowning and ds was not out. I was beyond tired. I begged for o2 because I felt like I could not get air. After three hours ds was not yet there. My mom the l&d nurse suggested an IV at the point I was severely dehydrated and accepted their offer. I have no regrets about that. By that point One of the two midwives had to leave and the other one who was 34 weeks pregnant at the time had been there since 7am had to be relieved the prengant stayed till the end. The new midwife came on and said that they had already broken every rule. And that they would let me push a couple more times. I had pushed in every position except for semi reclined on my back. Of course wouldn't know I made more progress that way. But my contractions were still much to weak. I felt no urge to push the whole time and ds has basically worked his own way down. After 3 and half hours ahe said the dreaded P word. So I had to be transferred over to the hospital for pitocin Iwas not happy. I sawmy whole birth flasahed before my eyes. I really thought I was going to end up with multiple interventions.
W get there and of course they hook up the pit and have to monitor me. Kt happy about that as well. The pit was not as bad as I thought it was finally at 8:32 ds came out. With the help f the midwife and lots of avocado oil ds came into this world with the worst molding they had seen on over a decade. I had a few labial tears, My perineum was fine. But ds was not fine. She put him on my belly. I couldn;t bring him up any farther because he had a very short cord. I new something was very wrong. His eyes were open but he was not breathing or crying and he very limp and blue. This was quite a shock to us because his heart rate was fine. The neonatology team was there because of the heart issue. My mother was very upset and practically wisked him off my body before the nurses could get to him. I was crushed. I planned on putting him to breast and now he was gone. I took them a while to stitch my little tears. In the meanwhile dh and my mom stayed with ds. The poor little gut went through so much. They have to deep suction to get all the fluid out, the xray him, and stick him a million times. They were very respectful of wishes no hepb nor emycin and vit k. He had a pretty bad hematoma on his head so I did have thm do the vit K. Dh came down crying and said their was no way we could circ him. I was relieved about that. But still had yet to hold my precious baby.Finally at 10:41 I went up tp the NICU to see my baby boy. he did not have a name yet. They would not let me hold him because he was not stable. They also said I could not nurse him until the morning. He was NPo until hi stridor was resolved. So stridor was the final diagnosis. They made me leave because I was hysterical and I went to my room to pump. Dh brought me food and went back to check on ds I really wanted to go back in, but I knew I would loose. I had Dh take my camera phone and take pictures of ds. I did not sleep a wink. I kept looking at his picture until my phone died. My real camera was dead (so we had no pictures of the birth which makes this whole story worse) . At 4:41 I awoke from a brief nap pumped again then went to the nicu to see id ds was okay. When I walked in a dif nurse was there. Ds was there all alone in the isolate withe two IVs and leads and and a lamp over him I wanted to die. But the new nurse said I could hold him. I was so happy I just wished they would let me nurse him. I sat in the rocker and sang "you are My Sunshine" and cried for and hour straight. At 9:30 We got the green light to nurse, Ds did great!!!!they told me I was going to have supplement with my pumped colostrum, I was fine as long as Ds could come home. 11:30 we get the bad news that ds has an infection and that he had to go on iv antibiotics. That meant two more days in the nicu. Things just kept getting worse. So two days later. Ds checks out healthy they said we could go home The next day. They actually let me stay the extra days. Dh and my mom stayed in the room too. They really tried to make the situation work. but the lack of birth bonding really killed it for me. It took me so long to bond with him. We do it all too. We exclusively bf,co sleep, and wear him. yet i took me forever to really get attached. I just hope that I can come to a resolve with this and make peace with his birth.

:CLC,Doula :Mama to 2
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Old 08-01-2007, 01:17 PM
 
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Ah, bless you all - this is the kind of thread I was looking for!

....

It just was not the birth I had envisioned. Now I am off to read the rest of this thread to see how other people deal with disappointments. Thanks for letting me unload.
I am glad you found it momma. huge hugs.

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I had an extremely traumatic c-section birth after laboring naturally (drug-free) for over 30 hours, and totally thinking I was gonna be able to deliver naturally. I just was not prepared for a c-section because I built so many expectations on how I, like most "natural mommas" out there, was gonna be able to do it naturally too. And I think this is where my trauma began: I just wasn't prepared for the Plan B, wasn't ok with the idea of a c-section, wasn't ok with meds, and ended up with a big ol' slap in the face as I needed all those things in the end.

I see here a lot of pregnant moms and their captions "future water birth", "future home birth", if only I could tell them that that's not always the case and that they might be in for a surprise! You never know how it's gonna go.
yes. i totally agree with you. i have written a bit about this in the c-s thread....

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Originally Posted by rebasea View Post
I am so glad you guys are doing this thread -
I love this quote:
~finding my goddess self.
.....
Last week during my message the scare tissue was movable for the 1st time and my whole body felt this rush of energy. My massuse said it was because the blood stagnates in the scare tissue...emotions of loss and regret have stagnated there too.
awww, thanks! and, wow. that makes so much sense!

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Originally Posted by Raio de Sol View Post
... I still think the natural parenting community needs to break some of these taboos regarding C's and also not being able to breastfeed - seems these two issues are regarded as a major failure on the mother's side most of the time ..... Anyway. We should start talking about those issues more in the natural parenting world. Preferable not so judgmentally...
again, yes. i totally agree with you. i have written a bit about this too in the c-s thread....

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Originally Posted by hipmummy View Post
I am so glad this thread started. Now I can share my birth story. First Iknow my story is not as nearly traumatic for me as some of the former stories are, but I still am having a hard time with it. I hesitate having another due to my inability to resolve this birth issue.

.... I just hope that I can come to a resolve with this and make peace with his birth.
oh, momma. huge hugs! i have heard the bonding thing being a problem for so many women. i think my traumatic birth therapist deals with this a lot. maybe you could find someone who does?

sending more hugs, mommas. :
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Old 08-02-2007, 08:08 PM
 
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JessasMilkMama,

I'm sorry about your bith experience and it's really sad how your midwife treated you.

I am interested in what you said about the placental abruption. How did they determine that you had this? I ask because I had horrifyingly painful contractions and when Ds was born I lost a gush of blood and they were all very concerned, and the midwife had me push the placenta out right then and then everything was fine. She said that my placenta had started to detach which caused the gush of blood. She never said the word abruption though, but I wonder, this would explain the horrible pain that most people just can't seem to understand.
They knew because the placenta was covered in clots - it had been detaching and then clotting inside. So all the bleeding was concealed.
It seems possible that your placenta could have been detaching early and that was causing the horrible contractions. I think a mother knows if something feels "off"

~Shannon~ Proud Mama of 3 girls, ages 7,4, and 2.
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Old 08-03-2007, 05:55 PM
 
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Hi,

I’m glad to have found this thread; it comes at a good time for me, as I am 7 weeks pregnant with our third child and dealing with lots of emotions about birth as I try to figure out what I'm going to do this time.

My first birth was a planned home birth with a direct entry MW. I interviewed three different MW’s and started with one only to switch to the DE MW in the end, b/c she said something about respecting the baby’s body and the mother’s body; her email address even began with “gentlehands”...

Hired a doula as well, who attended the last few prenatals, which were done in our home. We felt very comfortable with our choice and excited. The doula asked the MW during one visit whether she had any other clients who were birthing around the time of my due date. She said she had one in ALASKA, someone for whom she’d worked before, whose due date was a couple weeks from mine but she did not believe it would pose a problem b/c she thought I would be on time or early. We live in IL. THe doula commented that she still thought that sounded a little close.

I was six days past due date when labor began. We labored for hours before calling the MW and doula; I wanted the privacy. They showed up in the middle of the night and waited it out while I labored slowly. Finally she wanted to check me. 8 cm and “soft”, she said, and asked if I wanted her to break my waters. Before the word “NO!” came out (b/c we’d already discussed this), I felt her poke me and put her other hand to her mouth and say “whoops!”

I began laboring in water at that point. She asked if I wanted to push. I said I wasn’t feeling any urge. She told me to try pushing anyway. I started pushing. She said I was going to have to do better than that -- so I started grunting more and stuff, but my body wasn’t working with me b/c I wasn’t ready. This continued quite a while.

At some point, I started to feel my body transition to actual pushing stage, but I still wasn’t fully dilated so I was basically ramming my dd’s head repeatedly against a thick lipped, locked cervix. The midwife didn’t tell me what she was going to do next. I was standing, with my dh behind me to support, and she told me to push with the next contraction. Every time I did, up and in went her hand and arm and she started aggressively attempting to pry the cervix open the rest of the way. The pain of this far superceded the contractions and I nearly passed out. My voice was frozen in my throat and I couldn’t seem to get myself to kick her or scream or say stop.

No progress, and she told me to go to the bathroom, but I couldn’t. It was like my body was in shock or something. Plus, as the doula put it, my vaginal tissues were all hanging out of me like an orangatan’s butt, and she had never seen anything like it. I think she was intimidated or she might have questioned more. When my dh came in to the bathroom to find me in the shower, trying to will myself to pee, he said that he heard the MW talking and saying I’d have to go to the hospital if I couldn’t go to the bathroom, b/c she didn’t know how to do a catheter. I desperately told my dh to tell her I had urinated, even though I hadn’t. He started to cry b/c he was scared for me. So I said fine, I’ll go to the hospital. I got out of the bathroom and the midwife was gone. The doula noticed her hurriedly packing her stuff up and she helped the MW bring it to her car, thinking the MW was packing to leave for the hospital with us, AS PROMISED repeatedly in the prenatals. She just sped off.

Off we go to the hospital, with a very scared doula. I’m checked and at 9 cm with a lip, and the nurses have trouble finding where to put the catheter in b/c of the MW’s rape-like handiwork. I’m prepped for a section; they won’t let me continue to labor. I’m shaking so hard from exhaustion and anxiety that I can barely sign my name on the consent form, which breaks my dh’s heart to watch.

My daughter was born healthy, apgars of 9 and 9. Breastfeeding is easily established, I’m numb from the waist down in the recovery room, watching the doula hold my baby. I see my dh on his cell phone and he and the doula are talking, debating where the MW is, figuring she must have been scared, or why wouldn’t she see the birth through, as she promised, as we had paid her to do? (that’s another thing; my dh paid her a few months before the birth -- $1400 -- )

He reaches someone at the MW’s house, who says she isn’t there -- she’s on a plane to Alaska!! So the water breaking, telling me to push without full dilatation or the urge, trying to manually force the cervix back -- all maneuvers to speed me along b/c I was taking way too long and she had a plane to catch. If she'd just told us there was a conflict, we could have gone to the hospital and probably had a vaginal birth from the start.

It was stunning, the abandonment I felt, the betrayal, the breech of trust, not to mention the physical violation, which I later processed in professional counseling as sexual abuse. I had vaginismus for several months after the birth b/c of of the trauma, and so couldn’t have sex, which was an intimacy and connection that I desperately needed after the whole ordeal. I felt like a thing. Not female, not male, not woman, not even “real mother”. It was like I went through the whole nine months and 30+ hours of labor and then skipped a step and suddenly someone plopped a baby in my arms. Very bewildering and surreal and disorienting. The experience seemed to unlock some issues from my early childhood that further challenged me in my physical, emotional and mental recovery. I just kept crying and apologizing to my infant dd for putting her through it all.

We wrote the midwife in a very calm and professional manner, explaining the areas in which she failed to hold up her end of the deal. We requested a refund in full or we would seek legal action. She wrote back and refuted everything -- everything. My dh was so incensed by the letter (which he was reading while driving) that he had to pull over until he could calm down.

For my second birth, I could not bring myself to go into anyone’s office for prenatal care. I did my own prenatal care, I studied everything I could get my hands on and prepared for UC.

Again, a grueling 30+ hour labor, and then the pushing stage, but the pushing urges didn’t feel good like my first dd, they were unbearably painful. I felt like a horse being sexually tortured or something. It was very unreal. I kept trying though. At one point I felt my baby’s head with my finger, which is so much farther than with my first dd that it gave me hope. But the pushing stage rolled on, with incredibly painful but not very effective contractions. Whenever I pushed I began to see not clear fluid or blood but what looked like meconium. After a while of this, I checked in with myself: did I sense that this needed medical attention or was it was just my fear/exhaustion and I should push on. I knew they would cut me open if I went, so I felt a little like a sacrificial lamb, but I could not deny the sense I had that something was not right.

C-section with the on-call OB who was absolutely horrific. He chased my friend down the hall thinking she was our MW, and the following day when he came in to my room to check on the incision site, my dh had gone to breakfast, and wasn’t there. The doctor ripped the bandage off so quickly and roughly that it took some skin with it (think when you get a burn and you have raw skin there that stings to be touched, stings just being exposed to air.) My dh informed the nursing staff that he was not to enter our room again.

My second dd was born healthy though they pumped about 1.5 cups of meconium from her tummy. She did not aspirate any of it, thankfully.

Looking back to that, though I did get a second section, in some ways I feel like I had a UC anyway. I took myself healthfully through pregnancy and labor, I educated myself and prepared myself, I took responsibility for it. And I made the call if/when to transfer to the hospital for attention. I listened to my heart and my gut through the whole nine months and beyond, to that crucial point in labor. Nobody put their hands on me or in me, nobody used scare tactics against me.

But I do feel like I have some blocks psychologically or something that creates such long, drawn-out labors. And I mourned greatly over the loss -- again -- of a much dreamed for, planned for, and hoped for healing vaginal home birth. I did hypbirth cd’s with both pregnancies, but it didn’t seem to do much for me. I meditate regularly now, and may seek out the assistance of my meditation mentor for possibly some hypnosis sessions to see if I can dislodge whatever those blocks may be.

Sorry for the length of this; I have gained a lot from reading others’ stories and experiences here; most importantly, perhaps, that I am not alone and that what we take from our birth experiences can sometimes play a significant role in our lives as mothers. Thank you so much for starting this thread.

weegift333

ABC, born 03/03/03; IRC, born 03/18/06; baby #3, due 03/24/08
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Old 08-04-2007, 12:40 AM
 
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Hi,

The experience seemed to unlock some issues from my early childhood that further challenged me in my physical, emotional and mental recovery.
I'm in professional counseling right now to work through the issues surrounding DS's birth, his health issues and the loss of breastfeeding - and I'm finding this to be true for me as well.

I'm so sorry to hear about your violating and traumatic experience.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I truley hope you are able to find some peace with your decisions regarding this little blessing's arrival.

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Old 08-05-2007, 05:16 PM
 
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I meditate regularly now, and may seek out the assistance of my meditation mentor for possibly some hypnosis sessions to see if I can dislodge whatever those blocks may be.
......
I have gained a lot from reading others’ stories and experiences here; most importantly, perhaps, that I am not alone and that what we take from our birth experiences can sometimes play a significant role in our lives as mothers. Thank you so much for starting this thread.
I hope you can find something! I know chakra meditations helped me heal. But def trust your gut on that. Keep us posted! and, congrats on the pregnancy!

I am learning so much too. Our experiences with pregnancy and birth can be so powerful... and yet, finding help/sharing/info, for those of us who find ourselves in some way troubled by our experiences... seems so challenging. I just keep wondering why that is.
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Old 08-06-2007, 12:08 AM
 
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I worked with an EMDR therapist ( when my son was 18 months), processing the surgical aspects of the birth and that horrible moment when he was 2 days old when they told me that they were taking my son to the NICU because they suspected spinal menigitis. He didn't have it, but we did practice attachment parenting in the NICU, having a 24 hour rotation with me, my wife and our mothers for 7 days.
The counselor and I worked on these stories until I felt I had my power back, that I could not change the details, but that it was not my fault and I could move forward. Remember Trauma memories are laid down deeper in our brains because of the hormones being released when we are scared. Thats way they are so hard to processes.
Take care,
R
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Old 08-06-2007, 07:25 PM
 
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Interesting...I'm glad EMDR worked well for you. I have not had success with it under the guidance of a therapist, and I was doing that through most of my second pregnancy, and some again more recently. Meditation practice has done more to begin to dislodge some things in my brain and body's memory than any therapy I've tried so far. I've even occasionally combined meditation and holding a thought lightly in my mind and then moving my eyes back and forth (while they're closed) during the meditation; this has yielded some interesting and surprising connections / results. You can do a similar thing in a moving meditation, looking from left to right while walking. Apparently that is sort of how EMDR was developed (from someone taking a walk and sorting through some personal problems and looking to one side and the other, and having breakthroughs.)

I agree, though, we do carry things very deeply and sometimes it is our body's responses that is all we have, if we cannot remember things because our brains are sort of running interference and protecting us from knowledge that we may not be ready to assimilate yet.

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Old 08-06-2007, 07:43 PM
 
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Hello mommies.

Basically i should have not had a baby, because i was already kinda sick. And we all know that a sick body does not handle pregnancy nor birth well, or efficiently.

Basically had awful problems with severe morning sickness, panic attacks, arrhythmias and exacerbated neuropathy. I felt like literally killing myself all throughout pregnancy as awful as that sounds.

I knew my birth would be bad. Don't ask me how i just knew it.

32 hour labor ( which i think was very much influenced by my supine position ) i did the first 20 w/o any pain meds. ( i know! )

Became ceserean after two days of no sleep and i was still pushing...i was so exhausted i started to black out. They went to cut into me and i could feel it. I think i screamed they told me to shut up , i was freaking out and scared ( of course ! ) They injected me with something and everything went white...i thought i had died.

I woke up w/ a racing heart rate well above 100, i drunkenly asked why , no answer...kept falling in and out of sleep. They showed my my daughter but i was so heavily sedated i didnt really notice her. They put her on my breast and i dozed off again. I woke up , my heart was racing faster.

I found out that because of my prolonged labor my uterus had trouble contracting back down and i lost alot of blood because of it. I almost lost enough to require an emergency blood transfusion. They were really pushing for one but the though of having another persons blood in me really freaked me out. I said no, id do it myself. I had alot of trouble sleeping that night because of the palpitations and the fact that id been up two days in labor w/o any sleep.(sleep deprivation gives me insomnia)

I developed really high fevers, and slight pneumonia. Did my best to breast feed her part time, but i was so sick . Fevers kept going for a bout a week and i was held there until they went away, they had me on 24/7 IV triple-antibiotic therapy to combat septicemia. I cried every night in the hospital, and i was scared.

When i was finally Stayed with my parents and about a week into that i developed Chronic Fatigue, which seriously scared me at first ( not being able to move from exhaustion )i continued to have low grade fevers, and was also given antibiotics i was allergic to. I also battled strange symptoms, and severe insomnia from time to time. The fatigue and the insomnia were the worst. But the doctors just told me i was depressed and that it was in my head. No one would listen to me. it was absolute hell!

About two weeks in i was in the bathroom and a rotten chunk of flesh fell out of my vagina, not completely but it was hanging there. I started to freak out. My husband came in and i called the ER they had no idea what it could be. We went there and i waited about 2 hours with that thing hanging out of me. Finally we got a room and the doctor explained i may have a prolapsed uterus, and that it could be surgically repaired, at this time i started crying, i just couldnt handle anymore, i was so sick i was unable to care for my newborn baby girl and it tore me up inside, and now i was going to have my uterus surgically repaired??

However he lifted up my gown and i could see the look on his and the nurses face...it was definitely NOT my uterus. The nurse began shaking her head in dismay "...that is not supposed to be there " she said.

The surgeon had failed to remove a thick 9 inch, infected chunk of placenta. And it had been poisoning my body...and the 24/7 antibiotics had wiped out all of my good internal flora. I still believe this was the instigator of my now chronic condition with which i still suffer. I do not know if i will ever fully recover from it. I have alot of anger inside me.

I feel robbed of the important bonding that takes place after birth, and the first few weeks of her life. She rarely saw me. She saw my mom. The first year after her birth she was raised by my mom. I started to take over more after that time but i still have times that i need her to take my daughter because i am sick with one thing or another. I am angry at the surgeon , i am angry at the staff for allowing my birth to become so complicated.

I am angry that we were so poor, that we couldnt afford a midwife. I feel that i probably wouldnt be sick llike this nor, went through all that hell had i had a MW.

Sadly i cannot take any of this back.
I just pray to god he will give me my health back someday, and perhaps have a healthy experience with pregnancy and child birth.
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Old 08-06-2007, 07:47 PM
 
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I do want to ask the mammas though...

My daughter went into fetal distress...i beleive i was also
on pitocin ...which caused me to have very painful very
violent contractions...

is this what possibly caused her distress?
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Old 08-07-2007, 12:54 AM
 
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All of these stories just remind me that the process can go so wrong. But still my 3 1/2 y/o c-sec/nicu/formula kid is normal, healthy and thriving. And I am an honest woman about birth and raising kids to my friends. It's just really hard even when everything goes right and if everything goes wrong - it's a lifetime of "what if's and why me?". I had 2 post-csec uterine infections - I was on antibiotics all the time, pumping and tossing ( and crying) while my son had formula , trying to keep my supply up. So many horrible moments in those first 6 months of his life.
It's funny watching my friends have kids now and seeing that my experience was sooo much more complicated. I often tell my self, " G-d gave me this birth because she knew I could handle it". One more badge from the hard knocks club. I know now how fragile our bodies are and am haunted that 100 years ago I would have died in the process. I'm trying to live my life like I'm supposed to be here, doing good work in the world. I have developed this whole series of guided meditations/coloring sheets, based on the images and colors of the chakras, for healing for a manuscript I'm creating. And it all comes from this. How do you heal the pieces to become whole after things go so wrong.
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