disappointing, or traumatic birth experiences (and moving on from them) tribe - Page 7 - Mothering Forums
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#181 of 321 Old 01-04-2008, 11:07 PM
 
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Grieving birth experience - X posted from Life with a Babe

I will start by saying that I have two gorgeous, healthy children that I am grateful for every day and although my births didn't go exactly as planned, it could have been much worse. I had exceptional care and truly feel that I was in charge of all the decisions pertaining to my pregnancy and birth experience. I know how lucky I am. That said, last night I had an anxiety attack about my most recent birth, which was followed by an hour of sobbing and grieving the loss of my "ideal" birth experience.

I had planned a homebirth for my dd but after ten hours of very slow progress (I'd only dilated about four cm by this point) and extreme fatigue my midwife and I decided to transfer so that I could have a shot of pitocin and a nap before pushing. Resting required an epidural. And an IV, and a catheter and continuous fetal monitoring. All the things I had wanted to avoid. On the positive side, I was able to birth vaginally with only a small tear, and DH and I made a break for it and headed home several hours after the birth to sleep with our new babe at home in our own bed. My recovery was great.

My second birth was an absolutely wondrous experience. I laboured effectively, working with my body to birth my darling son. DH and I worked in beautiful partnership to breath through contractions. We went out for lunch in the afternoon, had dinner with family, went for a walk, had a bath together and a nap and then, at around 8pm started timing contractions. I called the midwife right after I got up from my nap and she came right over. I was shocked when she said I was "at least" five cm dilated. I was able to develop a real rhythm through the contractions, moving around the house and dropping to a deep squat with each tightening. DH provided solid counter pressure on my hips which helped a lot. I loved every minute of my labour and birth.

We finished filling the pool as the second midwife arrived and I got in right away. I laboured for about half an hour before I felt the urge to push. No transition to speak of - I was mentally present and calm throughout. When I said that I felt the urge, my midwife said "well, push then" and had a sip of her tea. During the second push she listened to my belly. Heartrate was good. I pushed for less than 20 minutes, talking and laughing in between. When the head was out I was able to relax and breath. It was peaceful. When I was ready I gave a little push and his body glided out effortlessly. Lifting my newborn son out of the water was amazing. My midwives were unintrusive and my sister and dh provided loving support. My parents waited anxiously at a nearby hotel with my 22 mo old dd. It was her first sleep-over and she loved it!

The excitement started shortly after his peaceful entry, as we waited to birth the placenta. After a fairly long wait, the midwife tried to guide it out and one of the vessels detached and the bleeding started. The cord had a velementous insertion, which means that instead of the the three vessels being intertwined and wrapped in a tough protective membrane they were individually attached to the placenta like a tripod. If the cord had been across the cervix, it might have ruptured and the baby would have bled out instantly.

After trying pitocin (unseccessfully) to stop the bleeding and ambulance was called. The paramedics couldn't get the stretcher through the baby gate, so I had to walk to the hall. I passed out on the stretcher and woke to a EMS attendant saying "stay with us, Diane". The ambulance ride was uneventful, even interesting, as the attendant explained processes and procedures to a trainnee. Once we got to the hospital I was taken to L&D and seen instantly be an OB and a resident. The anastesiologist (now that is a word I will never know how to spell!) came and gave me a shot of something lovely that took the edge off the whole bizarre experience. My midwife was by my side looking into my eyes and holding my hand. DH was in the room speaking softly to our bright eyed hour-old son.

I heard the resident say something like "I'd really be more comfortable in the OR", followed by the OB encouraging her to "give it a try manually". At that point she put her hand into my uterus (!) and removed the retained placenta. Thankfully the OR was not necessary - because, let me tell you, after a totally sublime water birth I would have been pretty upset about being cut open!! I'm also glad the resident did the procedure, because the OB had hands the size of hams! It all happened fairly quickly, but of course was followed by an IV, catheter, antiobiotics, lab tests and continuous monitoring throughout the night. In the morning I checked myself out against medical advice and went home. My hemoglobin was low (I don't remember the exact number) but nobody mentioned a transfusion or even haemorage at that point, and despite the fact that I had lost almost 2 litres of blood it didn't occur to me that I would be severely anaemic. Can I even call my son's birth "natural" given that it was followed by all this intervention?

I lay in bed for two days with a severe headache (it felt like I had been shot) while my family looked after Harlan. They brought him in to nurse and sleep and I did nothing. On day 4, my midwife convinced me to go back to hospital to get my hemoglobin checked. It was 60 - even lower than the initial test and the OB recommended a transfusion. This meant another night in hospital, with DH sleeping on a mat on the floor and my gorgeous homebirthed baby wrapped in a hospital gown, a hospital hat and blanket and sleeping in a stupid plastic box. We were both exhausted and didn't want to drop him, especially on the disgusting hospital floor. Did I mention that DH defended his Masters Thesis 36 hours after the birth? I was reluctant to have a transfusion, but I left the hospital feeling like a million bucks, so I don't regret that at all.

I am grateful for so many things. The excpetional quality of care from both the hospital staff and my midwives; the safe arrival of both my children; my vaginal births and quick recoveries, and the loving support of my family, especially DH. But I am still sad that I will never experience the birth that I'd dreamed of. I'm pretty sure this is our last baby, although I'm having a hard time saying with certainty that we're done.

I'm sad that the last thing in my womb will have been a doctor's hand and not my beloved baby. Although I'm trying to reframe this perspecitve - to see it as a gentle human hand rather than a scalpel. Some sort of intervention was inevitable. My cervix had snapped shut and I was bleeding heavily.

I think I may be more eager to try for a "perfect" birth than to have another child, if that makes sense. I even feel a little selfish for feeling this way, especially after reading about so many other experiences that were so much more traumatic and even tragic in outcome. I just want to be able to think about my babies births without part of my brain immediately engaging to block out the more unpleasant aspects.

Thanks for reading this. Writing it has been the next step in coming to terms with my disappointment and filling the space with joy and gratitude and I would appreciate any insights or experiences that you may be willing to share. Even though my DH tries hard to be empathetic, I really think that these feelings may resonate more personally with other women.

Diane

Diane, SAHM to DD (June 05) and DS (April 07).
::::
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#182 of 321 Old 01-05-2008, 12:08 AM
 
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I posted this in response to another post, but think this tribe is a wonderful idea, I only wish, as well as the rest of you do, that it didn't have to exist.
My son was born @ 36 weeks (my first baby) with an infection by emergency c-section (his heart rate dropped rapidly several times.) after being induced hours before. They were preparing to start the pitocin when his heart rate dropped. Suddenly there was a flurry of activity as they laid me on my side and gave me oxygen- scary! After a little while the doctor came in and said if the heart rate dropped again they would have to get him out right away- at that time the monitors started beeping like crazy and she said we'd have to do a c-section. I asked if I had time to go to the bathroom, which they allowed me to do, thankfully.... as I needed a minute to cry at the loss.... of my natural birth (I had wanted a water birth...)
The activity in the OR was very unnerving, the epidural was administered and all of the sudden there were doctors and a team to take the baby to the NICU once he was out, which was less than 10 minutes after I was taken into the O.R. They started cutting before my fiancee was even in the room.
I had a reaction to the morphine they put in my epidural, so while Logan was joining the world, my fiancee Brian was holding a tray for me to throw up in. What a birth story.
I didn't even get to hold him after the procedure, and Brian followed the team into the NICU and I got stitched up. I spent 4 days in the hospital, and only got to hold Logan in the recovery room for about 5 minutes. I made my sister take him because I was starting to shake and go into shock.
Visiting him only 10 hours after the surgery was the hardest, most painful thing I have ever done, both emotionally and physically. I walked down there, clear to the other side of the hospital, only to watch my husband hold him on the other side of the thick glass. I'd had shingles two months before, and they weren't sure I was clear, though not one "doc" ever looked to see. Don't NICU docs go to medical school? On the third day my Mom came to visit us in the hospital, and she harassed the staff until finally one of the said doctors came and looked and pronounced me not contagious. It had been 72 hours since I had been able to hold the baby who had started life in my womb.
To make matters worse, because of some complications, my c-section incision was made low, because of the angle of my uterus and tilted cervix, so I will never be able to have a vaginal birth.
It has been hard living with the disappointment of this birth, and now, to make matters worse, our son has allergies and a possible clotting disorder. I am thankful I have been able to stay strong, though not always. Our son is colicky and very fussy.... but I wouldn't change a thing about it. We will survive.
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#183 of 321 Old 01-06-2008, 08:00 PM
 
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It has been a little over 8 months since my daughter's crappy hospital birth after planning a home birth. I have days here and there when it's not so bad, when I can think about other things, even feel happy. But at least every three days I am back to flashes of rage and misery all day, when I wake at night, when I drive, when I see anything to do with babies, hospitals, IVs (especially), birth, or the like. I have seen 4 different therapists, and I have talked to the people involved in the birth. It wasn't *that* bad compared with some people's experiences, really I know some women would be tickled to have my experience better than theirs. I can't figure out how to make it less bad in my head, how to reframe it, whatever to lessen the effect it has on my daily life. I am stuck in that 36 hours that we were at the hospital, and I relive it over and over and over and over, day after day after day after day. I tell myself that they will never hurt me or my baby again, that they can never touch us again and that it's in the past, but still....nothing. I am driving myself crazy. It has driven a wedge between myself and my partner who thinks I am awfully ungrateful for our daughter (no, she really doesn't get it) and we had a fight last month where she convinced me that I was mentally ill with a personality disorder when I know that I am not, I am just fighting with this internally and couldn't tell her about it because that would just prolong the fight. Why can't this ease .... I have tried the EFT tapping thing, didn't help. I saw Pam England in person a couple of times, which was cool, but didn't do a lot to ease this. How do you all make it from day to day, or even just from panic/rage attack to panic/rage attack?

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#184 of 321 Old 01-07-2008, 12:10 AM
 
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#185 of 321 Old 01-08-2008, 01:16 AM
 
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i havent read this entire thread yet but i plan on doing so. i want to say to all of the mamas that have posted their stories and experiences how strong they are to have dealth with terrible things but continued to strive and take care of themselves nad their babies. i also had a traumatic experience, perhaps not as bad as some posted here, but traumatic for me nonetheless. here is my story, copied from an email written earlier today.

My birth experience is still very hard for me to talk about. This is the first time I've written it all out so please excuse the length of this email.

Quote:
My name is Rae. My mother had 3 home births. I was delivered by Tavish Brinton and for as far back as I can remember always wanted her to be my midwife when I finally had babies of my own. My husband ans I got married 15 October 2006 and started TTC immediately. By mid-January we were pregnant. My husband is Active Duty Army. About 2 weeks before we found out we were pregnant we found out he would be deploying to Iraq in July. We started seeing an OB on post (Ft. Gordon, GA) and I also contacted Tavish and began seeing her. After a couple of checkups with teh OB I mentioned my plans of homebirth with my midwife to him. My midwife then took over all my prenatal care. I have tons of family in Columbia so we decided that it would be best to buy something there, especially since he would be deploying (and then gone for 15 months) before the baby came.

My EDD was 23 September 2007. I had about 3 days of early labor starting on 24 September. Finally went into active labor on 27 September around 5pm. My mom had been staying with me since the early labor started. Once things really started going she called my best friend (who had agreed to be my birth coach since my husband could not be there), my sister, and my midwife (Tavish). I was in active labor for 18 hours at home. Back and forth from the birth pool to the matress we had brought into the living room. I had lots of lower back pain. I dilated to 9.5cm, but then started to regress. Te next time Tavish checked me i was at 8cm...then 6.5cm....it seemed my baby didnt want to come out. Tavish decided that we needed to go to the hospital. She believed baby was in the occiput posterior (which would explain the back labor) and stuck. I was terrified.

Once at the hospital they hooked me up to monitors and IVs. They said i could get IV pain meds or an epidural if I wanted. I was so so tired. I just wanted to rest but the contactions, even though they had slowed down, wouldn't let me. I finally decided to get the IV pain meds so that i could get a little bit of rest. They started me on pitocin to get my cervix to open back up. That made the contractions even worse and eventually even the IV drugs wouldn't help. And the pitocin didnt work. I never progressed past 6.5cm once we were at the hospital. I opted for the epidural. I finally got a little bit of much needed sleep. Around 4pm on 28 September the Doctor came in to discuss my options with me. By this time i had been in active labor for about 23 hours. He said we could wait a few more hours to see if I would progress or we could go ahead with surgery. After talking to my mom about it I decided to have the surgery. Baby wasn't moving, I wasn't progressing, and I was exhausted.

My baby Asher was born at 5:38pm by cesarean at Richland Memorial. He weighed 9lb 6.8oz and was 20.5in long.

Everyone at the hospital was nice. No one talked down to me or made negative remarks about my having tried for a homebirth and failing. Overall my hospital experience was great. but it was just that. a hospital experience. what i had wanted was a homebirth experience.

My whole birth experience, on the other hand, made me feel like a failure. I was so sure I could have my baby at home. So sure that my body was made to birth babies and that I could do it. So sure of everything. I didnt prepare myself for the possibility of things going wrong, of not working out the way I wanted them to. My body failed me, failed my baby. People tell me I should be happy that I'm ok and that my baby is happy and healthy, and I am. I am happy that hes here and doing wonderfully. But I can't help feeling terrible about the way things happened. I didn't find out until afterwards *just about a month ago actually) that midwives can't do VBACs in SC. I feel like I've started the grieving process all over because of that. Now I will never get to have the experience I tried for originally. Having my baby in the safety and security of my own home. I suppose my story isn't as traumatic as some others may be. But for me it was traumatic enough. I've had a very hard time dealing with it. Every time I start to think I am doing ok with it something comes back to mind about it or reminds me of it.

I suppose, with time, I will be ok. Perhaps things would be easier if my husband wasn't in Iraq. He will be gone until October 2008 (that's as of right now, you never know, he could get extended) By the time he gets home Asher will be over a year old, walking, talking, growing up...and he wont know his daddy.

Ok, so now I've gotten off subject so I'll stop. That is my birth story. And I've cried over it once again while writing this out.
just glancing over this has made me cry again. i cant seem to stop the thoughts of failure from popping into my mind. i have been thinking of going to a couselor. has anyone else here tried couseling? did it help you at all?
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#186 of 321 Old 01-08-2008, 01:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by TynkerTyger View Post
just glancing over this has made me cry again. i cant seem to stop the thoughts of failure from popping into my mind.
Oh sweetie. Failure? Really? It was nothing of the sort. You had to make a choice to help your baby, and you did the right thing. It was something you'd had planner for... all your life, it sounds like. There is nothing wrong with disappointment. We all dwell. My story, too, was traumatic. I blamed myself for my son's infection, (they never knew what it was or how he caught it) for his 36 week birth, for the time he spent in the NICU.... I still haven't let it go. In time, perhaps. I have an Appointment with a therapist Wednesday. We'll just have to start at the beginning....
You are doing something incredible raising your little one while your husband is in Iraq. Much love to you all....
and many of these as well...



To quote a wise woman....

Quote:
Originally Posted by valkyrina View Post
Something that has helped me tremendously was to talk to someone I know who also had a traumatic c-section experience. The thing that she said to me that has really stuck with me was:
"What an act of love that is, to lay yourself down on a table and allow someone to literally cut you open to save someone you love. Who else but a mother would do that?"
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#187 of 321 Old 01-09-2008, 10:16 PM
 
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*subbing, I will be back soon
We need a forum

---feeling like an emu on acid---
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#188 of 321 Old 01-15-2008, 07:53 PM
 
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subbing too.

I want to come back here when i have time to share our story.

stillheart.gif The Hippie & the Marine stillheart.gif  hh2.gif
My boys: S (4) & O (2) & Expecting #3 in Dec. 2011

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#189 of 321 Old 01-16-2008, 03:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been reading all the new posts here. It's so sad. We so need a forum so we can talk about how to heal from all this!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TynkerTyger View Post
By the time he gets home Asher will be over a year old, walking, talking, growing up...and he wont know his daddy.

i have been thinking of going to a couselor. has anyone else here tried couseling? did it help you at all?
First, I wanted to say that my sister's Dh just got back from Iraq a few months ago. He left the week after Dn was born, and came back when she was about 15 months I think. He used to talk to Dn on the phone and he made her a DVD where he just went all out and acted goofy and read her stories and played with a puppet and talked to her like he was there with her. When he came back she knew exactly who he was. She ran into his arms and said "daddy" the day he got home and when we were with them just a week later she was totally bonded to him, called him Daddy, and wanted him all the time. Just thought you might like to know that.

Also, yes, I'm in therapy. I think it's a great experience for me, though a slow process because so many other things have come up and I'm just really resistant to aspects of it. I recommend finding a therapist who is at least familiar with PPD, if not birth trauma. You can find one in your area on Postpartum Support International's web site.
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#190 of 321 Old 01-16-2008, 04:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Vancouver Mommy View Post
I will start by saying that I have two gorgeous, healthy children that I am grateful for every day
Diane
Damn girl, can you write. Your story really moved me. Yes by all means can you call that a natural child birth.
I hope you feel a little lighter mama.
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#191 of 321 Old 01-16-2008, 02:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jennica View Post
I've been reading all the new posts here. It's so sad. We so need a forum so we can talk about how to heal from all this!

First, I wanted to say that my sister's Dh just got back from Iraq a few months ago. He left the week after Dn was born, and came back when she was about 15 months I think. He used to talk to Dn on the phone and he made her a DVD where he just went all out and acted goofy and read her stories and played with a puppet and talked to her like he was there with her. When he came back she knew exactly who he was. She ran into his arms and said "daddy" the day he got home and when we were with them just a week later she was totally bonded to him, called him Daddy, and wanted him all the time. Just thought you might like to know that.

Also, yes, I'm in therapy. I think it's a great experience for me, though a slow process because so many other things have come up and I'm just really resistant to aspects of it. I recommend finding a therapist who is at least familiar with PPD, if not birth trauma. You can find one in your area on Postpartum Support International's web site.
I'm so glad for your niece and her daddy. I worry at times that my DD won't know my parents (living 1200 miles away) but they talk on the phone to her.

Thank you for starting this thread.

Mama to 2 year old and :: June 14th!
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#192 of 321 Old 01-16-2008, 03:06 PM
 
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(X-posted from vbac)

I had a really traumatic experience with the birth of my DD almost 4 months ago.

I know part of it is *kind of* my fault, because I was terrified of going in to the army hospital to give birth. I just kept having all kinds of moments where I'd just go into a panic attack, because I was SO SCARED of the hospital. Not really of giving birth, just the hospital. Trouble was, I didn't have a whole lot of choice as active duty. There aren't many midwives around here, and anyhow, I'd have to pay for them out of pocket, and to make matters worse, if I DID need a hospital transfer, I'd probably get in a lot of trouble for not just going in when they told me to go in... So I felt trapped into going there. Now, I thought that because I was in the midwife program I'd stand a better chance,,, but only if this ONE midwife was on duty. The other ones got so-so reviews. Anyhow.
When labor came it was pretty slow until I decided I wanted to go to bed, and then got in the tub to try and stop the contractions. Apparantly that relaxed me enough that they just sped up and got a lot stronger. so with my contractions lasting about 90 seconds and two minutes apart, DH says if we're going we gotta go NOW, and calls our doula, who we hadn't had come over yet because it was really slow going... Anyhow, doula gets there, they help me out, and pack the car... as I'm waiting to get in the car, I have a panic attack again (only, inside, so DH and doula didn't know) and they slow down. I didn't want to go... but I didn't say anything. I think I was afraid of Jinxing myself, and I didn't *really* want to give birth at home with my 17y/o little brother and my DH's best freind/roommate there as well... So we went to the hospital in rush hour traffic, and by the time we got there (an hour and a half later) my ctx had slowed to 6 min apart, and I was only 3 cm... So I wanted to go home, but I also didn't want DH to drive home just to turn around and come back b/c we'd been up pretty much all night. We decided to walk around outside for a while, I got my membranes stripped, and then came back. At that point, I was 4 cm and they started REALLY wanting me to get into the room now... I didnt know why they were all of a sudden really wanting me in there at the time, but now I know it's because some Jerkoff of an OB had written in my chart that because I refused to be induced, I was going to have a STILLBORN. Yeah right, buddy. anyhow, They didn't let me leave, and we were told DH could take a nap and I could get into the tub... So... SInce I really wanted to get in the tub, we didh't put up with too much fuss. Of course, THEN they wouldn't let me in the tub for 2 hours, and they kept telling me I couldn't get out of bed, etc, etc, when ALL I WANTED was to get in the freaking tub. I had already refused an IV/heplock of any kind, and I JUST wanted to get in the tub. But baby's HR was at 170 (and you could SEE her bopping around in there!) so they wouldn't let me until she fell asleep and HR dropped to 150. By that time I was so worked up it was all I could do not to cry. SO I got in the tub, and after about 10 minutes I just started shaking like a leaf, convulsing. Teeth chattering, couldn't talk, the whole bit. SO then they're like, Oh, must be transition! and they pull me up, while I'm trying to tell them I'm NOT in transition, I'm not even having any contractions anymore... and then the MW doesn't ask, just shoves her fingers up there to check me.... At which point the shaking stopped... I know what the shaking was, I'm pretty sure it was adrenaline like nobody's business, or the adrenaline withdrawal. It's the way you feel after you get REALLY angry at someone and just start shaking instead of ripping off thier head. So I got out of the tub and stayed out, I think because I was afraid of that happening again, and I was afraid to relax in some strange part of my brain that wasn't talking to the rest of me. (NOW I know this..) Anyhow, after a few hours they offered to break my water... I was still waiting for anything significant to happen, said I didn't want to be on the clock, etc, etc, at which point they told me that I was ALREADY on the clock... that's why the offer to break my water. so... I thought about it and then I was like, yeah, whatever let's just get this done... so I let them.
and then an hour later they come in and want to check me. I"m like, UH, NO you just broke my water are you on crack!! and they continued this for about 5 hours, when I was like, NO. WHat part of that don't you understand. You can use a sterile speculum to LOOK and that's it... SO they agree, and then they come in, and they HAD the speculum, but instead they're like, "Oh, wait, you're active duty... So... I'm just going to give you a little check." ANd there's fingers in my hoo-ha again. I was like, WTF! I SAID no Vag checks!! and they're like, Oh, gee, You're only 4 and half... and I think you just reversed... and I"m sitting there going, Oh, no sh*t I wonder why. SO they offer me pitocin,.
and this continues every hour, and as the time passes they're like, so what do you THINK you're going to do to speed things up if you won't let us use pitocin? etc, etc, anyhow. hours pass and then a nurse comes in and she's like, "Oh, I"m so glad you consented to the pitocin" as she starts pulling every thing out... I told her, WTF I did NO SUCH THING. and DH told her she'd better get out there and find out who said that....
Anyhow, so a few hours later, the MW comes in (this is after two shift changes) and she's like, "Well, here's the story. I"m active duty and you're active duty, so I can order you to do whatever we deem medically necessary. Your water has been broken for XYZ hours, and if you don't have the baby by 23 hours later, then you have no choice but a C/s. So shall we start the pitocin now or in an hour?" I told her to get out, if she did ANYTHING to me then I'd file charges for assault, and she told me I didn't have that option as active duty, and walked out. DH tried to calm me down because I was about a foot off the floor and FREAKING out (wouldn't you?) sent everyone out, and we tried to relax, etc. our Doula helped me get more comfortable, we did everything we could think of to get things moving, but it just wasn't working--most likely because I was SO incredibly stressed out. MW comes in again, and says, "Ok, in an hour we're gonig to do a check and see... If you're not at least at 7 cm, then we will start pitocin. " I again requested a sterile speculum instead, but noooo, can't do that. SO then they come in, and tell me to get on the bed because they have to check, and I'm like, I really don't want to do this, and MW is just like, Well, too bad. I'm only 4 cm at this point , so they go and pull an OB in, who comes and talks to me, tries to get me to be all nice and complacent, and suchlike. The guy was really nice, and under other circumstances, I'm sure I would have liked him. But ... He was still in there to get me to sign the paper for Pit. I never did sign it, but they started an IV, and then the continuous monitoring, and then all of a sudden, they walked in and told me, We're going to do a C/S now. I'm like, the HELL you are, I went in the bathroom, they came in to get me out, tried to tell me the baby was in distress, etc etc. I looked at the monitor, and ... I"m sorry, but... They were SO full of it. the baby's HR and mine were EXACTLY the same, change for change. I'm not going to buy that that was REALLY my baby's HR when I can FEEL her moving around and kicking.. You could SEE her from across the room. And her HR is REALLY less than 100? I don't think so. Anyhow, I aksed for verification from another machine, a doppler, a fetoscope, hell, even a blood gas test, but they wouldn't do any of it. they HELD ME DOWN on the bed like an animal, I tried to change positions, got on my hands and knees for a whole contraction, and they pulled me down again. This all went on for about an hour and a half... Then I finally "consented" to the C/S. I wanted to sign the papers and put UNDER DURESS on them, but I barely finsihed writing my name and they snatched them out of my hand. (I didnt know you're supposed to put the under duress BEFORE you sign your name) Anyhow,,, SO then they did the C/S, and I was able to feed her as soon as they put my insides back in me (OH HOLY CRAP I don't know WHY anyone would OPT to do that more than once!!)... DD was fine, always was, APGARs of 8 and 9, as soon as they finished pulling her head out she was screaming bloody murder, blood gas (after the fact) showed she'd never been even slightly O2 deprived, nothing was wrong, etc. Luckily, nothing else bad happened after that.

Problem is, I keep having these awful, awful flashbacks of being held down. I can't help but think I was SO STUPID to have even gone in, consented the the membrane stripping, water broken, WHY did I not just RUN? I can't help it. I KNEW something bad would happen, and maybe I made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Granted, if they had been even SLIGHTLY helpful, it would probably not have happened that way, so intellectually, I know it wasn't ALL my fault. I'm just... I don't know. How do you get over something like that? What is the point when you KNOW you need to go to counseling?

Now, we don't actually want another until after we leave Hawaii, hopefully around Aug-Sep of 2009, so this isn't too big of an issue just yet.

I KNOW i don't want to go near a hospital again unless me or my baby is about to die... and I know I want a VBAC or maybe an HBAC, but...

I'm afraid because last time was so awful, I'll need counseling to do it.

But how will I know I really do? Is it something I'm just going to KNOW, to be sure of? or am I going to have to work through it until I can't anymore, 'cause nothing seems to be working?
Is it too soon now, when it's still less than half a year gone, that I won't be able to tell until later if I need counseling?

How do you do this?
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#193 of 321 Old 01-16-2008, 05:49 PM
 
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Hi,

Reading so many of your stories I can't believe how strong you all are!
Here's my story. . .
I induced with castor oil at 42+3 weeks and labor started that afternoon. Labor lasted about 30 hours, a little long for my taste and very painful but normal. I started pushing in the evening and kept pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing. My perineum wouldn't stretch or tear. I pushed for a total of 6 hours and half of that time my baby's head was born except for the peri. I have never worked so hard at anything in my life. I was pushing on my back, which was the one position I didn't want to birth in. Ironically, his heart tones would go down in any other position. At the end heart tones started to decel and my midwife tore my peri with her nail (it was too tight on his head to cut an epis) and he was born. He was perfect and big at 9lbs and my dream of a homebirth came true. Next we tried to get the placenta out for 3 hours while I kept bleeding and bleeding. Finally we called EMS and I was transported for retained placenta and hemmhorage (sp?). I fainted when EMS tried to get me onto the stretcher and then again on the way out the door so I don't remember it very well. All I remember of the first few hours at the hospital is pain and more pain. They gave my pain meds and I fell asleep. In all I bled 11 cups and had a third degree tear. Thankfully my placenta did eventually come out without a D & C. Toby was born at 1:30am and we didn't nurse at all until the next afternoon. I recieved 2 units of blood and went home the next day. On day four postpartum my sutures came out and I developed a nasty infection in the tear. So I spent the next 3 weeks on bedrest. My beautiful baby was perfect but I was so tired and in so much pain it was hard to enjoy him. A week after he was born I started to feel like there was some joy in mothering. I'm much better now. He's 2 months old and I only have pain occasionally. I know that things could have been much worse and I'm thankful that we did have a homebirth, but instead of feeling proud after his birth like I expected to I felt defeated. I thought it would be empowering, instead I'm just not sure If I would be strong enough to do it again.
Thanks for letting me share!
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#194 of 321 Old 01-16-2008, 07:27 PM
 
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TIME TO LET IT GO!!!!

Well here it is, here goes:

I am a distance runner. LOVE IT. I love my body and know I am capable of alot. I completed basic training for the U.S. army before becoming pregnant and subsequently discharged from the military. I KNOW I am strong. I guess the trouble started when we told my, now, MIL of the conception of our son out of wedlock (I was 19 he was 22). she said it was like a death in the family. I made the choice to marry her son and he promised to get us a place to stay, which ended up being his parents' basement. UGH! I lost my confidence and faith in my husband. he supported her over me and I didn't trust him. I went into labor with our son and we went to the hospital after 7 hours of hard, but manageable pain. I was only at 3 cm. I quickly made it to 7 cm (about 3 hours later) I expected to follow through transition quickly, the back pain was unbearable and my husband was freaking out. He called his dad, (a pastor) who swooped in wearing a gallon of clogne and I asked him to leave or I was going to throw up. Well after three hours of being stuck in transition labor of solid contractions that never really went away I took the epidural. I regret it and wish my husband had been there for me. He was not supportive and I resent that. My aunt was there as my doula, and finally decided I needed the meds. I am glad she did, but wish I couldhave trusted my body and my spouse.

Number two, one year 13 days later. I made it to the hospital fully ready to face another strong labor. They said I was holding still at 4 cm and they told me I was not really in labor. I have a tilted uterus and the monitor does not pick up contractions. With much begging, they allowed me to stay agreeing I did not need to go home to a one year old. They gave me ambien to make me sleep. when i kept waking up in pain they finally believed i was in labor. I had to take the epidural because i could not stay awake to manage the pain. I woke up completely numb 4 hours later, my baby girl was crowning. I was so disappointed that i had missed the entire labor. I wanted to cry. I feel labor is a bonding time something a mother and child go through together.

Number three:

15 months later. I labored for 24 hours at home. I could not sleep I could not eat, I watched after two children. The contractions kept coming, but would not get very strong. I was scared. I was worried. Number three should be fast. I was tired. We went for a walk and fell asleep on the grass in a glade near our home. It was magical and I will never forget that. The kids went to my afore mentioned MIL's house and it was there that I became tense and the contractions became strong. I lost faith in my husband's ability to help me as he ignored me to play with his legos from childhood. Standing in the corner I demanded he take me to the hospital. I was told by a childless nurse that she thought I could do it without the drugs, and i wanted to believe her. I tried as my husband slept next to me. I couldn't do it alone. My aunt was two hours away. I took the DAMN DRUGS AGAIN! I needed emotional support and the fact that my hubs was unable to provide it has left me resenting him and I don't know how to let this go!!
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#195 of 321 Old 01-16-2008, 07:32 PM
 
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wanted to say I wanted to do home births, but because of a herpes infection, decided to be at a hospital, in case c-section became needed. This is hard for me to talk about for obvious reasons.
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#196 of 321 Old 01-25-2008, 03:55 PM
 
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Preface: this is Olive's birth story. i wrote it the day after she was born hours after i had received a phone call from my midwife telling me i failed and that i wanted to fail. she said "i have never seen someone fight giving birth so hard ever" (not a direct quote but you get the idea) she also said i knew that being in the tub was speeding along my labor which is why i kept getting out. too bad she didn't remember that i told her months prior that i have a hard time getting comfortable in water. being submerged peeves me out. i had told her i wanted to give it a shot but there were no promises. i entitled the birth story "Olive's fantabulous birth!" because i had been proud of how i stood up for myself in the hospital transfer. but after that call and after my husband's reaction and the memory of the birth really started to sink in i needed to name it that for sanity's sake- a way of saying no it was great! look! it was fantabulous! i wrote the birth story for some close online friends on another board. i kept getting stuck and skipping over parts and candy coating others because i was growing increasingly ashamed of myself and i so didn't want to believe that my wonderful husband had behaved like a total ass and threw me under the bus while birthing his child. so i will post the story i wrote and i will add commentary as of now.
this is very very hard for me. the doula that was there (who was wonderful! the only ray of sunshine i had) does have an account here and i am scared to death of her and/or my MW reading it and harassing me about it. my mom still laughs at how i yelled at the Dr while birthing and even that cuts through me. so i ask please please please don't be critical of me, at least out loud. someday i may be able to handle it but right now just the thought of someone saying anything unkind sends me over the edge...
**my new comments are in orange**


Olive’s fantabulous birth!

Olive Onodrim (ono-dreem)



At round 2:30 Saturday morning my contractions woke me. I had Robbie call and tell my mom to come up and get the girls because I was sure I would all be happening soon.
it took me 30 minutes to wake Robbie between contractions and then i had to beg him to call my mom and take the kids to her. he is awful to try and wake and once he does wake he is grumpy- regardless of the circumstances.
At my last check I had been 3cm. I got my doubts after hours passed and my contractions were still at 10 minutes apart and not really getting stronger.
Robbie slept the entire time. i tried to wake him but gave up after a while. i wanted him to rub my back and hold me
It was around 8am when I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed I had bloody show. I called my MW and let her know and she said she wanted to come and check me. Her visit was brief. She watched me through a few contractions and checked the baby’s heart and position. I told her I didn’t want to come to her house yet because I knew I wasn’t ready. So I labored like that all day. I was able to take a very brief mini nap right before the MW came for a second time. That was the last time I was able to sleep until after I gave birth to Olive.
and it wasn't even real sleep. it was rest my eyes for a few minutes and then be woken by whatever- contraction, Robbie, the phone ringing, the TV, etc later my MW would use that "sleep" i had as an excuse as to why i shouldn't have been exauhsted. she also would say this was all preodomial (sp?) labor even though i told her before that my labors started like this- sporadic contractions
After Saturday night I knew that I needed some relief and that the time was near. I called my MW and asked if I could come climb in her nice tub. She had it ready for us by the time we got there. First I was checked and was at 6cm. the tub felt great and I labored in it for a while. The only problem was that there was no sort of anti-slip things on the floor of the tub and I kept slipping all over the place. After a while I knew I wanted to get out and walk and maybe lay down a little.
the warmth of the tub was great but after all the slipping and sliding and being in the water itself i was getting really uncomfy and peeved out. my MW took a picture and later sent it to me of me in the tub, i was grabbing onto the edges and looked really at edge and uncomfy. i really don't like baths.
I was very tired and it had only been a few hours. I spent the next while rocking in the rocking chair and passing with Robbie. To pass the time Robbie and I discussed gun control laws, Wal Mart as an ‘evil corporation’, the new eco movement, and anything else that Robbie and I usually discuss.
he wouldn't discuss anything else. he sat far from me and even chatted at me through contractions. before we had left the house he had tried to grab a book!
My contractions were staying 7 minutes apart but getting very strong. I had to really concentrate through them. It wasn’t until 7 hours later that I finally reached 8cm. I had been passing, and rocking, vainly attempting to rest, and of course laboring in the tub the entire time. But I still felt peaceful and great. Then my contractions turned to this really odd and extremely painful sensation. It felt as if someone was taking a crow bar and was trying to pry my pubic bone from my body. The pressure was extreme. It felt like my bone was breaking because something was stuck. my MW figured it was because the baby had been having a hard time coming down and was posterior. She had me get on my hands and knees while she tried to find my cervix and hold on to the baby’s head while I twisted thus getting Olive to turn. But she couldn’t reach my cervix so we nixed that idea.
she didn't even try! she barely got her fingers in and then gave up! it pissed me off then but i was in no mood to argue. after all, she knew what she was doing when she went to break my water later it was much of the same- a half-assed attempt.
She had me labor on my hands and knees, which was fine and eliminated some of the pressure for a bit, but then my arms and legs got tired and I needed to sit. I retreated to the only place that was semi comfortable- the rocking chair. the MW wanted me to walk, so I did until I couldn’t anymore. Then she wanted me to labor on the birthing stool, so I did very briefly until my left hip started to spasm like my legs had been beginning to do. It was a very painful position to be in and I went against the MW when I refused to sit on it again.
she kept harassing me about it. anytime i'd start to get comfy and feel a little at ease she'd come and say i needed to be in the tub or walking etc. i knew that if i could just relax i'd feel so much better but she wanted me doing what she wanted.
she tried to break my water and couldn’t so she assumed it had broken sometime and we hadn’t noticed.
she tried with this thing that goes over your finger like a condom with a little prick at the end. she scraped my insides with it on accident at first, which was lovely, and then tried for a matter of a second to get my water and then gave up
At this point the pubic bone pain was becoming more than I could bare. Each contraction rocked through my body like an atomic bomb. If it hadn’t been for the fact that night was well underway and I was going towards 48 hours of hardly any sleep I would have been able to stay more focused then I was. I retreated and let the contractions take me over. I cried and cried, which actually made me feel a bit better. I voiced that maybe I needed a push in the right direction, meaning a trip to the hospital for intervention. Robbie said what I was thinking in that that trip would do more harm then good. He was great throughout the whole thing and just reassured me things would look up.
no he wasn't. i thought he was great at that moment but the fact is that was the first time he has reassured me. earlier i had laid down to try and rest and he laid next to me. again, i asked him to rub my back and hold me and he had already fallen asleep! i labored alone while he slept, again
the MW had me get back in the tub, something I didn’t want to do but she insisted. It didn’t help but made me more uncomfortable because I was so focused on trying not to slip and slide all around. My body tensing to prevent that made my legs spasm worse and my contractions more painful then they needed to be.
i don't remember if it was this time or one of the times before, but Robbie got in the tub with me at some point. he actually slid into me and kicked me while i was contracting and he had a good laugh over it. then he laid back and said a "oooohhh this is so relaxing" and started to doze off. that's when i yelled at him and told him to get out.
I was starting to lose it again so I said I needed to get out of the tub. the MW checked me again- it had been a few hours since the last time- and said I was still at 8 but closer to 9cm. the pubic pressure was becoming so intense. I attempted to push through a few and found that it was impossible.
in that phone call she'd say i was ready to push i just didn't want to.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was ‘off’ and needed to be remedied. I shoved the feeling aside and went to work barring with it. At this point the MW had called a Doula (J) over to help. She was very reassuring. With her help my head cleared a bit and I knew what I had to do. I said I thought a transfer would be best. They said I wouldn’t be able to get drugs and I told them I knew that but that what I needed was something to help me over this hill that was preventing me from progressing.
J was great. she said "whatever you need, mama" but Robbie kept pushing me "no this isn't what you want" i cried and pleaded with him and he just kept on harassing me about it "no, you're giving up. they're just going to strap you down" and so on... this is when something snapped in me and i knew i was all alone. i looked in his eyes and saw his annoyance and knew he wanted me to birth here.
By this point I was so weak and exhausted that Robbie had to practically carry me to the car with J’s help. My legs started to spasm so bad I couldn’t help but scream in both shock and pain when I fell against the truck in the driveway. I just couldn’t move.
i left out here that the MW came out and yelled to J "what's wrong with her now?" in this awful tone that made me start to cry again
On the way to the hospital my contractions mixed with the pubic bone pain and pressure rocked through me. I kept reassuring myself that things would improve and soon and that I wouldn’t let things get out of control at the hospital.
left out here that i was having such a hard time walking that i was screaming and falling over on the way into the hospital. the MW came up behind me and told me to stop it and just get up and walk. i cried and cried and then some kind lady walked out and saw me and ran to get me a wheel chair. the MW kept saying "you don't need a wheel chair, just walk!"
And I didn’t. The Dr wanted to push my cervix aside while I pushed, something that had been tried before. I flat out refused and he still stuck his fingers up inside me. I told him to get his fingers out of me to which he started yelling ‘PUSH’ in the most abrasive way. I looked at him and said ‘I’ll push when you get your damn fingers out of me!’. He got the point and huffed out of the room saying he wanted to clarify that I was going against medical advice. He did try to do it again and I flat out refused again. I told him just to break my water, which he did and the pubic pressure and pain floated away with each gush. I was so surprised and relieved.
and so was the MW! the look on her face was priceless. she had said my water broke already without me knowing (yeah right) and gave me a shot in my leg of antibiotics that had made my spasms worse. i looked at her and when the relief came and i could handle the contractions again i just knew she had really screwed up and that there was, in fact, something "off" i felt vindicated just for a moment
i also left out that Robbie stood far from me, his arms crossed, scowling at me and the Dr. the MW chose to comfort him and not me. again, i knew i was alone.
About as surprised as when I realized I was getting light headed and figured out that the nurse had given me a bit of nubane in my IV. At that moment I looked up and saw my mom standing there. I asked her how she knew I was there and she just said she had this feeling something wasn’t right so she came to check (we both live in the same apt. complex which is a 5 minute walk from the hospital).
this wasn't a good thing. i can't stand my mom. she has never supported me in my life. if anything, i raised her and still do to this day. her reaction to the birth was crap
I literally passed out for a few minutes. I remember feeling the contractions but not caring and just coming to and realizing I had just gotten minutes of sleep. And that I needed to push. So I started pushing, all on my own.
so much for the MW saying i didn't want to birth! by this time it was all me, the nubane had worn off in minutes.
I didn’t want any help from the Dr or the nurses questioning me so I just started pushing. I pushed Olive down and crowing. I almost had her head out when the Dr came in and said she was crowning and had all the nurses rush in and treat it like a major emergency. He told me I needed to lay the bed down and get on my back because it was the only way to give birth to which I replied ‘HaHa! Don’t touch my bed’ to the nurse moving to lay me down. The Dr told her to leave it. I then looked at the Dr and said in the nicest way I had addressed him the entire time ‘please don’t give me an episiotomy. I’d rather tare’ to which he replied ‘I don’t think you’ll need one’. I started to push again and he felt the need to stick his hands on either side of my vagina and pull. I stopped pushing and told him to get his hands out of my vagina. He and the nurses both said something like he had to do it for a better birth. Again, I said I’ll push when you get your hands out of my vagina. And I did. And she was born a few minutes later.
and no taring, much to the Dr's dismay. he so wanted to prove that he needed to have his hands up in me.
I was so exhausted that for a few minutes I forgot what I was doing which scared the crap out of both my mom and Robbie. They said I just went blank and started asking what was going on. Robbie kept saying ‘we just had a baby! We just had a baby!’ and I started to ‘come back’.
not entirely true. Robbie said it in an annoying way and left me there to go and sit on the couch. my mom was crying and i was comforting her while my baby was taken directly from me to the lights.
I heard the Dr ask if they had put pitocin on full blast. He was doing something down there. I looked at my mom and realized she was shaking and looked like she was going to have a seizure. I reached up and touched her face to calm her down and told her I had just had a baby and that she was okay. My mom told me then that she needed to go because she couldn’t watch me bleed like that. That’s when it dawned on me that they were having trouble getting me to stop bleeding. I remembered the nose bleeds and the hemorrhoids and that this had been a concern with the MW and I. I was hooked up to pitocin until a few minutes before they let me leave. It took two bags.
I got to look over Olive, finally, and put her to the breast. She looked so big! 7lbs. almost a pound bigger than Mable. She had so much hair I couldn’t believe it.
After things settled and the MW and J left and it was just the three of us I stopped and took a few minutes to really asses what had happened. Instead of hating myself like I totally thought I would I couldn’t help but be proud that I knew my body so well and knew that something was a miss and that I needed some help and that I was willing to fight for it. Robbie kept laughing and saying how proud he was of me for standing my ground with the hospital even while birthing.
no he didn't. he just laughed and went back to sleep while O and i's temp dropped so low they had to take her and bundle me (our temps were exactly the same. they think mine caused hers to drop) i forgot to mention but at one point i screamed for J to hold me and she did. she was the only one to give me a hand in comfort.
I honestly have to classify Olive’s birth as the worse I had ever experienced and also the best. It was the worse pain and the most difficult. The exhaustion was so much and my body is still moving slow from it. But the fact that I knew my body so well and knew what I needed and fought for it really empowered me. This morning in talking to Robbie and relating my birth story to some friends I am just really proud that I have come so far to know what it is that I need and to go the distance in getting it. I’m not ashamed at all, like I thought I would be. It’s the opposite, actually.
And look what I have to show!



And there it is. Some other stuff i forgot to mention- one of the MWs excuses to why i shouldn't have been tired is that i drank a few sips of coffee and she shoved a spoon full of sugar in my mouth while i labored. that was suppose to get me through the rest of the birth. that night in the hospital they kicked Robbie out and he went gleefully (finally i can sleep!, was his attitude) with hardly a peck. i begged him to come back FIRST thing. he didn't. i called him all morning and he slept through it. he finally showed up hours after he promised me he would. i felt alone, depressed, scared, and so so tired. i wanted him to hold the baby and he didn't want to. neither did i. but i sucked it up because that's what i do. i do things i don't want to please the crowd.
the big thing was that after i got off the phone with my MW i turned to Robbie to share in the ridiculousness of it and he just looked away and was silent. it took 6 months for him to admit he had agreed with her. his denial just made it so much worse. he denied his behavior for so long. he would yell at me just to "get over it" and say he was there for me. when he finally did admit it he would say "but i know i was wrong and i believe you now" as if it makes it all better. i have thought of divorcing him. i feel like he majorly betrayed me and i just can't trust him anymore to be there for me and i need that in a partner. we are trying to work it out. i have to point out that this was so out of character for him. O was a huge surprise- we had just had Mable 4 months before. the whole pregnancy he treated me like crap. not abusive but not supportive in the least. no one who knows him and knows how he reacted expected it. they all are so surprised. but nothing has changed. he has still been acting like a jerk. sometimes he tries but mostly he's an ass. (excuse my language. but seriously...) i think he might be depressed or something like that but mainly i don't care. he really caused me a loud of hurt. i am still trying to heal. seeing images of birth in itself is hard but seeing images where the husband is supporting his wife sends me into hysterics. i find myself resenting him and wanting to leave but then i remember that this is so not him and i feel lost as to what to do.
i walked away from O's birth wanting to be sterile. but now i want two more babies in 5 or 6 years. and i want a UC and i want to be ALONE like i was before but this time without the harassment. i already told Robbie there is no way in hell i'd let him be with me while i labor and birth ever ever again. i keep wondering if we can heal. he wants to- or so he says. he loves me- or so he says. his actions on the other hand... not so much.
this is TMI...
i am such a horn dog. i have a man's appetite for sex. but after O's birth for months (and a little now, even) i would get flashbacks as soon as anything would go near my vagina. i'd shake and feel sick. it took me a while to be able to orgasm again.
9 months later things have greatly improved but they are still so not as good as i need them to be. i am always so stressed, anxious, and have boughts of insomnia. i just don't know what to do anymore. i still feel so alone and so harassed...

thank you for listening to me whine. i'm sorry i rambled off so much. i really needed to get it off my chest.

Maggie, blissfully married mama of 5 little ladies on my own little path. homeschool.gif gd.gifRainbow.gif
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#197 of 321 Old 01-25-2008, 07:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by saimeiyu View Post
(X-posted from vbac)

I had a really traumatic experience with the birth of my DD almost 4 months ago.

I know part of it is *kind of* my fault, because I was terrified of going in to the army hospital to give birth. I just kept having all kinds of moments where I'd just go into a panic attack, because I was SO SCARED of the hospital. Not really of giving birth, just the hospital. Trouble was, I didn't have a whole lot of choice as active duty. There aren't many midwives around here, and anyhow, I'd have to pay for them out of pocket, and to make matters worse, if I DID need a hospital transfer, I'd probably get in a lot of trouble for not just going in when they told me to go in... So I felt trapped into going there. Now, I thought that because I was in the midwife program I'd stand a better chance,,, but only if this ONE midwife was on duty. The other ones got so-so reviews. Anyhow.


I'm afraid because last time was so awful, I'll need counseling to do it.

But how will I know I really do? Is it something I'm just going to KNOW, to be sure of? or am I going to have to work through it until I can't anymore, 'cause nothing seems to be working?
Is it too soon now, when it's still less than half a year gone, that I won't be able to tell until later if I need counseling?

How do you do this?
I still have panic attacks and can't really look at the hospital here either.I only felt one of the MW understood me and listened to me too.I didn't give birth there.I understand how scary that place is.
Maybe you could get counseling to talk it through.I know I still need to talk my second birth over.I am very bitter about it and know that ispart of why I couldn't give birth at this hospital.I have gotten from that birth that I can trust myself though.
I am sorry that your birth was even worse just because you are active duty.That was not right.(((hugs)))

joy.gifme, herding 5 critters a cat and a dog. DS 11/01, DS 10/04, DD 2/06, DS 5/07 and DD 9/10

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#198 of 321 Old 01-27-2008, 09:07 PM
 
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I'm not ready to talk about my birth rape, but I'm glad this thread exsists. It's so sad that so many of us have had such a horrible experience. I truly know that I'm not alone, and it helps. Most people IRL don't seem to understand. "Just get over it" they say. It's not something you can get over.

Something (?) lately is making everything worse. For the past 8 months, I've cringed at the thought of DD's birth and avoided anything to do with pregnancy/birth, etc...but the past couple of weeks it's the only thing I can think about. I HAD flashbacks 10/20 times per day. Now, it's like my entire day IS a flashback. When I take a shower my heart races, I start shaking, get heart palpatations, I just start freaking out (the night before the CS, I took at least 20 showers preparing for surgery. I couldn't get clean. It was like rape, in reverse. Stupid me though, I went through with it. I signed the freaking paper and gave them permission to rape me). Today, I couldn't finish my shower...thought I was going to pass out. It's just getting ridiculous and it's taking over my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm going nuts. I want to smack my head and make it stop thinking about dd's birth. Just want it out of my head. Shaking now...
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#199 of 321 Old 01-28-2008, 12:15 AM
 
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i haven't been able to read through this entire thread yet, but i would like to join this circle...
the birth of my son in november was extremely traumatic for me.. the disappointment started when my MEDwives insisted on a hospital birth and continued to an extreme intervention by an OB..i would slowly like to write a birth story of sorts but it is something that i have not yet been able to face. i literally can still feel and visualize the moments and it hurts to think about. i cannot look at the photos taken by my sister who was with me. i clearly need to heal and this seems like a good place to start.
thanks to everyone for sharing, i'm looking forward to moving through this with you all.
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#200 of 321 Old 01-29-2008, 09:16 AM
 
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.....i had been proud of how i stood up for myself in the hospital transfer. but after that call and after my husband's reaction and the memory of the birth really started to sink in i needed to name it that for sanity's sake- a way of saying no it was great! look! it was fantabulous!
You SHOULD be proud of yourself, you did stand up fpr yourself. The entire situation sucked, but what YOU did made it better for you. It's not the midwife's place to boss you about what she thinks you should be comfortable doing. You knew you needed more help, YOU told the docs to piss off about having their hands in you. Way to go!
.... I pushed Olive down and crowing. ...I stopped pushing and told him to get his hands out of my vagina. He and the nurses both said something like he had to do it for a better birth. Again, I said I’ll push when you get your hands out of my vagina. And I did. ...
See??
I was so exhausted that for a few minutes I forgot what I was doing which scared the crap out of both my mom and Robbie. They said I just went blank and started asking what was going on. Robbie kept saying ‘we just had a baby! We just had a baby!’ and I started to ‘come back’.
not entirely true. Robbie said it in an annoying way and left me there to go and sit on the couch. my mom was crying and i was comforting her while my baby was taken directly from me to the lights.
Yeah, I was so out of it too immediately after. I didn't think anything when they stole my baby from me to torture her under the lights. My partner, who I told to go with her was more concerned with cleaning up the delivery room because "you made a mess in there". She didn't come to see me for more than a second, or stay with our terrified baby. She was cleaning.
...he would yell at me just to "get over it" and say he was there for me.
Yeah, my partner yelled at me repeatedly to get over it, the baby is fine, and nothing that bad happened anyway. It could have been so much worse. Why can't I be thankful for what happened and not just make it all about me.
seeing images of birth in itself is hard but seeing images where the husband is supporting his wife sends me into hysterics. i find myself resenting him and wanting to leave but then i remember that this is so not him and i feel lost as to what to do.
Oh yeah. This is not how I ever would have imagined my dream of having a long-awaited baby with a partner that I loved would turn out. It was the opposite of support, more like blame, shame, and disgust directed to me. I can't see any pictures of birth, pregnancy, or hospitals without feeling queasy.

i walked away from O's birth wanting to be sterile. but now i want two more babies in 5 or 6 years. and i want a UC and i want to be ALONE like i was before but this time without the harassment. i already told Robbie there is no way in hell i'd let him be with me while i labor and birth ever ever again. i keep wondering if we can heal.
Funny, I too VERY much want another child, but I want NO ONE there with me for the entire process. I have planned a lot of it out, including writing myself encouraging notes for different points in labor, reminding myself to focus on this or that, having the supplies *I* want available, and I even have it planned to send myself flowers and a mushy card after the baby is born to tell MYSELF that I am proud. Is that weird?
after O's birth for months (and a little now, even) i would get flashbacks as soon as anything would go near my vagina. i'd shake and feel sick.
Same here, I feel very self conscious about it, and it just doesn't feel right to share that part of me with my partner. Hours after the birth she told me she could never have sex with me again after watching 'that'.
9 months later things have greatly improved but they are still so not as good as i need them to be. i am always so stressed, anxious, and have boughts of insomnia. i just don't know what to do anymore. i still feel so alone and so harassed...
Well here, I am up at 4 am with insomnia too, 9 months ago yesterday my life went sour as a result of the birth of my most beloved daughter. In a few ways it has gotten better, and in some it has gotten worse. Here is some late night
thank you for listening to me whine. i'm sorry i rambled off so much. i really needed to get it off my chest.You are not whining!

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Originally Posted by crittersmom View Post
I still have panic attacks and can't really look at the hospital here either.
I can't drive down the street that the hospital that tortured us is located on. It is hard to avoid some days, but I just can't bring myself to look at it.
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Originally Posted by MayBaby2007 View Post

Something (?) lately is making everything worse. For the past 8 months, I've cringed at the thought of DD's birth and avoided anything to do with pregnancy/birth, etc...but the past couple of weeks it's the only thing I can think about. I HAD flashbacks 10/20 times per day. Now, it's like my entire day IS a flashback. When I take a shower my heart races, I start shaking, get heart palpatations, I just start freaking out (the night before the CS, I took at least 20 showers preparing for surgery. I couldn't get clean. It was like rape, in reverse. Stupid me though, I went through with it. I signed the freaking paper and gave them permission to rape me). Today, I couldn't finish my shower...thought I was going to pass out. It's just getting ridiculous and it's taking over my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm going nuts. I want to smack my head and make it stop thinking about dd's birth. Just want it out of my head. Shaking now...
I know what that is like, and I am so sorry for you. Sometimes it seems like it is easing, and then just slams right back into you like a damn train. I had to try to teach my mind to stop thinking about it because I couldn't function for most of the day. I would just hold my baby and cry and apologize to her over and over and over. So I started telling myself "Rowan I love you and I will come back to this later. We will think about it tonight, but right now we need to stop thinking about it and work, clean, drive, whatever." It has had some limited effect. But it is the only way to get thru a panic attack sometimes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kristyn View Post
i would slowly like to write a birth story of sorts but it is something that i have not yet been able to face. i literally can still feel and visualize the moments and it hurts to think about. i cannot look at the photos taken by my sister who was with me.
It has been 9 months for me and I am still writing. It has helped me to write several different versions. I initially wrote one for my daughter and left out all the parts where I am enraged with my partner and the midwife and the hospital staff. Now I am adding all of that in a different version. That one is much harder to write.

....Sending my love and support to each and every person who posts here or wants to and can't face it yet...
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#201 of 321 Old 01-29-2008, 12:00 PM
 
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thank you for your comments, rowan! they were just what i needed this early morning.

Quote:
Yeah, my partner yelled at me repeatedly to get over it, the baby is fine, and nothing that bad happened anyway. It could have been so much worse. Why can't I be thankful for what happened and not just make it all about me.
<snip>
Same here, I feel very self conscious about it, and it just doesn't feel right to share that part of me with my partner. Hours after the birth she told me she could never have sex with me again after watching 'that'.
x100

Maggie, blissfully married mama of 5 little ladies on my own little path. homeschool.gif gd.gifRainbow.gif
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#202 of 321 Old 01-29-2008, 12:11 PM
 
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it would be wonderful to have a place just to talk about how messed up first birth was... I know that there is birth stories, but that just is not the same feel of "How it all went wrong"..

You have my support!
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#203 of 321 Old 01-29-2008, 04:08 PM
 
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Now that 8 1/2 months have passed, there are times that I feel like my old self. However, as soon as I think I'm strong enough to get past this something new crops up, and it sends me back to the nightmares and anxiety attacks. I think my struggle right now is dealing with organizing and planning Jennavive's first birthday party. It should be a celebration of her birth, but to me it's the anniversary of my birth rape. I'm obsessing over every detail in an effort to prove that I'm in control of the situation and distract myself from the memories. So, I guess it's time to face them again.


I'd had a difficult pregnancy. At my 19 week ultrasound I was diagnosed with marginal placenta previa. Researching the condition, I knew that there was a possibility that if the placenta didn't move I'd end up with a c-section. I was lucky, they did another ultrasound at 26 weeks, and I found out that the placenta had moved enough to be able to have a vaginal delivery. Unfortunately that same day I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I watched what I ate, and kept my blood sugars under control. I thought things had really turned a corner until I hit 34 weeks. I went to my baby shower on Sunday, and when I got home that night I noticed that my legs were really swollen. I wasn't too worried since I'd spent most of the day in the car. However, the next day at work I noticed that they were very swollen again. I called my OB's office to see if they had any recommendations on decreasing the swelling, and was told to come into the clinic immediately. It turns out that I had PIH, so I was placed on bedrest for the duration of my pregnancy.

Since the PIH was continuing to worsen, I reported for my induction at 37 weeks. Things seemed pretty typical. They broke my water, hooked me up to an IV and blood pressure monitor, and waited to see what would happen. By mid-morning I was contracting steadily. The contractions were very tolerable without any pain medication, but my blood pressure was getting worse. I spent most of the morning lying on my left side only to discover that the baby preferred me lying on my back. As soon as they let me flip over, my blood pressure stabilized. However, it reached 190 / 150, so they started me on medication. The medicine didn't help enough, so the doctor wanted an epidural. (It has the handy side effect of reducing blood pressure.) I knew that I could handle the pain on my own, but I was terrified of ending up with an emergency c-section, so I agreed to have the epidural placed. While the epidural failed to provide me with any pain relief, it did level off my blood pressure, so they allowed me to continue laboring. Finally, at 9 pm, I got the urge to push. I pushed and pushed, but I didn't feel like I was making any progress. I finally asked if the doctor could give me a hand, so at 11:00 pm he hauled out the vacuum to assist me in giving birth. (Jennavive was asynclitic, so progress was very slow.) At 11:32 pm, Jennavive was born, but I didn't realize that my trauma was just beginning.

They laid Jennavive on my stomach, and I remember thinking that she looked like an alien. She was covered in gook because she was early, and I was actually relieved when they took her over to the incubator to clean her up. I remember thinking just 30 more minutes to get the placenta out, and we could call our parents. A few minutes later, the doctor asked the nurse to tell him when 20 minutes had passed. I didn't realize at the time, but things were going wrong. I remember telling him at 12:02 that his time was up. The next thing I know, the nurse is asking me if I want to hold my baby, and I said no because I was starting to feel very light-headed. Suddenly, the pain was so intense. I can't even describe it. Me, who had never let out a whimper during the birth, was fighting to get away from the doctor (impossible with an epidural) and struggling not to scream while he tugs at the placenta. My vision goes blurry, and I hear the doctor say that the nurse needs to call the surgical team immediately. I fade in and out of consiousness not understanding what's happening when I hear the doctor yelling at the nurse, "here the %%%% are they"? She replies, "It's going to take an hour for them to get back to the hospital", and I fade back out. After what seems like forever, I feel myself being wheeled down the hallway to the operating room. I sense the bright lights of the operating room, feel myself being transferred to the operating table, and thankfully they give me a shot to knock me completely out.

What I know now, is that I had placenta accreta, and the doctor attempted treating it without telling us what was going on. He believed that because I had the epidural that I wouldn't feel anything he was doing. The doctor attempted removing it by applying cord traction, but the umbilical cord tore free kicked off the postpartum hemorrhage. He then attempted a manual removal of the placenta which ultimately failed and exacerbated the hemorrhaging. My uterus turned partially inside out, possibly caused by the cord traction, and my blood pressure dropped from 190 / 150 to 50 / 30 in 30 minutes. They performed an emergency D & C to get the placenta out. By the time it was all over, I had hemorrhaged 60% of the blood in my body.

It took 2 months to find out what had happened. In those first few days, all I knew was that things had gone really wrong, and I never wanted to go through that again. I was in complete denial about my experience until I went in for my 6 week postpartum checkup. Having the doctor's hands on me sent me into a tailspin of anxiety and kicked off the nightmares. It was destroying my relationship with my husband, so 6 weeks later I started counseling.

Things are a lot better now. The nightmares only come once or twice a week, and for the most part my anxiety is under control. However, with the anniversary rapidly approaching, I find myself becoming more anxious. I keep trying to remind myself that it's just another wave. I need to ride over the top, but I'm struggling right now.

To all of you who are struggling as well, my thoughts are with you. It's painful.
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#204 of 321 Old 01-29-2008, 08:04 PM
 
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Now that 8 1/2 months have passed, there are times that I feel like my old self. However, as soon as I think I'm strong enough to get past this something new crops up, and it sends me back to the nightmares and anxiety attacks. I think my struggle right now is dealing with organizing and planning Jennavive's first birthday party. It should be a celebration of her birth, but to me it's the anniversary of my birth rape. I'm obsessing over every detail in an effort to prove that I'm in control of the situation and distract myself from the memories. So, I guess it's time to face them again.
Bless your heart, I am having trouble thinking about my baby's first birthday too. My trouble is not only does it remind me of her awful awful birth, but I cannot stop thinking that it wasn't SUPPOSED to be her birthday, because she was induced (broken water for 52 hours, no labor and GBS+) and when she was born she looked to be two weeks early according to her. So she should have been born around mother's day. I don't even know what to do for her. I am trying to think of it as "4/28/07 was a horrible day (as was 4/29/07 and 4/30/07). 4/28/08 will be a wonderful day for my daughter. 4/28/07 will never happen again." I don't know if it will work though. Anyone else have thoughts ideas or suggestions, maybe a BTDT???
Quote:
Having the doctor's hands on me sent me into a tailspin of anxiety and kicked off the nightmares. It was destroying my relationship with my husband, so 6 weeks later I started counseling.
I cannot even be touched by a massage person, because the feeling of anyone's hands on me gives me the creeps. I don't like anyone's touch except my baby and my son. I don't know where our marriage is headed. Some nights I carry on fights for hours in my head, so that I can be civil in the morning and make it thru the day.
Quote:
Things are a lot better now. The nightmares only come once or twice a week, and for the most part my anxiety is under control. However, with the anniversary rapidly approaching, I find myself becoming more anxious. I keep trying to remind myself that it's just another wave. I need to ride over the top, but I'm struggling right now.

To all of you who are struggling as well, my thoughts are with you. It's painful.
Good for you for doing better. Good for you for trying to see the other side of the wave. If you have any good ideas for anything, please post them, I would love to know.
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#205 of 321 Old 01-30-2008, 12:35 PM
 
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Bless your heart, I am having trouble thinking about my baby's first birthday too. My trouble is not only does it remind me of her awful awful birth, but I cannot stop thinking that it wasn't SUPPOSED to be her birthday, because she was induced (broken water for 52 hours, no labor and GBS+) and when she was born she looked to be two weeks early according to her. So she should have been born around mother's day. I don't even know what to do for her. I am trying to think of it as "4/28/07 was a horrible day (as was 4/29/07 and 4/30/07). 4/28/08 will be a wonderful day for my daughter. 4/28/07 will never happen again." I don't know if it will work though. Anyone else have thoughts ideas or suggestions, maybe a BTDT???

I'm still trying to ride this one out. I just realized that I'm obsessing over making this day perfect for Jennavive because I couldn't make the day of her birth perfect for me. I have control over the invitations that go out, the cake that gets bought, and the party favors to disburse. I've found myself endlessly searching the internet looking for the "perfect" items, and it's so much like when I was searching for answers to what had happened to me. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next 3 1/2 months. The only saving grace for me is that the majority of the trauma happened, technically, the day after her birth. I keep trying to remind myself that things were okay on May 11, and they fell apart on May 12.

I cannot even be touched by a massage person, because the feeling of anyone's hands on me gives me the creeps. I don't like anyone's touch except my baby and my son. I don't know where our marriage is headed. Some nights I carry on fights for hours in my head, so that I can be civil in the morning and make it thru the day.

I was there too. There were days when all I could think of was how angry I was because he abandoned me, left my delivery room for the 2nd floor waiting room, during the wait for the surgical team. He also wouldn't talk to me about what happened. I had so many missing periods of time that I needed filled in, and everyone was so afraid that telling me would destory me. The first several counseling appointments were for both of us. I needed him to tell me that he was scared, that he thought I was dying, and that he couldn't stand to watch that happen. I needed to know that he was just as traumatized by the events as I was in order to start healing. I then switched to individual counseling, and the first thing I worked on was my anger at that situation. It took a few months of work before I could accept that he didn't abandon me, he was protecting himself from the pain he felt during that time. I don't know if counseling is an option for you and your partner, but it's the only way that I could process my feelings of fear, anger and betrayal for us to continue our relationship.

Good for you for doing better. Good for you for trying to see the other side of the wave. If you have any good ideas for anything, please post them, I would love to know.
I know this sounds crazy, but when I'm getting anxious I practice my labor breathing techniques. This helps to calm me down. I'll go to the bathroom at work or home, and just focus on my breathing. The other thing I sometimes practice is being in the moment without judging. It's really hard to do, but it brings my focus back to what's happening at that moment instead of evaluating it for it's impact on me.

There's one thing my counselor told me that I'm still trying to assimilate as a truth. She said that because of all of the trauma, I was physiologically incapable of feeling joy after Jennavive was born. All of us were so traumatized, that we couldn't / didn't have the normal post-birth emotions that so many women sing about. Our experiences were atypical, and our emotions and bodies reflect that truth.
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#206 of 321 Old 01-31-2008, 04:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't read all the new comments yet, but just wanted to respond to a couple;

saimeiyu,

If you think you need counseling then you do. What happened to you was not in any way your fault. Accepting one intervention (membranes stripping, AROM) does not give anyone license to hold you down and do whatever they want to you! And using your military status to coerce you, that is just disgusting!!! That should not ever happen! Can you somehow file a complaint with the military over that, or is that just standard practice within a military hospital? Get some therapy, it's a good thing.

magstphil,

Thanks for being brave enough to share your story. I can see that your midwife did several things that would not be okay with a whole lot women. Your story sounds almost familiar, like there are a whole class of home birth midwives who try to control women during labor, and if they fail to, then they abandoned their clients. When I got my medical records back, their was only one note and it said "screaming loudly - very out of control". I asked my DH if he thought I was "out of control" and he said "you didn't go to the hospital to be under their control" and he said, "you should be proud of yourself that it says that and that you didn't let them control you". I think that really applies to your situation as well. This midwife was obviously all about control, like my CNM, and when she failed to control you she blamed you for everything that went wrong, just like my CNM did to me the morning after Ds was born. Why anyone would feel the need to control a laboring woman is beyond me, but it seems like a totally fruitless endeavor and you would think that these care providers would give up trying after awhile.
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#207 of 321 Old 01-31-2008, 06:19 PM
 
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(I'm in the UK, in case any of the drug names and stuff sound weird!).

I had a wonderful pregnancy, and expected to have a very natural home delivery. I was two weeks over my due date, and starting to worry about being forced into induction. I had had three stretch and sweeps, and been told that I was already 2cms dilated. Then I started in labour at about 7am. My contractions continued all day, about 10-15 mins apart. A midwife came out at 4pm to check me, and found I was 5cms dilated. She went off, and we called her back about 9pm - serious contractions, less than 5 mins apart, lasting for 1-2 mins each. I was in our birth pool, in a lot of pain, but really enjoying it. At about 11pm the second midwife arrived. Everything seemed to be going well to me.

At 4am, the midwife checked me again, and found I was only 6cms dilated. She got me out of the pool, walking up and down stairs, etc. Eventually the midwives decided they needed to do something more, as they thought the baby was posterior (also thought he'd deflexed his head, but didn't tell me this). They got me on all fours, and sort of kneeeled on my back. It hurt quite a bit, but didn't do anything. At that point they decided I needed to transfer to hospital for syntocin (hormone in a drip).

In hospital some stupid midwife bullied me into having an epidural I didn't want, and refused to let me go to the loo, and put a catheter in instead. Even with the syntocin and the epidural I never dilated past 5-6cms, and after lots of 'just give me another hour or two' I gave in at 5pm and let them do a c-section. The section was ok-ish, but I wasn't allowed to hold my baby until I was in the recovery room an hour and a half later. My partner held him, he wasn't washed or weighed, and they stayed right next to me, but I do wish I'd been able to hold him.

I got out of hospital as fast as possible - was home about 16 hours after the section. I needed to be home, but had problems with breastfeeding, and then an infection, and ended up having to back to hospital a few times (only one overnight though).

My community midwives were pants at the post-natal stuff. They came out twice, saw I was having breastfeeding problems, but didn't come out any more, and weren't available to talk over the birth with me. 6 months later I eventually found out I could talk to a consultant midwife about the birth, and that helped explain a little bit about why I'd ended up with a section (the de-flexed head).

My son is now 9 months old, and I've been lucky enough to enjoy every single moment of motherhood. But I've had terrible post-natal anxiety (keep imaging dreadful things happening to him), which went away at about 6 months, but recently has come back. I've had a UTI which will not go - I think caused by the catheter, and constant cycles of anti-biotics, which causes nipple thrush, which makes breastfeeding difficult, which leads to mastitis, which need anti-biotics, ever since. And I seem to have lost all feeling from my belly button down, including my 'bits'. The midwife said this was psychological and caused by breast-feeding (picks jaw up off floor), the doctor tells me it can't possibly be caused by the c-section, but I don't know what else it could be.

I so wish I'd been able to give birth vaginally. I had no idea how important that was to me till it didn't happen. I really don't feel like I have given birth.

And I wish everyone would stop telling me 'It must all be worth it now the baby's here and ok'. Yes, it is. But that doesn't make it ok.
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#208 of 321 Old 02-02-2008, 03:01 AM
 
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I've been hanging out and lurking here, knowing that my story fits here. I'm lookign forward to a tribe where each person can have their own thread. Reading through all these stories in one thread is just so overwhelming.

The short story for me was a case of PTSD after my LO's birth in Jan 07. He was born completely drug free, with minimal monitorring and intervention in a hospital. I know now that I'm an anomoly in that hospital because the intervention rates are so high. I suffered the price of being mostly "successful" in keeping the midwives, nurses and anestiologists at bay. I fought and argued and maintained my convictions while in labor. After, I spent months reliving the contention between me and the midwives. I had flashbacks, uncontrollable anger and sadness. About 8 months after the birth, I felt like I had been completely consumed and couldn't function normally. I started seeing a psychologist who agreed I had experienced trauma, similar to what rape victims experience. I've been writing, reading, researching and planning to do things differently for my next child. All of those activities have helped me move on and I feel stronger again. The day of my child's birth passed this last weekend and I didn't break down like I thought I might. I was inspired to right a poem though. You can click on the link in my siggy to read that. The birth story is on there too.

Just to restate, when will a more organized tribe be started?

M.Ed. Mama to Chunka (1/07), Beauty (5/09) and Elizabear 3/12): Birth Doula (working toward certification) AAMI Midwifery Student, Advocating with Solace for Mothers & The Birth Survey

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#209 of 321 Old 02-04-2008, 01:17 PM
 
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And I wish everyone would stop telling me 'It must all be worth it now the baby's here and ok'. Yes, it is. But that doesn't make it ok.
You're right. That comment, or similar ones like "all that matters is a healthy baby", make me crazy. What I hear is "YOU don't count". It makes me feel like a failure, or like I'm defective because I couldn't just forget about the whole experience. I tried to tell my mom what had happened, and she told me the same thing. I keep wondering how bad my delivery needed to be before I counted.

We're all happy to have a healthy baby, but that doesn't diminish our feelings of anger, betrayal, fear, and disappointment about how we were treated. The feelings are not mutually exclusive. I'm incredibly grateful that my doctor was well trained. I'm grateful everyday that I'm here to raise my daughter and be a part of her life, but that doesn't mean that I'm not angry with my doctor for performing procedures upon my body without my consent.

I read a journal article someplace that had a comment reminding doctors that there are two patients in every delivery. They need to remember that they need to satisfy the needs of both mom and baby. I wish my doctor had remembered that.

Donna
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#210 of 321 Old 02-04-2008, 01:27 PM
 
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You're right. That comment, or similar ones like "all that matters is a healthy baby", make me crazy.

To me, this is all the same as telling a rape victim "You're alive, he didn't kill you at least, so get over it"

or

"at least you didn't get pregnant from it"

Does that make it right that you were raped? He!! no!! and if anyone ever said that that you would be well within your rights to tell them to go scratch (and worse) why is it okay to say similarly dissmissive things to a victim of birth rape?

Victim of Birth Rape & Coerced ribboncesarean.gifUnnecesareanribboncesarean.gif What makes people think they can cut up someone else's genitals? nocirc.gif
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