My traumatic birth story...long - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 09-03-2008, 06:02 AM - Thread Starter
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I am so glad to have found this forum. I had my son in October of 2007, and I have not worked through all of my feelings yet from his birth, so I think maybe it is time to get write it all out.

I was pregnant with my 4th child, and this was my first time using a midwife. Dh was/is very mainstream, so he was not as supporative of using a birth center as I would have liked him to have been, but he went along with it because he knew how important it was to me.

My pregnancy with Logan was very easy....just a normal pregant woman's ache's and pains. I really liked my midwife and the staff, and was actually looking forward to the labor and delivery. Then 3 weeks before my "due date", my mw informed me they were moving to a new biggie, right? Well......after they got moved in, I was able to tour the new office, and I was very unhappy, I guess you could say. I went from having a nice, big room at the old office, to a tiny, cramped room, with barely a twin bed and not even a bathroom for me....just a chair with a potty seat in it. I was panicked.....just being in the small room, I felt claustrophobic, and I knew that once I was in labor I would not be able to handle it. For the next couple days/nights I just stressed about it....I lost sleep over it, and just in general, felt very uneasy about everything. I also found out that they knew for awhile they would be changing offices, but never once let me know, until a week before it was going to happen. All of that combined, and after talking to my dh, we decided to switch to our local hospital. I don't know exactly why I decided to do that, but I wish now I would have stuck with my mw.

So I switched to our local hospital, and things went fine. I had one ob appt. before I went into labor. I labored at home for as long as possible, but once I felt like things were starting to move pretty fast, we went to the hospital. Once there, I was able to walk the halls, sit in the rocking chair, basically do whatever I wanted. After being there for about 13 hours (I think....I pretty much lost all concept of time then) and my labor not progressing, basically stalling, I agreed to some pitocin. I was able to work through the contractions no problem, and dh was rolling a tennis ball on my lower back the entire time. The next thing I know, I had several dr's telling me that they HAD to put an internal monitor on the baby....I didn't want it, but I couldn't vocalize that....I was busy working through the contractions that the only thing I could do was nod my head....I was barely aware of what they were saying. For awhile I was mad at dh for not sticking up for me, he knew that was something I did not want done, but I get now that he was scared and was doing what he thought was best.

So now I have the internal monitor in, unable to get up and do anything....I just laid in the bed, turing from side to side, working through each contraction. I don't remember what time it was or how long I had been in labor at this point, but my water did break on it's own, thankfully. From that point on, things went pretty fast. Within 30 mins. or so (again, I am guessing at the time frame here), I was ready to push. I was able to get this far without any pain meds as per our birth plan that we talked with them about, and they knew I didn't want any counting while I pushed either. So, I laid on my back with my legs up, pushing whenever I had the urge. My nurse that I had was was the new dr. that came in that things started to go downhill. He just barged right into the room, said his introduction in half a breath, and starts counting for me. I ignored him, and just went with what felt right. We went on like this for what felt like forever, but dh says it was about 5 mins, if that. All of a sudden, every time I pushed, I felt this immense pain in the top of my hurt so bad, that I would rather resist pushing then to feel it again. I started yelling that my thighs were hurting, but the dr. was yelling at ME! that I had to push, the baby's heart rate was dropping too low, that we had to get him out NOW.....I started to panic....the pain in my legs, it was just something unbearable, if you can believe that, lol...more so then anything else at that point, and it was magnified each time I pushed. I was asking what the pain was, but no one was answering me, and everyone was screaming at this point to push. I gathered everything in me and pushed and pushed and pushed...but it wasn't working (this is where I believe that had I been able to push in a different position, I would have had more success). All of a sudden, the dr. pulls out the vacume, quickly says they need to use it, ok? and I *think* I agreed. I know there is a max. number of times they can use the vacume, but I am not sure how many that is....well....they used the max. amount of times, and by then, there was more nurses and dr's in the room....dh says he would est. about 8-10 extra people in there. Well, since the vacume didn't work, I was told that I had to push once more, and if that didn't help get him out, they were moving me to an emergancy c/s. Somehow, someway, I found the inner strength in me, and I will never forget it, but this primal scream/yell came out of me (I am normally a quiet person during l&d), and out came Logan's head. Two more pushes, and the rest of his body was out.

They laid Logan on me, but I could not lift my arms up to touch him, everyone started to sound really far away, the room started spinning, and I remember hearing them yell medical stuff, kicking our moms out of the room, telling me to stay with them. That is the last thing I remember. I would up lossing so much blood, I had 3 transfusions, my blood pressure dropped to 70's/50's , and I started to crash. I also tore up, down, left and right. Logan had a fractured right clavicle. I woke up about 2 hours later, and I did not get to see my baby for another 4 hours. They transfered us to the recovery room, where dh got to spend a whopping 20 mins with us before he had to overnight guests allowed (it was a little after midnight at this point). So I was left by myself essentially, so sore that I couldn't even adjust myself in the bed, with Logan in the little baby crib at the foot of the bed, crying for me, but I was unable to get to him...the last time I climbed out of bed, I passed out. I kept ringing for the nurse, but she never came. The mom in the bed next to me heard me crying and got the baby for me. Once the nurse did come to the room, I was scolded for falling asleep with the baby in bed with me. I was starving by then, so I asked if I could order some food, but because it was in the middle of the night, I would have to make do with 4 graham crackers and orange juice until breakfast. I felt like I was in this nightmare that I could not get out of. I was being hounded for not nursing on a schedule instead of on demand. I wanted to leave right away the next day, but decided againt it, because there was a possibility I would have to have another transfusion at that point. The next day, once we got the all clear, we were all able to leave.

I do not have my medical records, so I am not 100% on everything that happened, why it happened, etc. For some strange reason, I don't want to read them yet. I was mad for the first few months that I changed at the last minute from my mw to the hospital, that if I was allowed to deliver in a different position, we might have been able to avoid a lot of the problems we had. This was the hardest delivery for me to recover from, physically and emotionally, and it was hard on dh to see everything happen. He said that seeing the amount of blood lost is something he won't ever be able to forget, and because of everything that happend, he does not want have anymore kids. We were going to have at least 1 or 2 more babies....babies that I feel are waiting for us. But now I have to adjust to the fact that we are done having kids.

It feels much better to have this written out finally, but I think i still have a ways to go. My little Logan made his entrance to this world on Oct. 12, 2007weighing 9 lbs. 12 oz. 21 1/2 in. long. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
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#2 of 7 Old 09-03-2008, 06:36 AM
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OH MAMA!! I am completely speechless! I wish I could offer some comforting words... I just cant imagine how traumatic that must have been for you! Thank you for sharing your story!! I believe everything happens for a reason and maybe your story will be able to help another mama. HUGS!!!

Faiza married and with , mama to DS (09.23.08) and with #2 (due in June 2010).
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#3 of 7 Old 09-03-2008, 05:30 PM
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I am so sorry mama. s:

Amri- mama to Indica 12.08.06 and Kytan 04.04.10
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#4 of 7 Old 09-08-2008, 02:32 AM - Thread Starter
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Thanks so much Mama's.

MuslimMama....I too am a type of person that believes that everything happens for a reason, but I somehow forget that when it comes to his birth, so thank you for reminding me!
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#5 of 7 Old 09-08-2008, 02:58 AM
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Mama I am so sorry you had such a hard time!
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#6 of 7 Old 09-08-2008, 05:50 PM
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Hugs mama... I understand not wanting your records yet (I couldn't really face my medical records till I was pregnant again and "had" to read them), and I understand being torn up over wanting more and not wanting more at the same time. I know it sounds really trite but give yourself (and your husband) time. My DH found my c/s birth really hard to process... he didn't have the sort of real world or online support I had so it just sort of festered in the back of his head. Some ICAN groups have special meetings just for the partners and your DH may find it healing to spend some time with other men who have had similar experiences and then supported their partners in future births.

But huge hugs and hopes for healing (inner and outer) to you.

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#7 of 7 Old 09-09-2008, 03:04 AM
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I'm so sorry you went through that. The new midwife's office that you describe sounds like it would have been a dreadful place to give birth, too--if i had been in that situation, I think I would have dropped the mw as well. I hope that you eventually find some peace.
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