Whining about transferring - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 22 Old 09-17-2008, 02:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I feel stupid posting this because Lina's birth wasn't even traumatic. But this seems like the logical place to whine about petty regrets.

I'd planned a homebirth since I first considered that I'd grow up and have kids. Wanted a UC since I heard of the idea and was ecstatic when dh came on board whole heartedly in the first month of pregnancy.

And now....

now I want a t-shirt for Lina that reads "not born at home--"

now I haven't told anyone we were trying for a UC when we transferred

now I don't even feel right saying it was a transfer since I was barely even dilated enough for them to admit me when we got to the hospital. If I hadn't been 100% effaced, they probably would have sent me home again.

anyway I know it's early yet and I will be less upset over things as time goes on and we are planning on at least one more child (and goodness knows witnessing a physiologically normal birth (please God?) is more important for Lina than being born at home)

and DH was nearly as disappointed which helps

but I just had to whine

Oh and the bitterness when someone asks "but you still ended up with a natural birth?" Hah. I am grateful I didn't have a c-section because of how difficult that recovery would have been, but I hardly think all the drugs I got equals "natural."
sapphire_chan is offline  
#2 of 22 Old 09-19-2008, 09:35 AM
 
FullMetalMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: La Push
Posts: 358
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


I've been there, I know how disappointing it is to have planned a homebirth and then transferred to the hospital. Even though it didn't end in surgery it was still heartbreaking.

+ = and .
FullMetalMom is offline  
#3 of 22 Old 09-20-2008, 04:54 PM
 
knitted_in_the_wom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 191
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hugs! It is okay to be disappointed, upset, even mourn a bit. I don't know your birth story...but obviously it was nothing like what you had wanted. We know that you are thankful for your healthy baby and what did go right in your birth.

Jenn
knitted_in_the_wom is offline  
#4 of 22 Old 09-20-2008, 05:07 PM
 
leila1213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,624
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was just lurking, but I can't figure out from your post - why did you go to the hospital? Sorry, curious. :

***
leila1213 is offline  
#5 of 22 Old 09-20-2008, 05:13 PM
 
Arwyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Twitter, RMB, PDX
Posts: 16,839
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There's no litmus test for whether your trauma (or regrets) are serious "enough" to need healing, sympathy, love, and support. It's OK to grieve even "small" losses. It's OK to feel bad. It's OK to be angry, and disappointed, and whatever else you're feeling. No one else gets to judge your feelings about your birth.
Arwyn is offline  
#6 of 22 Old 09-20-2008, 05:25 PM
 
runes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 5,177
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can really relate, and for the longest time, I felt like such a "fraud" for not having the natural birth at home that we had planned for.

It's now been almost 3 years, and it is not until very recently that I have gotten to the point that I again consider myself a "natural birthing" woman again. In the end, I realized that it was the intent that mattered. I was truly humbled by birth and the drugs that I received absolutely qualify as "compassionate use of painkillers".

Dh and I are thinking about adding to our family, and we will again plan the peaceful, natural homebirth that we had envisioned for DD's birth. And that all things considered, I feel SO fortunate to not have to be preparing for a VBAC. (ps: not harshing on mothers who have c-sections with that statement...just speaking MY truth, ok?)

Give yourself the space to mourn the loss of the birth that you had planned for. Be gentle with yourself, mama.
runes is offline  
#7 of 22 Old 09-24-2008, 06:49 AM
 
calpurnia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: south of the thames
Posts: 2,607
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've given up reading the birthing forums here because so much of the rhetoric used makes me feel like a failure.

I had also always planned a homebirth, had no fears or worries to work through about it all, assumed that since I was young & healthy & "birth works" that it would all be fine. I feel like the fact it didn't work was my fault, that I failed in my preparations somehow.

So yeah.
calpurnia is offline  
#8 of 22 Old 09-26-2008, 09:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by leila1213 View Post
I was just lurking, but I can't figure out from your post - why did you go to the hospital? Sorry, curious. :
Over 30 hours of back labor and I just couldn't anymore. If labor 2 starts like labor 1, I'm downing 3-4 glasses of wine.
sapphire_chan is offline  
#9 of 22 Old 09-26-2008, 10:24 PM
 
bobandjess99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Northern IN
Posts: 5,912
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I too felt sort of like you did..that MY birth trauma wasn't "bad enough". Heck, i didn't even transfer, my birth was just traumatizingly painful, but nothing "bad" happened in that i wasn't disrespected, cut, threatened, etc. I felt for a long time like the trauma I experienced wasn't valid or "bad enough" to warrant the extreme, debilitating effects that I had.
And by the way..i had some back labor with ds..like an hour or two at the end....I can't imagine 30 hours of it...I absolutely wouldn't have made it that long..I wouldn't have made it THREE hours..seriously. If my back labor hadn't presented during late transition/pushing, I'd have been at the hospital.

CPST
bobandjess99 is offline  
#10 of 22 Old 09-26-2008, 11:24 PM
 
leila1213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,624
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Not to hijack, but can I ask a question of the OP and PPs who feel disappointed in not having the births they planned for? If the way the rhetoric is set up here on MDC to expect that everything will go well left you feeling like you 'failed', then what do you feel is the 'right' way to support someone who wants a natural birth? I'm asking because my sister is pregnant with her first and is planning a natural birth center birth. How can I help her prepare for possible pain or complications that might derail her plans, without it seeming like I don't believe in her ability to birth naturally? Thoughts on how we can do better to support each other for any outcome, when we want to support as natural a birth as possible? I don't want her to feel like a failure or like she's disappointing *me* if she doesn't end up with the birth she wants. (I hope I'm saying this the way it sounds in my head...)

***
leila1213 is offline  
#11 of 22 Old 09-27-2008, 12:43 AM
 
Arwyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Twitter, RMB, PDX
Posts: 16,839
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Leila, I think that'd be a great topic to start in the main Birth and Beyond forum, and you'll get a lot more responses that way, and not derail sapphire_chan's thread. You can link to it here if you want these women to answer.
Arwyn is offline  
#12 of 22 Old 09-27-2008, 11:44 AM
 
leila1213's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,624
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwyn View Post
Leila, I think that'd be a great topic to start in the main Birth and Beyond forum, and you'll get a lot more responses that way, and not derail sapphire_chan's thread. You can link to it here if you want these women to answer.
Good idea. Sorry, sapphire_chan!

***
leila1213 is offline  
#13 of 22 Old 09-27-2008, 02:47 PM
 
Synchro246's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,821
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
saphire

I've always felt a sisterly bond to you here on these boards and you've been lovingly supportive of me when I've whined about my transfer to the hospital with my first. It took me a long time to process the whole thing. I remember coming home from the hospital to the house, all prepared for birth, UGH . I recently looked at pics from that birth and the bitter half of my bitter-sweet feelings are finally fading, 3.5 years & a normal, quick homebirth later.
First time transfers are SO common whereas the second time around things really are much more likely to play out more smoothly. Really.

Your body is obviously incredible--you made a GORGEOUS baby!


I'm rambling.


~laura
and planning to eat it again
Synchro246 is offline  
#14 of 22 Old 09-27-2008, 03:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by leila1213 View Post
Good idea. Sorry, sapphire_chan!
That's fine. I'm not quite ready to answer the question fully myself, but it's a great one. I'll check out the new thread.
sapphire_chan is offline  
#15 of 22 Old 10-24-2008, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
And now the bills are coming in. Which is extra annoying because the only reason I bought health insurance, and got an extension of coverage, was to not have to deal with the bills if I had to go to the hospital.

sapphire_chan is offline  
#16 of 22 Old 10-24-2008, 07:36 PM
 
Doula Dani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Western WA!
Posts: 776
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I want to ask you- what was beautiful about your birth? I agree that it sounds like there were disappointing parts, and I know that that is a hard thing to deal with. Very hard.

What went right? Let's talk about it.
Doula Dani is offline  
#17 of 22 Old 10-26-2008, 06:55 PM
 
magnoliasmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 50
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm dealing with the same things right now. The heartache I felt over the birth of our baby was unbearable. I haven't had a chance to write it all down yet, but I'll be posting my own story soon.

I just wanted to share whats really helping me at the moment. Find all the things about your birth that you can be really proud of.

Like for me... I'm proud that I healed so incredibly quick from major abdominal surgery... or that my body stopped labor when something was not right... or that I found the space in my heart to forgive my midwife even though she was really insensitive towards me after the birth.

Find one thing and write it down and then find another. Keep writing down all the things about your birth that you are proud of. Soon enough you'll be beaming with pride over your experience and how amazing you really are.

Right off, I would say that tolerating 30 hours of back labor makes you pretty effing amazing!

mothering my beautiful crash cesarean
magnoliasmama is offline  
#18 of 22 Old 10-26-2008, 07:01 PM
 
magnoliasmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 50
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
And now the bills are coming in. Which is extra annoying because the only reason I bought health insurance, and got an extension of coverage, was to not have to deal with the bills if I had to go to the hospital.
Oh, and I'm dealing with this too. When I saw the bills I cried. Twenty percent of sixty thousand dollars is a lot of money :

mothering my beautiful crash cesarean
magnoliasmama is offline  
#19 of 22 Old 10-26-2008, 07:22 PM
 
Juniperberry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 351
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Im glad i found this thread. I know what it's like coming to terms with the fact that the birth you experienced was so far from the one you imagined.

I had DS at the hospital (was totally ignorant to the option of doing it any other way at the time) and I wanted to have a natural birth and experience everything, and enjoy drawing strength from DH - I had a real vision of how it would be.

I ended up being induced when I was 41 weeks (again, I was ignorant as to my options) with pitocin and I went from no pain to excruciating madness in 2 hours and I cried for an epidural. I got the epidural and that was that. No more pain. I felt delirious and strange... anyway, I had to be told when to push, they had to help him out with a ventouse... and I was and still am incredibly dissapointed with the birth and with myself for not handling it and not being more prepared. I really feel like I failed.

Reading that you went through 30 hours of back labor is incredible... I couldn't even handle 2 hours.... so to me you're already a saint

I totally agree with the pp's that you really need to think of the positive parts of the birth no matter how small and insignificant they may be. There are good points to mine... it took me a long time to see them, but it does help.

s

Mama to 2 gorgeous little boys 5 yrs and 2.5 yrs fencing.gif expecting another babyf.gif in November 2011!!

It's a stork-girl.gif !!! hearts.gif
Living with my amazing partner love.gif and 4 cat.gif
 

Juniperberry is offline  
#20 of 22 Old 10-28-2008, 12:11 AM
 
cottonwood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 7,366
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwyn
There's no litmus test for whether your trauma (or regrets) are serious "enough" to need healing, sympathy, love, and support. It's OK to grieve even "small" losses. It's OK to feel bad. It's OK to be angry, and disappointed, and whatever else you're feeling. No one else gets to judge your feelings about your birth.


Quote:
Originally Posted by bobandjess99
I too felt sort of like you did..that MY birth trauma wasn't "bad enough".
I'm really glad for this thread, because although I refer to my birth as traumatic, I always feel afraid that when people actually hear the story they'll be like, "Uh... okayyyy..."

Quote:
And by the way..i had some back labor with ds..like an hour or two at the end....I can't imagine 30 hours of it...I absolutely wouldn't have made it that long..I wouldn't have made it THREE hours..seriously. If my back labor hadn't presented during late transition/pushing, I'd have been at the hospital.
Well, all back labor isn't created equal. There's feeling contractions in your back and then there's feeling like your back IS BEING RIPPED APART. Neither is fun, but one extreme is definitely do-able longer than the other!
cottonwood is offline  
#21 of 22 Old 10-31-2008, 11:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,769
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by fourlittlebirds View Post
Well, all back labor isn't created equal. There's feeling contractions in your back and then there's feeling like your back IS BEING RIPPED APART. Neither is fun, but one extreme is definitely do-able longer than the other!
So true. For most of those 30 hours I had what I'd consider to be 5s or 6s on the pain scale that I could get down to 3s or 4s with coping techniques. For the 5 or 6 hours before transferring they'd gone to 7s/8s with peaks in the 9s/10s and nothing made any difference.

Hmm, positive things?

Discovering that dh is a fantastic labor partner--he kept his mouth SHUT (except when I needed talking) and didn't project worry at all.
Dh announcing the gender by saying "here's Lina, dear."
How calm Lina was when I first saw her, that part was actually just as I had pictured it being.

And I daresay that in a year or so I'll be able to look back at those first exciting moments of "I think this might be real labor!" without dredging up what came afterwards.
sapphire_chan is offline  
#22 of 22 Old 11-02-2008, 09:39 PM
 
downwardhusky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 13
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We transferred to the hospital and it was not traumatic in any of the ways that I'd imagined... staff were nice, nobody said anything negative about our home birth attempt, no interventions were forced, they allowed my midwife to direct my care and just checked in with the OB on call, & they were very supportive of bonding and breastfeeding.

I did end up having a cesarean birth, and fortunately or unfortunately, it was MY decision. Our baby was big, posterior and I'd spent 12 hours fully dilated, trying to push, with her head caught on my public bone. We had tried so many different ways to get her to move down, but nothing helped. Our midwife thought IV Pitocin would do the trick and that's why I agreed to go to the hospital. I had no idea that after a few hours on Pitocin, I'd be asking for a cesarean.

Everyone on my birth team has told me over and over that it was a necessary c/s and that we'd done "everything" to get the baby to move down, but I still feel like I gave up.

Like the OP, I had wanted a home-birth for years & this was our first baby.
downwardhusky is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off