Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: In my head
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Elisha; happy, working, mountain/river/music, single mamma to Charlotte 03/16/08. http://rivermamma.blogspot.com/
I really want to put things right between us, but I don't know how to go about it.
I feel really betrayed by the fact that he didn't take any interest in learning about pregnancy and birth, that he didn't do the simple things I'd asked him to do while I was in labour (encourage me to drink and be nice to me), and that he didn't do anything to protect me and DD during our hospital transfer nightmare.
I feel that the whole awfulness could have been avoided if he'd made sure I drank enough (I ended up getting pretty dehydrated) and if he'd just believed in my ability to do it and told me so. The only reason I agreed to the transfer was because both he and the midwife obviously doubted me - I was sure that I and baby were fine, but I couldn't continue with my 'support' people being so unsupportive.
This lack of faith in me is really worrying me. I'm also worried that he has no respect for me anymore, after having seen me being treated with such disrespect by both the midwife and the hospital personnel. I was basically raped and tortured in front of him (cervix stretched, episiotomy and forceps delivery all without warning or my consent and without any pain relief whatsoever, or as far as I can figure without any good cause either, apart from to punish me for attempting homebirth) and he did absolutely nothing to stop it. Then later when I broke down and begged him to help me get out of the hospital with DD ( they kept us there for 4 days) he exploded in rage and told me the whole thing was my fault, because I didn't trust the doctors (?!) and walked out, leaving me alone there.
We haven't had sex since - tried once about 2 months PP and it was excruciatingly painful for me, not to mention the flashbacks it brought back. I would really like to at least try to be physically intimate with him again, but I need to resolve some of these issues first. I don't know how to bring up the issues without making him angry or defensive, which have been the only reactions I've gotten from him on the very few occasions that I have brought it up.
I guess I just need him to really appreciate how much this has affected me, how worried I am about what it says about the state of our relationship and I need him to make some effort to repair the trust between us.
Any ideas how I can go about this? Is there a structured way we could talk about it without getting him all defensive from the get-go? (I've tried the 'I' statements, but he still just hears criticism)
Thanks for reading this.