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#1 of 10 Old 05-20-2009, 07:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyone else getting cold feet about labor/delivery and being a mom? I have a friend who just had a baby, and things didn't go as planned for her. Granted, she really wasn't prepared at all (neither her or her husband read a single book, took any classes, or prepared mentally/physically for a natural birth), but she ended up with almost 24 hours of labor and an epidural...then stopped breastfeeding when her daughter was 4 days old because of the pain...now she is having a hard time in general because the baby doesn't sleep unless she is being held and she is completely on her own...very few friends, no family, and her husband is gone at work then school from 8 am to 10 pm.

Any way, yesterday I went over there to help her for a little while...she wanted to get a shower and go to the laundry mat. I brought her some meals and watched the baby while she did that. Well baby had a poopy diaper...I went to go change it, and the baby was fussing and had her tiny arms and legs so scrunched up...I have changed THOUSANDS of diapers since I've been babysitting for 10 years and nannying for 4...and yet, I could NOT get that teeny tiny baby diapered. I have never changed a baby that tiny (and she's over 7 lbs, so not like she is a preemie!) Then, she was still fussy even after the diaper change...I felt pure panic when she was crying! All the confidence I felt about being a mom because of my experience with kids went straight out the window. On top of that, listening to my friend talk about how hard her labor was, and how hard breastfeeding was, has scared me too. I can't help but wonder, what if I can't do it? What if it hurts too much? What if I get too tired? Another friend the other day gave me this talk about how it's totally normal not to love or even like your baby at first, and if I don't, or if I even am depressed and want to kill my baby, she would be there for me...I appreciate the sentiment, but it got me wondering...what if I DONT love my baby? I love her so much already that I don't see how I couldn't...but what IF, you know?

I've been counting down the days until she could be here, but the last 2 or 3 days all of the sudden I have cold feet about labor, cold feet about being a mom in general, and I want her to stay in for awhile, while I try to prepare myself a little bit more.

Single mama to S ~ 6/09

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#2 of 10 Old 05-20-2009, 07:19 PM
 
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DDC crashing....There WILL be very, very, very tough moments and hard times. But your life will be so much more meaningful and fulfilled, it will be worth it.

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#3 of 10 Old 05-20-2009, 08:57 PM
 
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take a deep breath! trust me when i say that your baby crying, is nothing like listening to another persons baby cry. i am not nervous about labor and delivery, i actually love that part of pregnancy. it is so productive, and feels like i have control, instead of pregnancy, which makes me fell like i am just along for the ride. every now and then when we have a hard day, i wonder why i thought a third baby was a good idea, but i know that after he is here, i will never second guess it again. i think that there is a lot to be said for going in to labor prepared, and with a strong support group. make sure that you know what you want, and that you also know what can go wrong. have an open mind to an epidural, just in case. then if you need one, you wont feel like you failed. i would also recommend having some breast feeding support lined up before you deliver. a baby who is latched on well, should not cause you any pain, but it is not always easy to get a good latch your first time around. you can never be too prepared, or have too much help!
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#4 of 10 Old 05-21-2009, 11:49 AM
 
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Ditto OP. You can NOT compare another crying baby to your own. We are physiologically and psychologically linked to our children - and their cries. Wait til your baby is born and they cry and you have letdown like crazy (though it can happen with other crying kids too!)

I was one of those situations where my labor did not go as expected, I had HORRIBLE ppd after he was born (I once sat and sobbed and told my DS I was sorry he got me for a mother) - but I would NEVER say I didn't love him. The feelings you have for htat child are immeasurable. Did I like being a mom? At the time - absolutely not. But I think that's NORMAL.

I honestly think that my experience w/ kids as well as having helped raise siblings 10+ years younger than me had me overconfident. And when nothing turned out the way I expected it seriously threw me for a loop. But we worked through it - and I'm so much happier now because of it - and think we're better parents for it. Baby won't sleep unless you're holding it? Seriously embrace AP and wear your baby. Co-sleep. Nurse on demand. It's such a bonding thing and was great for us. We swaddled him and started co-sleeping and it was like night and day from when he was born. The first few weeks are HARD. I think you just have to expect that. And if it ends up being easier than you think, all the better!

Nursing - I've said it before but I'll say it again. GET HELP! LLL, LC's, or experienced friends. I had horrible pain and would cry through each nursing session before I realized how jacked we had our latch and hwo much damage it was doing to my nipples. Once I got help it was like night and day - and went on to nurse for 2.5 years.

I also think the parents here on mdc are here for a reason - and we don't choose the "easy" way out of parenting. I know it's harder at times because of that - but totally worth it. We didn't "train" our son to sleep when we wanted him to. We didn't restrict his feedings to be convenient for us. We try to treat him like we would want to be treated in his shoes (silly in a way to think about - but I mean, why wouldn't a tiny little baby want to be held all the time? I certainly would!)

You will get through it and it will be the most amazing thing you've ever done. Trust me!

  SAHM CrossFitting mama to DS (6) and DD (3) and surprise #3 due in September!  winner.jpg familybed1.gif homebirth.jpg

 

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#5 of 10 Old 05-21-2009, 12:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by goin' green View Post
Ditto OP. You can NOT compare another crying baby to your own. We are physiologically and psychologically linked to our children - and their cries. Wait til your baby is born and they cry and you have letdown like crazy (though it can happen with other crying kids too!)

I was one of those situations where my labor did not go as expected, I had HORRIBLE ppd after he was born (I once sat and sobbed and told my DS I was sorry he got me for a mother) - but I would NEVER say I didn't love him. The feelings you have for htat child are immeasurable. Did I like being a mom? At the time - absolutely not. But I think that's NORMAL.

I honestly think that my experience w/ kids as well as having helped raise siblings 10+ years younger than me had me overconfident. And when nothing turned out the way I expected it seriously threw me for a loop. But we worked through it - and I'm so much happier now because of it - and think we're better parents for it. Baby won't sleep unless you're holding it? Seriously embrace AP and wear your baby. Co-sleep. Nurse on demand. It's such a bonding thing and was great for us. We swaddled him and started co-sleeping and it was like night and day from when he was born. The first few weeks are HARD. I think you just have to expect that. And if it ends up being easier than you think, all the better!

Nursing - I've said it before but I'll say it again. GET HELP! LLL, LC's, or experienced friends. I had horrible pain and would cry through each nursing session before I realized how jacked we had our latch and hwo much damage it was doing to my nipples. Once I got help it was like night and day - and went on to nurse for 2.5 years.

I also think the parents here on mdc are here for a reason - and we don't choose the "easy" way out of parenting. I know it's harder at times because of that - but totally worth it. We didn't "train" our son to sleep when we wanted him to. We didn't restrict his feedings to be convenient for us. We try to treat him like we would want to be treated in his shoes (silly in a way to think about - but I mean, why wouldn't a tiny little baby want to be held all the time? I certainly would!)

You will get through it and it will be the most amazing thing you've ever done. Trust me!
:
Pefectly said.

You'll do great! There will be struggles but you'll do just fine momma.
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#6 of 10 Old 05-21-2009, 01:10 PM
 
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24 hours of labor is normal, prepare for that. It will be hard, but the moment the baby is out, it is like you forget almost everything. (we must, I am on pg 7 and look at how many of us have had multiple children).

Breast feeding is not always easy, and you WILL be tired, but learn quickly to sleep with the baby, who cares what the house is like and just be with your baby.

of course the baby will want to be held, infants need to feel secure. It is the best time ever. They will let you snuggle and hold them for hours. It is awesome. Trust me, it goes by WAY too quickly. My 12 year old wont snuggle anymore and it seems like he was born just yesterday.

That doesn't mean that you can't take a shower. I used to take my kids into the bathroom and I would take a quick shower. If they cried for a minute, then they had to cry and I would talk to them the whole time and tell them that I loved them, but that sometimes mommy HAD to do certain things. Once they could come in the shower with me (after the cord fell off) life was easier, they were just in the shower with me.

I know CIO is not ok, and that isn't what I am talking about, I am talking about knowing it is OK to take care of your basic human needs as well as taking care of your kids needs. Using the restroom and showering. I felt guilty about it, until my mom had a long talk with me. Not taking care of myself is not going to make me a better mom, only a martyr and that will make the kid suffer. I am also not talking an hour long bath, just a quick shower to wash up and get out.

It is ok to feel overwhelmed and stressed and all that, but it DOES get better.

With all that said, I am scared about having this baby. Not so much being a mom, btdt and I don't think any of that part scares me, but what does worry me slightly is how this baby is going to affect my other kids. How having to devote so much time to an infant is going to interfer with our lives and what our normal routine is with the older kids. I am sure we will work it all out. It just can get a little scary.
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#7 of 10 Old 05-21-2009, 04:12 PM
 
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Hugs to you, Mama

I know it's scary the first time and there are tons of doubts about what you're capable of. I had all those fears when I was coming into labor with my DD. It was a hard labor, too. On top of that, it did take me a while to really feel connected to her. I remember when she was put on my tummy I didn't get this overwhelming flow of love. It was more like, "So now what do I do with you?" I remember when she was about 6 weeks, changing a diaper and bursting into tears over what felt like the drudgery of it.

But you know what? By three months, she was the light of my life and still is. I adore her and my life is so much better because she's in it. I fear bad things happening to her because I literally can't imagine living without her now.

The love comes. So do the parenting skills and emotions. It all comes in time. You just have to be open to letting it take it's own course and going with the flow of it.

Nursing - like phrogger said, if you have trouble establishing the nursing relationship with your babe then get help. It took us about a month with DD to figure it out. When I finally nailed one position with her I didn't want to nurse any other way for ages because I knew one that worked. By the end of her nursing career, I could nurse her standing on my head, I swear. It comes. It's a skill you BOTH have to learn. So don't worry or take it personally if you struggle in the beginning. Everyone does. Babies need to learn just as much as their mamas do.

You'll be a GREAT mother. You will. Trust in yourself.

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#8 of 10 Old 05-21-2009, 04:17 PM
 
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Phrogger said:
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With all that said, I am scared about having this baby. Not so much being a mom, btdt and I don't think any of that part scares me, but what does worry me slightly is how this baby is going to affect my other kids. How having to devote so much time to an infant is going to interfer with our lives and what our normal routine is with the older kids. I am sure we will work it all out. It just can get a little scary.
Yeah. I worry how this new baby is going to affect my DD, too. She's a very momma-identified little preschooler right now and I don't know how she's going to handle me having less time for her. She's sensitive, very emotional and very stubborn. But she turns all that in on herself. She's not a tantrum thrower, she starts doing other things like chewing on her fingers, hitting herself, going away and hiding. That sort of thing. I really do worry how she'll adapt.

To that end, all the people coming to help with the baby have been told that they'll be helping with the preschooler. I can handle the baby, no problem. I need help with my DD. Their mission is to make her feel loved and special and proud of her big girl self. They know they are to do special things with her like go to beaches, parks, etc. and tell her that these are things only big sisters get to do, etc.

Weary SuperMama superhero.gifto my  amazing neurodiverse 6 y.o. DD hearts.gif and to my on-the-go neurotypical 3 y.o. DS wild.gif

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#9 of 10 Old 05-21-2009, 05:27 PM
 
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Please don't use your friend's experience with her baby as a sign of things to come for you. Like you said, she was not at all prepared.. but you are! You have read books, I am sure, and you have an awesome community of mothers to gain knowledge from. MDC was invaluable after I had DS.

Go to your local LLL meeting and get to know the mamas there so that you feel like you can call any of the leaders if/when you have questions and concerns about BFing.

Don't expect to have a clean house for a while, and please ask people to bring you food when they come to visit.

You will be just fine!!! There are hard times but the love you will feel is overwhelming and it grows every day.

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My boys: S (4) & O (2) & Expecting #3 in Dec. 2011

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#10 of 10 Old 05-22-2009, 12:48 AM
 
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Phrogger said:

Yeah. I worry how this new baby is going to affect my DD, too. She's a very momma-identified little preschooler right now and I don't know how she's going to handle me having less time for her. She's sensitive, very emotional and very stubborn. But she turns all that in on herself. She's not a tantrum thrower, she starts doing other things like chewing on her fingers, hitting herself, going away and hiding. That sort of thing. I really do worry how she'll adapt.

To that end, all the people coming to help with the baby have been told that they'll be helping with the preschooler. I can handle the baby, no problem. I need help with my DD. Their mission is to make her feel loved and special and proud of her big girl self. They know they are to do special things with her like go to beaches, parks, etc. and tell her that these are things only big sisters get to do, etc.
That is exactly what I did when my second son was born. Anyone wanting to help had to help with HIM, I had the baby under control no problem, and I wanted my oldest to feel like he was the special center of attention.

Now he is 12, and my other two (son and step son) are 9. They are so busy with just life in general. Band, music lessons over the summer I hope, baseball, bowling, swimming etc. Those activities worry me a little, and how the baby will fit into our schedule. At least I keep reminding the older kids, it should be easy to just drag the baby along. A boob, some diapers and my arms should be pretty good for the baby for a while at least.
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