When is the *safest* time to start spreading the news? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 10-05-2008, 11:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We found out that I'm pregnant today. Or at least two HPT's were positive.

I know there is a pretty high chance of miscarriage up to what? Eight weeks?
Is it better to wait until then to tell anyone?
I want to tell all sorts of people! I am just afraid to. Very afraid.

We're excited but this is our first. Everyone told us to wait until we'd been married a year to think about kids (we've been married 5 months.) and my father in law just passed away.
While we want to share the news, we realize we're going to get mixed emotions from a lot of people and we're scared to tell and then something happen.

So when is the safest time to start telling people??
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#2 of 19 Old 10-05-2008, 11:20 PM
 
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We found out that I'm pregnant today. Or at least two HPT's were positive.
You're PREGNANT. Congratulations & welcome.


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I know there is a pretty high chance of miscarriage up to what? Eight weeks?
Is it better to wait until then to tell anyone?
I want to tell all sorts of people! I am just afraid to. Very afraid.

We're excited but this is our first. Everyone told us to wait until we'd been married a year to think about kids (we've been married 5 months.) and my father in law just passed away.
While we want to share the news, we realize we're going to get mixed emotions from a lot of people and we're scared to tell and then something happen.

So when is the safest time to start telling people??
My understanding is that your risk of miscarriage starts out enormous and decreases gradually throughout the first trimester. The standard time to tell people is after the first trimester, but obviously you can tell anytime you like. Unfortunately, there is no time when you are totally safe. Things can go wrong anytime. Personally, I think you have to balance your desire for privacy with your desire to share and calculate in how long it'll take before you start showing, and you'll have your answer. With DD, I waited to tell almost everyone until I was almost a solid 12 weeks and only told ahead of that time because DH was in the hospital and it seemed like the family needed some good news. I was definitely not showing at that time. Now I am 5 weeks and I feel like I'm showing--but I know it's all just me. :
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#3 of 19 Old 10-05-2008, 11:30 PM
 
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I am told by my reproductive endocrinologist that once you see a heartbeat on ultrasound your miscarriage risk drops to 1%. Having said that, I've had one of those miscarriages, so I would personally wait until 13 and 1/3 weeks pregnant, which is when you enter the second trimester.
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#4 of 19 Old 10-05-2008, 11:35 PM
 
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The other thing is--and I probably shouldn't even bring it up because I (like many of the ladies on this board) am trying to stay positive--that you could have what is called a "missed" miscarriage. You could continue to have the signs of pregnancy despite the fact that the baby stopped growing weeks ago. So the miscarriage might have taken place at, say, 6 weeks, but you may not find out until 9 weeks. Just to complicate things a bit more.

Ugh. I am freaking myself out. Sorry, everyone.
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#5 of 19 Old 10-05-2008, 11:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Eek.

Wow. We're scared, I'm not going to lie. I almost wish I didn't know but I guess at the same time, I'd of been more likely to miscarry if I weren't taking care of myself.
Went right out and got prenatal vitamins and juices and stuff, as I was a pop addict before! No time better than now to break my addiction (DH has been trying a LONG time, too! haha)

Guess I'll just cross my fingers. We're having a wedding reception here in a few weeks (we were married in Vegas so we waited to have our reception when everyone could make it back home) and so that should take my mind off things and help me keep from telling everyone! Or maybe it'll work the opposite! lol.
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#6 of 19 Old 10-06-2008, 09:11 AM
 
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It sound like you might not be met with a lot of support, so I guess I don't see any advantage in telling until you are 12 weeks or so. I know some people tell right away because whether they have a healthy pregnancy or lose the baby, they want the love and support of people around them. Others don't want to have to deal with other people when dealing with a loss or they don't want to deal with the disapproval others might have.

It can also vary by pregnancy--we told our family right away with out last pregnancy because we needed and received the support. This time, we're waiting--not sure why, just don't feel like sharing yet

I think it's so important to enjoy every moment and not live in fear. It's good to be aware of the realities, but none of that changes the fact that you are pregnant NOW!

Attached, homeschooling mom to Sam (10), Henry (8), Clara (5--now in public school Kindergarten) and Noah (2)

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#7 of 19 Old 10-06-2008, 09:22 AM
 
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I think it's so important to enjoy every moment and not live in fear. It's good to be aware of the realities, but none of that changes the fact that you are pregnant NOW!
I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Unfortunately, whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Instead of living in fear of that enjoy and celebrate your pregnancy. Mourning the possibility of a loss before a loss will not make it any easier.

I suggest telling your family you are pregnant when you are ready to tell them. You can generally consider yourself safer somewhere between 8-13 weeks (every week the chance of a loss lower). With ds we waited until I was about 8 weeks. With my second pregnancy we told everyone at 4 weeks. This pregnancy we are waiting to tell until 12 weeks. My two closest friends already know, and I will tell my brother before that too. They are sworn to secrecy, and we are waiting to tell everyone else. You can also do something like this.

Good luck with your decision. Most importantly, CONGRATULATIONS!!! :::
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#8 of 19 Old 10-06-2008, 09:29 AM
 
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Unfortunately, whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Instead of living in fear of that enjoy and celebrate your pregnancy. Mourning the possibility of a loss before a loss will not make it any easier.

Most importantly, CONGRATULATIONS!!! :::
Thanks...We (I) needed a reminder, I guess. :
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#9 of 19 Old 10-06-2008, 09:58 AM
 
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Mourning the possibility of a loss before a loss will not make it any easier.
Very true I think it's natural to want to protect ourselves from being hurt, but maybe it's just not possible and uses up valuable energy we could be using toward more positive activities/thoughts.

My personal theory about losses is that there are actually two parts: the sadness/grief from losing your beloved little one and then the shock. Some people say it's not as bad to lose an early pregnancy as when it happens later on. But really, the grief can be exactly the same. MAYBE the shock is not as great in an early loss--I know both my losses were completely shocking to me--I was totally unprepared to hear the news. But for many, the shock of an early loss is huge. Some people bond more quickly than others. Everyone's different.

Just rambling. Not really pertaining to the original question I've been thinking about my "theory" a lot over the past few years.

Attached, homeschooling mom to Sam (10), Henry (8), Clara (5--now in public school Kindergarten) and Noah (2)

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#10 of 19 Old 10-06-2008, 10:15 AM
 
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Very true I think it's natural to want to protect ourselves from being hurt, but maybe it's just not possible and uses up valuable energy we could be using toward more positive activities/thoughts.
I agree. Personally, I do not think there is anyway to protect yourself.

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My personal theory about losses is that there are actually two parts: the sadness/grief from losing your beloved little one and then the shock. Some people say it's not as bad to lose an early pregnancy as when it happens later on. But really, the grief can be exactly the same. MAYBE the shock is not as great in an early loss--I know both my losses were completely shocking to me--I was totally unprepared to hear the news. But for many, the shock of an early loss is huge. Some people bond more quickly than others. Everyone's different.

Just rambling. Not really pertaining to the original question I've been thinking about my "theory" a lot over the past few years.
I agree with your theory. In the support group I participated in the grief of first trimester losses sounded exactly the same as second trimester and even full term still births. You would never know when a baby was lost based on the expression of grief. We all grieved the same. I also think there is a third part to your theory mostly for first trimester losses (but not limited to). This does not affect everyone, but in my experience most people. It is society's/people's insensitivity and lack of sympathy for the loss. People say horrific things, ignore the loss, etc, etc. Things you would never say to a family of an infant that died, and for many of us we loved our baby just as much as if we had held them. Few people consider the loss even valid. (As I was told, "at least it was not a baby.") After the shock and sadness of finding out that we were not ever going to be able to hold our developing infant (or watch him grow up), the reaction from most people felt like I was being battered when I was already down. (I guess you can see more clearly why we are not telling for so long this time.)
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#11 of 19 Old 10-06-2008, 10:26 AM
 
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If what you're worried about is that you'll have to go back and tell tons of people all over again if you have a loss, then I agree with the 13 1/2 weeks aspect, especially as I've had a loss at exactly 12 weeks. With that one, I was still running into people weeks later who would ask about my pregnancy-- who I'd forgotten even knew. That sucked. Still, there's not much point in keeping it a total secret for three months-- you need support from the people closest to you, in the first trimester as much as any other, and (god forbid) in case of a loss, too. I tell fewer and fewer people with every pregnancy, but always a few close friends, my parents, etc., b/c they need to know.

If I were you, though, I wouldn't worry about miscarrying too much! As PP have pointed out, it doesn't do any good. Also, once you get that , the odds are very good that you will go on to have a baby in 38/40 weeks-- the vast majority do! While m/c is a possibility, it's not a large one. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Mara, mama to two boys born 05/2009 and 04/2011, after four miscarriages. 

Also: chicken3.gif  dog2.gif

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#12 of 19 Old 10-06-2008, 06:17 PM
 
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Others have good advice. FWIW, we tell on tiers...close girlfriends and my mom know immediately; people who I see regularly who will notice a change in my energy level and ability to eat anything without turning green know when it's appropriate...and we wait to tell "the world" until we've heard a hb.

So you can tell some people and not others. It's nice to have someone to share your secret with.
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#13 of 19 Old 10-07-2008, 04:23 PM
 
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Eek.

Wow. We're scared, I'm not going to lie. I almost wish I didn't know but I guess at the same time, I'd of been more likely to miscarry if I weren't taking care of myself.
Went right out and got prenatal vitamins and juices and stuff, as I was a pop addict before! No time better than now to break my addiction (DH has been trying a LONG time, too! haha)

Guess I'll just cross my fingers. We're having a wedding reception here in a few weeks (we were married in Vegas so we waited to have our reception when everyone could make it back home) and so that should take my mind off things and help me keep from telling everyone! Or maybe it'll work the opposite! lol.
I am jumping in from the April DDC and coudn't not write! My DH and I have been married 9 months now "officially" (we had a JP wedding for military reasons) and we had our "big" wedding/reception (we did both) in August. I was 5 weeks pregnant at ours!! I was nervous for some of the same reasons but to hear it from someone else makes it sound more silly. People you love should be HAPPY for you! My DH and I were only together 4 months before our first wedding so I really thought I was going to get some comments. It really should only matter when YOU are ready! I waited until 12 weeks due to a past m/c where we luckily didn't tell anyone besides our parents and everyone truly is really happy for us (we told last week)! Most of the comments I did get were something like "I knew you would have kids right away"!! I have been "ready" (are we ever really ready lol) for kids for a long time!

The fear of miscarriage is completely normal but please know that under most circumstances there is nothing you can do about it either way. As hard as going through it was thinking that way has been helping me get through this pregnancy so far.

Good luck!!

Married to my best friend Mama to DS1 4/2009 and DS2 3/2011 and two Remembering 3/2008
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#14 of 19 Old 10-07-2008, 05:55 PM
 
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I think it is pretty common for most to be afraid of a possible miscarriage, especially with their first. But babies feed off of anxiety and stress, so it is just better for the both of you to try and not focus on that. Take care of yourself, enjoy this time and celebrate with those that you want to.

This being our fourth pregnancy and I have a history of healthy, full term pregnancies, I felt confident in sharing our news ASAP. It just isn't something I could keep secret

Congratulations! There are no words to describe the love you are going to feel for this child. It is almost overwhelming and you won't even know what it feels like until the day you hold your precious baby. Wishing you a happy, healthy, uneventful pregnancy!

Tanya, wife to my best friend momma to Blake 2/02, Jacob 5/04, Parker 12/05 and MaKenna : 6/09
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#15 of 19 Old 10-07-2008, 06:08 PM
 
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Try not to worry too much, I think it is hard not to tell those closest to you. I have always told my Mom and Best Friends right away (after DH, of course). They will be the ones there to support you either way. I have had both experiences. My first was my full term ds, he is now a happy, healthy 2 1/2 year old. My second ended in m/c at 16 weeks (2 weeks ago), so many people knew I was expecting. There has been much sympathy from those who know and it hasn't made me feel any worse!

I'm not sure how soon I will tell others next time but my Mom will know within a few hours I am sure.

Best of luck & congrats

Mama to sweet Joey (01/27/06), rainbow1284.gif VBAC baby Rita born 09/12/09!
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#16 of 19 Old 10-07-2008, 06:24 PM
 
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Congratulations

I would say after the first trimester is the safest to tell people, but if you want to tell them sooner I would wait until you at least get a confirmation from an OB. My husband and I have the agreement that we won't tell anyone before I'm in my second trimester, for any of my pregnancies because I'm at high risk for miscarriages/ ectopic pregnancies.
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#17 of 19 Old 10-09-2008, 08:45 PM
 
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I always told people right away, this was my third pregnancy, but I am miscarrying (7wks today) and now I have to tell everyone that no I am not going to have a baby. My 3 year old is heartbroken and cried and has now decided that I am wrong, that the baby is going to stay and has continued to kiss my little belly and tell the baby that he loves "her." It is really sad, so I wish that I hadn't told anyone, especially since people kind of act weird about it. I am okay with it because I trust my body and believe that everyone is born and dies in a divine way, so I am not too sad, but it is a lonely kind of thing. Good luck with all your pregnancies, this is a wonderful time of year to be pregnant and nurture yourself.

homebirthing organic mama to three crazy boys very blessed!!
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#18 of 19 Old 10-09-2008, 08:47 PM
 
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I always told people right away, this was my third pregnancy, but I am miscarrying (7wks today) and now I have to tell everyone that no I am not going to have a baby. My 3 year old is heartbroken and cried and has now decided that I am wrong, that the baby is going to stay and has continued to kiss my little belly and tell the baby that he loves "her." It is really sad, so I wish that I hadn't told anyone, especially since people kind of act weird about it. I am okay with it because I trust my body and believe that everyone is born and dies in a divine way, so I am not too sad, but it is a lonely kind of thing. Good luck with all your pregnancies, this is a wonderful time of year to be pregnant and nurture yourself.
I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself.
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#19 of 19 Old 10-09-2008, 09:51 PM
 
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With my first, we told everyone at 5 weeks. With the second, I'd had a chemical pregnancy the cycle before, so the realization of possible m/c was more real. We told everyone after we saw the heartbeat on u/s at 8 weeks. This time, we'll probably do the same.

And likewise, we do tiers of who we tell. Like grandparents will likely know very soon. My best friends knew as soon as I took a test. Ok, every forum I am on knows, and I just tested today. : Oh, and my DH doesn't know yet, since he's still at work.

We'll wait to tell people at church and some the other friends until after that 8 week u/s though. That way, if something happens, it's not too hard to tell everyone, and I do still get some support for my loss as well. I had BFP about 4 months ago *after* having a light and unusual period, and I had told all my forums and close friends that I was pregnant. Got to the 6 week OB appt, peed in the cup, and found out I wasn't really pregnant. I don't know if it was a false positive or if I'd had an early m/c. I'll never know. But it really wasn't that hard to tell a few forums and some close friends. And I appreciated that I wasn't going through it all completely alone. I think there are two friends I never did tell, but I haven't run into them, so they'll just find out soon that I wasn't preg last time but am preg this time.

Mama to Tornado Boy (6/04), The Brute (11/06), and Mischief (05/09)... expecting in February '15
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