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#61 of 279 Old 11-20-2008, 09:07 AM
 
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notyetamommy, the woman could have meant that you have a pregnancy glow. Everytime I was pregnant someone has commented that I looked different, brighter and younger, before I even confirmed I was pregnant.
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#62 of 279 Old 11-20-2008, 01:10 PM
 
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That's certainly a much nicer way to look at it, you know....

Married to my best friend, expecting #1 6/09. Little angel came early- 4/10/09, 2lbs 5oz. Lilah Grace:
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#63 of 279 Old 11-20-2008, 01:17 PM
 
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notyetamommy, the woman could have meant that you have a pregnancy glow. Everytime I was pregnant someone has commented that I looked different, brighter and younger, before I even confirmed I was pregnant.
I wish! No, she made chipmunk cheeks, pushed me face back to give herself a double chin, made her eyes wide, and put her hands on either side of her face to show "getting bigger" and said something like "like when I was pregnant, I got really..." It was really totally obvious that meant my face looked fat and not glowing. And the crappy thing is, that just that morning I was looking in the mirror and thinking "Aw man, is my face already getting chubbier? Maybe it's just in my head." Nope, not in my head. Before she opened her mouth I could at least pretend! Lol!

Mama to my little social butterfly 6/13/09

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#64 of 279 Old 11-20-2008, 02:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by notyetamommy View Post
Oh, and every time dh or I talk about the pregnancy to people they always say something like "Oh, just wait until you find out the sex" or "It'll be so much fun when you find out what you're having." We reply that we won't be finding out and are ALWAYS met with "WHAT?!? You HAVE to find out! How can you not find out? What about being prepared? It'll make it so much easier for people giving you stuff! Just wait, it's too hard to not find out at the u/s" (we aren't telling people we aren't even getting an ultrasound)

I then often tell people that my sister is due a few weeks ahead of me and she's not finding out either, so it'll be fun for it to be two surprises. They find out she has one boy and one girl and then they say "Oh, well, it doesn't matter what they have, they already have one of each." Guess what, it doesn't matter what I have either. And she doesn't even have all her baby stuff, our other sister on the other side of the country does.
Yeah. I don't get why people don't think that finding out when the baby's born is just as "fun". : Really. I've had just as much "fun" anticipating each of my children as anyone who has known what they're having, I think. Perhaps even more because I get to look at *all* the baby stuff and go "If it's a girl, that'll be cute" AND "If it's a boy, that'll be cute". Sounds like *more* fun to me!

Wife of Michael , SAHM to Aristotle 09/99 Raphael 06/07 and Marius 05/09 Known only in dreams but never forgotten: Euphrates Decluttering 290/2010
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#65 of 279 Old 11-20-2008, 02:30 PM
 
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Yeah. I don't get why people don't think that finding out when the baby's born is just as "fun". : Really. I've had just as much "fun" anticipating each of my children as anyone who has known what they're having, I think. Perhaps even more because I get to look at *all* the baby stuff and go "If it's a girl, that'll be cute" AND "If it's a boy, that'll be cute". Sounds like *more* fun to me!
I think that it is a way for other people to connect to the baby, and they just project it on to you. When the baby is in the womb you, the mom, have a relationship with it, and somewhat more removed your partner has the next closest relationship, then your children (I am guessing and assuming). For everyone else your belly is abstract, and I think that knowing the sex helps them connect. When they know the sex they know something about the baby instead of nothing. Know what I mean?
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#66 of 279 Old 11-23-2008, 01:12 AM
 
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Most annoying comment I've had yet: "All that matters is a healthy baby"

I found this comment (from MIL) very painful after my cesarean with DD. I was grieving the loss of a birth experience I had envisioned and trying to come to terms with the traumatic experience I had, and this really felt like it minimized my experience of the birth and made my pain and scars into something that wasn't important enough to talk about without being cut off by the annoying quote.

So now my in-laws are actually very supportive of my desire for VBAC, and I think they kind of understand why it's important enough to me that I will travel 100 miles each way for all of my prenatal care and the birth in order to have the chance. We are visiting them in the UK now, and tonight MIL used the quote in regard to this pregnancy. And now being jetlagged and up unable to sleep at 3 am I have spent the last hour with tears in my eyes playing over in my head all the things I would like to say to her about that quote.

So here's what I would like to say, and maybe will manage to get out in some form one day:

MIL: Well at the end of the day, all that matters is a health baby.

ME: Actually I found that comment incredibly painful after Amy's birth and I find it difficult to hear now. It seems to assume that I have different priorities than my baby's health and safety, which is ridiculous. I have done my research and I believe a VBAC is the safest thing for both me AND my baby. Of course, if at any point during my pregnancy or labor, my baby's safety is compromised, I will gladly agree to any interventions, including a cesarean, that might be necessary to help my baby. However, to say that a health baby is all that matters is to deny my experience of giving birth. Our society, especially within the medical model, often does deny the mother's experience by treating pregnancy, labor and giving birth as medical events that need to be managed. This ignores the incredibly empowering experience giving birth can be. It is a life changing event right up there with being born, getting married, etc. It is a right of passage, a challenge, a mountain to be climbed, and whatever happens, the experience sticks with you for the rest of your life. It can be an incredibly disempowering experience as well, and the emotional scars often take longer to heal than the physical ones.

So I think it is obvious that a healthy baby is the desired outcome for all pregnant women. It is so obvious in fact, that it does not need to be said at all. What matters most to me, is that this time I need to feel after the birth that I made the best decisions I could, for my baby and for me. And I need to know that the information I was given, by caring and supportive healthcare providers, was both true and complete.

How I birth matters.

Jessica, Wife to Owen (6/7/03), mom to Amina (9/20/06) : and Colm (5/30/09) :

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#67 of 279 Old 11-23-2008, 01:31 AM
 
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"How I birth matters."

This is so true. I very much hate the attitude that "all that matters is a healthy baby" because it completely dismisses the fact that this is a MAJOR life event for the mother too. A c-section is better than a disaster, but an unnecessary c-section is a bad thing in and of itself, and a trauma the mother has to deal with.

I get this attitude whenever I mention that I'm homebirthing (which hasn't come up much recently). For whatever reason people seem to think that I care more about my birthing experience than the baby, and that if something went wrong that I WOULDN'T go to the hospital. The idea is, of course, absurd and offensive, and I let people know that. But in the event of a normal pregnancy, a woman should have the birth experience that she wants, because shockingly, the mother matters too.

/rant

Ashley, Pagan treehugger.gif mama to E (6/09) and my beautiful hbac.gif baby T (4/3/12)
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#68 of 279 Old 11-23-2008, 11:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nyakanyasko View Post
Most annoying comment I've had yet: "All that matters is a healthy baby"


It's frustrating when people don't understand how a birth can leave you so dissapointed and upset with yourself.

I'm sending you good juju for your VBAC!
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#69 of 279 Old 11-23-2008, 11:45 PM
 
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You could probably have some really good answers for this that would make her squirm... Go into details... positioning and all that.

Sorry you're having to deal with such horrid people. We'll all be happy for your pregnancy! :
LOL! "Welp, MIL...this last time I got pregnant your baby boy (DH) was ..." Ooh, and mime! Mime what was happening! LOLOLOLOLOL.

She will never ask you that question again. Hopefully.
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#70 of 279 Old 11-24-2008, 12:24 AM
 
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LOL! "Welp, MIL...this last time I got pregnant your baby boy (DH) was ..." Ooh, and mime! Mime what was happening! LOLOLOLOLOL.

She will never ask you that question again. Hopefully.
Hee hee , you just made me wake up my baby laughing so hard!

Yurt livin mama with three free range wild things 11/05, 10/07, and a wee new squish 7/13, and one two three four five little angels. Knitting junkie, sewing obsessed. Falls asleep to the sound of coyotes singing.
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#71 of 279 Old 11-29-2008, 02:34 PM
 
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So a question for everyone....

Would you consider asking someone if their pregnancy was planned or accidental a bit inappropriate?

It's something I would never, ever, ask, but EVERYONE on dh's side of the family (who I love dearly and are really awesome people) has asked us this, and when we found out SIL was pregnant too, DH asked her!

It doesn't really bother me to answer, I'm just totally shocked that someone would ask!

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#72 of 279 Old 11-29-2008, 04:01 PM
 
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So a question for everyone....

Would you consider asking someone if their pregnancy was planned or accidental a bit inappropriate?

It's something I would never, ever, ask, but EVERYONE on dh's side of the family (who I love dearly and are really awesome people) has asked us this, and when we found out SIL was pregnant too, DH asked her!

It doesn't really bother me to answer, I'm just totally shocked that someone would ask!
We got a LOT of this with DS and now with this baby too. With DS I can totally understand.. we had been dating for like, 3 weeks when we got pregnant!! Yeah.. oops! But it all worked out. This one I think everyone asks because they are going to be so close together. DS was definitely a surprise blessing but this baby was planned. I think it is a tad forward to ask but like you, I don't mind answering.

What DOES bother me is when people ask "You do know how this keeps happening.. right?"

Rachel, proud Army wife to my superhero.gif and SAHM to my crazy boys jumpers.gif... Trevor 4/08, Trenton 6/09 and Travis 10/10
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#73 of 279 Old 11-29-2008, 04:03 PM
 
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So a question for everyone....

Would you consider asking someone if their pregnancy was planned or accidental a bit inappropriate?

It's something I would never, ever, ask, but EVERYONE on dh's side of the family (who I love dearly and are really awesome people) has asked us this, and when we found out SIL was pregnant too, DH asked her!

It doesn't really bother me to answer, I'm just totally shocked that someone would ask!
A bit. I think it depends on the relationship. For random coworkers, aquaintences, and etc it is quite rude-- none of their business whether you were "trying" or had a "surprise". For closer friends and family, I think it's more excusable. The very first time DH and I got pregnant, my parents and everybody asked; because we'd kept our TTC a total secret, they had no way to guess. I'd never really shared with them that I wanted to start while still young-ish, we weren't quite married yet, etc. If my sister announced that she was pg, I'd ask the same thing, mostly because it helps to know whether this is an OMG-Congratulations-you-must-be-thrilled! moment or a more subdued, cautiously-joyful kind of thing. I guess what I'm saying is, when trying to be supportive, it helps to know the state of mind of the couple in question; and knowing whether this was all part of the plan or they've just been thrown a curveball, helps with that. For example, a coworker of mine is pregnant totally "by surprise"-- we all know this because she was very vocal about not wanting kids, would adopt if she changed her mind, etc. Knowing that meant that when she told me, I knew not to be all squeal-ly and jumping up and down, (since that was NOT how she was feeling) but rather sympathetic in a "holy heck, how are you dealing?" kind of way.

I hope that ramble make some kind of sense.

Mara, mama to two boys born 05/2009 and 04/2011, after four miscarriages. 

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#74 of 279 Old 11-29-2008, 05:03 PM
 
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^ That totally makes sense. I guess because we weren't sharing with anyone that we were ttc I can see why they would ask. It just sort of shocked me the first few times, because it isn't something I'd ask anyone! I always figured if someone wants to share, that's cool, but it isn't really my business. As I said, it doesn't really bother me to answer when it's close family, although it does feel a little like telling your mil that, yep we had sex a lot!

While talking to my SIL my DH also asked if they were going to get married or if the baby would be born in sin.... now SIL and DH are constantly teasing each other and she knows he was totally not serious, but I'd seriously have to kick his @ss if he said that to anyone else!

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#75 of 279 Old 11-29-2008, 06:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sunflwrmoonbeam View Post
"How I birth matters."

This is so true. I very much hate the attitude that "all that matters is a healthy baby" because it completely dismisses the fact that this is a MAJOR life event for the mother too. A c-section is better than a disaster, but an unnecessary c-section is a bad thing in and of itself, and a trauma the mother has to deal with.

I've just been reading a couple of c-section books, from the quotes in there it seems that even an absolutely crystal clear need for a c-section is still something the mother needs to deal with, the emotions seem similar and however you try and process them, it's still not easy, even if you can be thankful c-section was as safe as it is these days, you can then beat yourself up over the cause.

Anne, Christian mummy to Nathanael 05/28/03, Ada 06/10/05, Grace 05/24/09
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#76 of 279 Old 11-30-2008, 01:23 PM
 
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We got our first yesterday. My friend called us and she and I were talking. She is childless and we have gone around and around many times about how she feels I should be doing things. Yesterday she said. I guess next year you'll be moving. I asked her why. She said "Because kids don't sleep on the ceiling you know. They have to have their own rooms." We love our house and even though it only has two bedrooms we have no intention of moving. Little one will at least sleep in with us for the first year anyway. I know my kids are six years apart, but I don't see that as an issue. We can figure it out. We have a finished room in our basement, and our bedroom is huge. It could easily be turned in to two rooms.

Anyways, I went into our living room after hanging up to tell DH what my friend said. My step-mother promptly joins in that my friend is right. Two boys can share a room, but what if we have a girl? Then she goes on to tell a story about someone that works with my Dad. His boy and girl kids shared a room until they were teenagers. "Far too long. It's just not right." I kept thinking. Why did they commit incest? Pioneer children not only shared a room but a bed until adulthood with their parents. Now if one of them complained we would reconsider, but not at this point! We may not even live here by then.

Mama to Gabe 8-03 and Cyan 5-09
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#77 of 279 Old 11-30-2008, 04:44 PM
 
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It bothers me when people tell me "Oh, you really shouldn't find out the sex." I *shouldn't*??? Why in the world would anyone think it's ok to tell me what to do? (I think it's rude the other way around too).
I want to find out. Period. Don't tell me I shouldn't :

(ftr, I wouldn't have another u/s just to find out. If the baby doesn't show it's sex on the 20w u/s, it will just have to be a surprise unless there's a medical reason for another u/s)

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So a question for everyone....

Would you consider asking someone if their pregnancy was planned or accidental a bit inappropriate?
I think it depends. If it's someone close, or someone who you'd talk to about sex, ttc, etc with, then if they ask in an honest way I think it's not too bad. But if it's someone like...a coworker or distant family member (especially male, but that could just be me), then I think it's really inappropriate.

It's different for me, but I won't/haven't take offense when people ask me- I was very openly wanting to adopt, and NOT ever get pg again.
So I found it funny when my SIL said, after being all gushy and excited, "Are you happy?" lol. Then she got all flustered and tried really hard to explain what she meant (she knew I was terrified of getting pg again). After I told her I was indeed happy, she was all gushy and exited again.

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

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#78 of 279 Old 11-30-2008, 04:49 PM
 
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So a question for everyone....

Would you consider asking someone if their pregnancy was planned or accidental a bit inappropriate?

It's something I would never, ever, ask, but EVERYONE on dh's side of the family (who I love dearly and are really awesome people) has asked us this, and when we found out SIL was pregnant too, DH asked her!

It doesn't really bother me to answer, I'm just totally shocked that someone would ask!
It is SO inappropriate. Then again, my MIL found out dh's cousin is ttc and told EVERYONE. Why is it my business if they pulled the goalie?
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#79 of 279 Old 11-30-2008, 05:06 PM
 
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It's different for me, but I won't/haven't take offense when people ask me- I was very openly wanting to adopt, and NOT ever get pg again.
So I found it funny when my SIL said, after being all gushy and excited, "Are you happy?" lol. Then she got all flustered and tried really hard to explain what she meant (she knew I was terrified of getting pg again). After I told her I was indeed happy, she was all gushy and exited again.
See, that's exactly why I would ask *some* people (that I'm close to)... An unexpected pregnancy is a huge thing to deal with emotionally, it changes the whole life plan-- just because I've been TTC forever doesn't mean that I don't "get" how upsetting a "surpise" is, at least initially. If someone that I'm close to needs is going through some of those issues, I'd rather not be jumping around saying "Yay a baby!" just because that's my initial reaction to any pregnancy-- I want to be more supportive. OTOH, I can see when it would just be a nosy, prying question too. Definitely goes both ways!

Mara, mama to two boys born 05/2009 and 04/2011, after four miscarriages. 

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#80 of 279 Old 12-01-2008, 02:50 PM
 
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So a question for everyone....

Would you consider asking someone if their pregnancy was planned or accidental a bit inappropriate?

It's something I would never, ever, ask, but EVERYONE on dh's side of the family (who I love dearly and are really awesome people) has asked us this, and when we found out SIL was pregnant too, DH asked her!

It doesn't really bother me to answer, I'm just totally shocked that someone would ask!
If it was my BFF asking, I wouldn't care. DH's aunt asked him if this baby was planned he said Yes, then she asked if it was planned by both of us, or just me. I was livid when he told me this! I've only met this woman once, and she is implying that I would purposely get pregnant against his wishes.

It seems like when you get preggo, all boundaries go out the window!

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We got our first yesterday. My friend called us and she and I were talking. She is childless and we have gone around and around many times about how she feels I should be doing things. Yesterday she said. I guess next year you'll be moving. I asked her why. She said "Because kids don't sleep on the ceiling you know. They have to have their own rooms." We love our house and even though it only has two bedrooms we have no intention of moving. Little one will at least sleep in with us for the first year anyway. I know my kids are six years apart, but I don't see that as an issue. We can figure it out. We have a finished room in our basement, and our bedroom is huge. It could easily be turned in to two rooms.

Anyways, I went into our living room after hanging up to tell DH what my friend said. My step-mother promptly joins in that my friend is right. Two boys can share a room, but what if we have a girl? Then she goes on to tell a story about someone that works with my Dad. His boy and girl kids shared a room until they were teenagers. "Far too long. It's just not right." I kept thinking. Why did they commit incest? Pioneer children not only shared a room but a bed until adulthood with their parents. Now if one of them complained we would reconsider, but not at this point! We may not even live here by then.
We live in a one bedroom with our 2 year old. We will move before this baby is born, but I don't see any issues with kids sharing a room. When I was 14, I shared a room with my 6 year old brother for a year while our house was being remodeled. He annoyed the crap out of me, but other than that I didn't have a problem with it.

Erin~ Mommy to 3 curly-headed children and expecting #4 in December. ***4***8***12**16***20***24***28***32***36***40**
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#81 of 279 Old 12-01-2008, 02:54 PM
 
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Also, I cannot tell you how many times I've heard, "If this baby is a boy, you guys can be done having kids."

Who are they to decide when my family will be complete?

Erin~ Mommy to 3 curly-headed children and expecting #4 in December. ***4***8***12**16***20***24***28***32***36***40**
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#82 of 279 Old 12-01-2008, 07:16 PM
 
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Also, I cannot tell you how many times I've heard, "If this baby is a boy, you guys can be done having kids."

Who are they to decide when my family will be complete?
And I love the implication that, by contrast, if it ISN'T a boy, then your family isn't complete and you must keep trying for that all-important boy.

Mara, mama to two boys born 05/2009 and 04/2011, after four miscarriages. 

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#83 of 279 Old 12-01-2008, 07:39 PM
 
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And I love the implication that, by contrast, if it ISN'T a boy, then your family isn't complete and you must keep trying for that all-important boy.

I'm waiting for this one too. Whatever we have we are done. Hubby plans to get snipped in August. Whatever the sex we will be pleased to have our baby. We wanted another baby not a girl to match our boy.

Mama to Gabe 8-03 and Cyan 5-09
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#84 of 279 Old 12-01-2008, 08:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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From Thanksgiving gathering comments, both my 16 year-old cousin and my MIL would LOVE a girl. They'd better love it if it is a boy!!

Mama to 2 little darling squooshy faces
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#85 of 279 Old 12-01-2008, 10:12 PM
 
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So a question for everyone....

Would you consider asking someone if their pregnancy was planned or accidental a bit inappropriate?
I had three coworkers ask me this or something similar the day I told everyone at work (aka school, I'm a teacher). One was obviously joking and I expected it from him (his exact words were "do you know what caused it?"). The others were "Were you trying?", and "Is this a surprise?". I didn't mind it being asked by a woman with young kids, she was probably just trying to be helpful and offered to borrow me maternity clothes and pregnancy books. It bothered me from the male co-workers though. I did give a straight answer that yes we were trying. It just made me second guess myself, thinking "Why, do you think we're too young to have kids? too poor? Do I look extraordinarily surprised?". I felt a little defensive about it but hopefully I didn't come across that way.

I have one wonderful husband and one wonderful little toddler boy!
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#86 of 279 Old 12-02-2008, 12:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Carlin View Post
So a question for everyone....

Would you consider asking someone if their pregnancy was planned or accidental a bit inappropriate?
Oh, my dad said this to me. "was this something planned?"

My MIL said, "oh no, what are you going to do?" Well, DUH!! I said , Well, have a baby I think."

nurse, mama, doula-in-training to J-14, J-13, S-7, S-4, and P-2(born at home)
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#87 of 279 Old 12-02-2008, 01:09 PM
 
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I must say that I have had it pretty easy. Some of the comments are horrible. The one person that we have had to deal with is DH aunt. She asked in front of a ton of dh family at a cookout. "So are you trying to have more kids?". Well when? Will you move? This was after the second ectopic and getting ready to start the ivf cycle. I have avoided her since. The rest of the family have been so supportive and happy.

Shawna!! DH Kevin, DD Kaelen (12) DS Drew (10), Sam and Jocelyn 11 months and TTC!!
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#88 of 279 Old 12-02-2008, 04:33 PM
 
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My MIL said, "When you told us you were pg, I was trying to remember where we were 3 months ago, and I was thinking we were all down at the seashore!" (we went on vacation with the in-laws in September).

I'm admittedly a private person, and EEEEWWWW. That was just creepy. I didn't respond. She's wrong, that's not when "it" occurred, but I'm so uncomfortable with her spending any amount of time figuring this mystery out. Ick. Patooey. Shiver.

Deb

Attached, homeschooling mom to Sam (10), Henry (8), Clara (5--now in public school Kindergarten) and Noah (2)

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#89 of 279 Old 12-02-2008, 06:04 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BananaBreadGirl View Post
It just made me second guess myself, thinking "Why, do you think we're too young to have kids? too poor? Do I look extraordinarily surprised?". I felt a little defensive about it but hopefully I didn't come across that way.
I'm kinda thinking along the same lines, that
#1- If they're asking if it was planned, then they're assuming it wasn't.
and
#2- That if they're assuming it was unplanned, then they must think there's a reason we shouldn't be having a baby.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into it.

Erin~ Mommy to 3 curly-headed children and expecting #4 in December. ***4***8***12**16***20***24***28***32***36***40**
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#90 of 279 Old 12-02-2008, 06:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sonuptosondown View Post
My MIL said, "When you told us you were pg, I was trying to remember where we were 3 months ago, and I was thinking we were all down at the seashore!" (we went on vacation with the in-laws in September).

I'm admittedly a private person, and EEEEWWWW. That was just creepy. I didn't respond. She's wrong, that's not when "it" occurred, but I'm so uncomfortable with her spending any amount of time figuring this mystery out. Ick. Patooey. Shiver.

Deb
Ick, why would she want to think about where and when you were having sex with her son?

Erin~ Mommy to 3 curly-headed children and expecting #4 in December. ***4***8***12**16***20***24***28***32***36***40**
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