Advice for child in abusive relationship at school - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 03:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello all,

I am new to the Mothering forums and have been reading Mothering for 7 years.

My 6 year old is in her first year of elementary school (grade one) at a Montessori school in Canada. This is her 3rd year at this school. She is a very gentle child, takes her time at getting used to things, observes intently, is often considered by others to be "shy".

This is her 3rd year with a friend which she had become "inseparable" with at school. She loves this little girl and is always excited to play with her, the other little girl appears to feel the same way. The problem is, we recently found out (parent/teacher interviews) that sometimes her friend is not so nice to her and will push her or yank her arm. Her teacher was concerned and wanted me to make sure talk to my daughter about sticking up for herself and making sure she makes it known she does not want to be pushed or yanked. She also talked to the other girl's mother about her behaviour.

After the interview I spent time talking to my daughter and discovered that every day my daughter's friend pushers her, pulls her, pulls out pieces of her hair, and pinches her. I had a meeting with my daughter's teacher about this and she was not happy about it. She talked to the other little girl explaining this behaviour was not acceptable and separated them for the day, getting them to choose another child to play with for the day. She also suggested I cancel an upcoming play date with the child until this behaviour stopped. She again mentioned I needed to talk to my daughter about "standing up for herself". The teacher also implemented a "no touching" rule for the class. My daughter did tell me that she tells her friend, "please don't do that", or "no".

The following day at school (yesterday, Monday), they were again allowed to play together at school, and during their morning circle, her little friend maliciously rubbed her hand in my daughter's hair making a large rat's nest. When asked by the teacher who had messed my daugter's like that, my daughter's friend replied, "not me". My daughter said she did not tell on her as it was another boys birthday circle and she did not want to "interrupt".

My mom (who picks my daughter up from school) was very upset when she found this out after school especially when my daughter basically just ran out of school. My mom called her teacher and the teacher said that she is separating them permanently (yet they are still in the same class) and that my daughter has to learn to say it bothers her and "stand up for herself".

I am appalled that the victim is getting blamed here, and that a simple, "please don't" is not enough. Would we tell a victim of rape that she should have yelled "no" louder?? One of the reasons I am paying for a Montessori school is because I did not expect bullying and abusive behaviour to happen in this school. Just because she is a quiet child does not mean it is her fault this is happening. My daughter is also very defensive of her friend and is very upset when they do not get to play together. I am not sure what to do. Right now I am considering on moving her to the only other Montessori school in our city with an elementary program. Her current class has only grade ones in it (not traditionally Montessori) as they had so many full day children stay for Elementary, they had to start a new class. Previously they had only one elementary class, and this became the "upper elementary" and her class of grade ones is the "lower elementary". I wonder if the loss of different age groups and older role models in her class could be fueling this behaviour?

Any advice appreciated, and I can provide more information if needed.

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#2 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 03:17 PM
 
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This is just plain wrong. This other little girl needs to learn to keep her hands to herself or be sent home.

Is there anyway you could attend class for a few days to observe this behavior? Have you had a meeting with your teacher's supervisor?

Good luck, mama. This is a tough situation.
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#3 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 03:28 PM
 
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One of the reasons I am paying for a Montessori school is because I did not expect bullying and abusive behaviour to happen in this school
Unfortunately, bullying happens everywhere. Montessori, and other private schools are not excluded in this heinous behavior, believe me! I paid dearly for a private school for my youngest, and you wouldnt believe some of the stuff that went on there. Money does not buy class, nor good and decent behavior either.

My middle child was bullied a bit last year, to the point i almost homeschooled. Sigh. No does mean no, and it should be enough. Of course your daughter should stand up for herself, but ultimately, the real problem is the other girl who picks on her, at her, etc. whats up with this kid? The teacher should be spending more time redirecting this girls behavior than spending it getting your child to stand up for herself. Then again, their in lies the rub with people like your childs teacher.....the child doing this isnt the problem, its your daughter that isnt doing enough to stop it! How can you get anywhere with a mentality like that?

I'd continue to look at other options for your daughter if this doesnt stop.

Lisa
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#4 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 04:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally posted by K&JsMaMa
This is just plain wrong. This other little girl needs to learn to keep her hands to herself or be sent home.
I agree with you. Right now she is simply separating the two. My daughter's friend is disappointed that she can't play with my daughter, but hasn't learnt to stop the behaviour. My daughter then also feels punished since she isn't allowed to play with her friend. It has been hard for to see that what her friend is doing to her is wrong, we have been trying to instill in her that "friends don't hurt friends".
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Originally posted by K&JsMaMa
Is there anyway you could attend class for a few days to observe this behavior?
I haven't had a chance to witness the behaviour in class but I did watch the 2 of them at a birthday party for 2 hours. I forced myself just to watch and not intervene just so I could see what was happening when adults were not paying attention. My daughter spent the 2 hours being pulled by her shirt to wherever her friend wanted to go. When my daughter went to dance with some other little girls, she was pulled back to her friend. She was pushed into line to hit the pinyada (sp?). I am not sure how my daughter can think this girl is a good friend.
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Originally posted by K&JsMaMa
Have you had a meeting with your teacher's supervisor?
This one is tough. Her teacher is one of the founding members of the school and has taught preschool there since the school opened (around 20 years ago). The administrator of the school is the teacher's daughter, so really there is no supervisor.

She is a very super teacher (perhaps I am questioning this a bit now). I was pleased that she noticed the behaviour and brought it up at the parent/teacher interview and that she is making attempts to do something. She definately is not a psychologist or trained in dealing with abusive/bullying situations though so I sure her techniques can only work so well.

Thank you for your reply.

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#5 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 05:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally posted by sweetbaby3
Unfortunately, bullying happens everywhere. Montessori, and other private schools are not excluded in this heinous behavior, believe me! I paid dearly for a private school for my youngest, and you wouldnt believe some of the stuff that went on there. Money does not buy class, nor good and decent behavior either.
Thank you for pointing that out. I guess I figured that the teachers would catch behaviour like this sooner than in a public school and that they would be able to deal with it better. I guess I was wrong. My daughter's pre-school teacher has said the behaviour was similar when she was in pre-school (with her same friend), yet all I was ever told about that was at the parent/teacher interview the pre-school teacher said "make sure you talk to your daughter about not always letting her friends decide what to do".

So basically this has been going on since she started at Montessori (although much worse now) and the teachers weren't trained to recognize where this behaviour would lead. Frustrating since my friend who is a public school teacher said that they now have courses about bullying at the public schools. I am paying for school and Montessori doesn't offer that. Grrrr.

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#6 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 05:43 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your situation; it's a tricky one. I would have to agree that I don't think you're going to find an environment where bullying just won't happen -- private school or no. The difference, I think, comes in how the teacher handles it. I used to run a Waldorf early childhood program in my home and I now sometimes substitute in my daughter's Waldorf kindergarten, and I'm sorry to say I have seen varying levels of this kind of behavior in both of these environments. Now, what to do about it?

I think it would be a real shame for your daughter to lose her best friend over this. It would also be somewhat tragic for her to switch schools and lose all of her friends and peers over it (especially since it's not a sure thing that you won't encounter this elsewhere). So, the best thing, I think, is to figure out how to work within the situation.

IMO, separating them doesn't help. It may be what the teacher needs to do to get through the day and still make sure that your daughter is safe, but it's not going to help them resolve it. At best it's a band aid, at worst it is sending the girls the message that the adults around think this is a serious problem and that we think they're not capable of solving it (and we're not capable of solving it right now either.)

And, it's true the burden of changing the dynamic should not fall solely on your daughter's shoulders, there are two children here, but I would look at what she can do to upset the dynamic a bit. But I bet it's not just about "sticking up for herself."

Now about the other girl. I would look closely at what is happening, why she is doing it, what we want to be happening, and try to figure out the best way to get from here to there. Often distraction is helpful. But what is the real reason for her behavior? Is she just trying to reach out to your daughter? Does she want to play with her in a certain way and isn't getting the opportunity? Is she feeling a bit powerless in the class and is looking for a way to exert some control, and your daughter is just the easiest victim? Whatever the reason the key is to recognize it, honor and embrace it, and enoble it. If it is a power thing -- recognize her need to feel some power in the class, see her as a scared, insecure little thing just looking for recognition and acceptance. How can we give her that without making her feel bad (and hence more insecure) about the way that she's asking for it. Maybe the teacher can let her choose an activity for the class to do. It could sound like rewarding her for negative behavior, but really, I see it as just satisfying her need, letting her know that her negative behavior is no longer necessary.

After reading about the birthday party -- it sounds like this little girl really wants to play in a certain way with your daughter. She wants to play her way, and isn't listening to what your daughter wants. Why is she doing that? Does she feel insecure about getting her way and she doesn't know any other way to get it? Maybe the teacher just needs to help her find a different way to express herself to your daughter. It sounds like your daughter might not object to the other girls' ideas, it's just the way she is imposing them on her. The key, though, is to not make the other little girl feel bad about how she is going about it.

Now, what can your daughter do? A little story -- in my daughter's kindergarten class there is a little boy who just loves to get everybody's goat. He picks on a couple of kids in the class and goes to them and tells them something that isn't true. In my daughter's case he would go to her and say, "You're in first grade!" This just drove her crazy, she would cry and yell "No I'm not!" I looked at this situation and realized that it was easier to upset the dynamic by getting my daughter to change her reaction. This stubborn little boy just found it too fun and powerful, and he was a little guy, so I knew that he wasn't going to change too easily. So one day when I was there I suggested we play a little game, "True and not true." Someone would say something and the rest of the group had to shout out "True!" or "Not true!" We played one time in the classroom and then once we were out on the playground I caught this little boy starting to tell my daughter something untrue. I jumped in and said, "NOT TRUE!" They all laughed and my daughter found a different way to react to this little boy's behavior. After that they played this game for awhile, everybody laughing every time someone shouted "Not true!"

So, my point here is that maybe there is a way that your daughter can find a way to break out of the dynamic. It's not really worthwhile to question whether she should HAVE to change (after all it's this other little girl's naughty behavior that is causing the problem) because it is definitely in her best interests for the dynamic to change -- even if she's the one to change it. It could be quite powerful for her to realize that she has control of the situation. I'm willing to bet, though, that just telling her to "stick up for herself" is not going to inspire her to find a different reaction to the dynamic. I'm not close enough to the situation to know what might help her, but something creative and something that does not make the other girl feel bad would be most effective.

Anyway, I hope you find some kind of resolution. I really hate to see good friendships ruined over stuff like this. These girls really need the adults around to help them resolve it.

Meredith
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#7 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 06:03 PM
 
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I don't know how to advise on this problem but I feel the need to respond with something. It would make me so upset if it were my daughter. I would worry that she would start to behave that way as well, or that it could be a recurring pattern in her life. I wonder if it would actually be a mistake to move her to a different school. There are bullies wherever you go and they always find the people who will take it. I think your daughter needs to find a 'best friend' who treats her differently. It's not that easy, but it is very possible. Someone whom she likes, gets along with, to share play dates etc. Limit the contact she has with the bullying girl, and help her find ways of sticking up for herself when incidents occur, because it doesn't sound like she has the tools to deal with it. In a way, there is not much the teachers can do, except seperate them. But the teacher who said she has to learn to stick up for herself was right. I'm sure she has seen lots of this before. It doesn't mean your daughter has to be a different person, she needs to have the confidence to be unafraid of 'defying' her friend. Maybe she is afraid her friend won't like her, will abandon her, or that she won't have other friends. In a nutshell I am saying that this little girl bullying your daughter has a problem, but isn't the source of it. Both are complicit in an agreement. And simply moving your daughter will probably not really help her. Have you read any books or anything about how to handle these situations?
Best of luck to you and your daughter. And welcome to MDC

pookie
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#8 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 06:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your reply Meredith. Can you come substitute at my daughter's school?

You are right, there definately is something going on with my daughter's friend. She has gotten especially nasty in the last month or so. Her mom and nanny have both said that she has been extra terrible to her 5 year old sister. Right now the way her mom is handling this is telling her to go to her room. And she listens and storms off to her room and sits there very unimpressed (we witnessed this at her little sister's b-day party and her nanny said this is how it happens). The nanny also said that she has been very mean in the mornings after she gets there and has even sworn at the nanny (something she has never done at school or around me).

Her mom has telephoned me and is concerned about the situation but the only suggestions she has had so far are to tell her daughter that she won't be able to play with my daughter, or that she'll lose her as a friend if she continues to be mean to her. She also wanted them to get together more often outside of school so adults could monitor the behaviour. At first I thought this was a good idea until I found out how bad it was, then I didn't want her anywhere my daughter. I also didn't think having them together more often was a really good idea until we had some concrete ways to handle the situation, right now we barely have an idea.

You are also right that just telling my daughter to "stick up for herself" is not working. I tried to tell her that she needs to tell the teacher if her friend has done something to her and also to tell her friend that she won't continue to play with her if she treats her that way. My daughter ends up quietly saying "don't do that", and doesn't tell on her because then she doesn't get to play with her.

This just scares me so much seeing this at 6. I don't want my daughter to be in a abusive relationship as an adult (or any age for that matter) because we haven't addressed the situation.

You are also right that to change the dynamic is in my daughter's best interest even if it is not her repsonsibility. Right now I just have to try and find out what will help her do that, so far the things the teacher and I have done aren't the right ones. I hope the other child's parent will act on the concern she professed to have and discover what is bothering her daughter so much.

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#9 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 06:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi pookie, thanks for responding. The worries that you said would go through your head are all the sames worries going through mine. I thought perhaps starting at a new school would be a fresh start and that she could go in without being picked on and then work on the social skills she needs to deal with people like this. Perhaps that is not the right way to handle this.

I've tried to get her to play with other friends for the day (friends who she has had a grand time with at play dates) but she says none of them are as fun as her best friend. I keep thinking, "fun is getting your hair pulled out?"

My mom and I are currently reading a book on bullying by Barbara Coloroso. I am only about 25 pages (and my mom is a bit further) but so far none of the typical bullying labels fit this little girl. It seems that most bullies aren't usually good friends with their victims and the victims don't usually want to be friends with the bully. This little girl was in tears when she was told she couldn't have a play date with my daughter. This has been what's led to label it more as an abusive relationship rather than a bullying one, although I am sure the two overlap.

Thanks so much for your comments and for the welcome.

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#10 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 07:12 PM
 
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I see a few possibilites, I can't remember if you mentioned that this is the only class in that school your dd can be in?? Is there another 1st grade class she could be moved to?? I do think it's a good idea to seperate them. I agree that there are bullies everywhere, and nowhere is 100% safe. But, your dd can and will learn how to deal with this over time. My dd has always been homeschooled, but she was also allowing her best friend to dictate what they did ect. No actual abuse occured, but it was frustrating. I fostered my dds learning to make her own decisions by allowing her to make as many as was safe to make. I worked really hard on asking her what did she want??? Even about small things. As she learned to express herself on the small stuff, she grew more powerful in standing up for herself.

I never made her kiss grandma for example, just because it was what grandma wanted. She needed to learn to say no, in a safe enviroment so that she also could say no when it really mattered. She is now 14, and has grown into a young woman that knows who she is, what she wants and doesn't just follow the crowd. Which is exactly what I wanted for her.

During the learning time, I understood that sometimes she didn't want to make the decision and/or needed me to be the "bad guy" and say she couldn't do something. Sometimes she just wasn't up to taking the heat from her friends. I always made it clear to her if she seemed unsure what choice to make that if she wanted I would decide for her. But even that was a learning for her. She always knew she could trust me.

She has a friend that begged alot, PLEASE spend the night, PLEASE don't go home. Stuff like that. But she has learned to think for herself, decide what she wants, and not be manipulated.

You know what is right for your dd, I just wanted to share what we did.

Good Luck
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#11 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 07:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for sharing Arduinna. Funny you mention homeschooling, in the last few days I have been thinking, "I'll just get her granddad to homeschool her!".

I really liked you suggestion of getting her to make her own decisions more often and asking her what she wants. I recently noticed that if for example she wanted to wear a skirt without tights on a winter day, and I'd then suggest pants, she'd get upset and end up wearing the pants (refusing to wear her choice of the skirt), even though I'd end up by saying "you can just take pants in case you get cold". I am now trying to be more careful about not changing what her decision is but rather saying something in the beginning like "I'll stick pants in your backpack if you're cold" rather than telling her pants would be a better idea. This way she has made the decision herself but doesn't end up freezing.

Hopefully this will be a benefit to her and hopefully the rest of her caregivers (grandmom and granddad) will work with me on this one (if they aren't doing this already).

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#12 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 07:43 PM
 
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My dd was just like the example you made regarding the pants. I tend to be a person that thinks out loud and considers all options before making a choice. My dd was a people pleaser (and still is, but able to put herself first now). So she also would just go along if I'd mentioned pants on a cold day. I learned that she took what I said more seriously than I did, lol.

I pretty much ended up doing what you are doing.
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#13 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 08:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally posted by Arduinna
Is there another 1st grade class she could be moved to??
Arduinna, I forgot to answer this! Unfortunately no there isn't another first grade class. Her class consists of 18 first graders, then the upper elementary class has about 18 grade 2 - grade 5 or 6. Usually from full days to elementary they have only 2 or 3 kids stay (the rest go to grade one at public/separate school), and usually 2 or 3 kids leave at around grade 5 so it equals out. Last year, 18 of the full days were staying instead of the usual 2 or 3 so they formed a grade one class and left the other class as is. I really wish they would have divided up the other class and stuck half the grade ones in each. One of the main reasons I wanted her at a Montessori school was because of the age groups and because she would be exposed to both younger and older kids. Now, she barely gets a chance to see the older role models (except when they have the other class in to help with reading).

So, until she moves in to the upper elementary class she won't really have those older role models. Although next year she will get to be an older role model herself for the full days that stay for grade one.

I guess though if it came down to it, and the school agreed, she maybe could be moved to the other elementary class, although she would be the only grade one. The teacher there has always taught from grade one - five so she is experienced with it.

*sigh*. This thinking is getting so tough!

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#14 of 19 Old 12-02-2003, 11:45 PM
 
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How about a grown up sitting down with the two girls and talking out loud about the problem and asking them to help solve it? With an adult's support, your daughter might be able to be clearer with her friend about how much this bothers her; the friend might be able to say why she does it if the adult helps her to understand her feelings. I'm guessing 5pointedstar is on the mark with some of the reasons the friend is acting this way.

One of the techniques used with children with bad boundary problems is to get two hula hoops and have each child sit in one. The adult tells a story about how the space inside the hula hoop is private "just for the child." Something visual or graphic might help this child to "get it."

I'll think about it some more and see if there is anything else floating around in my brain.

 
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#15 of 19 Old 12-03-2003, 04:44 AM
 
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I like Lauren's idea with the hula hoops. I really like working through stuff with games. If there was some playful funny way your daughter could react to her friend it might disrupt the dynamic enough to change it.

It really sounds like this little girl is feeling threatened or insecure in some way -- I felt bad for her when I read about how upset she was about missing the playdate. I think if it was my daughter I would invite the child over and really watch their play. Does your daughter feel a bit more confident when she's on her own turf? And if you were there you could really make sure that it doesn't get so bad. Maybe it would help the situation.

I have to confess to the tiniest bit of envy when I read posts from those of you with children who are "people pleasers." I keep wondering when it's going to be my turn to get one of those. LOL! I've got three little dictators who keep doing battle over who gets the run of the house! I'm just trying to wrap my brain around the idea of encouraging my child to have a stronger opinion about something. Not to make light of the dilemma, just funny that it is so far from my personal experience!

Meredith
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#16 of 19 Old 12-03-2003, 08:20 AM
 
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Meredith, I have one of each at my house--one dictator (boy) and one people pleaser (girl). So stereotypical by gender! My daughter has actually learned a lot of skills about sticking up for herself from her brother. She actually has a playmate at school though who isn't a bully like Technogranola's daughter's friend, but she is dominant and doesn't want to "let" my dd play with anyone else. It is because the friend is insecure--she just moved to this school, hasn't developed a cadre of friends, and so wants to make sure she "has" my dd to herself so that expanding isn't too anxiety provoking. My dd's reaction is to kind of protect this girl's feelings, even if she'd rather be playing with someone else. We have been working on ways she can get out of this situation and it's been hard, just like technogranola's situation.

I always thought that as a daughter of a feminist she would be stronger to her own opinions, but there is something about her temperament that is always wanting to smooth over the ruffled feathers. Right now I am trusting that she is working it out, but of course, she isn't getting hurt like techno's dd.

 
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#17 of 19 Old 12-03-2003, 01:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well my daughter ended up with a cold so she hasn't been at school since the Monday rat's nest in her hair incident. In a way I am glad as her friend is going to have to play with someone else for a couple of days and so far she hasn't been treating other girls the same way.

At home in the evenings my daughter turns into quite a control freak. Games have to go her way, she'll scream at me if I don't follow her rules. She's upset if she wants to watch a movie and I say let's read a book instead, or if she wants to read a book but it's past bedtime, etc. I now know this is happening because she has spent the whole day at school being controlled by her friend. The few days she hasn't played with her she has been so much more pleasant at home, and cooperative. So, forgive me for being somewhat happy when they don't play together.

There are several girls in my daughter's class who are very kind and who really like my daughter but yet don't get the opportunity to play with her since my daughter's friend won't allow it. I am going to set up a play date with one girl in particular as my daughter and her have dance class together and have played together before. I want to show my daughter how good friends treat you and get her used to that behaviour. I asked her who she would like to invite over and she named three girls and then said "but not <friend's name>".

I believe at school for the rest of they week, the teacher is still keeping them separated. She is switching days for french and music so they don't go to those classes together. For the time being I *think* I like this solution. My daughter will get the time to be treated nicely by other children and not have to fear her friend. I am hoping this will give us and the teacher more time to talk to her and we can build up her strength and confidence. Then we can move on to working things out with her friend. The hula hoop idea seems like a really good one, I will suggest that to the teacher.

This way I won't be worried for my daughter's safety and she won't come home with pinch bruises on her arms. Realistically the teacher and assistant can't keep their eye on only my daughter for the entire day which is why the separation makes me feel a bit better.

I know the teacher has tried to talk to the two of them after an incident and aks my daughter if what the other girl is doing to her bothers her. My daughter ends up always saying, "I'm fine", or "it's okay" instead of what she really feels. Thus, I think we have to work on her getting her feelings out before we could have a talk with the 2 of them and adults.

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#18 of 19 Old 12-03-2003, 10:13 PM
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I was controlled by one girl from grade three to grade five. I so wish my parents had been the bad guy, as Arduinna mentioned, and forbade me to play with her. I just did not have the guts to say no to her and every time I let her have her way I felt weaker. It's an awful vicious circle and while I know you can't always rescue your child, when things get this bad I think you have to do it. I'm sorry this little girl has "boundary issues" but I couldn't sacrifice my daughter to help her with her issues.

Then the important thing would be to make sure your daughter doesn't get stuck in the role of the weakling. Rescuing her casts her in that role but I really think it is necessary in this instance.
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#19 of 19 Old 12-07-2003, 05:14 AM
 
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I agree with Liz. well said.

We have used Montessori private school for elementary with our oldest. They had a 'peace' curriculum and a 'peace' table to resolve classroom conflicts.
The behavior would not have been allowed to continue and the teacher would have been physically near the children to redirect instead of keeping them apart.
If your daughter stands up for herself assertively, that does not mean the other child will stop her pattern of behavior. It could evolve then into a more violent thing, I have seen this as a teacher & parent. Sometimes the child will select another victim to bully. From what you have posted it sounds as if she is already lashing out at home from internalizing the days events at school.

The idea of a play date with other children is great. I hope this helps matters

good luck to you as you sort this out!!


Mary
mom to ds15, ds9, ds6, and dd 4 yrs
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