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S/O A girl hit my 6th gr. dd at school today.

3K views 43 replies 21 participants last post by  Irishmommy 
#1 ·
We are a previously hsed family, with our three dc currently in a small private school. I really had no more desire to hs-until today.


All year, my oldest dd has been the center of emotional bullying at school. She is an easy target-new,pretty and very smart. Straight A's, without ever bringing home homework. Dh and I have emailed the teacher(whom we love) several times, and I have had a face to face meeting with the teacher. All topics have been about the bullying. It gets better for awhile-then it happens again. Last week was the worse for emotional bullying-I told dd I didn't want her to return to such a hostile environment. She refused to stay home-saying she wants to prove she can be at school one full year. I reluctantly let her go back.

Hmm. Not sure what to do now. Dd came home today, upset about more emotional bullying-and while we were talking, she casually mentioned that one of the girls hit her, by elbowing dd in the head. This all occured at recess. I tried soooooo hard not to flip out,and to listen. Dd said the other girl she was playing with went and told the supervising teacher, who sent dd and the other girl in to talk to the principal. The principal said she wanted both girls to write out every single time these other girls were mean-and she was going to talk to them after spring break. So, that means dd would write down today, tomorrow, and Wednesday-and the girls won't be called on it until next Wednesday.

I have emailed the principal, telling her that if dd continues with a headache, we will take her to the doctor(she has said it *kinda* hurts)-and that we wanted this to be documented-and if dd wasn't in school tomorrow-she would know why. I said more-but that is the nutshell if you will.

Many levels of conflict/difficulty going on here.....

-Why dd would feel the need to "prove herself" and endure such cruelty, is baffling to me!!


-How do I discuss with her, that this is so wrong on so many levels-w/o her feeling like she is a victim?

-Do I contact the parents of this out of control child?

The school has no anti-bullying policy.

I feel angry beyond angry. Frustrated beyond frustrated. I tend to overreact to little things-now this is a big one, and I want to handle it appropriately.

HELP!
 
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#2 ·
I can't tell by your description. Was the elbowing intentional? Things do happen during playground play that are upsetting and even injurious but not intentional. If that is the case, then I think you just need to let it go.

For the rest of it, it is a tough situation. Can you tell if your DD is trying to prove to the other children she can tough it out, to you, or to herself? If to herself, then I would probably support her in that. If to you, then you might want to have a serious conversation about alternatives and how you wouldn't be upset if she chooses them. If to the other kids, that I understand. BTDT at about that age. It was important that I prove myself "stronger" than the bullies. Mostly for myself but also as a way to get them to back down without resorting to being equally violent. DIdn't work as well as I had hoped, but it was a good thing to try.

What has the teacher said/done? You say you like her, but it doesn't seem like she is effective. What has the principal done/said? Seems like he or she needs to be much more involved in the situation then so far. Even he or she can't keep your child safe, then escalate up the chain. Bullying is generally considered a very serious issue now, so you have current trends on your side. You should be able to get everyone's attention and demand they keep your child safe.
 
#5 ·
I only have a second but one thing I was thinking was that she needs you to believe in her that she can handle this. You've told her the option to come home is there and she knows that now. But she has said she doesn't want to so I think now you need to throw your all into showing her that you will support her decision to stay and helping her do that any way you can. I know how hard it is to see our kids bullied (and obviously you should fight against that) but I think the most important thing is just letting her know that you believe that she can handle this and that she's a strong person. Hope things work out quickly!
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
I can't tell by your description. Was the elbowing intentional? Things do happen during playground play that are upsetting and even injurious but not intentional. If that is the case, then I think you just need to let it go.

For the rest of it, it is a tough situation. Can you tell if your DD is trying to prove to the other children she can tough it out, to you, or to herself? If to herself, then I would probably support her in that. If to you, then you might want to have a serious conversation about alternatives and how you wouldn't be upset if she chooses them. If to the other kids, that I understand. BTDT at about that age. It was important that I prove myself "stronger" than the bullies. Mostly for myself but also as a way to get them to back down without resorting to being equally violent. DIdn't work as well as I had hoped, but it was a good thing to try.

What has the teacher said/done? You say you like her, but it doesn't seem like she is effective. What has the principal done/said? Seems like he or she needs to be much more involved in the situation then so far. Even he or she can't keep your child safe, then escalate up the chain. Bullying is generally considered a very serious issue now, so you have current trends on your side. You should be able to get everyone's attention and demand they keep your child safe.
Yeah, I need to better explain....

Then hit to the head was very intentional. As the evening has gone on, more details haqve come out...another girl also stomped hard TWICE on dd's legs!!
The deal is...dd and her one friend were in what is called the "platform"-it is the little place at the top of the slide-sheltered from the elements. The group of girls came over and told ddand friend to get out, as that was their hangout. Dd refused,saying she was there first, and had every right to be there. The girls basically bullied their way up there, yelling at dd and friend. When dd wouldn't back down, one of the girls took her elbow to dd's head, and another girl stomped on dd's legs! DD's friend then went to tell the teacher at the point.

About dd's teacher....for whatever(infuriating) reason, dd and friend never told her. When I questioned dd, she said she thought it was enough to talk to the principal. I asked her if she was satisfied with the principals response, and she said no. As for her teacher, she is a great teacher, in that she is fun, relates well to the kids, makes learning fun, and is very energetic. I have assumed all year, that all of the emails I have sent, have been forwarded to the principal, and the dc have been disciplined. This I will find out in the AM.

As for dd needing to "prove" herself....it is to the kids in her class. Coming from a hs setting, evidently, she was heavily teased at the start of school, about not being able to handle school. Crazy!!!

All year, I have coached dd in standing up for herself or walking away from the bullying. Dh is now poed, as he thinks we needed to let her know that she CAN defend herself in a situation like today.We don't condone violence-but self-defense? Absolutely.

I hope I clarified things a bit more....gotta run.
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Heavenly View Post
I only have a second but one thing I was thinking was that she needs you to believe in her that she can handle this. You've told her the option to come home is there and she knows that now. But she has said she doesn't want to so I think now you need to throw your all into showing her that you will support her decision to stay and helping her do that any way you can. I know how hard it is to see our kids bullied (and obviously you should fight against that) but I think the most important thing is just letting her know that you believe that she can handle this and that she's a strong person. Hope things work out quickly!
Thank you, for saying this!

This is exactly how things are heading. I told her, that she is to go directly to the two girls who violated her, and tell them in a VERY firm voice, that they are to NEVER,EVER touch her again, or they will be VERY sorry.The thing is, dd holds herself to a very high moral standard-much higher than I hold myself-honestly!!! We've had to GIVE AHER PERMISSION, to basically tell these girls off tom orrow!! She understands, that these girls will continue to bully her for the rest of the year-and backing down will get her nowhere. Even though my mamabear wants to keep her home....I am trying to LISTEN to her, and help empower her as much as I am able.

This is soooo hard!!!!
 
#10 ·
It sounds like you did a fantastic job raising her. No matter what, another person acting like an ass hat (sorry for the language ~ only situation where I'll use that. If you're too offended, think of a canium warming device on a donkey) should not push another person away from their goals. Your daughter is right in one sense - if she leaves, they won.

As far as writing things to defend her position, I'm not sure if that's the case as much as it is that it would make talking to the kids (and the parents) much more effective if they have specific examples of what happened, when it happened, who was involved, and how it happened. Make sure she writes down the facts of what happened as clearly as she remembers them (including approximate or exact times). Can you imagine the difference between these two meetings:
"Your daughter has been mean to another student and been bullying her. Take care of it now."
AND
"Your daughter, at 10:15 yesterday as they were between science and English class, shoved this other girl into a locker and held her there while (looks at another parent) YOUR daughter started slapping her."

The 2nd one brings a much more "oh crap" factor to it and a lot less room to wiggle out of it.
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MattBronsil View Post
It sounds like you did a fantastic job raising her. No matter what, another person acting like an ass hat (sorry for the language ~ only situation where I'll use that. If you're too offended, think of a canium warming device on a donkey) should not push another person away from their goals. Your daughter is right in one sense - if she leaves, they won.
As far as writing things to defend her position, I'm not sure if that's the case as much as it is that it would make talking to the kids (and the parents) much more effective if they have specific examples of what happened, when it happened, who was involved, and how it happened. Make sure she writes down the facts of what happened as clearly as she remembers them (including approximate or exact times). Can you imagine the difference between these two meetings:
"Your daughter has been mean to another student and been bullying her. Take care of it now."
AND
"Your daughter, at 10:15 yesterday as they were between science and English class, shoved this other girl into a locker and held her there while (looks at another parent) YOUR daughter started slapping her."

The 2nd one brings a much more "oh crap" factor to it and a lot less room to wiggle out of it.
Bolding mine. The rest of the post I totally agree with.

I do not see it as a win/lose situation.

If it were my daughter - my worries would be about happiness, self esteem and the long term consequences of being bullied.

Who gives a rats behind if the bullies think they won?

Moreover - what is the goal of bullying? To inflict pain. If the child in question leaves school - the bullying at school will stop and they will not be able to inflict pain. Their goal will not be met.

There is no way I would put up with being bullied. I would try to fix it, and if that did not work , I would leave the situation. No one should have to put up with being treated like cr@p. I was bullied in school, and I know how painful it is. I was a hair -breath away from being suicidal - and most of it was caused by bullying.

There is power in walking away from being treated like crap.

However, despite the above, I try hard not to project in such situations. I don't want to bury my head in the sand, but I don't want to jump to conclusions either, yk?

If this were my child, I would do the following:

a) explain that I would do my best to work with the teachers to end the bullying, but that there was no gaurentee I/we would be successful. Bullying can be really hard to stop - and it is not the failure of the student if they can't stop it.

b) let the child know they should weigh whether or not the pros of school outweigh the cons (which include bullying - as there is no gaurentee it will end). The child will then be able to make an informed decision. Homeschooling should always be an option if the child decides she has had too much.

c) involve the child in something outside of school. Sports, music, whatever. School should not be a child's total life- particularly if they are being bullied. Outside, positive places for social interaction are vital.

I do not think a grade 6 is totally a grown up. There is a place for parents to step in and say "enough". I think the middle years are really tough. With a grade 2 student - the answer would be fairly simply for me - I would pull them in a heart beat. With a 15 year old - once again the decision is simple - unless someone is depressed and a danger to themselves - they get to make the decsion for themselves (with support and information) on whether to stay or go. A grade 6 is so in between - and knowing what to do is tricky. I would let them decide - but there would be parameters on that decision.

good luck! More hugs.....

Kathy
 
#12 ·
Quote:
She is an easy target-new,pretty and very smart. Straight A's, without ever bringing home homework.
Thats sad when I was in school and around here those are the super popular kids the ones everyone loves.

Deanna
 
#13 ·
I admire your daughter for her strength and determination - she sounds like quite a young lady. I would make sure she knows that if at any time she's had enough and wants to pull out, that you'll support her. And I would definitely have a sit-down meeting with the principal and your dd. It sounds like the bullying isn't going to stop on its own, and the fact that the school doesn't have a anti-bully plan in place isn't good.

Is the school waiting until your dd seriously gets hurt? Do they really want you to have to call the police? Would they want that kind of publicity - they know there's a problem now, and they're not doing much about it.

I'd ask your dd what involvement she wants you to have, as well.
 
#14 ·
Well, if it were me, I would have a loud freak-out on the principal. Does the school have a code of conduct? Find out and read it if they do, they probally have a section on bullying and the consequences that the school will need to take. Also I would email the district superintendent and cc the principal. That will get action very quickly! Good luck.
 
#15 ·
I'd want a meeting with the principal and the other parents.
If the school and parents can't stop this bullying behavior I'd let them know I'd be contacting my lawyer. If this were outside of school and adults, they would be arrested for assault, but as it's 6th grade they seem to think it's OK to let it be. That's not acceptable. They either cut it off now or it goes to the next level.
Also I found in our school district, the bullying get's a 100 times worse in middle school, the police have been called, I specifically remember two incidents, one where a kid thew a rock (baseball sized) at a kid he was bullying for years, the kid was hit in the head and ended up in hospital. Another where Ds's best friwnd was punched in the face while walking to class, didn't even look at the other kid who punched him. two years later he is still having orthodontic work on his front teeth. According to my friend of 10 years (she has teen girls) the girls being worse than the boys. It's ridiculous.
 
#16 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MCR
I'd want a meeting with the principal and the other parents.
If the school and parents can't stop this bullying behavior I'd let them know I'd be contacting my lawyer.

Ditto the above since it sounds like the school isn't doing much to correct the bullying.
 
#17 ·
~~~~~UPDATE~~~~~~

Just a quick note, to say that after a VERY disappointing meeting with the principal, we pulled dd out-leaving our other dc there.
(Marriages require compromises....
)

Afterwards....

Laying ALL options out for dd, SHE wanted to file a police report! A dear, sweet friend of mine, who has too much experience with violence and has a degree in behavioral psychology, put that out as an option. I guess that is typical protocol for the local PS.

The police officer was....stunned....that this school was so dismissive of the bullying that has taken place. And outright shocked(his words) about the way the principal handled(or,actually, DIDN'T HANDLE) the physical assault.

He (PO) was VERY encouraging towards dd, and said, "You are a brave, courageous girl, and if every student was as brave as you, and reported bullying, our nation would not have so many violent school-related tragedies(sp?) throughout our nation!"

I wanted to bawl at that point. Our dd has no idea, that students who are bullied, and pushed to a breaking point, show up at schools, and open fire on the school population!! But, I do.


I will fill in the details later. ALL OF OUR DC ARE STAYING HOME TILL NEXT THURSDAY-AN EXTENDED SPRING BREAK. This gives us time to think/work through these angering events.
 
#18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by octobermom View Post
Thats sad when I was in school and around here those are the super popular kids the ones everyone loves.

Deanna
My readings, and talks with parents of older dc, reveal that this is NOT uncommon. The prettier, the smarter....the newer...all reasons for the intimidated dc to bully.

I don't think this is sad, it is angering! Your post reflects stereotyping....there is NO face for a victim of bullying-ANY face can be a victim. I only mentioned this, as a popular book about girl bullying, brings my dd's situation up again and again.
 
#19 ·
wow i cant BELIEVE how lackadaisical the principal has been. wow your dd is absolutely fantastic.

and i am so grateful how strong an antibullying policy our school has.

how wonderfully you supported your dd. and how strong she is for filing a PR. wow!!! the absolute best thing to do when nothing else works.
 
#20 ·
If you are pulling her and it's private school I'd ask for my money back, they weren't doing their job, sue them, bring the problem of bullying out from under the rock they hide it under and make them do their jobs.
Can you tell I was bullied when I was really young? (age 8-10) I'm just grateful my bullier moved when her parents divorced.
 
#21 ·
I am so livid beyond words, to report that the teacher supervising recess, WAS TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE, AND LITERALLY WAVED OFF DD'S FRIEND, WHOM APPROACHED HER, SEEKING HELP. This, combined with the principal's attitude, leaves us with such a bitter taste.

Speechless.
 
#23 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post
Bolding mine. The rest of the post I totally agree with.

I do not see it as a win/lose situation.

If it were my daughter - my worries would be about happiness, self esteem and the long term consequences of being bullied.

Who gives a rats behind if the bullies think they won?
Well...my point is not so much about whether the bullies won as much as it is whether the daughter feels they won. It seems to me she wanted to stick it out and face this problem at school and try to solve it.

I agree now that it is time to step in and walk away from this problem if it looks like the school doesn't care to try to solve it, which sounds horrible to me. She can't fight the bullying of the administration and the students. That's too much.

I'd like to stay updated on how the police report turns out and whether you do decide to bring a lawsuit in civil court against the school. It should be interesting to see how these things are followed up on, since I honestly have no clue. Congratulations to her for deciding to ultimately report it. I don't even know you're daughter and she makes me proud.
 
#24 ·
Learn about your state's anti-bullying laws (if they have them):

http://www.bullypolice.org/grade.html
http://www.bullypolice.org/

I agree with pp to find out about filing a report with the police. See what they say about the matter. They'd be able to tell you what you can do about it.

If your principal isn't dealing with the situation adequately, go to the school superintendent.

Even if your state does not have a zero tolerance policy, you should make a huge stink.

Here's more info on "what you can do":

http://www.loveourchildrenusa.org/ho...topbullies.php

Collect all documentation you have to date and if you haven't done so, send it to the principal, the school board, and the superintendent. Write letters after each new incident and forward them to the same.

Be the parent that takes a stand to make it stop. Even if you pull your child, you may be changing things for other kids.
 
#25 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by blessed mommy View Post
The school has no anti-bullying policy.
this really stood out to me. I can't believe they wouldn't have something in place for this type of situation.

I'm sorry for what your DD is going through. It's a shame it can happen in a small school like that. My children are h/s but I remember all too well how mean other girls could be in middle school.


I'd definitely do something about it at this point. Talk to the other child's parent or get involved in the PTA/PTO and get something going that way.

Don't ignore it. Your child shouldn't have to feel she is being forced to go to this type of environment day in and day out with nothing being done about it.
 
#26 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by blessed mommy View Post
My readings, and talks with parents of older dc, reveal that this is NOT uncommon. The prettier, the smarter....the newer...all reasons for the intimidated dc to bully.
I'm sure children that look and act all different ways (including weight problems and shyness) are affected by bullying. Plus, the person doing the bullying usually comes from a bad home or a bad situation to begin with. Regardless, it's not your DD's fault in any way.
 
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