Am I over-reacting? Dd's privates touched!!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 09-18-2010, 12:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I found out this morning that yesterday - while at school - my daughter was being relentlessly teased by a boy who then SMACKED her bottom!
She is in first grade and I know that kids will be kids and it's likely not a sexual thing, but I do feel that the teacher should have said something to me! Im LIVID!
I can't believe I get reports from the teacher when a student pushes, or my daughter pushes another student - but I dont get told when my daughter's private areas are touched???? REALLY?

Am I over reacting? I dont wanna go in there Monday pissed if Im over reacting. I just feel like had I known about it yesterday I could have addressed it with dd. You know - explain that people are no allowed to EVER do that etc. Or just KNOW. Apparently it bothered her enough to tell me about it a day later.....

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#2 of 21 Old 09-18-2010, 12:43 PM
 
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I would email the teacher and principal right away. Do you know the name of the other child? I would not go in vent mode in the email, and if it takes you a couple of hours of editing, so be it (I have been there)--but, essentially I would say, "I am requesting an immediate meeting with the principal and preferably the teacher. My daughter reported that Boy hit her bottom at <recess? class?> on Day. I take this very seriously, as my daughter was very upset about this, and would like to know what the next step is to resolve this. I do not know if the teacher witnessed this incident, since I was not informed by the teacher, but I am very upset and want to see how my daughter will be protected from being teased and hit in the future."

If you don't have a crappy principal, they tend to hop on stuff like this quick. You might also want to get on your district/school website, look up the handbook, and use the lanugage that they have under disciplinary actions or the formal complain process. I don't think it needs to go there, but throwing in a few of the hot words will often wake up administration.

Don't wait until Monday. Send this today. Many people check their email over the weekend. And then go in on Monday too.
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#3 of 21 Old 09-18-2010, 12:57 PM
 
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Sometimes the teacher is unaware that something like this happened. I would speak with her calmly about it and more from your DD's stand point. That it upset her enough that she spoke to you about it.

My DD has been getting boobs drawn on her drawings at daycare to take home (after school program). I alerted the teacher and the director. It's not that big of a deal to me, but it is important to teach children about what is appropriate and inappropriate. They were completely apologetic, had no idea (how could they?) and are working with me to remedy the situation. Not "punish" the boy or girl who is doing it, but teach them not to.

Maybe that sort of approach will get you further than the livid approach?
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#4 of 21 Old 09-18-2010, 02:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I do know that the teacher was aware. My dd told her and apparently he had to sit out at recess for 5 min.
Like I said - I dont think it was that big of a deal that it happened - but it's HUGE to me that she didn't tell me about it. I know they can't give me the name of the child when they tell me - but thye could have told me SOMETHING.
I just would have liked to know so that I could sit down and talk to my daughter about inapproriate touching and that it's NOT okay for someone to ever touch, spank etc her body ESPECIALLY her private areas.

I am going to see if I cannot locate the emails and send those out now.
Thanks ladies, Im glad Im not the only one who sees something wrong with this.

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#5 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 02:18 PM
 
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smacking bottom = dd's private touched = over reacting in my book.

in our school we only get a letter home when there is a cut or bruise or something big.

a boy smacking my dd's bottom - no i wouldnt care about it or want to know unless it happens regularly.

smacking bottom = being shoved in line in my books.

slapping her vagina - now that is a whole different story. but her bottom - nope. probably that boy gets punished by being smacked on the bottom.

the fully clothed bottom in my book is not a private part.

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#6 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 02:25 PM
 
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wait.. were her PRIVATES smacked... or her butt? To me, there is a difference.

Now, the smacking of the butt I still find inappropriate and the teacher absolutely should have told you, but I was expecting a totally different story when I opened this. I would see the smacking of the butt as equal to the back or chest personally. Still definitely bad, but not on the same level as privates touching in my book. The teacher probably sees it the same as me and didn't thinkg 'a child touched another child's private parts' and probably saw it as 'a child hit another child' and simply forgot to tell you as hitting is generally seen as less of an issue than privates touching.

It is certainly a viewpoint to consider. The teacher should be telling you of course, but its probably good to make sure teacher knows that you consider the butt a private area as well so she understands that this kind of thing is of more importance than you.
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#7 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 02:43 PM
 
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Another kid smacking a butt on the playground doesn't equal touching of privates, IMO. Not saying it's okay, but if you don't expect to be notified everytime your kid is slapped on the arm (and maybe you do, understandably), then I wouldn't be marching into the school upset at the teacher. It's not sexual harassment, or worthy of any different action than any other elementary aggression (again, IMO).

I would just calmly mention it to the teacher on Monday. I guess you could let her know you do expect to be notified for every incidence. Not really sure what else you can do at this point.

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#8 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 02:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife View Post
Another kid smacking a butt on the playground doesn't equal touching of privates, IMO. Not saying it's okay, but if you don't expect to be notified everytime your kid is slapped on the arm (and maybe you do, understandably), then I wouldn't be marching into the school upset at the teacher. It's not sexual harassment, or worthy of any different action than any other elementary aggression (again, IMO).

I would just calmly mention it to the teacher on Monday. I guess you could let her know you do expect to be notified for every incidence. Not really sure what else you can do at this point.
Yeah, this. I don't consider a slap on the butt to be "private parts touched."
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#9 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 03:00 PM
 
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I agree with PP, a smack on the butt is not privates. I wouldn't be happy about it, but, to me, it's the same as being smacked anywhere else on the body.

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#10 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 03:01 PM
 
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smacking bottom = dd's private touched = over reacting in my book.

in our school we only get a letter home when there is a cut or bruise or something big.

a boy smacking my dd's bottom - no i wouldnt care about it or want to know unless it happens regularly.

smacking bottom = being shoved in line in my books.

slapping her vagina - now that is a whole different story. but her bottom - nope. probably that boy gets punished by being smacked on the bottom.

the fully clothed bottom in my book is not a private part.
yeah, i would be upset over my child being SMACKED by another kid.

thats just unacceptable.

but clothed butt between children? idk... i think that as inappropriate as the smacking was... it doesnt seem within the usual definition of "touching privates"

just in my opinion... which may be very different from anyone elses.

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#11 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 03:03 PM
 
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i said "between children" bc the same action between adults could be sexual harassment.

i feel that in the majority of instances- a situation like you described is not sexually motivated...

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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#12 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 03:03 PM
 
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I agree - I think getting hit by another child is bad, but I don't think it's worse due to the fact that it was a smack on the butt at this age. If we were talking about teenagers, I'd probably have a different opinion about it.
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#13 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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Yes, I think you are over-reacting.

To refer to a smack on a clothed bottom by another 6 year old "private parts touched!!!" is an overreaction. Many children do this as teasing, and while that doesn't make it ok, it is a far cry from a child having their private parts touched. You are sexualizing a very childish, fairly normal thing. I would tell the teacher that it bothered your DD, and that if something like that were to happen again, you want to know, but I would refrain from venting or using such strong language.
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#14 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 03:31 PM
 
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Another kid smacking a butt on the playground doesn't equal touching of privates, IMO. Not saying it's okay, but if you don't expect to be notified everytime your kid is slapped on the arm (and maybe you do, understandably), then I wouldn't be marching into the school upset at the teacher. It's not sexual harassment, or worthy of any different action than any other elementary aggression (again, IMO).

I would just calmly mention it to the teacher on Monday. I guess you could let her know you do expect to be notified for every incidence. Not really sure what else you can do at this point.
As a parent, and as a teacher, I agree.
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#15 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 03:41 PM
 
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Yes, I think you are over-reacting.

To refer to a smack on a clothed bottom by another 6 year old "private parts touched!!!" is an overreaction. Many children do this as teasing, and while that doesn't make it ok, it is a far cry from a child having their private parts touched. You are sexualizing a very childish, fairly normal thing. I would tell the teacher that it bothered your DD, and that if something like that were to happen again, you want to know, but I would refrain from venting or using such strong language.
I agree.

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#16 of 21 Old 09-19-2010, 05:42 PM
 
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Yes, I think you are over-reacting.

To refer to a smack on a clothed bottom by another 6 year old "private parts touched!!!" is an overreaction. Many children do this as teasing, and while that doesn't make it ok, it is a far cry from a child having their private parts touched. You are sexualizing a very childish, fairly normal thing. I would tell the teacher that it bothered your DD, and that if something like that were to happen again, you want to know, but I would refrain from venting or using such strong language.
I agree with this. This is a major overreaction. We never got a call for every little push or smack, my dd would tell me but it isn't something they track unless it is the same kid over and over. If this kid is teasing her often then you should call the teacher each time he does something so she can deal with that.
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#17 of 21 Old 09-20-2010, 09:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife View Post
Another kid smacking a butt on the playground doesn't equal touching of privates, IMO. Not saying it's okay, but if you don't expect to be notified everytime your kid is slapped on the arm (and maybe you do, understandably), then I wouldn't be marching into the school upset at the teacher. It's not sexual harassment, or worthy of any different action than any other elementary aggression (again, IMO).
ITA. In fact, last year (2nd grade) and part of the year before DS thought it was *hilarious* to smack other people on the butt. If kids watch sports at all, they actually see it done as a friendly thing all the time and that is how DS was doing it. We ended up having him stop because 1) we try to stick with no hitting, even friendly and 2) it really bothered one parent.

Good luck!

 

 

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#18 of 21 Old 09-20-2010, 09:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Calee View Post
Yes, I think you are over-reacting.

To refer to a smack on a clothed bottom by another 6 year old "private parts touched!!!" is an overreaction. Many children do this as teasing, and while that doesn't make it ok, it is a far cry from a child having their private parts touched. You are sexualizing a very childish, fairly normal thing. I would tell the teacher that it bothered your DD, and that if something like that were to happen again, you want to know, but I would refrain from venting or using such strong language.

ITA, a smack on the bottom does not, in any way, equal privates being touched.
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#19 of 21 Old 09-20-2010, 09:57 PM
 
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Getting hit at school is something that happens, and should be taken seriously. The boy hitting her on the butt outside at recess isn't anything to be freaked out by though. Is it possible this affected you so strongly because you haven't talked to your daughter about good touch/bad touch and you're a little past due?

Sexual abuse is a horrible thing and the best thing we can do to protect our children is to educate them about how to get out of an unsafe situation. My advice would be to you, is to first educate yourself on how to talk about touching. Using words like private parts is vague, more safe would be to teach her the proper words for her body. This is important because if she is ever touched by someone she will be able to tell you where. I also think that you should deeply consider if you want to tell her that no one should ever touch her there. Phrasing like this teaches shame, that she has this bad untouchable body parts, and that it is always wrong and forbidden for someone else to touch them (these messages will inform her sex life later on). Second, it isn't that no one is ever to touch her there right? Because likely sometimes you would, or a doctor, ect.

Good luck sorting through this

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#20 of 21 Old 09-20-2010, 10:18 PM
 
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i would not have considered it "privates touched" either, but I would probably talk to the teacher about the issues surrounding it and how upset your DD is.

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#21 of 21 Old 09-21-2010, 01:46 PM
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Yeah, I agree with the others about equating a smack on the butt between kids with private areas being touched. I think, however, you are well within your rights to speak to the teacher and asked to be informed about such incidents. Probably the teacher dealt with it and then considered the matter resolved.

The other day my kindergartener told me that she had been smacked in the face by a boy in her class (the teacher never mentioned it, no note or anything). So I talked to dd about and she said that the teacher removed the boy from the other kids, put him in a "time out" chair, and talked to him about the incident. After that, it was over. So I think she just thought to make an issue out of it beyond that. Since dd was upset by it, I considered e-mailing the teacher about it to find out more about what happened, but by the next day it was like nothing ever happened, so I too let it go.

I certainly do NOT think it's OK for kids to hit each other, but I also think that this is something that happens sometimes, the teacher should respond appropriately, and then life goes on. I don't think I would make a bigger issue out of it unless it happens again, or seems to happen consistently despite the teacher's intervention.

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