I keep oscillating between being really happy about the new baby and then feeling really sad to do this to my son. He is very high need. He still nurses many times throughout the day and night and is still co-sleeping. He also needs a lot of attention all the time. I am worried that he is not going to deal well with sharing me and his dad with the new lo.
I know that he will adjust, I mean obviously millions of other children have and are fine. I just can't seem to get rid of this sad feeling that everything is changing and he will not be the center of my world anymore.
Anyone else having similar feelings? Anyone out there that has already been through this in the past that can give me some reassurance?
Bethany ~ Mama of two wonderful boys ♥ ♥ Wife to one amazing man ♥
Massage Therapist ~ Doula ~ Student Midwife
But for all the disadvantages there are just as many advantages. I wish I had had the joy of siblings.
there is always mama guilt when you have more than one. but you'll learn to love them both. and your son will be the better for it once he settles in, i promise. he will love having a sibling - if not immediately, then eventually.
Wife to j, homeschooling mom to five wonders
Now I am pg with baby #3. It was a little bit of a surprise since DH and I were open to another baby, but were leaving it to fate and not officially ttc. The one thing we both agreed on, was that this time around, there would be at LEAST a 3-4 yr gap btwn the baby and my youngest son, since we realized how difficult it was to have two kids so close in age. I know that this time around, things will be a little bit easier, b/c I've BTDT with trying to figure out how to juggled more than one child and my youngest wil be almost 4 by the time I have the baby.
You'll do ok and realize that by having another baby, you also give your child another friend and playmate. With all of my guilt, I did not really think about the benefits of having two kids close in age and it turned out for me that my two boys really enjoy one another so much. It was not something that I really thought about. I only thought about what my kids would be missing out on, not what they would gain with having another sibling.
How does one prepare a 2 year old (she will also be 2.5 when her sibling arrives) for such a change?
My SIL just had another baby. Her first is 2.5 years old and a boy. Her first son absolutely loves the new baby. He has been so excited to have a little brother right from the start. I know kids are all different but I thought maybe you'd be happy to hear about one 2.5 yo that was happy with a new baby.
BUT, like today, when DD was standing in the middle of the living room, looking like she just needed someone to play but I felt too bad to do it, I thought about how much easier it'll be when she has someone to play with/pick on/entertain/teach (!), etc, and how much better that will be for her. Like making her a more well-rounded little girl, and help her learn to be considerate of others, etc.
I've been talking to her about all the things that she can do, but the baby won't be able to, asking her about all the things that she will want to teach the new baby, talking about all the things that they'll be able to do together someday w/o mama and dada (leaving out the part that that is a long long way down the road!!). When I see her excited about it, and she wants to talk to the baby and gives my belly a zerbert to do so (making fart sounds on my belly), it makes me glad we ended up doing it again.
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance"- Confucius
Even now they are so close. They have the normal sibling stuff but they love each other so so so much and can play together for hours. I am excited to bring another babe into our family.
Before DD2 was born, it was hard for me to even imagine another person in our family and after she was born I could barely remember life without her! I am sure that is how it will be this time too!
Bethany ~ Mama of two wonderful boys ♥ ♥ Wife to one amazing man ♥
Massage Therapist ~ Doula ~ Student Midwife
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then he is born,
and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me
as you've never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am
But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity,
then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.
More days pass,
and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared,
just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow,
the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you,
I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with
both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are,
but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only
And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own
I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life."
I've been wondering if our feelings about adding to our family have to do with our experiences as children. I was 4 years and 20 days old when my mom had twins. I'm sure I was excited, but I was bf until I was 3 and a half, and we were very close. She was so busy with twins that she says she doesn't really remember much except that one morning, the twins were both improbably asleep at the same time, and I crawled into her bed and cried for about 20 minutes. She said she felt so bad for me and she cried too because there was nothing she could do.
I'm so scared that my son will feel abandoned by me when the new baby comes, but I'm trying to feel confident that I'm only having one (please God!) and my husband is more involved than my father was. With his help, I'm trying to be confident that we can make the transition fairly smooth.
I hear you though. My son will be 2 on December 9th, and like yours he still nurses a lot and co-sleeps. It will be an interesting transition, but as my husband keeps saying, "we're not taking anything away from him. We're giving something to all of us."
I had very similar feelings during my second pregnancy, and even for the first little while after she was born. I am feeling much more at rest and fully happy this time as I have made a realization. Though children need to share (their mother, their toys, their space), they have the gift of a loving, dynamic family that opens their arms to let them in! Everyone adjusts in time, and it's as though it's always been that way. Totally normal feelings, just try to focus on this baby as a gift for your son!
Peaceful mama to three blissfully-birthed and incredible small people: dd10, dd7 and ds5. Always awed and so thankful to be a midwife.
Maybe our kids will just surprise us and not have any issues with it at all! You never know.
I think the main thing I am worried about is the sleeping situation, it is definitely DDs neediest time.
DD will be 3 years 4 months when the new one is born. DD still nurses through the night and co-sleeps, and we are very close. I'm so excited to be pregnant, but knowing that my special relationship with DD will come to an end soon makes me sad. It makes me feel better to know that others are going through the same roller coaster of emotions. I know that DD will be an awesome big sister, but knowing DD will be jealous and mad at me breaks my heart. I love her so much and I cannot imagine loving the next one as much.
When my sister was born, I asked my mother, "wasn't I enough?" How heartbreaking is that? (I was 3.5).
mama to DD (7), DS (3.5), and another DS arriving in August!
You know, I was thinking about this post earlier today. I wonder....do you think our mothers put this much thought into child spacing, family size, etc?
Do we (this generation of Mommas) just overthink everything?
On one hand, it's good to think about how another child is going to affect (or is it effect? I have a degree in English and I can never remember) our family, our lives, our careers, and the demands on ourselves. We don't just want to jump into things- planning is power, right?
One the other hand, I think this can lead to us worrying about everything and second-guessing our strengths. When were planning/pregnant w/ #1, did we REALLY know what we were getting ourselves into? Everyone told us our lives were "about to change," but how many of us REALLY knew what that meant. Then our beloved first baby arrived and suddenly we're REALLY thrust into motherhood. Some of us had a bit of a learning curve, and some of us thrived from day one...but we all learned, grew, and I don't know about you, but the woman I am today can out-cook, out-laundry, out-multi-task, out-organize, out-problem-solve and out-bargain-shop the woman I was just two short years ago. Not to mention kick her butt.
What I wonder is if this applies to baby # 2 as well. If we concieve in 2 weeks (*hopefully!*), will the mom I am in 2 years be able to kick my butt?
Just some random thoughts I'd share. If you think this is a long post...ha! You should have seen what I had written before! This is the edited version!
But I guess mostly, I'm excited FOR him. He's always going to be my first child, and there will always be a special place in my heart for him, but now he'll get to be that AND a big brother. His little brother or sister is really lucky to have him...(and now I'm bawling- stupid, crazy hormones!).
Unlike many kids he did not warm up well to having a brother, and it took him a long time to actually even look at ds2. In the first 6 weeks I had much more trouble with ds1 than I did with my new infant. I felt like I had turned his life upside down and was really guilty.
But you know what? Now they love each other so much. Ds1 tries to keep his 20 month old brother awake all day so he can play with him, rather than letting him nap. He asks where he is first thing in the morning. Ds2 adores his older brother and is just full of energy and excitement whenever ds1 shows the least interest in playing with him. The love and affection they share and the fun they have together is invaluable.
As well, I think high needs, spirited kids need siblings almost more than other kids do. I don't think its a good thing for children to beleive they are the centre of the universe and that everyone should jump when they wimper. They also need to know that not everything in the world is going to fit into their plan all the time. And what better way for them to learn this than by having other people to share their parents with and other people to sometimes crash their perfect plans?
Also, I have found that it is easier / harder to have two kids. Now that ds2 is up and running (really running and climbing and crashing and provoking his brother. . . ), some days are really hard with lots of breaking up fights and keeping everyone clean and dry and fed and feeling like my house is a zoo. But then other days they play really happily and peacefully together, and snuggle together at night, and I get all kinds of cleaning and sewing and cooking done. I find I don't have to take the boys out every day for hours like I did when I just had one, becuase they are not as bored, either.
So take heart. I must go and solve my ds1's terrible clothing dilemma (apparently he can't find his own pants today . . . despite having a drawer full of them).
As well, I think high needs, spirited kids need siblings almost more than other kids do. I don't think its a good thing for children to beleive they are the centre of the universe and that everyone should jump when they wimper. They also need to know that not everything in the world is going to fit into their plan all the time. And what better way for them to learn this than by having other people to share their parents with and other people to sometimes crash their perfect plans?.