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-   -   Now that we're all post-partum, anyone have a DH/DP who doesn't quite understand? (

bajamergrrl 08-21-2009 04:09 PM

Ok, before I start let me say that I love my DH. He loves me and DS. He's a good dad so far and spends time with DS. He changes his diapers, gives him baths and other baby related duties as they pop up. However, I don't think he quite understands what it means to have a newborn. He goes to work full-time everyday so it's just me and DS most of the time. DS is EBF so DH doesn't have to do any middle of the night feedings. DH gets to go out with his friends and do his favorite hobbies. I do not have this luxury.

I fully realized the lack of DH's understanding the other day. He came home from work with the intention of going out immediately afterward to ride his motorcycle with his friends. I had been waiting for him to come home so that I could go run some quick errands while he watched DS. DH refused to put his plans on hold for a little while saying that I had all day to run my errands. What he doesn't understand is that running errands with DS is not ideal. Sometimes our days consist of both of us catching up on sleep if DS was up for a long time at night. DS has days where he nurses around the clock and won't sleep anywhere but on my lap. There isn't anyone else I can call to give me a break. I may not manage to eat or shower till DH gets home. If DS and I make it to the car, there's usually a period of time where he screams in the car or screams when we arrive at our destination. Calming DS usually involves nursing which isn't always convenient even though I do NIP. Going anywhere with DS usually works better if there are at least two of available to wrangle him. Needless to say I wanted to throw something at DH's head...and almost did.

Ok, I'm sorry if I sound whiny particularly since there are mamas who do it all by themselves and with more than one DC. I'm just more annoyed with DH thinking it should be easy.

Anyway, does anyone else have a clueless DH/DP?

serenekitten 08-21-2009 05:02 PM

Sorry you're having such a rough time. I don't blame you for wanting to throw something at him! I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I hope he straightens out, for your sake.

My problem with my boyfriend (and his family) is his insistence that using pacis and bottles won't screw up our bfing. He seems to think that pumping and letting someone give DS a bottle would "help." People don't realize that nursing really doesn't bother me.

The other problem? He expected DS to sleep okay in a cradle on day one (well... four). He didn't seem to believe me when I said we had plenty of time to get him used to it.

tracymom1 08-22-2009 04:53 PM

I am sorry mama - that just sucks. Have you left him with the baby for more than a few minutes at a time? Maybe what he needs is an hour or two with DS so that he can fully understand what you go through all day. Are you planning on pumping and giving a bottle occasionally? If so, this might be a good way to hand off DS for a while and see how DH does.

And, as a side note, I would really recommend traveling and running errands with your baby as much as possible because it really can be easy to get around with a newborn (if you are confident bfing in public and wear a sling). It is a hard adjustment, but it can go smoothly with a little planning and an open mind. I spent the first few months with my first DC at home, only venturing out occasionally and I wish I would have gotten out more with him. Now, with a 2yo and newborn it is exponentially more difficult to get around and I miss the days of only having one to schlep around!

lizziemomofalmost4 08-23-2009 12:00 AM

Originally Posted by tracymom1 View Post
:And, as a side note, I would really recommend traveling and running errands with your baby as much as possible because it really can be easy to get around with a newborn (if you are confident bfing in public and wear a sling). It is a hard adjustment, but it can go smoothly with a little planning and an open mind.
Yes this momma! When I get out of the house every day, even if it's for a short walk, I'm a much happier mom and wife. Being at home with a newborn without any adult contact can really drain you. When I haven't left the house for a day or two I get very angry with my husband because he has the "freedom" to do what he likes without having a baby attached to him.

When I only had one child, I used to space out my errands so I had somewhere to go every day if I felt I needed to get out of the house. Also try to find some momma friends with babies or toddlers so you can meet at the park or out to lunch. Nursing in public gets easier every time you do it and you'll feel more confident and comfortable with it each time.

lindsayjean 08-23-2009 07:12 PM

yes- I agree with others! Totally go do errands with that babe! WHen I had 1 I did that all the time with the sling- feels SO good to just get out of the house. My first (and this one actually...) SCREAM in the car, but if you can get past that, it really makes the day go faster/better I think!

Now that I have a toddler AND a newborn going out and doing errands is a LITTLE bit harder. But I think my husband realizes how much work it is. He was gone for an ENTIRE WEEK out of town for work when DS when freaking 2 weeks old. Hardest week ever!!!

I think the adjustment to having a child is harder for guys sometimes because they don't have to feed the baby so they don't quite understand how much work it truly is. My husband sleeps through all our night feedings so I don't think he realizes why I am so tired when I went to sleep at 9pm... he assumes I should be well rested HAHA.

BlessedEarthMother 08-25-2009 12:51 PM

I have to say that DH is much more understanding this time around with our second baby. The first time he just didn't get it at all. Since he wasn't the one feeding the babe and he was leaving and working he just didn't understand what it took. He never really understood until I got pregnant with #2 and DH lost his job. Since he wasn't working and I was so tired from being pregnant I stepped back and let him take care of DS1 most of the time. He finally started to understand how much work it is to take care of a child. Now that DS2 is here DH is so much more understanding than the first time around.

All I can say is that you should try to communicate how you are feeling as best as you can to your husband. If you don't let him know the extent of what you're feeling and going through you may end up resenting him. I was afraid to let my DH know just how I felt the first time and yet I somehow expected him to figure it out on his own. This time I started prepping him during pregnancy that I would really need him to do more this time than he did the first time. And he is so much more considerate this time.

bajamergrrl 08-26-2009 03:40 PM

Thanks ladies. DH and I are both on a learning curve since this is our first. I think we're both getting more confident by the day. I think DH is starting to understand more and I do let him know what I'm feeling. Once I start pumping I'll be able to leave DS with DH for longer periods of time.

penstamon 08-26-2009 04:25 PM

I'm glad things are shaping up for you. I don't think my DH knew what to do to help or if I needed help at first. Our problem was that he would do everything around the house or errands and always leave me stuck on the couch BFing or comforting DS I freaked out on him by day 5ish and he is way more understanding now. I just plop DS on him when he is home and go about my business until its time for another feed.

I hope things get even better and your DH spends plenty of quality time once the bottle is introduced.

learnlovebe 08-26-2009 04:59 PM

Your ds napping only when you hold him gave me flashbacks to when my ds was a wee one. DS also hated his carseat and being in the car in general, so going anywhere w/ him when he was little gave me so much anxiety- especially when I had to go alone.

A moby wrap saved my sanity. I would put the wrap on before I left the house, put ds in his carseat, drive to where ever I was going, take ds out of his car seat and pop him in the moby. He loved it. I could go anywhere, and he'd be happy. Grocery shopping became an enjoyable escape each week- heck, sometimes we'd go more than once a week.

I didn't know any other moms in town until ds was over 2 months old (that was when I found the local MOMS club chapter- google them, there may be a chapter in your area). Finding that group (I'm now the president) was a complete life saver. Finally, I had support- Moms who knew what I was going through and activities to look forward to each week. yeah, it's not like a newborn is going to play at the playground, but the adult conversation at the playground was worth getting out of bed that morning!

As for your dh, I'm at a loss as to what to say. If my dh tried to be that selfish, and put his social life ahead of our family life, I'd have a few words for him. The first few months are such a stressfull time for new families- each person is learning their new role and sometimes it's a struggle. Motorcycles will still be there once everyone has adjusted.

Ianthe 08-26-2009 05:38 PM

MY DH didn't get it the first time either. It took us reversing roles for him to understand. I went back to work while he stayed home with DS1 when he was about 10 months old. I came home every day for a week and asked him why the house wasn't clean and dinner wasn't made, lol. He got it and hasn't given me any trouble this time around! Maybe that's harsh, but it worked!

pinksprklybarefoot 08-27-2009 01:58 AM

Originally Posted by LizzyQ View Post
I came home every day for a week and asked him why the house wasn't clean and dinner wasn't made, lol. He got it and hasn't given me any trouble this time around! Maybe that's harsh, but it worked!
It's always so different when the tables are turned, isn't it? My DH had to do the cooking (should be no big deal - he is a chef by trade) and cleaning and older child care right after the baby was born, and he had to concede that it was a lot of work (He had a month paternity leave)! Then, right before he went back to work, I left for 12 hours for a Girl Scout activity (I lead DSD's troop) and he was home alone with the two younger boys. Now he understands.

I suggest to any mom whose DP is being a three-letter donkey to leave for more than several hours - he'll get the picture.

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