Really wanting a homebirth, but ... - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-12-2009, 08:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So I really want a homebirth. Deep down I wanted one last time too, though I really didn't let myself consider it. And then the closer I got to my due date the more I realized I really didn't want to go to the hospital. I don't think I would have had a choice anyway though because I ended up with preeclampsia. I was a week over due and finally relented to being induced. We went in to the hospital at our scheduled time, but I was already in labor. Unfortunately my blood pressure was super high and I had to be put on magnesium sulfate and the whole experience was really miserable. Any way, after that I kept telling myself that next time I would have a homebirth. But here are the issues.

1. my husband admitted the other night that he really doesn't feel comfortable with me having a homebirth. He didn't say I couldn't, just that he's not comfortable, but I'm not sure that I can be sure enough about it for the both of us. I mean I'm sure I don't want to have the baby at the hospital, but I am very susceptible to negative energy and I'm worried that if he doesn't support me and the homebirth, things won't go well. There is a part of me that believes that the blood pressure at the hospital was really my body responding to my fear of being at the hospital. I just think I need to be 100% comfortable if my birth is going to go well. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I won't feel comfortable if I'm at the hospital and I won't feel comfortable if I'm at home, but feeling unsupported.

2. I'm really concerned about the pre-eclampsia. I'm definitely at risk for having it again because I had it with my first, but I think that is my only risk factor. I would feel really disappointed if I ended up having to go to the hospital because of it, especially if I had to fight my dh to have the hb in the first place.

Anyway I just don't know what to do, and I'm feeling

Jennifer, mama to darling dancing Juliette, and sweet baby Jameson
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Old 01-12-2009, 09:08 PM
 
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What about having your husband watch a bunch of homebirths. Maybe see if he can talk to husbands of other husband whose wife's have had homebirths.
I don't know what to say about the pre-eclampsia but I'm sure there are things your midwife could help you with.
My first was born in the hospital, second in a birth center and third at home, in a tub. My husband by far liked the homebirth the best. I'm sure if your dh could talk to some who have experienced it (because our opinions just aren't enough sometimes). He could maybe feel better about it.
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Old 01-12-2009, 10:30 PM
 
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Are there any birth centers relatively close to you? That could be a happy medium....

My husband was not on board AT ALL with a homebirth. But after several times of mentioning it in passing and dropping little hints, I finally sat down and had a heart to heart with him and told him how important this was to me. He relented, and I haven't heard a single negative comment out of his mouth since. I'm not positive he's going to be my solid rock of positivity to lean on during labor, since the whole birthing process pretty much grosses him out - but I feel okay about it because I'm going to drag him to birthing classes with me, I'm going to have a great midwife, and my best friend is going to be here who is all about homebirthing, and if I have to I'll send him away and she'll be my birthing partner.

So, I say follow your heart. Birthing is such a unique experience, and you only get to do it so many times - do what your heart is telling you. Try sitting down with your DH and telling him how much you want to have a homebirth, print out statistics and studies he can look at on the safety of homebirths, and OH - rent "The Business of being Born". My DH won't watch homebirth videos, but my best friend lent us that movie and he actually sat and watched it from start to finish. That was, I believe, the start of his being able to even consider it.

I hope it all works out for the best.

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Old 01-12-2009, 10:40 PM
 
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It has been suggested in Ina May's guide to childbirth that preeclampsia can be avoided with diet changes. Midwifery model of care suggests that nutrition or lack there of CAN be a factor in which preeclampsia risk is hightened. Women on "The Farm" (A birthing community in Tennesee) are fed vegetarian diets and their main beverage is water. They found in lowered the incidence of preeclampsia (they call it TOxemia).

A Dr., who follows the techno-medical model of birth, will tell you that their is no correlation. They do not recognize how important nutrition is to the pregnant woman.

The closer you eat to nature, the better.

As for your husband, what is he afraid of exactly?? Pinpoint his fears and dispell them, one by one with careful research. It WILL hurt your birth if he is not totally on board. Birth is very psychological. You will feel his negativity. I wish I had not had my husband at the time at my HB. Seriously derailed my birth. Get it resolved and have your HB!!!!!!
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Old 01-12-2009, 11:00 PM
 
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Crashing your ddc.

Find a good midwife, and explain to her the situation. Then, bring your dh and let him ask her everything he ever could want. A good midwife will be able to answer every question and will most likely put his mind completely at ease (or at least alleviate his fears).

With ds2 I started out saying that I was going to go to the birthcenter. Then as dh got comfortable with the idea I started saying I was having a homebirth. He never said otherwise, so guess what we did? Homebirth.

I would also talk to the midwife about ways to prevent Pre-E. She may have some good suggestions.

Bottom line, you are the one who has to go through labor and birth, and really you should get to choose where (of course as long as you remain low risk).

Good luck!

Happily married to my dh, mama to ds1 (01/2005), ds2 (07/2007)  and dd (07/2009).
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Old 01-12-2009, 11:32 PM
 
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We had a HB with DS2 and DH was scared and sort of opposed to the idea in the beginning. So I suggested we meet potential caregivers and we started with the HB MW. After we met with her he was all for HB. I guess what he pictured a HB MW to be like and what she was actually like were two different things. It also helped to go over every single potential emergency and how it would be handled.

As for being worried about pre-e, a MW can monitor you for that. Obviously if you had issues you'd be risked out but there is always the option of using the HB MW as your labor doula to still have her present at the birth. I really think most HB MWs provide more thourough care than any OB anyway, MWs listen to their intuition and that is something you rarely find in the hospital setting.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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Old 01-13-2009, 01:11 AM
 
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My DH went from uncomfortable with to outspoken in favor of homebirth in a VERY short period of time. I started talking about HB around August 2007 and by December 2007, he was on board. "The Business of Being Born" completely changed his mind about home birth and hospital delivery.

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Old 01-13-2009, 02:34 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DahliaRW View Post
Find a good midwife, and explain to her the situation. Then, bring your dh and let him ask her everything he ever could want. A good midwife will be able to answer every question and will most likely put his mind completely at ease (or at least alleviate his fears).
That's really good advice. If you want I can share the list of questions we wrote up for midwife interviews, it was pretty long and might give your DH an idea of what he would want to ask.

I also think a birth center could be a good compromise. You have lots of time left to figure this out Also, a good homebirth midwife will keep an eye out for signs of pre-e, so if it should become an issue later on in pregnancy she should be on top of it and get you to an OB or hospital if it is necessary, especially since you have a history of it.
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Old 01-13-2009, 04:59 AM
 
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Preeclampsia.org is an awesome forum to read through. There is also an awesome thread somewhere around here about pre-eclampsia. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=221654 WELL worth a read through! Be warned though, it is long

I had pre-e with my eldest at 24 weeks - thankfully, she survived. My second was born at 36 weeks due to me going into labor - I never got pre-e with him. My fingers are crossed that I won't get pre-e with this one, either. It is possible to not get pre-e again.

One thing you can do is talk to your doctor about *why* you got it, and what you can do to help keep it from coming back. There are blood tests they can run and such. I am 100% convinced that pre-e is a placental disease and at least for me, it might have had to do with some blood clotting issues. So, I took a baby aspirin throughout my second pregnancy and I'm taking one again. For women with more severe clotting issues, there is also drugs such as Levenox. After doing a lot of research, I personally do not believe the diets work at all - so before committing to an extremely different way of eating, I'd definitely do research and determine what you think.

Good luck, and I hope you and your DH can come to an agreement that you both are 100% comfortable with!!!

-sarah-
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Old 01-13-2009, 11:26 AM
 
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I never understand husbands like that. For one thing, it's your decision, and for another thing, if you look at any statistics, homebirth is a ton safer!

If you have a midwife and later you do have pre-eclampsia, they won't take risks and will refer you to a doctor. But wouldn't it be worth it to try?

Partnered mama with DD (01/04) and DD (08/09) and 8 critters, including a !
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Old 01-13-2009, 05:00 PM
 
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Hugs mama!

There was a dvd reviewed in Mothering Magazine (and elsewhere) called "Homebirth Dads" and it may be a good dvd for your DH to watch. I bet a local midwife or birth group would have a copy you could borrow.

Also, look for a midwife who will take the time to meet with you and your dh (or maybe your dh would prefer to go without you since maybe he would feel easier asking certain questions "in private"?) and go over all the different options. The midwife I'll be seeing actually has a free 1-hour meet/greet to answer questions and sort of "explain" homebirth since often people have misunderstandings or concerns that are easy to put to rest.

It really doesn't sound (from what you've written) like your DH is dead set against HB... he probably just needs a bit more information and time to adjust to the idea.

Also look for a midwife who has experience in treating blood pressure concerns holistically (diet, acupuncture, meditation, exercise, etc). It's true that your risk is higher, and that it could happen again, but try not to plan the entire pregnancy/birth around a "what if" fear... I know that was a challenge for me with my vbac. Part of me kept thinking "well, what if I end up with a repeat c/s? maybe I should just schedule and get the whole thing over with". It's not exactly the same thing, but planning a hospital birth in large part "just because you may end up with one anyway" probably wont make you happy.

I hope you and your partner find a balance that works for you both.

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Old 01-14-2009, 02:09 AM
 
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I second getting a copy of "The Business of Being Born." My husband was DEAD set against hb when I first brought it up, but now, he's almost as upset as I am that I have to go to a hospital. (Long story, insurance issues...) Anyway, it helped that I bombarded him with links, and youtubes of great homebirths, and he took it upon himself to educate himself somewhat, too. But TBOBB helps A LOT!

ETA; If I had taken a hard-line approach, "It's my body and my birth adn I'll do d*** well what I want to," it wouldn't have worked at all, and my perfect homebrith would've been ruined anyway, by both of our attitudes. So I REALLY don't recommend that route. Finding out his fears and addressing them, while still acknowledging that this IS his baby, too, and he has a right to be worried, has been the best route for us.

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Old 01-14-2009, 04:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marlygf View Post
What about having your husband watch a bunch of homebirths. Maybe see if he can talk to husbands of other husband whose wife's have had homebirths.
A friend of mine will be having a homebirth in April, so hopefully i get her husband to talk it up to my dh after it happens.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mama*pisces View Post
Are there any birth centers relatively close to you? That could be a happy medium....


So, I say follow your heart. Birthing is such a unique experience, and you only get to do it so many times - do what your heart is telling you. Try sitting down with your DH and telling him how much you want to have a homebirth, print out statistics and studies he can look at on the safety of homebirths, and OH - rent "The Business of being Born". My DH won't watch homebirth videos, but my best friend lent us that movie and he actually sat and watched it from start to finish. That was, I believe, the start of his being able to even consider it.

I hope it all works out for the best.
As far as a birthing center, the only one I know of near us is actually farther from the hospital then our own house. Also I don't think he'd feel that it was any safer than being at home. And for me it wouldn't have the advantage of being in my own space and not having to travel somewhere else while I'm in labor.

I definitely think he and I need to sit down together for a heart to heart. I really need to find some good resources with statistics for him to read to. That is probably more likely to sway his opinion than anything else. And we will definitely be watching BOBB.

Quote:
Originally Posted by labortrials View Post
My DH went from uncomfortable with to outspoken in favor of homebirth in a VERY short period of time. I started talking about HB around August 2007 and by December 2007, he was on board. "The Business of Being Born" completely changed his mind about home birth and hospital delivery.
i hope the movie has the same effect on my dh then

Quote:
Originally Posted by railyuh View Post
That's really good advice. If you want I can share the list of questions we wrote up for midwife interviews, it was pretty long and might give your DH an idea of what he would want to ask.
i would love to see your mw questions, that would really helpful I think.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ksera05 View Post

One thing you can do is talk to your doctor about *why* you got it, and what you can do to help keep it from coming back. There are blood tests they can run and such. I am 100% convinced that pre-e is a placental disease and at least for me, it might have had to do with some blood clotting issues. So, I took a baby aspirin throughout my second pregnancy and I'm taking one again. For women with more severe clotting issues, there is also drugs such as Levenox. After doing a lot of research, I personally do not believe the diets work at all - so before committing to an extremely different way of eating, I'd definitely do research and determine what you think.
I really wish I could talk to my doctor about what caused the pre-e, but he retired a few months after dd was born and we now live 400 miles away. I am going to try to locate my medical records and that way if there is info that is relevent to the cause of the pre-e than my midwife will have it. I will also ask my current ob about the baby aspirin. I think more than anything else I want to avoid the pre-e again. Also I have heard conflicting things about diet's role in pre-e, but I did eat horribly through my first pregnancy, and got no exercise, so I really want to eat better and exercise through this pregnancy regardless of whether it will help with the pre-e, yk?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wombatclay View Post
Hugs mama!

There was a dvd reviewed in Mothering Magazine (and elsewhere) called "Homebirth Dads" and it may be a good dvd for your DH to watch. I bet a local midwife or birth group would have a copy you could borrow.


It really doesn't sound (from what you've written) like your DH is dead set against HB... he probably just needs a bit more information and time to adjust to the idea.

Also look for a midwife who has experience in treating blood pressure concerns holistically (diet, acupuncture, meditation, exercise, etc). It's true that your risk is higher, and that it could happen again, but try not to plan the entire pregnancy/birth around a "what if" fear... I know that was a challenge for me with my vbac. Part of me kept thinking "well, what if I end up with a repeat c/s? maybe I should just schedule and get the whole thing over with". It's not exactly the same thing, but planning a hospital birth in large part "just because you may end up with one anyway" probably wont make you happy.

I hope you and your partner find a balance that works for you both.
I will see if I can find someone with a copy of that dvd it sounds like it would be helpful. He definitely isn't dead set against hb, but dh has a very passive-aggresive way of dealing with things sometimes (it's just how his family has always dealt with things), so my fear is that he will go along with it and then emotionally sabotage me you know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kchara View Post
I second getting a copy of "The Business of Being Born." My husband was DEAD set against hb when I first brought it up, but now, he's almost as upset as I am that I have to go to a hospital. (Long story, insurance issues...) Anyway, it helped that I bombarded him with links, and youtubes of great homebirths, and he took it upon himself to educate himself somewhat, too. But TBOBB helps A LOT!

ETA; If I had taken a hard-line approach, "It's my body and my birth adn I'll do d*** well what I want to," it wouldn't have worked at all, and my perfect homebrith would've been ruined anyway, by both of our attitudes. So I REALLY don't recommend that route. Finding out his fears and addressing them, while still acknowledging that this IS his baby, too, and he has a right to be worried, has been the best route for us.
I agree that I dont want to take a hardline approach. I mean it is my body, but the baby is both of ours and I'm going to be happier in the long run if I have his support. Getting him to talk about it at all though will be tricky because he hates conflict. I think I have to approach him very gently and just tell him that it's important to me, but I can't do it without his support and that i'd like us to take the time to learn more about it together.

Jennifer, mama to darling dancing Juliette, and sweet baby Jameson
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Old 01-15-2009, 08:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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well I asked dh last night if he'd be willing to wtch BOBB with me as just a way to start exploring all our options. I also told him that having a homebirth is really important to me, but I don't want to do it without his support. So I think he's willing to look into it more. I also spent the morning emailing midwives, though no one has responded yet. Just thought I'd keep you all posted. Thaks for all the vice and support.

Jennifer, mama to darling dancing Juliette, and sweet baby Jameson
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