Choices that I wish I didnt have to make. - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-20-2009, 03:20 AM - Thread Starter
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Had to be made. My life had almost already been lost, apparently 2 litters of blood loss within 2 minutes should have done that? I kept conscious. Doctors put fear in my heart and clogged my mind. According to them carrying my child was killing me; it was a matter of time before a heart attack, stroke, and/or death.
My options were continue with the pregnancy with the one or all of the above happening to me, having a minimal risk D and E, or "induction termination" with a greater risk. I trust my body to birth, it had done so twice. Although I wavered the thought of hurting my child and not seeing it was too much too handle. I opted the the I/T.
They began this tuesday evening by inserting 6 laminarias(sp) into my cervix. This was very painful/uncomfortable. After I had to urinate into a bed pan; this led to EXTREME burning around and inside my vagina. The nurse put epifoam and gave me 2mg morphine via IV. The burning/urine kicked the lams in, this caused great discomfort, but the morphine made me knock out. A nurse woke me up to move me to another room. This nurse, Elise, was an angel and Im so blessed to have had her as my nurse yesterday. At 6 am they started with the mizosomething, a little pill they insert into the cervix to start labor. They continued putting one in every 3 or so hours. It was a good, cathartic labor. I didn't want the trouble of an epi, so towards the end I opted for some more morphine, this did NOTHING for me. How this stuff helps people in major pain is beyond me. The Dr. came in to check me and put another mizo in. I was 4 cm and -2 station. She was convinced it would be awhile. Not 15 minutes later I birthed him. Matthew Burish Lettieri Jr. was born on March 18, 2009 at 5:05 pm, he weighed 12 oz and was 8 inches long. He passed between 7 and 7:30pm. He was perfect in every way and had the exact features of his father. He was so beautiful and beyond special.
I know he is with the Lord now, but Im selfish, I want my baby back. God is still amazing, nonetheless.
***The link below is to a picture of my son and I. He is an 18 week old baby; this may be too "graphic" for some.***
My Perfect Love.

Thank you for your support through this pregnancy and loss. I'll continue to pray for all you ladies, but it will be too painful for me to follow your journeys. I really have felt a bond with you ladies; many blessings from God to all of you. <3

*pls dont move my post.
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Old 03-20-2009, 03:43 AM
 
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Not in your DDC but had to post how sorry I am. Much love being sent your way.

Laura wife to Chris proud mommy to our lil monkey (c-section 6-10-06), our other lil monkey (HBAC 3-08-09) Our next and last son (due by HBAC mid July 2011) and our angel (10-03-04). My middle son has many severe food allergies.

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Old 03-20-2009, 03:44 AM
 
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I'm so sorry mama. My heart is broken for you and your family.
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Old 03-20-2009, 03:53 AM
 
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Old 03-20-2009, 06:50 AM
 
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Oh Sweetie, i am so sorry for your loss.

Goodbye sweet Matthew, though you were only here for a short time, you will be loved forever.

All my love to you and your family ChichosMama.

Kiz
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Old 03-20-2009, 08:10 AM
 
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I am so so so sorry you had to go through this. It really sucks. There are no words

Jayme-
Boy13, Boy12, Boy10, Girl7, Girl5, Twin Boys 6/14/09
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Old 03-20-2009, 08:28 AM
 
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You are so strong. I am so ver sorry that you losy Matthew and had to go through such scary times. I wish you support and strength on your journey.

me, wife and mama to ds ('06) and dd ('07), my miracle dd ('12) and surprise ds (5/14) and to plenty pets!

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Old 03-20-2009, 08:49 AM
 
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Mama,I am so so sorry that you had to go through this.How perfect your little man is laying there on your breast.I am happy that you had a couple of hours to spend with your son.He was a strong boy and obviously wated to spend some time in your arms before his journey to god began.
much love and hugs
x

Natasha,Mum to many.
"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." ~ Sir Winston Churchill
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Old 03-20-2009, 09:32 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your huge loss. my heart goes out to you!

SAHM to 2 daughters (conceived thru IVF) and one baby on the way (conceived without medical intervention)

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Old 03-20-2009, 09:48 AM
 
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I am so so sorry for your loss.

Nancy, Mom to Kyra (2005), Zoe (2006), Callie (2007) (2008), and Xavier (2009)
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Old 03-20-2009, 09:51 AM
 
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Hugs mama. Your post is so moving and brought tears to my eyes. I just want to reach out and hold you. What a strong mama you are.
Gods love and blessings.
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Old 03-20-2009, 10:24 AM
 
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I am truely sorry for your loss. You have incredible strength.

Married to DH 7 years and have three fantastic kiddos! DS 6, DD 4, and DS 2 ...... lo and behold another is on the way!

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Old 03-20-2009, 10:49 AM
 
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Crystal- He is beautiful. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please be good to yourself and put your pain in gods hands. I'm here anytime you need to talk.
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Old 03-20-2009, 11:14 AM
 
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I'm so, so, sorry for your loss.

Connie, living my bliss with my high school sweetheart, our 4 sassy little ladies, (10, 7, 5, 3) and our first little man (16 mo)! Waiting for someone new, coming this fall!
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Old 03-20-2009, 11:29 AM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss.

Several years ago I also had to have and lose a baby at 20 weeks and I know how heartbreaking it is to hold that tiny, perfect, and very loved child.

Take care of yourself, mama.

Sending lots of love and blessings...

Carrie
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Old 03-20-2009, 11:31 AM
 
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Oh honey, I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Old 03-20-2009, 11:33 AM
 
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I'm so very sorry for your loss. Take care.
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Old 03-20-2009, 11:35 AM
 
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Your son is beautiful. I know the experience was very painful both emotionally and physically, but you allowed him to go with such dignity, at his mother's breast. Much love to you, Crystal, and I will pray for healing and comfort for you in your time of loss. XOXO
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Old 03-20-2009, 11:40 AM
 
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I agree with the others...your son is absolutely beautiful. The picture of him at your breast brought so many tears to my eyes. So many prayers for you and your family. Your strength is amazing.
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Old 03-20-2009, 11:43 AM
 
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Oh gosh. I'm so, so very sorry for your loss.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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Old 03-20-2009, 11:49 AM
 
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Crying tears for you right now mama. Love and peace sent your way.

Heidi , wife to my DH , mama to Hope Isobel (4/3/06), Molly Grace (7/31/09): , furbaby Callie :
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Old 03-20-2009, 11:57 AM
 
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Old 03-20-2009, 12:01 PM
 
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Your post made me cry. I am so so sorry that you had to make that decision and go through all of that, and lose your precious baby. I think you made the right decision though, to allow your baby to be born alive and hold him in your arms until he passed. That took a lot of courage, I'm sure. I have no doubt that he is now in heaven.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

Mama to my beautiful DS bornhomebirth.jpg 11/09 and sweet DD born homebirth.jpg1/12.  angel1.gif Malaika 3/11 (8 wks).  winner.jpgnocirc.gifsaynovax.gifhola.gif
 
 

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Old 03-20-2009, 12:02 PM
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I'm so sorry.. please feel free to join us at the pregnancy loss boards, when you are ready. What a horrible choice that no woman should ever have to make.. be kind and gentle to yourself.

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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Old 03-20-2009, 12:30 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. for Matthew

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

SAHM to flower.gif DD1 8/06 , loveeyes.gif DD2 8/09 , and bfinfant.gifDD3 9/12  married to geek.gif 6/99.  We homeschool.gif, cd.gif, homebirth.jpg, familybed2.gif, and lots of wash.gif and dishes.gif.

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Old 03-20-2009, 12:41 PM
 
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I love you.

UCing loud mouth, Fierce Protector of King Aiden, King Isaiah and Empress Estella
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Old 03-20-2009, 12:55 PM
 
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I'm sorry for your loss.

Happily married mom to DS (Aug 09) and two furry troublemakers.

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Old 03-20-2009, 12:57 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss, but I admire your strength. Other words are inadequate.
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Old 03-20-2009, 01:00 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting the picture. He's beautiful.

May God bless you during this difficult time.
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Old 03-20-2009, 01:47 PM
 
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I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been a difficult choice to make. He is beautiful! I'm so glad that you got to hold him - a cherished moment, I'm sure. Hugs & thoughts for all of you at this difficult time

Shannon, mum to ds1 (8/03), ds2 (6/05), dd (5/07), and ds3 (7/09)
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