Anyone else flying solo at the birth? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 12:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I mean not having a partner, like significant other present for support?

I asked my HB midwife (who happens to be a very good friend) to be my doula. I just emailed her and hopefully, she will do it.

My best friend Amanda wants to be present for the birth as well, but I am not sure I will really want anyone there other than my midwives and a nurse. I will call my EX DP when I am in labor and let him at least come to the hospital. I am not sure how I will feel about him being present for the birth, although he was the person who was practicing all of the different birthing techniques and positions with me.

I also let him know about prenatal appts in advance as well so he can be present. Anyway. Just wanted to know if anyone else out there was flying solo for the birth?
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#2 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 12:48 PM
 
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I'm confused...do you mean our partners will NOT be there, or that ONLY our partners will be there and no friends/family?

I'm definitely not having anyone else there other than DH and possibly the midwife and her nurse.

At my last birth I told my best friend she could come and then I ended up not calling her b/c in the midst of my labor I decided I did NOT want her there. I had my mom there as my birth partner b/c my fiance and I broke up during the pregnancy and I didn't have anyone else. I really regretted having my mom there. I don't do well being naked in front of people and that was REALLY hard for me.

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#3 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 01:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I meant not having a significant other, like a single mom or someone who will not have their DP, DH with them.

Sorry I clarified the OP, it was confusing. Although, everyone can chime in on WHO will be present, even if it's your partner. I just wanted to know what single moms are doing in prep? Most books that show relaxation techniques involve a partner. I want to be prepared by myself!
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#4 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 05:48 PM
 
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I am sooo hoping that we meet someone that will wach ds while I give birth so that dh can be there...

we don't know anyone here yet and no one in dh's family will fly out (even though we offered to go deeper in to debt to pay for the flight )

so much for family....

hopefully I will go into labour an have this kiddo quickly and on a monday or wed when I can get kiddie care....I might even ask one of the kiddie care ladies who ds really likes if she would help us out

I would hate for dh to miss it....I know I would be sad

naturalmindedmama: Is there anyone close to you that would be just as excited about the birth as you that could share your moment with you?

mom to ds '07 first day of a new year, dd '09 in the caul, and  ds '11 at home Oct 24th

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#5 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 06:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am sooo hoping that we meet someone that will wach ds while I give birth so that dh can be there...

we don't know anyone here yet and no one in dh's family will fly out (even though we offered to go deeper in to debt to pay for the flight )

so much for family....

hopefully I will go into labour an have this kiddo quickly and on a monday or wed when I can get kiddie care....I might even ask one of the kiddie care ladies who ds really likes if she would help us out

I would hate for dh to miss it....I know I would be sad

naturalmindedmama: Is there anyone close to you that would be just as excited about the birth as you that could share your moment with you?

No one is excited about my birth unfortunatly. Because of my financial situation and the situation with my ex leaving, everyone is making me feel like it's a sad thing, not a happy thing. Since he has left I have actually thought of giving the baby up for adoption (this sounds so bad, but I am just so depressed and unprepared, plus with the PPD and bi-polar it makes it even more complicated), although I know I could never do that. I honestly want my ex to be present, but I am not going to place money on it or expect it. The problem is, I still love him (or the person I thought he was) and I would rather no one be at the birth than someone I feel so/so about. My friend Amanda wants to be there and I might let her. But her view of birth and mine are somewhat different and while I think she would be great, I honestly am so sad about my ex, the thought of anyone other than him just hurts, I guess.

I'm really sorry about your DH possibly not being able to be present. I feel bad! I wish you lived closer and knew me better I would SO help!!!
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#6 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 06:59 PM
 
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I have no significant other with me for this birth and I'm totally alright with that. I'm most likely going UC, so its going to be my birth assistant with me, who's female and that's about it. Might have another girlfriend come and hang in the back to take pictures and such. But other than that, I'm right there with you.

I think we're the only ones, so you and I will stick together.



edit...you know....I def. wouldn't have your ex there. You are going to need positive energy surrounding you while you're laboring and you don't want anything negative near you during that time. So I would def. suggest against having him there.

I thought about abortion and putting this baby up for adoption as well. Its all a process that some women in our situations have to think about. There is nothing wrong, or bad about having to think about it. And now that we have made our decision to have these babies the challenge for us now, not only raising children on our own, but also is blocking out negativity around us. Family and friends might not be on the same page as you, but its our responsibility to keep people like that away. If people can't be positive for you, you need them out of your life.

I've found that writing letters to those people asking them to steer clear of me if they can't be positive has really helped.

We can't turn back the past, we have to move forward in a positive light, and we must surround ourselves with people who aren't going to hold us in the past, and be supportive in this trying time.

This IS a joyful thing to be having a baby, regardless of circumstances that they came to be. I salute you for pressing on. Make sure you focus on the positive.

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#7 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 07:07 PM
 
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my dh won't be there because he's a truck driver and so I'll call him when i'm in labor, but for all I know he'll be 6 states away and I'll deliver before he gets here. I'm hiring a doula to help and my midwife will be there and her assistant who is a friend of mine and was my doula at my 1st dd's birth.

I was alone with my best friend for my son's birth and I had a really hard time relaxing, but everything went well. I don't think you need a partner to relax, but for me it would have been nice to have more connection and just listen to soft, nice sounds of a friends voice. Everyone was pretty quiet for his birth.

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#8 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 07:38 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are having to do this alone. Have you thought about maybe looking for a free or low cost doula? Check out your tribal area and even e-mail the doula trainers at CAPPA and DONA to find out if there are any doulas in training looking for certification births that they are willing to do for a low cost or free. Many doulas will offer free or low cost care to those in need, I did when I was actively doula-ing.

Be careful about having ex present at the birth, especially with all of the feelings you have towards him. It may slow or stall your labor completely. It isn't a good idea to be dealing with that kind of dynamic during labor, KWIM?

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#9 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 07:43 PM
 
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I'm from the Sept DDC, but I thought I'd chime in - I likely won't have DH there either - we are expecting a job offer in the next couple weeks that would put him out 9days, in 5days on a flyout job, so if I happen to go into labor when he's off, great - if not, then I'll be on my own - nurses and OB for company. I will have my parents to look after the older three tho, so at least I'm okay there.

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#10 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 07:48 PM
 
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I am also from the September DDC and my husband is gone for a year to Iraq. This is the second baby he's been gone for (well, third, if you count the son we lost in October). Honestly, I know this sounds awful, but I am okay with him not being here. I am sad, but it's not the end of the world. He doesn't do much but look concerned or try to be "useful" anyway.

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#11 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 08:47 PM
 
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I am also from the September DDC and my husband is gone for a year to Iraq. This is the second baby he's been gone for (well, third, if you count the son we lost in October). Honestly, I know this sounds awful, but I am okay with him not being here. I am sad, but it's not the end of the world. He doesn't do much but look concerned or try to be "useful" anyway.
I know there is an organization called operation special delivery that provides free doulas to mamas giving birth while their husband is away in the military. Check it out if you want a free doula!

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#12 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 09:23 PM
 
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too bad everyone couldn't get together and have a "birth in"

lol

pg hormones....but I got all choked up and want to come to all your births...

my neighbours dh is going to be in Afghanistan, but she has to have a c-section so her dh will be home for the birth, but she has to deal with her whole pg alone and 4 kids under 7....she is a trooper and homeschooling to boot!

mom to ds '07 first day of a new year, dd '09 in the caul, and  ds '11 at home Oct 24th

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#13 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 10:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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WOW thanks so much everyone for chiming in.

I'm so sorry to mamas not having their significant other present. Even if its ok, it's hard.

Jillian- you are plethora of information! I always find your posts so supportive or informative or have such a great message. Thanks so much for being here and being involved. You always answer a lot of posts. I just wanted to say thank you. Your a great online buddy (i'm sure you are IRL too). I do have a doula, she is actually my HB MW, but she will be there for me.

Thepoet- Your post put me at ease. I really appreciate your POV. It helps to hear another momma in the same kind of situation and the way I feel is ok. I really DO need to feel better and just stop letting others get in my way. I know how important positive energy is in labor and pregnancy. My mom made me feel really crappy today, she told me that next time, I should not listen to a man and not be afraid to get an abortion. I'M 22 WEEKS PREGNANT... thats not really even socially acceptable to say is it??? She is really hurting for me and I think she is unsure of what to say. But still.

As for the ex, I probably will wait until she is born to call. I actually thought about this and I know he isn't going to come and be a support and that would make me even sadder if I called and he didn't show.

My doula/HB MW is amazing. She is a friend and I love her and we may end up just HBing. although I doubt that, because it is important for mE to be in the hospital to have the psych consults postpartum. I require these to check out and it helps me to hold myself accountable. It's hard when my PPD and bi-polar kicks in to reach out. It's embarassing still for me.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your imput. U all have my hugs and prayers.

Thanks Sept ladies for weighing in too. I appreciate it!
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#14 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 10:48 PM
 
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It's hard when my PPD and bi-polar kicks in to reach out. It's embarassing still for me.
You def. want to check out the 'eating your placenta' thread if you have ppd.

UCing loud mouth, Fierce Protector of King Aiden, King Isaiah and Empress Estella
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#15 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 11:05 PM
 
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NMM, I was entirely solo when I gave birth: husbad had already left, and family (for reasons I needn't go into) were absent as well.

First, I want to encourage you to realize the freedom and power of your situation. All over this board, new moms complain of how needy/inattentive their DP was during the birth, or how he didn't support the mom's natural childbirth plans and they ended up with an epidural or C-section. (Men often think women "need" drugs, for instance, when they see women hurting - rather than seeing it as merely physical, transformational pain.)

Instead of this old model, you have the power to give birth EXACTLY your way, with everyone around dedicated to helping YOU (instead of having their own birth experience). Want to do a placenta print - and not get laughed at? Do it! Want a double helping of pancakes afterwards? Yahoo! My own doula commented afterward how I was able to politely yet firmly ask for exactly what I wanted in labor - a lower-back massage, drink, hug - because I wasn't having to "be nice" to a partner; instead I was surrounded by people hired to make my birth exactly what I wanted, so I could ask of them what might be hard to do from a family member.

Second, about that asking. Have a birth plan and put as the first sentence that you will be laboring solo and want TLC! That's what I said, and I got wonderfully special treatment.

Third, preserving memories of the birth. You need to think ahead what you want - notes of the times of contractions? still photos of crowning? family photo after birth? video? - and "order" it. Get the equiipment ready and designate someone to do these things. Be very specific about what you want. My doula took a photo of me beaming at my daughter - whose head but not body were out of my body - that I will treasure forever!

Fourth, other practicalities. Have your hospital bag packed, but also have your newborn car seat (to return home from the hospital, since no one will be picking you up) and the number for a taxi service. Have a specific list of calls to make to friends afterwards - AND to your lawyer to start the child support process (which can't be filed for until there is a live birth).

Fifth. Enlist professional help! HIRE A DOULA!!!!! (If your friend says no, interview others.) Also, fill your freezer with meals, or better yet enlist friends to drop-off meals - and say hello - on a regular schedule for your first few weeks home. I did prenatal yoga instead of worrying about any partner-breathing. You do NOT need your ex there. Hire people who will be ENTIRELY supportive and loving.

Good luck!

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#16 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 11:09 PM
 
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I know there is an organization called operation special delivery that provides free doulas to mamas giving birth while their husband is away in the military. Check it out if you want a free doula!

Thank you so much! Funnily, I AM a doula. I am very lucky because I have wonderful doula friends who will be helping me. But I LOVE OSD and I get really excited when the info gets passed around.

Seasons, I totally agree with you about how a completely female birth is really empowering. Not that there isn't a place for men, when they can and should be there, but there is something really beautiful about the circle of women at a birth.

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#17 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 08:32 AM
 
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is the free doula avail to Canadian military wives too? or just US?

mom to ds '07 first day of a new year, dd '09 in the caul, and  ds '11 at home Oct 24th

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#18 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 09:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You def. want to check out the 'eating your placenta' thread if you have ppd.
I will have to ask my MW at the hospital if I can bring my placenta home. I would love to have it freeze dried and encapsulated.
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#19 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 09:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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NMM, I was entirely solo when I gave birth: husbad had already left, and family (for reasons I needn't go into) were absent as well.

First, I want to encourage you to realize the freedom and power of your situation. All over this board, new moms complain of how needy/inattentive their DP was during the birth, or how he didn't support the mom's natural childbirth plans and they ended up with an epidural or C-section. (Men often think women "need" drugs, for instance, when they see women hurting - rather than seeing it as merely physical, transformational pain.)

Instead of this old model, you have the power to give birth EXACTLY your way, with everyone around dedicated to helping YOU (instead of having their own birth experience). Want to do a placenta print - and not get laughed at? Do it! Want a double helping of pancakes afterwards? Yahoo! My own doula commented afterward how I was able to politely yet firmly ask for exactly what I wanted in labor - a lower-back massage, drink, hug - because I wasn't having to "be nice" to a partner; instead I was surrounded by people hired to make my birth exactly what I wanted, so I could ask of them what might be hard to do from a family member.

Second, about that asking. Have a birth plan and put as the first sentence that you will be laboring solo and want TLC! That's what I said, and I got wonderfully special treatment.

Third, preserving memories of the birth. You need to think ahead what you want - notes of the times of contractions? still photos of crowning? family photo after birth? video? - and "order" it. Get the equiipment ready and designate someone to do these things. Be very specific about what you want. My doula took a photo of me beaming at my daughter - whose head but not body were out of my body - that I will treasure forever!

Fourth, other practicalities. Have your hospital bag packed, but also have your newborn car seat (to return home from the hospital, since no one will be picking you up) and the number for a taxi service. Have a specific list of calls to make to friends afterwards - AND to your lawyer to start the child support process (which can't be filed for until there is a live birth).

Fifth. Enlist professional help! HIRE A DOULA!!!!! (If your friend says no, interview others.) Also, fill your freezer with meals, or better yet enlist friends to drop-off meals - and say hello - on a regular schedule for your first few weeks home. I did prenatal yoga instead of worrying about any partner-breathing. You do NOT need your ex there. Hire people who will be ENTIRELY supportive and loving.

Good luck!
Thanks so much for this. I actually get more and more used to the thought of birthing without a DP. My MW agreed to be my doula and she will be a great treasure for me. I absolutely love her. I will probably ask my friend Amanda to come and take the photos. (at my last birth my EX H was taking pictures, but none of them ended up on the camera??? Not sure how that happened). I also would love to make a placenta print as well. I need to write all of this down. I need to start working on my plans.

Now I am actually EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#20 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 09:48 AM
 
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I've done it twice alone
The first time I was alone, my husband was dropping the kids off at the sitter who was 10 minutes away after dropping me off at the hospital to be sure it was the real thing and I was admitted.... baby ended up coming while I was in triage with the nurse who kept telling me I was only dehydrated catching LOL

The second time, he was deployed. The hospital got me a doula, and she was amazing for support. I knew I was delivering a stillborn, and was so nice not to be alone, and to have someone there to cater to me... My husband would have, I know that, but he was gone. They did end up sending him home since our son was dead and he arrived around the same time I was getting discharged from the hospital.

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#21 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 11:36 AM
 
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NMM, you DESERVE to be excited! You are about to give birth!

doulas for poor US moms: When I was pregnant, I was on Medicaid, and at least at that time Medicaid paid for a doula. (!) As well as a childbirth-prep class, which included the pregnancy yoga class I took. (!) I think Medicaid is a joint fed-state program, and I think guidelines may have changed since then, so worth checking with your particular state.

placenta in the hospital: I was able to keep my placenta in the hospital and bring it home; the only caveat was that it had to be plastic-bagged and labeled "medical waste." Get your doula and labor nurse to help advocate for you here.

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#22 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 11:58 AM
 
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uggg We have been talking about this very thing all week. DH might possibly be picking up a job to go overseas as a civilian for 6 months. Which is ok because it will be good money but I will miss him so much but i know there is lot of people who do this all throughtout their life. But the thing is We have a Ds who is 2 and if he leave soon then that will put him at missing the whole birth and the first 3 months of the babys life. Which i understand his reasons for wanting to go but i know he will regreat missing all of this later. I do have my family to help but It would not be the same without him. With ds i had dh and my mom in the room but we are thinking if he does decide to not go then We want it to just be us this time, Nothing agiants my mom it just a very special time for us and we would like to keep it that way. For ds i will probably have my mom watch him in the waiting room during the birth because i am afraid it might scare him only being 2 yrs. Anyways that is what has been going on here. We should find out more in the next week or so.

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#23 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 05:16 PM
 
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Gosh, you girls are so awsome and perfect. I am near tears just reading all of your posts.

NMM: I hope you are truly feeling blessed about this baby, and I hope your joy overthrows any doubts you may be feeling. Some people just suck about 'different' situations . My mother wasn't not happy about DD, or my wedding.. and she doesn't seemed to excited for this baby either. But, that's because she sucks and doesn't know how to be supportive of me. And it doesn't help that she is a Newborn Nursery Nurse so she doesn't view babies being born as the beautiful thing that I do. ((no, she doesn't know I want to have this baby at home... haha and that is probably NOT going to happen!!))

I have to ask this. I really want to have this baby at home. We met with the ONLY hb midwife in our area... not going to work. So I was just going to 'give up' and go to the hospital with a strong minded doula who would make sure I got what I wanted.... but I got to thinking... Why can't I just have my doula friend who has had 2 natural births (one UC) at home with me? And nobody else? (unless DH is here/ around) I don't want alot of people, I just want to be secure at home with someone who not only sees birth the same way I do, has actually done what I want to do. Does that sound crazy?? I haven't talked to the friend yet, I guess I wanted to see if this sounded like a crazy idea first. What do you girls think?
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#24 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 05:32 PM
 
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navymom. Not crazy at all. One of my girlfriends just had her 2nd UC at home.

Its COMPLETELY doable and not weird at ALL. Check out the unassisted birth forum and read up on Free Birth.

UCing loud mouth, Fierce Protector of King Aiden, King Isaiah and Empress Estella
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#25 of 26 Old 03-28-2009, 07:18 AM
 
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If I wasn't high risk with a history of tons of complications, I would have a home birth in a heartbeat, even if it had to be unassisted.

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#26 of 26 Old 03-28-2009, 11:44 AM
 
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About eating the placenta - if you are squeemish and don't want to actually eat it you can make a placenta tincture. I did it last time with DS2 and it was really easy. you just need a chunk of placenta and you soak it in water by sunlight. Then you transfer it to vodka/water mixture to preserve it. I have a recipie somewhere for it...

Thanks NMM. That is awesome that your HB MW will be your doula, she sounds like a great support person to have.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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