... at risk of sounding like a terrible person... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 09-03-2009, 03:11 PM - Thread Starter
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Our second son was born last week and he is wonderful. I am completely in love with him.
But... as a seperate issue... dh had vasectomy a few months ago, and I am okay with that, it was a decision we made together. BUT the realization that I will never have a daughter is weighing heavily on me right now, I'm sure a lot of it is hormones.
Have any of you had this experience? I don't feel disappointed that ds is male, I don't want him to be any different, he is perfect and perfect for us as a family
but I can't seem to move past the other issue, and I don't really want to talk about it too much w/ dh b/c I don't want him to feel that I'm no longer supportive of our decision to only have 2 kids, I don't want to create an arguement or fight over something that has been decided, can't be changed (and honestly I probably wouldn't change anyways, I felt very good in our decision to be done)....
Any advice?
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#2 of 8 Old 09-03-2009, 04:08 PM
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I have no advice, but I wanted to send you a big hormonal hug. I know that as much as I say "I would have been okay with all boys", I'm relieved that I have one girl. And you definitely don't sound terrible!

Shannon, mum to ds1 (8/03), ds2 (6/05), dd (5/07), and ds3 (7/09)
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#3 of 8 Old 09-03-2009, 04:20 PM
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This probably isn't very helpful, either, but the best advice I can give is to just embrace being a mom of boys. I too have two boys, and we are totally done, never a chance that we may some day have a girl, and I'm okay with that. Maybe when they grow up and get married (if they are straight and choose to marry and procreate and blah blah blah, *all of the disclaimers that apply on MDC*), you will have two adult daughters to add to your family, and maybe a granddaughter some day.

CPST ***I can help keep your child safe in the car. Ask me a car seat question!***
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#4 of 8 Old 09-03-2009, 05:17 PM
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Not terrible! And I think you're right about the hormones. DH and I have discussed vasectomy for almost two years and a month ago I had NO DOUBTS at all about it being the right choice. But right now I look at ds and think "maybe one more?". And I have two girls and a boy so I don't even have the extra emotional pull/regret. I know my logical brain will be back in a few weeks/months but the hormone soup right now has logic on a shelf and emotion running the show. So big hugs and kudos to you for not bringing it up in the "real world"... just give yourself some time.

And maybe down the road you'd consider mentoring a young woman (through a crisis pregnancy program, school to work program, foster care transition program, etc), or leading a girl scout or brownie group, or fostering/adopting a girl if you and your dh decide that a third child is appropriate for your family.

But right now maybe just focus on your babe and put off thinking about family balance/more kiddos? I know I feel better when I sort of "distract" myself from negative thoughts (I had PPD with both my prior births and I'll be danged if I get it again!) and instead focus on something totally unrelated... like making a recipe list or planning next week's schedule.

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#5 of 8 Old 09-03-2009, 09:47 PM
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I don't think you are a horrible person, you are just being honest. I felt the same way that you did after my DS2 was born. I'm sorry you are feeling sad, it may just be hormones so don't let it bother you too much.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#6 of 8 Old 09-03-2009, 10:10 PM
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well if you are a horrible person so am I.
I am mourning the daughter I will never have. We had not decided we were done so until last week there was a slight possibility of us having a 3rd.
But because of the type of section i had I did some research and the combination of risks involved in having more children and my age means we are now done. I am not willing to gamble a possible life for the chance of a girl.

I love my boys but as a woman it is hard to come to the realization that you will never mother a girl. that is if you ever wanted one to begin with. I know some who don't.

Pernille, Married to : mom to my 2 littel boys :4/12/07 and : 8/24/09
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#7 of 8 Old 09-03-2009, 10:38 PM
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I cried for two days after my ultrasound with my third! I love him so much, and I was so very happy for a third son, at the SAME time I was mourning the loss of something I will never have. I never really knew that feeling of tug of war before this. I did get past it and move past it. It is ok to feel how you are, and to process it. Many hugs!!!

Busy wife to dh for 5 years and mama to ds1 (11.09.04), ds2 (7.17.06) and ds3 coming Aug 09. :::
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#8 of 8 Old 09-04-2009, 12:41 AM
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You are not a bad person. You are just being honest with yourself about your feelings at a time when your emotions (hormones) are totally running high. I don't have any real advice. All I know is that we also decided that 2 was going to be it for us. We did end up with a boy and a girl, and EVERYONE loves to tell us how "perfect" that is and how lucky we are. Yes we are. However, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I feel sad knowing that this is going to be our last. The birth of my first was an extremely difficult labor and birth. It took me a good 18 months before I could even consider getting pregnant again. My daughters birth was so amazing that all I keep thinking about is how I would love to experience that again. It is a trying time where I am so incredibly grateful for this healthy beautiful baby, that it surprises me that I am feeling sad about anything. At this point, I am just trying to take things day by day and know that eventually when the hormones subside, I will come to terms with the fact that this is what we decided was right for our family.

I wish you and your baby the best!
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