Just found out my SIL lost her baby. :-( - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 12 Old 02-21-2009, 03:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
Sharon, RN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 610
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My SIL (my DH's brother's wife) and I discovered we were pregnant around the same time, and in fact, we were only due a few days apart. We talked about once a week.

Well, my BIL called tonight and said they didn't realize anything was wrong, and went to a regular check-up when they discovered that there was no heartbeat. They are so upset.

We talked for a while, and I told him how sorry I am for them. I don't know what else to do. Now I kinda feel bad about my pregnancy- and really worried something is wrong w/me, too. It's like I feel bad that things are going ok w/ me. I'm sure we'll still talk, and I'm afraid that my pregnancy will become the 800 lb gorilla in the room, ykwim? How can I still share with her, because I think she'd want that, but do it w/ sensitivity?

This was their first pregnancy, and they plan on trying again. I just feel so bad for them, and for missing out on meeting my niece or nephew.

Mom, wife, full-time student.  And tired.  DH, DS#1 (9/99) and DS#2 (9/09), and 2 dogs.

Sharon, RN is offline  
#2 of 12 Old 02-21-2009, 10:46 AM
 
LizzysMommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 111
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My sister and I are due within a week of eachother...and this is my fear, too. If one of us does lose the baby, how will we cope with other one being on the same path that we were supposed to be on.

I'm sorry...I don't really have much applicable advice, just s. I would let her decide how involved in your pregnancy she wants to be. Try to be sensitive, but don't let it dampen your joy... probably easy to say, hard to do

LizzysMommy is offline  
#3 of 12 Old 02-21-2009, 11:54 AM
 
2boyzmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Dayton, Oh WPAFB
Posts: 5,976
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Everyone will react differently, but I lost a baby and was due around the same time as a coworker. Obviously different than family, but still someone I saw every day, you know? It was sad for me, of course, but watching her finish her pregnancy reminded me that I really did want to try again, that I really did want another baby. I did not feel resentful towards her, just sad for my baby. And she was cheering me on to conceive again, it was great to have that support.

Mommy to BigBoy Ian (3-17-05) ; LittleBoy Connor (3-3-07) (DiGeorge/VCFS):; BabyBoy Gavin (10-3-09) x3 AngelBaby (1-7-06)
2boyzmama is offline  
#4 of 12 Old 02-21-2009, 01:37 PM
 
Julia24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southeastern, WI
Posts: 1,544
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think, unfortunately, that this is something that SHE has to deal with. It sucks and it won't be easy to swallow that green monster - but ultimately it's not your job to pretend like this wonderful thing isn't happening to you, yk?

I would just be straightforward with her, and hope that she returns the favor. My bf was pregnant when I was pregnant last time, and I miscarried - sure it WAS hard, but it didn't make me any less happy for her - nor did I love that baby any less, yk? She knew it was hard too, but I told her the onus wasn't on her, yk?

I know my bfs SIL lost a baby too - and she wouldn't even ACKNOWLEDGE the pregnancy or come to the baby's christianing - hold her - nothing - and that's just plain selfish, imo. It's not my bfs fault that she lost the baby - and it's CERTAINLY not the baby's fault, iykwim!!!

Julia(34), Mommy to: Maddie(10), Grace(6), Charlotte (3) and our only Little Man (due 2/23). 

It's a crazy life!

Julia24 is offline  
#5 of 12 Old 02-21-2009, 05:04 PM
 
mom2tig99Nroo03's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: praying, researchin' and bedrestin'
Posts: 9,417
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i don't have any advice, just a for you and your sil both, it is great you're trying to be so sensitive to her during this difficult time.

l, <>< wife to my sweetie, proud mama to 3 cubs, 2 who clw & 1 that i i ep for . baby was evicted early by induction due to severe pre-e/hellp syndrome
mom2tig99Nroo03 is offline  
#6 of 12 Old 02-21-2009, 05:13 PM
 
soccermama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,506
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not a member of this DDC, but I saw it on the new post forum and just wanted to extend hugs and love on to you and your SIL.
soccermama is offline  
#7 of 12 Old 02-21-2009, 06:56 PM
 
texmati's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 6,865
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm sorry. I know that this must be hard for both you and your SIL. I wish I had some advice-- miscarriages are so hush hush in my family. I'm glad that you are able to talk to your SIL about this.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

texmati is offline  
#8 of 12 Old 02-21-2009, 11:17 PM
 
winnie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 895
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
to you and your SIL. I agree with everyone above. It sounds like you are going to be very sensitive about it, and hopefully they will still feel the same joy for you and your baby, even though it will be hard.

Not the same thing at all, but my SIL and BIL found out that they are unable to conceive (they've been trying for over a year) just a couple days before we announced that we are expecting. SIL's reaction was to say congratulations, and then burst into tears. We don't blame her at all for her reaction to our news because it was all so fresh for them, but it was hard not to feel bad that we have had such an easy time conceiving. Anyways, just wanted to say that I do sort of know how you're feeling, because we have to really watch what we say about the baby, and make sure we are being very sensitive to their situation.

Erin

Mama to DS 02/15/06, and DD born 08/31/09!
winnie is offline  
#9 of 12 Old 02-21-2009, 11:21 PM
 
Lisa1970's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry!!! ((((hugs))))
Lisa1970 is offline  
#10 of 12 Old 02-23-2009, 06:21 PM
 
MMx3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 110
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So sorry to hear this. With my first pregnancy, me, my cousin, and my other cousin's one night stand were all due within 3 weeks of each other.

The one night stand m/c at 12 weeks, I m/c at 16 weeks, only my cousin has a healthy (albeight somewhat bratty) almost 3 year old.

It was tough but after a while I came around.
MMx3 is offline  
#11 of 12 Old 02-23-2009, 08:19 PM
 
SarahDC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Way out west
Posts: 254
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hugs to you & your SIL - very tough situation. I would echo what others have said; just be sensitive to her feelings and acknowledge her loss and her grief. Let her talk if she needs to, but also let her pull away from you if it's too painful for her to be around you.

If you feel like sending a card and/or flowers, or bringing them a meal, I'm sure it would be appreciated. I was touched when people acknowledged my loss and the fact that I was grieving.

Part time working mama to my awesome 2 yr old dd, and newborn ds hbac.gif

angel1.gif 8/08

SarahDC is offline  
#12 of 12 Old 02-23-2009, 11:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
Sharon, RN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 610
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
She had to have a D&C today.

I sent her some flowers, so they'll be delivered tomorrow. She lives many states away, so I can't really bring her any food or anything. But her parents are coming to stay w/her.

I will give her a call this week to make sure she's doing ok, and then just let her know that she can be as involved or an uninvolved as she feels comfortable with.

I hope she gets better soon.

(Oh, and off topic- my dh was talking to his parents about the loss, and his brother [the father of the baby] wanted my dh to ask his parents to give them some time alone. Anyway, dh's mom ask me to add her name to the flowers! I can't believe she wouldn't send her own son a card or anything herself! Sorry, pregnancy hormone rear their ugly heads! Am I wrong for thinking this is wrong?)

Thanks for all the responses. I hope they can heal soon, and I certainly do whatever I can to help.

Mom, wife, full-time student.  And tired.  DH, DS#1 (9/99) and DS#2 (9/09), and 2 dogs.

Sharon, RN is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off