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Any other FTMs? Come share your fears...

970 views 40 replies 16 participants last post by  cristeen 
#1 ·
I know I'm not the only first-timer here.

I know it's a ridiculous fear, but for some reason I've been having a recurring nightmare about forgetting to feed the baby. Like for days forgetting. And then thinking, "oh, when was the last time I fed the baby?" She didn't seem to be suffering from it in the dream, but I was wracked with this horrible guilt.
 
#27 ·
i fear the baby will die or something will be wrong with the baby
i hate it. i also have fears about the birth, will i lose it? not be able to cope? i don't want to make the people around me miserable while i am in labor.

hopefully getting our fears out in the open will be a way for us to release them and let them all go!!!!! there. they're gone!!!!
 
#28 ·
Hi! I'm totally new to the boards although I've been lurking for a while. I am so glad you ladies started this thread. I wasn't planning this pregnancy at all and just find myself thinking WTH? I'm really excited to meet my baby but I have a lot of the same worries as all of you. Especially how I'm going to buy all the STUFF! I don't even know where to start but I did see the list which I will be writing down.


It's so good to know that I'm not the only one with so many fears.
 
#29 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by octobermoon View Post
i fear the baby will die or something will be wrong with the baby
i hate it. i also have fears about the birth, will i lose it? not be able to cope? i don't want to make the people around me miserable while i am in labor.


Afraid I can't reassure you on the first two. Those are just some of the risks that we take with procreation. That fear is completely natural, though. If you're doing testing, I highly recommend discussing with your partner what you both want, just in case. It's a really good idea to have that conversation before you may ever need it, it prevents hard feelings and feeling pressured if a decision needs to be made.

As for labor, I doubt you'll "lose it". Anger is not the response most moms have in labor. Fear maybe, but not usually anger. As for the people around you, I highly recommend having every single one of them read some books so they know what kind of things may or may not be helpful when the time comes. And if you're having a hospital birth, discussing what you do and do not want in a LOT of detail is very important. There may be times during labor when you absolutely cannot talk, and you will need them to be able to talk for you.
 
#30 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by newmomroxi View Post
Hi! I'm totally new to the boards although I've been lurking for a while. I am so glad you ladies started this thread. I wasn't planning this pregnancy at all and just find myself thinking WTH? I'm really excited to meet my baby but I have a lot of the same worries as all of you. Especially how I'm going to buy all the STUFF! I don't even know where to start but I did see the list which I will be writing down.


It's so good to know that I'm not the only one with so many fears.
Newmomroxi , we definitely all have some similar fears and i think it's natural for first timers. there are some great great books out there that have been really helpful to me, regarding birth and labor,"the birth partner" is a great resource for you and your partner. it is very reassuring, that yes, we can do this!
 
#32 ·
I am nearly 15 weeks, and right now my biggest fear is that my morning sickness will never go away! Really, I waited for the second tri and I think it's only gotten worse. It is tough. I want to worry about other things and do stuff but I'm sick all evening long!
 
#33 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by aleatha5 View Post
I am nearly 15 weeks, and right now my biggest fear is that my morning sickness will never go away! Really, I waited for the second tri and I think it's only gotten worse. It is tough. I want to worry about other things and do stuff but I'm sick all evening long!
oh man, so sorry!!
 
#34 ·
Wow. Good thread.

I guess my main fear is that there will be something wrong with the baby. I work with special needs kids (autism, but in the past have worked with deaf and disabled children) and in my head ALL kids are special needs, because that's all I see every day... as opposed to it being the exception, which is the reality.

Due to various things in our family history, my hubby and I do probably have a higher chance of having a child with Autism. But even if you have the genetics for it, there is also an environmental trigger. So I'm TERRIFIED of eating or doing anything that might be an environmental trigger during pregnancy. For example: I will not eat ANY fish, due to mercury. They say eat low mercury fish, but maybe in a child predisposed to autism ANY mercury is too much and will trigger it?? I don't want pitocin also due to a silly fear over this... etc. I constantly worry that something I eat *even one time* might cause problems to my baby.

I've not had my first appointment yet (2 Mondays from now) and I'm afraid there will be no heartbeat, or when we have our first u/s, no limbs or something. Or (as so many have said) no baby at all! Just an elaborate physiological hoax!

Mostly I remind myself to be calm and positive, as stress will not help anything, but, going in to work every day as I do, it's hard.

In terms of other fears (and i feel guilty about these):

-I'm sure I'll love my kid, but what if I regret becoming a parent? I have spent a lot of time with babies and kids and feel confident handling them, but I won't be able to give this one back to it's parents at the end of the day!!! Yikes!
- What if I can't love him or her, or become resentful of his/her presence? I'm sure it will not happen, but it is an irrational fear. I can be emotionally aloof with romantic partners at times- what if I'm the same with my kid. That would be a horrible life for a child.

-I'm afraid for my vag. I know I'll get through labour, but I've heard terrible stories about birth from a L&D nurse I know, and what if there is irrepairable damage to my bits after?? What if I always have an ugly stretchmarked stomach that hangs down like a basketball forever?
-What if I am not able to be a good mother, in whatever way?
 
#35 ·
Thanks for the book suggestion, dosergirl. I asked a friend for some suggestions and she told me what to expect. SERIOUSLY! That is like the worst pregnancy book ever! imo. It tells you nothing.
:

Anyway, I am always looking for good informative books to read so I will definitely check that one out.

Besides the real, serious fears, like if something is wrong with my baby or if I can handle labor, is this irrational fear that sounds really horrible.... What if I have an ugly baby? I will love him/her regardless but what if people make fun of him?
 
#36 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by HarperCait View Post
So I'm TERRIFIED of eating or doing anything that might be an environmental trigger during pregnancy. For example: I will not eat ANY fish, due to mercury. They say eat low mercury fish, but maybe in a child predisposed to autism ANY mercury is too much and will trigger it??
I totally understand this fear. Have you explored home birth options? Honestly, there's so much that goes on in the hospital that is routine, that if this is your biggest fear, you might want to consider home birth. Or at the very least staying home until you're ready to push.

Don't allow them to give you or the baby any injection/drug you have not completely researched first.

I know it seems totally silly to second guess the doctors to some people... but all I can share is my anecdote. I have really bad congestion right now. To the point where DH and I are sleeping in separate rooms so I don't keep him up. My OB's office told me both Loratidine and Diphenhydramine were safe to take in the first trimester for congestion. I looked them up myself and both carry risks of heart defects if taken during the first trimester. Heart defect was what killed my first child, no way am I going to take something that adds to the risk of history repeating itself. But if I hadn't looked it up on my own, my doctor was perfectly happy to advise me that it was safe. And this is the same doctor I had with my son, so it's not like they don't know about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarperCait View Post
In terms of other fears (and i feel guilty about these):
-I'm sure I'll love my kid, but what if I regret becoming a parent? I have spent a lot of time with babies and kids and feel confident handling them, but I won't be able to give this one back to it's parents at the end of the day!!! Yikes!
- What if I can't love him or her, or become resentful of his/her presence? I'm sure it will not happen, but it is an irrational fear. I can be emotionally aloof with romantic partners at times- what if I'm the same with my kid. That would be a horrible life for a child.

-I'm afraid for my vag. I know I'll get through labour, but I've heard terrible stories about birth from a L&D nurse I know, and what if there is irrepairable damage to my bits after?? What if I always have an ugly stretchmarked stomach that hangs down like a basketball forever?
-What if I am not able to be a good mother, in whatever way?
None of these fears are unusual. I'm sure most of us have felt these at some point. 1,2 and 4 will resolve themselves in time, I'm sure. As for #3, please keep in mind that the average L&D nurse has never seen an unhindered birth. Most of the damage, especially the "irreparable" damage that is seen in the hospital is iatrogenic in nature (meaning, caused by the doctor). Episiotamies, pushing on your back, purple pushing, instrument deliveries, they all contribute to the damage. The best way to avoid this type of damage is to allow your body to birth in it's own time, in it's own way... for the average person that will be slowly and in an upright position.

Quote:

Originally Posted by newmomroxi View Post
Besides the real, serious fears, like if something is wrong with my baby or if I can handle labor, is this irrational fear that sounds really horrible.... What if I have an ugly baby? I will love him/her regardless but what if people make fun of him?
Again, this is a completely normal fear. The fact remains that by nature, humans find small helpless creatures adorable, and that includes babies. And regardless of what anyone else thinks, you will most likely think he/she is absolutely gorgeous.

HTH
 
#37 ·
Oh my gosh YES I am also afraid that I'll wake up one morning and go to an appt and find out that I was never really pg in the first place. I'm afraid that something will happen to the baby before its born (my first pg ended in m/c) or it'll have genetic problems or be a special needs child that somehow I won't be able to take care of and I'll go crazy or something.
The other thing I'm afraid of (and this comes from too much MDC I think...) is that the baby will never ever sleep and I'll lose my mind and my husband will divorce me so he can sleep better.
Every time I get sick I wonder if it's something that will hurt the baby and do horrible things to it. I'm terrified that the meds i took in the first trimester (sudafed and benadryl and sleeping pills--ALL recommended by my doc) have somehow damaged the neurological development of the baby and it's going to be born really really stupid

I just want to feel it kick around!
 
#38 ·
My other big fears involve the birthing process (early to be thinking about it...but I am) BECAUSE my three biggest fears in life are 1. paralysis 2. bayonets and 3. spiders. Spiders, I am not so worried about in labor. But I fear that some doctor will go rogue and try to give me an epidural sparking my extreme fear no. 1. Or that some rogue doctor will make me have a c-section. And, I do know that they are not performed with bayonets...but that is still to close to a bayonet for comfort. Plus, it will look like a bayonet scar. Terrifying!

So, those are my totally irrational fears/concerns in re labor. I'm sure that they are crazy, and not so shared. I really don't know why I'm so terrified of bayonets, but if you think about it, really they are some scary things, right?
 
#39 ·
Harper
I am not a FTM but I can relate to your post
and with this pg I too am WORRIED about the health of this baby, which I never did with my dd. I also work with special needs kids (DS, ASD, etc) and know that I will love my baby regardless but worry about how hard life is and on and on. This pg is NOTHING like my pg with dd.
however, I can also tell you that my bits look great after a HB delivery and dh and I were back "at it" even before 6w.
there is a homeopathic remedy (aconite) for frears in labor and that feeling of "I can't do it" which we all have anyway. For me it was quite effective in labor--
I hope I was able to help
 
#40 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cristeen View Post
I know it's a ridiculous fear, but for some reason I've been having a recurring nightmare about forgetting to feed the baby. Like for days forgetting. And then thinking, "oh, when was the last time I fed the baby?" She didn't seem to be suffering from it in the dream, but I was wracked with this horrible guilt.
I am not a FTM but I popped in here anyway, and I to laugh because I used to have the exact same dream throughout my first pregnancy. All of a sudden I would look at my baby and realize that no one had fed her in 3 days. In the dream she was perfectly fine and content but this panic would just take over me and I would wake up completely out breath with my heart beating really fast.

Once she was born I soon realized there was no way she would have ever let me forget to feed her. She nursed 15-16 times a day for almost and hour each time and made it quite clear when she was ready to be fed - and she still does to this day!
:
 
#41 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by aleatha5 View Post
My other big fears involve the birthing process (early to be thinking about it...but I am) BECAUSE my three biggest fears in life are 1. paralysis 2. bayonets and 3. spiders.
I'll say the same thing to you I said to HarperCait... have you considered home birth? If it's not an option for you, I highly recommend laboring at home as long as possible, and possibly even hiring a doula for that. A doula will recognize certain signs more readily than a FTM will as to when it's really time to head to the hospital. If you arrive at the hospital ready to push, your chances of either epi or c/s are much reduced... BUT, if you are truly fearful of what the doctors may do, that alone can cause your labor to stop and your cervix to close when you walk into the hospital. I would really recommend looking into homebirth with those sorts of fears.

I will also say that being afraid of the epi is completely normal, IMO. I am absolutely adamant that no one is getting anywhere near my spinal column with a needle. When we were in the hospital with my son, the doctors kept insisting that I needed an epi. Repeatedly they tried to browbeat me into getting one. My DH finally had to threaten them with physical violence if they didn't leave me alone (I was non-verbal at the time).
 
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