Well let me start off by saying how uncomfortable this post makes me. I have thought and thought about who I could talk to for support or advice but I know being that I am pregnant if I go through the usual chanels i.e. husband, mom, or close friends I would just be yelled at and told how rediculous I am being.
But,
I have struggled with an eating disorder for the past 14 years.
. This is the first pregnancy I have tried to keep things under control and I have done great at not purging or dieting. I have just kind of let nature take it's course this time around and as a result I have gained a lot of weight. My OB says it was because I was underweight when I got pregnant so my body is trying to catch up. I haven't really let the numbers get to me until recently. I have been kind of flipping out about seeing myself go over 145 because that is about how big I wanted to get throughout the whole pregnancy. But the other day one of my friends who has the same due date as me called and I really felt she was rubbing it in my face that she had only gained 10 pounds where as I have gained over 20. And I kind of went into a fit the minute I got off the phone and binged and purged. I feel awful about doing it but I feel even more awful about the fact that I know once I start doing it again it is like starting from the begining again as far as trying to stop.
It is really hard for me to not try to lose any weight. I feel like I may have just cost myself a normal pregnancy with that one little slip because for the past week I have already been restricting my intake a lot and working out. I have lost 4 pounds this week and it is like an addiction to see the numbers drop on the scale but I just want to stop.
I avoided my OB appointment this week because they have me on high risk because of my eating disorder so they make it a very big deal to weigh me everytime I go in and bother me about how I am doing. I knew I was gonna get it if I went in and had lost weight. So I just didn't go.
I know all of the things that bulimia can do to a pregnancy, but I am just having a hard time controling it right now. I am deathly afraid of weight gain.
I just want to make it through this pregnancy without harming my baby.
But,
I have struggled with an eating disorder for the past 14 years.
It is really hard for me to not try to lose any weight. I feel like I may have just cost myself a normal pregnancy with that one little slip because for the past week I have already been restricting my intake a lot and working out. I have lost 4 pounds this week and it is like an addiction to see the numbers drop on the scale but I just want to stop.
I avoided my OB appointment this week because they have me on high risk because of my eating disorder so they make it a very big deal to weigh me everytime I go in and bother me about how I am doing. I knew I was gonna get it if I went in and had lost weight. So I just didn't go.
I know all of the things that bulimia can do to a pregnancy, but I am just having a hard time controling it right now. I am deathly afraid of weight gain.
I just want to make it through this pregnancy without harming my baby.