noticed people aren't really happy for us? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 12:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've noticed when we tell family and some friends that we are pregnant with our fourth people aren't to happy for us. I really find this slightly upsetting. I was curious if others with more than two children have experienced the same reaction? I suppose it may have something to do with society views on family size. It just upsetting feeling the need to apologize and explain that this was unplanned by us.

Aradria SAHM to : ds 2003, ds and dd 2007 and ds Nov 2009. :
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#2 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 12:25 PM
 
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U dont need to enplane ANYTHING TO ANYONE. this is your family not theirs and if you are happy with 4 or 14 its none of there business this is our 2nd and when i tell people there are like AGAIN? omg my BABY IS 7 im sorry YOU dont think we waited long enough TO bad not your family your body or your choice im so sick o0f people thinking they have the right to say if anyone whould have another baby or not GRR makes me angry tell them if they dont like it to keep there noses out of it

Jen loveing Wifey to my Hubby Jeremy Mommy to Austin David and KayLeigh marie
i love my life!!!
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#3 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 01:07 PM
 
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Yep. It really hurt me when I encountered this attitude for the first time when I was pregnant with Isla but I think I have grown a thicker skin since then LOL. So I just told people matter of factly this time and their reactions are their own and don't matter to me one way or the other. I know they will love the baby when he or she shows up just like they adore Isla so I don't worry about it anymore.

It does suck though!


Steph

Steph~~momma to Rhys 2002, Niamh 2004, Isla 2007 and Deirdre 2009
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#4 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 01:13 PM
 
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Yep- #3 here- we were at the in-laws yesterday- seen his aunt, uncle and grandma for the first time- not ONE congrats- not one how are you- nothing- but stone cold silence. We are just stupid breeders to them- oh well.

Happily Married to my : 11 yrs- Mama to wild-eyed monkey boy 7-04, fiery little girl 4-07, and the happy smiley baby that sleeps 11-09!
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#5 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 01:21 PM
 
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Is your family, doesn't what the others think about the situation, enjoy your pregnancy, is a bless if you are pregnant.......and I am happy with your pregnancy.:

Victorian Patch
*** thinking positive help my dreams come true ***
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#6 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 01:45 PM
 
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I'm sorry. I'm due with #4 in July and haven't really experienced this much. I think at this point, people just aren't that surprised anymore! I wouldn't explain anything to them. It doesn't matter if it was planned or unplanned. A baby is a blessing. Do you think maybe you might be reading too much into it? Your own emotions about an unplanned pregnancy could cloud your perceptions on how people are actually reacting.

Our #3 was slightly unplanned. I was not thrilled with the idea of being pregnant. I didn't tell people for several months because I just wasn't up for hearing the "CONGRATS!!" and mirroring the excitement. I waited until I was in that place to tell people.

Nicole - Mom to FOUR healthy, happy, wild boys.
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#7 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 01:50 PM
 
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Aww, mama I am so sorry! I agree with the other posters, there's no reason for you to explain ANYTHING to ANYONE. YOU and your family are excited about this new little life! So when you break to news to people, do it with a BIG smile on your face and don't even give them the chance to be negative about it
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#8 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 02:14 PM
 
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I've had that and it's a bit frustrating. I made it official on my Facebook and half the comments were congrats and the other half were of the "you're going to have your hands full" comments. I find that unhelpful. My hands were full when I had 2 kids under the age of 1 (!). I wish people would either say their congrats, if they really feel it, or keep snarky comments to themselves. In person I laugh it off because what else can you do?

With work, other than the president of the company and a coworker or 2, no one has been enthusiastic. In fact, some don't mention it at all and I'm in complete maternity gear! But I know I'm happy with the bun in the oven and mentally, I leave it at that.

Feel your pain...
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#9 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 02:16 PM
 
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Aww, I'm so sorry your family had that reaction. That just sucks.
But I agree with Victorian Patch...a pregnancy is a blessing (no matter what number it is)...I am very happy for you!
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#10 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 02:22 PM
 
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What a bummer

We haven't run into that reaction with #3 on the way. Everyone has been thrilled so far, but we haven't told tons of people yet- so there's still time

~Shawnna~ Lucas 11/02 Wyatt 10/05
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#11 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 02:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by frogautumn View Post
But I agree with Victorian Patch...a pregnancy is a blessing (no matter what number it is)
Exactly what I was going to say!! I'm so sorry about the reaction you got. Every child is a blessing.
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#12 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 02:36 PM
 
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Yup, unfortunately. Totally the norm. We got it from four on up. Although I have been pleasantly surprised this time. It has been better this time. Not great, but better. Maybe because they are quite certain we are crazy.

As for the stupid breeder bit. Google "demographic winter" & "population myth". That junk is based on the incorrect theory of Thomas Malthus (You can also look up "Malthusian economics". That was popularized by a book in the mid 60's that Al Gore is/was a huge fan of. Unfortunately Mr Gore and others who have read the book did not do their homework to learn that it is based on faulty and non-factual premises.

And as for me I am thrilled to hear you are pregnant! Remember it is a surprise, because a surprise is something wonderful that you didn't know you wanted. An accident is something bad that you wouldn't want to happen. Language is powerful!!!

And when I am asked "Do you know what causes it?" My answer is "Whipped cream and sleeping kids!" DH who works in a prison, usually answers "Whipped cream and handcuffs!" Usually stops the rude comments in their tracks. Either it makes them laugh or it makes them embarrased. But either way, they realize that they probably shouldn't be asking about my sex life!

Katie, mama to Katherine 19, Christian 17, Johannah 15, Nicholas 10, Genevieve 8, Matthew 5, Andrew 11/16/09 10#6oz home waterbirth and madly in love with  my husband, Scott

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#13 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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I haven't experienced that myself, but have seen it happening to others and it really made me sad. It even happened in my family, where most women have 3-4 children.

You don't need to apologize for anything, nor should you have to defend yourself for being pregnant. People can be slow when something doesn't happen as they expect or is different from the norm, but usually, if those people are close to us, they adjust.

Take care of yourself and be proud of your joy.

Mom since Oct'09. Wife to a loving husband. Expecting a little bean in May'12

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#14 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 04:08 PM
 
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Just stumbled upon this thread in new posts- but wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS! Each and every pregnancy/ new baby is exciting and should be treated as such. I'm sorry you're not getting that vibe from other people in your life, but try to focus on the miracle within

~e, wife to my sweet T partners.gif, mama to my turtleman (8) , sunshine (6 vbac.gif), and monkey (2)
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#15 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 04:35 PM
 
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Yes-- I have noticed this and I've barely told anyone. It was not this way with #3, so #4 must be crossing some invisible line.

Here's a thread that may make you feel better:

Just to clarify, no, I'm not stupid

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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#16 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 04:48 PM
 
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what about the opposite? For a number of reasons I won't go into right now, I'm not happy about this pregnancy (it's my 11th/I have 3 kids so far) and people expect me to be all happy shiny about it. Even when I do explain, they try to get me to perk up. These are good friends and family, they know I'm not a perky person and more importantly, they know what I go through pregnant. it's very annoying. :

(I'll get to that happy place, I'm sure, but right now I'm not)

Stinkerton 12/10/01 9lbs8oz, induced to c/s; Little Man 5/20/03 7lbs11oz, r c/s, fear of another labor; Jillybean 11/18/07 10lbs8oz 37cm head, induced VBA2C; and the Wee Beastie, 9lbs8oz, 35cm head, rpt VBA2C
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#17 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 04:50 PM
 
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I have had that this time around as well. This is #3 and it seems total strangers are so much more excited than friends and family. Mostly I get "hands full" or "what causes it" comments as well. I even had an acquaintance tell me "It is OK to say no every once in a while" I was shocked! I don't understand why people think it is their job to tell you when and how many children you should have.
I hope they come around for you. It is no fun feeling like you are in trouble for being pregnant. Maybe you can find one or two people who are excited and chat with them mostly? I find that the few supportive ones I have around really get me through the times I am around the others. Good Luck Mama!
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#18 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 04:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mizelenius View Post
Yes-- I have noticed this and I've barely told anyone. It was not this way with #3, so #4 must be crossing some invisible line.
i think so, too. most people seem genuinely happy, but there is a look of horror on some people's faces, lol! even though this baby was definitely planned (albeit for a few months later), even dh is a little stunned. he just keeps saying "wow, four is ... so many." lol!

Jenn, wife to John
Mama to Kayleigh (6), Ethan (4), Norah (1), & Charlotte coming 11.09
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#19 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 05:04 PM
 
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People are crazy. Not to get all political in a DDC, but who exactly do they think is going to pay for their social security if we all stop having kids or have fewer kids, ya know?

The heck with them. I've been told and I really believe that you never regret the kids you have, only the ones you didn't. Congratulations on the new little one coming to your family.

Melissa, wife to Brian, mommy to my home born, breastfeeding, sling-riding, sleep sharing, cloth diapered, intact kiddos Adam 11/09 and Leah 8/12.

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#20 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 05:45 PM
 
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I just want to know why things changed all the sudden. People used to (and not that long ago) have 7 or 8 kids all the time, and THAT was normal! So why is CHOOSING to have a large family such a big deal!? (I realize you said this one was a suprise, but still)

I hate that I only have 1 brother! For a long time I wanted 4 kids, and I am thinking I still do!

Both my parents have 6 siblings, and my MIL and FIL each have 5 siblings..
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#21 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 06:50 PM
 
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"As for the stupid breeder bit. Google "demographic winter" & "population myth". That junk is based on the incorrect theory of Thomas Malthus (You can also look up "Malthusian economics". That was popularized by a book in the mid 60's that Al Gore is/was a huge fan of. Unfortunately Mr Gore and others who have read the book did not do their homework to learn that it is based on faulty and non-factual premises."

so true.

And the whipped cream and sleeping kids comment was great. Now I just hope I am able to use it on someone!

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival. Every child is a blessing.
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#22 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 07:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by thewaggonerfamily View Post
And when I am asked "Do you know what causes it?" My answer is "Whipped cream and sleeping kids!" DH who works in a prison, usually answers "Whipped cream and handcuffs!" Usually stops the rude comments in their tracks. Either it makes them laugh or it makes them embarrased. But either way, they realize that they probably shouldn't be asking about my sex life!
I love this!!!

It's no one's business but yours. If I only want 1 or 2 or 20, it's between me and my DH.

Momma to DD (12/04) hearts.gif and DS (11/09) hbac.gif.
I survived 16 mos! Ask me about breastfeeding a baby with posterior tongue tie, high palate, and weak oral motor skills- whew!

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#23 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 09:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Ladies! I also wanted to add thanks for all the links as well. I'm just now getting a chance to read through them all.

For those of you who've seen Demographic Winter is it worth purchasing?

Aradria SAHM to : ds 2003, ds and dd 2007 and ds Nov 2009. :
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#24 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 10:04 PM
 
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Yesterday we had Easter dinner with both sides of DH's family. NO ONE even said "congrats" to us. They asked about my due date, but that was about it. I couldn't believe it!

Sara - - PreK Teacher, Birth Doula, Wife to Shaun (8/13/05), Mama to Caleb (8/17/06), Chance (6/22/08), and Brielle (10/31/09) - - - winner.jpg

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#25 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 10:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yesterday we had Easter dinner with both sides of DH's family. NO ONE even said "congrats" to us. They asked about my due date, but that was about it. I couldn't believe it!
Yup I've gotten that one and "I guess you gotta deal with it and try to do the best". NICE!

Aradria SAHM to : ds 2003, ds and dd 2007 and ds Nov 2009. :
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#26 of 40 Old 04-13-2009, 11:32 PM
 
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I've just found out that I'm expecting #5 and DH and I are wondering how long we can NOT say anything without offending for that very reason.

I come from a large family (I have 27 first cousins) so, on my side at least, having lots of children is perfectly normal in fact they were begining to wonder when the next one was going to come along). However DH's family is very VERY 2.4 family suburban mainstream so the idea of a third would seem reckless. They sort of understood why we had a second pregnancy and then again with the third as the second didn't last but now that we have DD, the gloves will be off.

I'm worried enough without having to listen to a melodramatic MIL delaring (again) how she will have to sell the house so she can buy us a more appropriate home and buy us all the things we need because we will never be able to afford them ourselves. In the 19yrs I've known her she has needed to sell the house at least six times but never have, we don't need to move because we like our little house and we don't need to buy anything new because I like using a sling instead of a buggy plus our bed instead of a cot.

I get really mad when people assume that anyone who has more than two children (or in our case more than 0 children) is automatically irresponsible. We would never have a baby unles we knew that we could raise it well adn afford it properly. We're not idiots just very very tired!
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#27 of 40 Old 04-14-2009, 11:02 AM
 
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I shouldn't think this way, either, I know, but I'm of the opposite mind...when I see moms who CHOOSE to only have 1 or 2 kids (not necessity, but choice) I always feel sorry for their kids. I'm from a family of 6 kids, and DH is from a family of 10 kids, and I believe firmly that the more, the merrier! I would LOVE to have a lot of kids, myself. But DH is older, and would like to have no more than 4. oh well.

But I agree with all you mamas. If someone was judging me for having more than 2 kids, I'd say ... WTH? It's none of your business! 3 or 4 kids is not a big family, in my mind. It's just an average, nice size!

Mama to dd born 7/2005, dd born 12/2007 and dd born 11/2009.
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#28 of 40 Old 04-14-2009, 12:53 PM
 
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I got it with #2... Everyone assumed that since my #1 was only 2, I couldn't possibly have planned it. I got the "what are you going to do about it?" questions and the "oh no" and "well, if you don't want to keep it, I'll take it!" like 2 was too many!! Even my motherinlaw asked me to get my tubes fixed! With #3, I had family members not speaking to me...and #4 everyone is assuming I'm severely broke, severely tired, and telling me I need to "tie it off" or "fix him"... I don't know of anyone that has been thrilled for us. Sad sad.
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#29 of 40 Old 04-14-2009, 12:59 PM
 
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It is so sad reading everyone's horrible experience. I am not surprised but it is still so sad. It does help to hear other's going through the same thing. I am just ready to disown dh's side of the family. I guess you get a thicker skin as you go- maybe by #5 or 6 I'll be tougher.

Happily Married to my : 11 yrs- Mama to wild-eyed monkey boy 7-04, fiery little girl 4-07, and the happy smiley baby that sleeps 11-09!
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#30 of 40 Old 04-14-2009, 01:02 PM
 
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We haven't told anyone yet partially because this was a surprise, and we aren't sure what type of reactions we are going to get either. Congrats to you, and don't feel the need to explain yourselves to anyone!

Sarah : , mama to Lucas (8) , Ryan (5) : , Andrew (1yr) , and someone new : due early Dec.
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