Negative feelings toward the baby - how to get over them? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 01:54 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm not exactly feeling any love right now. Quite the opposite. Irrational as it may be, I can't help but blame this baby for everything going wrong right now. I didn't make her turn from her former head-down position. She did that on her own. And she's not going back. She's staying firmly across. And if she doesn't move, I get to go sign a document that may as well be my death sentence if the coin lands on the wrong side. I am more angry than I have been in years. I have moments of complete apathy, and then moments of anger. I don't smile anymore, even my dogs can't get a smile out of me. If she'd just go back head-down instead of being stubborn, there'd be a decent chance things would be fine. Instead I haven't even bothered with the birth kit or anything. What's the point if I'm probably going to end up in the hospital at their mercy anyway?

I'm resenting this baby and seriously starting to wish she didn't exist. I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I can't help it. I fought so hard to live for so many years, and now, during what should be one of the happiest times of my life, something I fought so hard to have, I'm once again facing the very real possibility of dying again. This makes me unbearably angry. I'm angry enough that I don't know if I can love her again.

"It'll be different when she's born," etc., etc.. And I don't need to hear how "the most important thin is she's born healthy," like I don't matter as anything more than a uterus. I know my friends who've said that don't mean it that way, but right now, it's how I feel. Everyone's so much more concerned with the baby when, no matter what happens, she'll be okay. I'm the one who might not be.

How do I get over hating this baby and accept what is and what may be? Just two weeks ago I was looking forward to the labor itself, and now I just wish it all away. This is so wrong. Maybe I don't deserve to live and those who said I don't were right.
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#2 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 02:41 PM
 
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You are in a very difficult position and it sounds very reasonable to me that you would feel anger. I also really dislike it when people dismiss my feelings of stress, anxiety and unhappiness by telling me that I'll forget about it all when I'm holding my baby.

All I can tell you is that negative emotions probably aren't helping. Is there someway to try to do something that will make you feel better? Naps, baths, walks to get your blood pumping and clear your head? you can only do the things you can do, like certain yoga postures. Otherwise, all you can do is not let it totally take you down. There is always hope. It must be incredibly difficult to hang onto that, but I just want to encourage you to not lose sight of that entirely. You have every right to feel anger. Let yourself feel it, but also take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry. big hug.

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#3 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 02:56 PM
 
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I think your feelings and fears are very legitimate and need to be addressed by a professional. Tell your MW, doctor, your priest, maybe someone can get you to some free counseling. My worry is that your feelings may manifest into something horrible, and at this point, we (as MDC) aren't going to do anything for you. You're dealing with too much.

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#4 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 03:08 PM
 
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Oh, Noelle, how awful that you are feeling this way. I think when things go wrong, we often look for other people to blame, and, in this case, baby is getting it. While I agree with pp's about seeing a professional, I also think that is difficult given that you can't even find a decent provider to help you out with what is on your imminent plate. I would suggest talking to the baby. Heck, you can even tell baby how mad you are. But remember, just like a conversation with anyone else, that baby has a story as well, she just can't express it to you.

There may be a very good reason that baby is not going head down. One you may never discover but, babies also go into self preservation mode when needed. Perhaps by trying to alter your attitude towards baby with long talks and time alone, you both may feel some relief.

I hope this doesn't come off as crappy but, I think if you acknowledge it, you may just be able to cope a bit better. You wanted this baby and it is unfair to put conditions on her arrival. I know that I wish I had never had a csection with my first but, there is nothing I can do about it because that is how he choose to enter the world. I may have contributed to getting him in but it was his choice on coming out. Would I rather not have him at all since I didn't want the csection? Nope, not for a minute. Granted, I do not have the same medical problems as you and I took on no greater risk in having a csection than any other woman having one over a vag birth.

I am not sure how you can proceed but maybe just focusing on something will help. Can you talk with your chiro about reduced fees or payment plans? What about moxibustion, I am pretty sure it is inexpensive? Would that nice OB who can't take you at least be willing to try a version for you? I know that having a bicorn uterus myself, I take the risk of needing a csection because babies can't always get head down and versions don't always work. But, at least if you keep trying to do whatever you can, then you will know that you did your best.

Anyway, I feel like I wrote a book and I know this is something you have to work through. But, I wish you the best for your birth and am sending a whole heap of hugs!

Kelly

Kelly - Wife to a wonderful man and Mom to a c-sect boy (3/3/05), hospital vbac.gif girl (12/20/07), h20homebirth.gif girl (11/4/09), expecting #4 EDD 7/15/13. We homeschool.gif
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#5 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 03:29 PM
 
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I think there is more going on than what your baby wants. Your baby doesn't want to be hated, your baby doesn't have complete control over her position, your baby wants to be loved. Right now, your baby's job isn't to get into a good position, it's to receive nourishment from its mother. That's about it. Yes, I believe babies are active participants, but they aren't conscious participants.

Sometimes, I think, babies' journey here is more about us as mothers learning something about ourselves than other stuff (it's not everything, obviously, but it counts too). I learned something from each child I've carried. My first, I learned about terror and what it's like to think my child might die (not as a newborn, but later, and she's ok now), I learned empathy for people who might need time away from a sick child. With my second, my judgments about pacifiers went SLAM in my face as I was given a child who truly needed to suck more than he needed food (ironically, almost a harder lesson than the other one, in some ways).

So, instead of hating your baby, can you reframe this as a learning experience? What can you learn from this? Forgiveness? Acceptance? You are being given a glance at the lengths you will go for this child, out of your love.

The other thing I want to mention to you is that prenatal depression doesn't get as much press as post-partum, but it's just as real. Please talk to your providers/a therapist about this. This isn't healthy, for you or the baby.

R~mama to 3

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#6 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 03:31 PM
 
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Why do you think it will be your death sentence if you have to have a cesarean?
I know it is very disappointing. I've been there.
But. If your baby is transverse, it's far more dangerous to you and your baby to continue laboring and laboring with your baby in a bad, unbirthable position. Maybe discussing the relative risks with your doctor will ease your mind a bit at least about your safety.
It IS hard to have your dream birth slip away, but the baby doesn't know anything about which way to point. It just is what it is, and there's probably a reason, even if you never figure out what it was. One of my breech babies was way tangled up in cord - another had a knot. The flip could have tightened it up and then who knows what happens.
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#7 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 03:54 PM
 
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I don't have any words to offer just 's

Forest wandering mama treehugger.gif to Z 14/02/08 homebirth.jpgand T 30/11/09 h20homebirth.gif.
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#8 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 04:10 PM
 
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Noelle, I understand you feel really upset over needing a c-section. But your baby isn't really sentient, and she certainly doesn't have any idea that squirming around has any consequences. She's not thinking in there, she's not planning, she's like this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BArLP18pgk8

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The other thing I want to mention to you is that prenatal depression doesn't get as much press as post-partum, but it's just as real. Please talk to your providers/a therapist about this. This isn't healthy, for you or the baby.
This is very true.
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#9 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 04:12 PM
 
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Sending hugs and support. You are dealing with A LOT and I think the way you are feeling is completely understandable.
I agree with PP's...I think it's time to speak to a professional...
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#10 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 04:35 PM
 
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Just more hugs and love and another vote for talking to a professional about it. You're in a very difficult position (understatement of the century) and it's no wonder that coping is hard.

Melissa, wife to Brian, mommy to my home born, breastfeeding, sling-riding, sleep sharing, cloth diapered, intact kiddos Adam 11/09 and Leah 8/12.

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#11 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 04:43 PM
 
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So Sorry your so angry...You must be afraid as well. Your baby isn't to blame though....its no more the baby's fault than it is yours. Sometimes life isn't what we planned...and sometimes it can be really terrible. Sometimes we can't make sense of what is happening to us, but....again...your baby is your baby..not your enemy. I wish you both a safe and happy outcome. I hope you find your way back to loving your child, and understanding that babies don't control things either. The same is true about crying, and sleep patterns....again...so sorry your scared.

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#12 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 04:48 PM
 
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Sometimes we do get pissed off at the ones we love.

And it's perfectly okay to be angry/upset/disappointed at the possibility of a c-section.

But you will heal and you will love your baby... I'm sure of it.
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#13 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 06:11 PM
 
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Also, since you mentioned elsewhere that you have very complex medical history and uterine and intestinal problems that are likely to make a cesarean both necessary and complicated, I would think it would be wise to go see an OB or preferably a perinatologist now, not go to the ER and take your chances with the resident on call. Yes it may cost some money, but you can work around that after the fact (either appealing to your insurance, asking for charitable assistance, or setting up a payment plan). No doctor is going to want to kill you - having a complete history and plan in place in advance could go miles toward insuring your and your baby's safety if surgery does become necessary.
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#14 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 06:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ccohenou View Post
Also, since you mentioned elsewhere that you have very complex medical history and uterine and intestinal problems that are likely to make a cesarean both necessary and complicated, I would think it would be wise to go see an OB or preferably a perinatologist now, not go to the ER and take your chances with the resident on call. Yes it may cost some money, but you can work around that after the fact (either appealing to your insurance, asking for charitable assistance, or setting up a payment plan). No doctor is going to want to kill you - having a complete history and plan in place in advance could go miles toward insuring your and your baby's safety if surgery does become necessary.
I agree with that.

And I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, Noelle, it must be so hard.

Thinking of you,

Deb

Deb, Mom to Madeleine 8/2005 and Maia 11/2009 Nick: and Chris
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#15 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 08:38 PM
 
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I want to validate what you feel.....you had one idea of how your baby would be born and now you are faced with the idea that your baby will be born via c-section and clearly something you don't want. I just have to say though that I had both of my boys via c-section. It wasn't the way I wanted to birth my babies, but in the end they are both happy and healthy little boys and most importantly...they are here for me to love. I also have to say that the experience of the c-section was not a bad one and the people who were in charge of me, did a fabulous job of making me feel a part of the experience. Honestly.....you need to come to peace with what might happen because I don't believe you will be ok after the baby is born, but rather you will carry this resentment with you. Hang in there!!!

Tricia, married to DH. 2MC's & 4 yrs ttc...finally mom to Andrew6/06 and Benjamin 10/09. Adopted bro & sis 2002. My 2 fav. words: Spay and Neuter! I'm an Ultimate Viewer, 2010!

 

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#16 of 23 Old 11-02-2009, 09:19 PM
 
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i'm not sure of your past experiences or what position you're in as a 'whole', but i can relate to you in a way when you say, "i have moments of complete apathy, and then moments of anger". my response to your thread probably won't have any impact because i'm not in your shoes, but i have dealt with the ups and downs by firstly eliminating everything that made me feel bad, because the things that made me feel bad worked their way to feeling angered or having disapproval of this pregnancy; this being any minor or large change, things that i could fix and eliminate if i wished. - after disposing of those things i still realized that i was having irrational spurts of anger, sadness, depression, you name it. i finally summed it up to the realistic things that REALLY held me down; my lifestyle, where i am at, lack of income, ect... things like that. so i finally realized what the root and core of the problem was, despite it can not be fixed at the drop of a hat, but at least managed better. some things can not be fixed but it finally clicked for me that, i can only fix the things that are within my grasp and manageable, everything else must come as it comes. - i grew tired of depressing myself, worrying myself. i still do it, but i believe once i sat down, really evaluated everything and why i resented this child 'now', i was/am able to come to some form of peace with the situation, and with myself. - that is just what i have been doing to calm down. also, i have been keeping anyone who has negativity to splurge far away, and keeping my mind as active as possible, even if what i'm doing is not 'fun', it is keeping my mind steady.

i hope you get through this and everything works out for you noelle. - you have the support of us here... even if that doesn't mean much.

he's here; kaine (11/9/09)
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#17 of 23 Old 11-03-2009, 12:17 AM
 
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I am so sorry, I cannot even imagine how scared you are at the possibility of this CS can your MW help turn her? have you tried the spinning babies site? I know that for health reasons a cs is the worst possible thing for you I wish there was something I could do! I will pray for you and your little girl to turn head down again!

I was very very angry at the begining and middle of this pregnancy. I was resentful, depressed ect... I talked to my OB and he gave me Zoloft and I opened up to Dh about my feelings and that helped me out of it. I know our situations are totally different but the feelings are still similair PM me if you need to

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#18 of 23 Old 11-03-2009, 01:06 AM
 
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Originally Posted by dnr3301 View Post
I think there is more going on than what your baby wants. Your baby doesn't want to be hated, your baby doesn't have complete control over her position, your baby wants to be loved. Right now, your baby's job isn't to get into a good position, it's to receive nourishment from its mother. That's about it. Yes, I believe babies are active participants, but they aren't conscious participants.





The other thing I want to mention to you is that prenatal depression doesn't get as much press as post-partum, but it's just as real. Please talk to your providers/a therapist about this. This isn't healthy, for you or the baby.




Being angry with people who don't understand your disappointment, fear, grief and anger is fine. Blaming and being angry at your baby is not the same as being angry at adults who are upsetting you.

As the PP said, your baby's only "job" is to grow. As hard as it is when you are feeling afraid and angry at your situation, your job is to love and mother this child and your child has no job except to simply be. Being angry at your baby for something that is absolutely and completely beyond her control is only going to lead to more suffering for both of you. This birth is an important part of your life experience but it is also for your baby. You are not equals in your participation in her birth and it is important for you to find a way to approach the situation and all of your feelings so you can put your anger somewhere other than on her tiny little shoulders.

You are facing something that is quite a hardship for you. To say that life is not fair is an understatement, but it is a fact of life. Can you find someone to help you rally the resources you need to make it through all of this as well as possible?
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#19 of 23 Old 11-05-2009, 12:17 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Noelle C. View Post
And if she doesn't move, I get to go sign a document that may as well be my death sentence if the coin lands on the wrong side.
can you explain what you mean by this?

dissertating wife of Boo, mama of one "mookie" lovin' 2 year old girl! intactlact:: CTA until 7/10 FF 1501dc
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#20 of 23 Old 11-05-2009, 01:31 AM - Thread Starter
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I am reading all your replies, not ignoring them, despite not responding. Sometimes listening is more needed than talking.

RTBD, with the odds Iv'e been given of not living through a c-section (50%), it would feel like I was signing my own execution document. It's hard enough signing consenting to surgery with a good chance of being okay, and quite another when the risk of complications and death is very high. I've had to do it before, and even with the risk of death being a certainty without the surgeries I've had to go through, it was still hard signing consent. The hardest part is going to sleep with the anesthesia uncertain if you'll wake up. It's terrifying in a way I don't know how to explain. Signing consenting to a c-section isn't as bad in a way because I've got a 50% chance still of living (when I was 23, I had an estimated 5% chance of making it, but a 0% chance without the surger I had done at that time), but it's still not easy, and it's upsetting beyond words because I've fought so hard to LIVE, only to once again find myself at unexpected risk over what should be one of the happiest days of my life. We never had any reason to expect my intestine had adhered to the front of my uterus, and a non-GI-specialist would be the one to try getting through wha GI-specialists have called a nightmare during prior surgeries.

Yes, my medical history is extensive. I haven't gone into it here, but it's major, and I've had no problems for years.
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#21 of 23 Old 11-05-2009, 03:11 AM
 
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I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I have a friend who had A LOT of abdominal surgeries due to crohn's and when she had her twins it was considered really risky. She ended up working with her ob and her GI surgeon. Have you considered contacting your (or if you've moved, another) GI surgeon to be available at the birth?

Are you certain that they absolutely have to put you under if it's a planned c/s? If the baby doesn't turn from transverse to a birthable position, then it would be a planned surgery v. a homebirth transfer and that gives you some time to make decisions. I can see doing a planned c/s and then if there's a complication needing to put you under, but if there's nota complication keeping you awake.

I am curious, you say that you have an intestine adhered to your uterus? is that based on a current u/s or from before you got pg? I am asking b/c my friend's drs were pretty clear that they expected many of her adhesions to separate (not sure that's the right term... move?) as the pregnancy progressed from the uterus slowly growing and everything shifting around. I'm wondering if maybe the intestine moved durring your pregnancy? slim chance, I know, but possible and could be worth looking into. An u/s to see it's location would be fairly noninvasive.

Hugs.

Stinkerton 12/10/01 9lbs8oz, induced to c/s; Little Man 5/20/03 7lbs11oz, r c/s, fear of another labor; Jillybean 11/18/07 10lbs8oz 37cm head, induced VBA2C; and the Wee Beastie, 9lbs8oz, 35cm head, rpt VBA2C
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#22 of 23 Old 11-05-2009, 01:30 PM
 
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That kind of goes back to what I wrote above:
If you have medical records indicating that a cesarean would be outrageously dangerous for you, you need to have an OB who *has those records* and can make a plan for you in advance. There are conditions where surgery needs to be avoided at almost all costs - a real 50% chance of death under the knife would be totally unacceptable. You need to have a plan that might include having several doctors present for your surgery to handle potential GI complications, having all the records from your prior procedures to be aware of the changes in your anatomy, or planning a vaginal breech birth because the risk of surgery for you would outweigh the risk of a breech.
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#23 of 23 Old 11-05-2009, 11:56 PM
 
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DDC crashing - sorry!

Your post made me think, and I have an answer for you from personal experience. I don't blame you for what you feel at all - during my last pregnancy I would have felt the same way as well - heck - I'd feel the same way this time too, though right now she's looking to be head down and has been for several weeks, so fingers crossed it's where she wants to stay!

I cannot, by any means, get up on a preachy pedestal and go "hey, the main thing is that the baby is fine!" or any of that BS. I want a VBAC this time around and for me, the birth experience is terribly important - I damn well DON'T want another cesarean! My first was an emergency cesarean and the recovery was horrendously painful - I cannot for the life of me imagine breastfeeding so doped up.

But at the same time, it's all about the way you approach it. You don't want to feel resentment toward this baby - of course you don't. Anger however, is a natural human emotion and actually something very healthy to express: in the right way. So here's my advice - and please know this is NOT any kind of "I lost my baby, so you'd better feel lucky" stuff - though yes, after all that bull, I did lose Josie and oh gosh mama...the pain is on a level with a totally different universe:

I would honestly simply say to yourself "well, here are how things are. Hate is not going to make this better - it will just compound the intense feelings I have right now about what is happening. So I need to drop my shoulders and close my eyes and reset..."

Perhaps, run a bath. Somewhere very quiet. You're right: the phrase "all that matters is a healthy baby" is complete rubbish - we all know that. But now, know that your child isn't trying to piss you off here - she will do things that do annoy you throughout her life at times - unintentionally. At those times, your best bet is to take a very deep breath, reset and re-approach the situation.

Sit in your bath - lay right back if you can and sweep the water over your belly. If this birth does not turn out the way you want it to, it is nobody's fault. Nobody is to blame. You're a good mama - your baby is a good and wanted baby. Birth is very important, but having an imperfect birth need not be "the end" of everything either.

In the end, what you're worried about I expect, in your deepest heart, is being taken advantage of and losing control. Fair enough - totally fair and completely understandable. To have this power taken away from you is very difficult for any of us - any enlightened woman who isn't scared of childbirth. But you're not broken; you baby isn't broken; your body isn't broken.

So yes, relax there for a little while and be calm. If this is how it is going to be, it's going to probably feel less stressful if you relax a little every day leading up to the birth. Let go of the anger and the resentment - you can do it - you can. And most of all, please, don't be mad at yourself for feeling - your human - you have emotions and it's okay!

As other posters I'm sure have mentioned (I didn't read everything), babies are very capable of turning right up until the point of labor, and many turn in labor. So all is not lost. If only we had control over so much more than we do, huh....?

*PEACE and HUGE hugs to you, Mama* XXXXX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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